I haven't written since my poem I think. So I figured I'd sit down this afternoon and write. About what? I have no idea. I'm just gonna write what's on my heart.
So far 2011 has been hard. I was so happy to see 2010 end. I was so sure 2011 HAD to be better. So far, not so much. But, my marriage is definitely better than it has been the past few years. It hasn't been an easy run of things. But I'm so glad we worked through it. He is amazing. He is wonderful. He is my best friend. Not perfect, but perfect for me. I have removed the "D" word from my vocabulary. Never to be uttered again! =) It's nice to know that we can fight, fuss, disagree, bicker, argue, not see eye-to-eye, or any of those horrible other things couples go through, and still know deep down that I am with my soul mate. I will never again question if I made the right decision to marry him. I know now, beyond all doubt, that I did. He truly is my best friend.
It's amazing how sometimes, such storms in life can strengthen your relationships. Other times, they tear them apart. My life has been topsy turvy for a while now. My marriage has come out stronger than ever. I am so thankful for that. Another relationship, a friendship, has ended. It's been on the fence I suppose since just about the very beginning. I am sad for that. But relieved too. No more worries about that. Kind of freeing not to worry anymore.
I feel like the winds of this storm keep changing. First it was relationships. Now, bigger things. The whole thing with us trying to get a house. It was hard to find a house we fell in love with, and in the end be told "no, not for another year to 18 months". There is still one little glimmer of hope. I am still praying for a miracle. But this hasn't been easy on my husband, me, or our children.
Then there is my Grandfather's failing health. This has hit me extremely hard. We have some answers, but even more open-ended questions that have no answers at this time. At this point, I'm just praying for mercy.
Through all of this over the past two years, I found myself wondering in wilderness, so to speak. Before all this even thought to come to a head, I cried out. He answered. There came a time where I felt all alone, abandoned. I thought there was no way the Lord would welcome me back. But he has. =) He never left me. I may have "wondered off", but He never left me. He was there with me. He experienced all I went through with me, by my side. I just had blinders on.
It's nice to be "home" again. I still struggle. But all of this has helped me find my way back to Him, and just in time. . . so to speak. He is merciful and full of grace. I am still learning about it all myself. Sometimes I find it hard fathom the depths of his love. There is a difference if feeling abandoned and actually being abandoned. He never abandoned me. No matter how I felt.
Each day is still a struggle right now. I still hold out hope the He might move on our behalf with the house, but I'm also a realist too. So the battle within right now over this rages on. Losing a friend is never easy, and I'm still trying to deal with this. And with the current situation with my Grandfather's health continuing to unfold (and not in a good direction), I struggle daily. My kids are once again fighting healthwise. I'm tired of being on this sickness merry-go-round. It's exhausting all on it's own.
Each day His mercies are new. Each day, I somehow have the strength to keep going and finding reasons to smile. I can only attribute that to His grace. I am relatively calm and peaceful. It's still hard, but it's nice NOT to be freaking out at every minute of the day. Definitely an improvement. Maybe the storm I have been in the past few years has helped me grow some. Maybe it's just God helping me. Maybe it's a bit of both.
I try to look out to the horizon but it's all just a blank page, waiting to be written. I don't know what the future holds, for me or any of my family. And looking out into that blank horizon can be a very scary thing, if you don't trust in the One who holds it all in His hands. Thankfully, I do.