Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Another step on my journey

I have heard, seen, and even posted all those sayings about faith. 

~  Faith is believing in what you cannot see
~  Faith is taking the first step when you can't see the whole stair case
~  Let your faith be bigger than your fears

and so on and so forth....

And today, I got a little taste of what all this really means.  Just a small taste, but I have a feeling I am going to get more understanding in the near future.

Something was going on and I was in prayer about it while out and about today.  I prayed for the Lord's help.  I recited scriptures about how all things are possible through Christ who gives us strength and how with the Lord nothing is impossible.  It was an interesting outing to say the least.  I found myself loading the kids in the car and I prayed a very specific prayer with timing involved.  Shortly afterwards, on the way home I found myself wanting to take matters into my own hands...just in case.  I even prayed about that:.  This is kinda how that conversation went:

"Lord, should I just......  ?"  

"What did you ask for?"

" (what I asked for)"


"Okay.  I am going to believe in that."

That was not easy for me to do at all.  It went against everything in me that wanted to take control of the situation.  But you know what?  He answered my prayer that I asked for.  I didn't need to take control of the situation.  I just had to believe that once I prayed and put in God's hands, that He heard and wouldn't let me down.  Do you know how hard that is for me to do?

 I feel like everyone in life has let me down at some point.  And to be honest, the ones I count on the most, let me down in some of the biggest ways and the most often.  So believing anyone will actually come through is really tough for me.  Perhaps some of it is my past that influences this.  Who knows. It's hard for me to really trust anyone.  Especially when it counts.  I expect to be let down.  And today I realized that this also includes God.  I expect Him to let me down too.  That's why I wanted to take the matter into my own hands.  Not a fun thing to realize about yourself.

I was terrified to put all my trust in Him in this minor thing.  But I resolved to do it.  And I did it.  And it all worked out.  And I was shocked.  I don't know why.  Scripture says He will reward our faithfulness.  But for the first time, I really counted on someone and I wasn't let down.  You have no idea what that feels like.

So here I am.  Taking baby steps once again in trust and faith.  I thought I had resolved all this last year, but apparently not.  It would appear as if I still have some issues with faith.  But I think I took another step today on the journey of really having faith.  And I am excited about it!

A lot is going on in our lives right now.  We need to save up for a fence before our dogs cause anymore havoc.  However that's kinda hard to do with birthdays and Father's day coming up.  Yes...birthdays.  ALL. Summer. Long.  June and August being the worst. 

On top of this we are very unhappy with my  husband's employment right now.  He has worked there over 10 years and ....   Well lets just say I am still trying to remain supportive, but it's getting harder and harder to do when they don't appreciate my husband and all his hard work.  I want more than anything for him to have another job, but it has to be the right job.  So again, I am praying about this.  We'll see what the Lord has to say on it.  I fear they are going to run my husband to early grave if he stays where he is much longer.  But like I said, we'll see.  Maybe the Lord will move him somewhere else.  Or maybe he will open the eyes of his employers to see all the hard work he does.  Time will tell.  I just have to pray and really believe that Lord has a plan for us.  Even if I can't see it.  And that we will be okay.  That's hard to do.  We always want to know what's coming next.  We want to know, plan, prepare.  We want control.  Having control makes us feel secure.  The truth is, we have very little control in this life over anything or anyone but ourselves.  It's an illusion. 

I want to put what I feel I have control over into the Lord's hands.  I know if He has it, then it will all be okay.  If I have it, God only knows the mess I could make of things.   This is so much easier said then done.  But it's something I'm working on, letting the Lord be the Lord of my life.  And that means giving Him control.  That means believing his promises in scripture are true....even for me.  Even when I don't deserve them.  All because He loves me.

I'm still working on all this.  This is a journey I started last year.  And I think it's one that will be on going for the rest of my life.  I hope and pray as I get older, I can go deeper.  But for know I have to trust in His timing and take this one step at a time.  Making up my mind every day to renew this dedication to this, to put things in His control, and to truly believe we are in safe hands.

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