Sunday, June 24, 2012


I just need my place to vent tonight.  I need to get things off my chest.  I'm running out of.... I don't know what.

I have three beautiful children.  I do.  I love each of them more than I could ever attempt to put down in words.  They are my life.  Both literally and figuratively.  But since summer break, the bickering has gotten at least 10 times worse.  It's driving me nuts.  I don't want to be a mean person, but I have finally threatened to keep them in their rooms if it doesn't stop. 

My youngest has a nasty cold which makes her very cranky and temperamental.  Not to mention clingy.  So that's fun too.

I have burnt my wick at both ends lately.  My husband has been working btwn 60-70 hours a week for the past few weeks (since his promotion) leaving me to deal with everything alone.  The kids miss him, I miss him.  And since all this has happened, I have held 3 different events at the house to prepare for and host.  Not to mention getting all the gifts ready for the kids (yes plural) birthday parties.  I'm exhausted physically and emotionally at this point.  Not to mention lonely.  And loneliness can be a b*tch.

This promotion he got has turned out to be the worst thing in the world for our family.  He works more than ever and is under more stress than ever.  Oh...and like I increase in pay.  Which is not good for the several thousands of dollars in medical bills we owe and can't pay.  Some have even went to collections already.  This sucks.

I'm doing everything I can to keep my husband upbeat and encouraged both with home and his job.  But it's getting harder and harder to do that.  It's getting harder to support something I am coming to loathe and despise.  But he doesn't need this from me.  He needs me strong and positive.

My husband drives a 1993 Toyota sport coupe thingy.  It doesn't fit the kids in it.  So when we need service on the van, I can't just take his car.  I'm left without a vehicle for me and the kids.  We thought we had found a good, reliable, safe car for our family and were very excited about it.  But that, unfortunately, fell through too.

I have a lot to be thankful for.  I know this.  I have my 3 beautiful girls.  I have a wonderful home.  I have family that loves me and some of the best friends a gal could ever hope for.  We may not have money in the bank anymore and we may not know how we are going to make it financially next month, but I know we have each other.  And that helps.  I really am trying to stay positive.  I am.  But like I said, I'm stressed and exhausted.  And I just needed a place to vent some of this out.

I didn't get dressed until after 3 pm today.  I was feeling defeated.  But I realized I can't just sit around and wait for something good to happen.  I can't wait for some magical change to happen.  I'm just wasting my time if I do.  I have to be proactive.  Even when I don't feel like it.  Even when I don't have the energy.  Especially during those times.  Other wise....  Well, it's just not good for someone's spirit to that.  You know?  

I'm trying.  And I'm going to continue to try.  I'm not giving up on anything or throwing in any towels.  But some days are harder than others.  And this was one when everything just seemed to go wrong.  This was one that kinda beats you up.  But I'm still here.  And tomorrow is a new day. 

This is my life.  I have to take control.  I can't control everything.  But I can continue to try and control how I'm dealing with it.  Things don't seem likely to change for the better any time soon.  And that it was it is.  I can go on feeling defeated, but good does that do anyone?  I'm better off doing all I can to keep myself busy, and the kids and my husband positive and happy.  At least that's a start.  I just pray the Lord give me the strength to endure.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Another step on my journey

I have heard, seen, and even posted all those sayings about faith. 

~  Faith is believing in what you cannot see
~  Faith is taking the first step when you can't see the whole stair case
~  Let your faith be bigger than your fears

and so on and so forth....

And today, I got a little taste of what all this really means.  Just a small taste, but I have a feeling I am going to get more understanding in the near future.

Something was going on and I was in prayer about it while out and about today.  I prayed for the Lord's help.  I recited scriptures about how all things are possible through Christ who gives us strength and how with the Lord nothing is impossible.  It was an interesting outing to say the least.  I found myself loading the kids in the car and I prayed a very specific prayer with timing involved.  Shortly afterwards, on the way home I found myself wanting to take matters into my own hands...just in case.  I even prayed about that:.  This is kinda how that conversation went:

"Lord, should I just......  ?"  

"What did you ask for?"

" (what I asked for)"


"Okay.  I am going to believe in that."

That was not easy for me to do at all.  It went against everything in me that wanted to take control of the situation.  But you know what?  He answered my prayer that I asked for.  I didn't need to take control of the situation.  I just had to believe that once I prayed and put in God's hands, that He heard and wouldn't let me down.  Do you know how hard that is for me to do?

 I feel like everyone in life has let me down at some point.  And to be honest, the ones I count on the most, let me down in some of the biggest ways and the most often.  So believing anyone will actually come through is really tough for me.  Perhaps some of it is my past that influences this.  Who knows. It's hard for me to really trust anyone.  Especially when it counts.  I expect to be let down.  And today I realized that this also includes God.  I expect Him to let me down too.  That's why I wanted to take the matter into my own hands.  Not a fun thing to realize about yourself.

I was terrified to put all my trust in Him in this minor thing.  But I resolved to do it.  And I did it.  And it all worked out.  And I was shocked.  I don't know why.  Scripture says He will reward our faithfulness.  But for the first time, I really counted on someone and I wasn't let down.  You have no idea what that feels like.

So here I am.  Taking baby steps once again in trust and faith.  I thought I had resolved all this last year, but apparently not.  It would appear as if I still have some issues with faith.  But I think I took another step today on the journey of really having faith.  And I am excited about it!

A lot is going on in our lives right now.  We need to save up for a fence before our dogs cause anymore havoc.  However that's kinda hard to do with birthdays and Father's day coming up.  Yes...birthdays.  ALL. Summer. Long.  June and August being the worst. 

On top of this we are very unhappy with my  husband's employment right now.  He has worked there over 10 years and ....   Well lets just say I am still trying to remain supportive, but it's getting harder and harder to do when they don't appreciate my husband and all his hard work.  I want more than anything for him to have another job, but it has to be the right job.  So again, I am praying about this.  We'll see what the Lord has to say on it.  I fear they are going to run my husband to early grave if he stays where he is much longer.  But like I said, we'll see.  Maybe the Lord will move him somewhere else.  Or maybe he will open the eyes of his employers to see all the hard work he does.  Time will tell.  I just have to pray and really believe that Lord has a plan for us.  Even if I can't see it.  And that we will be okay.  That's hard to do.  We always want to know what's coming next.  We want to know, plan, prepare.  We want control.  Having control makes us feel secure.  The truth is, we have very little control in this life over anything or anyone but ourselves.  It's an illusion. 

I want to put what I feel I have control over into the Lord's hands.  I know if He has it, then it will all be okay.  If I have it, God only knows the mess I could make of things.   This is so much easier said then done.  But it's something I'm working on, letting the Lord be the Lord of my life.  And that means giving Him control.  That means believing his promises in scripture are true....even for me.  Even when I don't deserve them.  All because He loves me.

I'm still working on all this.  This is a journey I started last year.  And I think it's one that will be on going for the rest of my life.  I hope and pray as I get older, I can go deeper.  But for know I have to trust in His timing and take this one step at a time.  Making up my mind every day to renew this dedication to this, to put things in His control, and to truly believe we are in safe hands.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Reflection: Hanging in there

I sit here tonight thinking back on my life these last five years or so.  And wow...what a roller coaster it has been.

A few years ago my marriage was struggling, we had hit a rough patch.  Then, despite what my doctor said, we found ourselves pregnant with our third (and very unexpected) child.  And the economy was taking a turn for the worse.  And my husband's job took a hit.  He took about a 20% paycut.  And for a family just barely making it, that was enough to send us over the edge.   So pregnant and hormonal, we filed for Bankruptcy.

That year, Christmas was so hard for us.  We couldn't afford to get our kids a thing for Christmas.  And we felt guilty as hell about it.  We felt like they were going to suffer for our mistakes.  It broke our hearts.  I'll never forget the kindness of our family and loved ones that year.  They gifted us the money to buy Christmas for our kids.  And it was the biggest blessing I had ever received.  We never asked or expected it.  They saved Christmas for the kids.

However, shortly afterwards, the bankruptcy went through.  We found ourselves renting a place smaller than our home had been.  It was smaller and we were expecting a baby.  Fun times right?  You can not even imagine how badly it took it's toll on me.  Pregnant woman can be quite hormonal anyway.  Well, I took it too extremes (not intentionally though).  The stress of life was really weighing down on me.  In fact it was weighing on both  my husband and I. 

We were grateful to have a roof over head.  We were also grateful that my husband never lost his job, even though he was working awful hours.  That didn't help much either.

Yes, looking back over the past few years, I'd say we hit rock bottom on so many levels.  There were times it looked so dark for us.  We prayed, A LOT!!  When life seems dark, what else can you do?

Funny how your prayers can change.   Our prayers at this point weren't for specific things anymore.  Instead they had morphed into more of a "Lord, please take care us.  Meet our needs.  Help us." kind of prayers.  But they were very sincere and heart felt.

Looking back, it was hard to see at the time that God had a bigger plan for us.  Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before we get to place where we give up what we thought we wanted, and allow God to do what's best.  And that's not an easy place to be.  And it's not easy thing to do.  I think I had to do it just about every hour at first.  Gradually I was able to give it all to him once a day.  And I honestly think the only reason we made it through was by the grace of God.

We have since built a home we love.  We are making improvements as we can (like a new patio and patio furniture for example).  We even added another "member" to our family.  We adopted a dog from the local animal shelter.  And just last over the weekend, my husband got a promotion.  If you would have told me a few years ago that we were going to build a house, and that all this was going to happen and that we'd be very happily married; I can honestly say there would have been no way I would have believed you.  It was too far fetched.  It was to big to even dream. I was just trying to survive each day.  But now, what I could not even fathom or even dream of, is now my life.  Is it perfect?  Well, is your life perfect?  No.  I have come to the conclusion that life will never be perfect because it has this sneeky way of dropping horrible things on you (economy going to crap, death, money issues, jobs, ect).  But I am happy.  I am to the core, happy.  I don't think I can ever remember being this happy since I was a kid.  And that is saying something.

Our trials and tribulations rarely seem worth it while we are in the midst of them.  We can't see the future.  All we can see is the pain, the anger, the confusion, the worry, the stress.  And when our vision is clouded by those, it's hard to see anything else.  I have been there.  And sadly, I'm young enough to be there again some day.  But once the storm is through and you are at your rainbow, you can look back and say:  "Wow.  If I had only known!  It wasn't easy, but it was worth it".

My family went through hell.  We lost it all.  And we almost lost our marriage too.  And it wasn't easy.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through (and I've been through some stuff).  But if that is what it took to get to where I am now, I'm grateful.  I'm grateful for the grace and strength I somehow had to make it through.  My marriage is stronger than ever.  And we are happy, and we are safe. 

What would you go through to really be happy?  Would you be willing to go through hell to get there?  Not an easy question to answer, is it?  To be honest, if you would have asked me this a few years ago, I would have said no.  And if you would have told me all I would have to go through, I still would have said no.   But looking back, I'm glad I wasn't given the choice.  I may not have chose to go through it, but I did choose how to go through it.  And for me, it was to lean on my faith and loved ones.

Some of you may be in the middle of one of life's major storms now.  To those I'd say: 

Hang in there!!  I know it feels like you are drowning.  I know it's hard and your exhausted and scared.  But hang in there!!  I PROMISE's worth it.  There is no way to see that now, I know.  It's too dark.  But I promise you, it is going to get better.  One step at a time.  Just take it a moment at a time.  And then soon you'll be taking it a day at time.  And before you know it, this too will have passed and hopefully, you'll be better for it.  You'll be stronger, wiser, more patient.  And hopefully, you will be at place where you too are happy.  But it takes faith and not giving up.  And you don't have to do it alone.  Lean on your friends and family and loved ones.  That is what they are there for.  And try to have some faith.  I know it's hard. 

It's okay to cry.  It's okay to yell.    You will have days when you just don't want to get out of bed.  And you will have days when you are ticked off at the world.  HANG IN THERE!!!  This will pass.  This will get better.  IT WILL!!!  You just need to go through it to get there. And you don't have to go through it alone.

Sometimes I can't believe where we are today.  Do we deserve it?  NOPE!!  Not by a long shot.  But we are so grateful for it. 

It's funny the ups and downs life can take, the loop-d-loops, the sharp turns.....  Sometimes life's ride can make us sick.  But thing about this ride is, you never know what's going to happen next.  One minute your down and the next your up.  And when my ride comes to stop, I want to know that I did the best I could.  I'm so thankful for all those on this ride with me.  Thanks for helping me through the downs and being there for the ups.  I'm so thankful for where we are now.  And it's in part because of all those on this ride with us...loving us...encouraging us...helping us.  I'm so glad we don't have to do this alone.   

Thank you God for the loved ones in our lives.  Thank you for answered prayer.  Thank you for the times I didn't have the words but my tears and moans spoke for me.  You were there.  You were with me.  I wasn't alone.  And you gave me others to help see us through too.  Help me to remember that no matter what life throws at me, that I can trust in You to help see us through.  It may not be easy, but I know if we are in Your hands, we will be okay.  Thank you for where we are now.  Help us to continue to grow.  Thank you for your Love.  In Jesus Name, Amen.