Monday, February 28, 2011


Devastation has just hit my family, and I'm completely numb now. All I can do is think of my mom and her sisters right now.

I don't know if I'm numb from the news or from not sleeping in about a week coupled with some stressful situations in my home right now. I think maybe both. Maybe denial? No, not denial. I know it's true, I just don't want to believe it.

I have just cried my eyes out several times already today. I'm researching what I can. I am not liking what I find.

We still have so many questions. We probably have until next week or the week after before they are all answered.

He is a good man. He has lived a good life. If it's between cancer and Alzheimer's, I suppose cancer is the better way to go.

I hope he knows, somewhere down deep, how much he is loved and adored.

Our family has a rocky road ahead. I hate this. First my Dad, then Tommy, then Chris. We knew time was not in our favor with him, but this is heart wrenching. I love him so much!!

One online article I read said the average life span after diagnosis is 8 months. Technically we have no diagnosis yet. The dr. is pretty sure, but wants to run all the test and get the right professionals involved.

I'm scared. For him. For my Grandmother. For my mom and her sisters. For me. For my family.

My eyes hurt from the tears this evening. God, please be with my family right now. We need you.

Again, we find ourselves sitting, waiting for answers that will change our lives.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Today's Tidbit ( A good one!!)

I usually add my tidbits to my tidbit post, but this one is kinda long.

I got an email a few days ago, but I didn't get around to reading it until just now. WOW!! If you keep up with my other blog (Our Road to a New Home) and this one, you'll understand the timing of this. Especially after last's night post about fear, and then my post on my other blog this morning. I guess timing IS everything.

I thought I'd share the email. Please understand I don't always agree with EVERYTHING in stuff like this. But it's about what you gleen...what's appropriate to you and your situation. Anyway, here's the email:

David Wilkerson Today



I believe we limit God today with our doubts and unbelief. Scripture says of
Israel, “Yea, they turned back and tempted God, and limited the holy One of
Israel” (Psalm 78:41). Israel turned away from God in unbelief.

We trust God in most areas of our lives, but our faith always has boundaries
and limits. We have at least one small area that we block off where we don’t
really believe God is going to undertake for us. For example, many readers have
prayed for the healing of my wife Gwen. But often, when it comes to healing for
their own husband, wife, son or daughter, they limit God.

I limit God most in the area of healing. I have prayed for physical healing for
many and I have seen God perform miracle after miracle. But when it comes to my
own body, I limit God. I am afraid to let him be God to me. I douse myself with
medicine or run to a doctor before I ever pray for myself. I’m not saying
it’s wrong to go to the doctor. But sometimes I fit the description of those
who “sought not to the Lord, but to the physicians” (2 Chronicles 16:12).

I ask you: Do you pray for God to bring down walls in China or Cuba—but when
it comes to the salvation of your own family, you don’t have an ounce of
faith? You think, “God must not want to do this. My loved one is such a tough
case. God doesn’t seem to be hearing me in this matter.” If this is true,
you are not seeing him as God. You are ignorant of his ways. God’s desire is
to “do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the
power that worketh in us” (Ephesians 3:20).

God told me, “David, you’ve tied my hands; you’ve shackled me. How can I
heal you when you don’t really believe I will? Your doubt hinders me from
being God to you. I tell you, you don’t know me unless you know that I am
more willing to give than you are to receive.”

Israel murmured continually, “Can God…? Sure, he made a way for us through
the Red Sea, but can he give us bread?” God gave them bread. In fact, he
spread a table for them in the wilderness. “But can he give us water?” they
asked. He gave them water from a rock. “But can he give us meat?” He gave
them meat from the sky. “But can he deliver us from our enemies?”

Time after time God provided and delivered in every area. Yet the people spent
forty years saying, “Can God…? Can God…?

Beloved, we ought to be saying, “God can! God can!” He did—and he will!
God can and will do all that we ask and believe him for.

WOW!! I have been limiting God! It's so scary to step out in faith. Remember Peter? The Lord was walking on the water and Peter said if it is you Lord, allow me to come out with you. And the Lord told him to come (paraphrasing here). Peter stepped out of the boat onto the water (a literal step of faith) and started to walk to Jesus. But then fear set in. And he began to sink. The Lord rebuked him (corrected him) asking him why he was so afraid when the Lord was right there with him the whole time. (There seems to be a whole lesson here on fear sinking things in our lives and us. I will have to reflect on this more in the days to come.) It was a true show and step of faith to leave that boat. It was a miracle. It's time for me to step out in faith for a miracle.

This house...this is our miracle. I am so afraid to fall on my face and be wrong about this. But where there is fear, there is no faith. And where there is no faith, there is no room for God to work. We limit him. (side note: why do we always have the greatest faith for others, but when it comes to something so personal to us, we doubt? Are we afraid that Lord won't love us enough to come through?)

*deep breath and.....exhale*

I'm going to step out in faith...again. I am going to believe that this house is for us. That our offer will be excepted. And if it's not, an offer will be made that is acceptable AND affordable to us. I believe that there may be some wonderful surprises in store at closing (perhaps less closing cost or less mortgage payment. Both would be good. LOL).

It's time I step out in faith for my family. That I stop limiting God. It's time I see what my faith is really made of. It's time I let God show me that He wants to bless me (something I have ALWAYS had a hard time believing for me personally. Maybe that's it. I'm afraid that God will let me down....). And if I fall on my face, I have to trust the Lord will be there to either catch me, or help me back onto my feet.

*another deep breath*

Here we go!

You have no idea how hard this is for me to do. To decide to walk in faith about something so important to my family. And then, to do it so publicly. I'm petrified! BUT, I resolve to be determined to do this. I'm not saying I won't have my moments, I am human. But today, I will start walking in faith. This WILL come to pass. This WILL be. We WILL own this home and we WILL be able to more than afford it! In Jesus' name!!!

Friday, February 25, 2011


My hubby and I have decided to try to haggle and make an offer on a house to be built. I'm so scared. I didn't really realize how much we wanted this. But after looking at several other homes today, we both really realized where our heart lies. I'm scared for several reasons.

I'm scared we (us and them) won't come to terms on a price we can actually afford. Then I'll be stuck with the crap I saw today. =(

I'm scared we'll get it and then not be able to really afford it. That has happened to us too many times.

I'm scared of being let down and getting my heart broken over this. I have tried not to become too attached to this idea. But after today, I realized I am. I know it's just a house. But not to us. To us, it's a home. There's a difference. I could go on and on about the money and the why's and blah blah blah. But I won't. Just know, I'm scared.

It would be BEYOND amazing for us to get this house and afford it. Our dream house. The perfect place, in our minds, to raise our family for the next 10-15 years. See, a home. . . not a house. A place for us to put down roots and raise our girls. I'm tired of moving. This will be our 5th move in the 12 years we've been married. It's getting old. This would truly be a dream come true in the most literal of senses.

I keep asking the Lord to shut this door if it's not for us. And so far, He hasn't. But that is no guarantee that He won't later on down the road. We just take each confirmation that has come as a clue to take the next step. We're taking this one step at a time. Too afraid to look to far ahead. I want to believe..... I do. It's just so hard to believe that we could actually have something this nice and this wonderful. It's too perfect. And you know what they say about something that seems too good to be true! If it seems that way, it usually because it is.

I'm scared that no matter where we end up, we won't be moved in time.

I'm scared we'll have to settle. I don't want to settle. =(

I keep thinking back over all the little tidbits that have occurred. And my decision to stand on faith. Talk about your wavering. Even as I type this, I realize that where there is fear, there is no room for faith. Yet, I'm so scared of stepping out in faith and falling flat on my face.

I'm scared about other things as well. I'm scared for two people I care deeply about who are having some health issues. And even though one seems to improving, the other is not. It breaks my heart. ='(

I'm worried about several people close to me. I just want them to be happy. And due to circumstances at the moment, a few of them are not. I hope each one of them knows I'm thinking of them and sending warm thoughts and hugs their way.

Yes...tonight....I sit here scared. I'm such a coward.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Our new home process

We are trying to get a new home. Today we went and saw a lovely woman and talked about a building a new one. The house we talked about is our dream home. But, can we get it to an affordable price? Is it really what we're suppose to do? I dunno. If this does work out, I'll post more about this wonderful dream home later.

Everybody wants their dream home and have it be affordable, right?

We've learned somethings over the years. We know what's affordable and what's not for us. So, that's a plus. No more dreaming and hoping we can afford something, or trying to make it work. It's one thing to find a home and negotiate price. It's another to get a payment that's more than you can really afford (even if it's just a little bit more) and say you'll find a way to make it work. That's not going to happen anymore. Either it's in our limits at the end of negotiations or it's not. Period.

There are two loans available to us to look into. One puts the house right smack dab where we want to be...without even negotiating price (which we'd still do). The other is $125 off from where we want to be a month (without negotiating). And you be surprised how much needs to be taken off the price to get your payment down that much a month. A LOT!

First we're seeing if we can qualify for the first loan. If we do, well, let's just say that is one door we definitely not close. The other, we're not sure if we'll pursue. We could drop this and that, and negotiate. But, only time will tell.

So right now, we're still sitting. Waiting. Waiting for more information to come in, again. This time it's do we qualify for that first loan. We know we do for the second. But there is NO WAY we can $125 more a month. I know I'm looking for a job. But what little money that brings in (whatever job that may eventually be) we want to make us more comfortable. Be able to do more in life (eat out more, date, vacations, ect). You know...Gravy. We do not want it to go toward the payment. That has to fit into what our finances are now. This is the smartest way for us to look at it.

We did do the pricing a bit on the high side, but you never know what the market will do one to the next, let alone one month to the next. And houses aren't built in a day. And you can only lock into an interest rate with them 60 days before going to closing. So we erred on the side of caution. Better safe, than sorry. This way there is no bad surprises at closing. Ya know?

We are trying to be wise. We really are.

It's not easy to sit down and build your dream home. What about this option? or this? You and your spouse have to agree. Thank goodness we really do agree on a lot. =) But it's a lot to absorb. And this whole processes as been a bit taxing. Not to mention that earlier today an error was made and we thought for a few hours we couldn't get any home (new, older, foreclosure, ect.) for another year. Turns out those emotional few hours were very taxing, and the information was wrong. Praise the Lord above!!

It has been one very long day. My eyes, head, stomach, and back all hurt. I am drained emotionally, mentally, and physically today. And I feel like I have gone through all this, to wait again. But, it's part of the processes. One hurdle at a time. This hurdle is USDA loan qualification.

I don't know what's going to happen. But God does. I know He knows best. So right I'm praying that if this is HIS will for us, he open keep the door open...WIDE! If not, let this door shut. I'm putting my trust in Him.

On top of this very emotional and taxing day, my middle girl's asthma is acting up again. =/

Tomorrow I wait for a phone call. It's also my nieces birthday. I hope we get to do something fun with her to help her celebrate.

Anyway... this is where we are at. Waiting. Wondering what our options are, again. lol This is definitely a lesson in patience and trust.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

how do you know?

How do you know when you hear HIS voice, and not your own?

"Build my house and I'll build yours"

Time will tell....but....I believe.

New House....Wrong House

We're going to talk to a woman tomorrow about building a house. A home. But it just hit focus is on building the WRONG house.

I'm not talking about a house you can touch, see, or even live in. I'm talking about building MY house. My family. My "temple" or "house" in which the Lord dwells in me. That is the house I need to be building. I have sat stagnant for far to long. I am not even sure where to start.

I have screwed up plenty!! I have made a TON of mistakes and bad choices. BUT...isn't that where grace and mercy come in? I didn't do these things COUNTING on Grace and Mercy. But I definitely repented!! The Lord wasn't sent to the save the righteous, but those of us who have fallen! I am so Thankful for my Lord.

My house is dusty. It needs repair and work. I plan on building, baby. I want to be all that He created me to be.

It's funny how something in the natural can spark a revelation in the spiritual! I'm not saying that we are or aren't going to build a real house to live in with our family. God only knows that. But I know, right now, I need to concentrate on the house within me. My heart. My spirit. Where the Lord wishes to dwell.

Words to me this week:

I have hope again. Praise the Lord!!!


OMG. Ok. I'm so damn sick of everyone's stinking opinions on what Wes and I need to do or should do. GET OVER IT!! There is only ONE person who's opinion I have asked mother's. If you aren't her, keep your opinion to yourselves!!

We are stressed right now!! To the max!! Work could be better, that would help. His health is NOT good right now. And this house hunting thig if very stressful in itself.

We need support. Not your damn opinions!! I could give a flying duck what YOU think is best for US. You worry about your own damn life!! If I'm sharing something with you, it's because I want support, not opinions.

We have not resigned ourselves to one thing or another. We are weighing all our options. And to do that, you need all the information. And to get that, you have to go through certain processes and talk to certain people.

All you Debbie Downers can take flying leap. Okay! I mean that.

New house? Foreclosure? Sale listing? I don't care what YOU think is right for us. Only we are qualified to make that choice.

We really needed support. Instead most of the handful of people I have talked to have nothing but opinions. *sigh*

Maybe it's time we no longer talk to anyone. We just keep everything to ourselves until we sign on a house...which ever house that is.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Running Tab......tid bits

Ok, day before yesterday I woke up singing the chorus to a song. Literally. The Chorus went:

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Today I wake up and take a shower and find myself singing the song in my last blog. I bolded the parts that really stuck in my head.
(These are the parts:
Could be!

Who knows?
There's something due any day;
I will know right away,
Soon as it shows.

I got a feeling there's a miracle due,
Gonna come true,
Coming to me!

Could it be? Yes, it could.
Something's coming, something good,
If I can wait!

Something's coming, don't know when, but it's soon)

Then today my friend posts :
"Many of the things that seem impossible now will become realities tomorrow." - Walter Elias Disney
Of course I re-posted it. =)

I am so afraid to think that these are "signs" or "messages". I have dealt with too much disappointment in the past...year and half... I just can't be let down in such a big way again.

We are trying to get a new home. We are looking a building our own home, as well as looking at houses on the market, short sales, and foreclosures. We are keeping all our options open right now.

The house we'd love to We really liked it. And so did the girls. There are some risks, but the more I look into things, I realize that even a deal on an older home at the same price would cost more b/c they have all been appraised over $200k and that tax value adds to the escrow of the payment. (Did I even word that right?) And with an older home, you have things that are going to need to be fixed or replaced sooner rather than later (windows, doors, roof, carpet, appliances, ect. depending on the age). A brand new home comes with a warranty that covers this crap for a little a while. It's one less worry. Plus, the payment is less on the same amount b/c the tax value is different. Add to that a home that NO ONE has ever lived in but you... It is very enticing.

So many people have so many opinions on all this. they give me a headache.

In the end, a part of me wants to believe that all these are signs and messages to me. That all this will somehow work out and will have a big, beautiful new home. But I keep squashing that. I keep reminding myself that we will most likely end up with an older home, a smaller home, that needs some work. That has always been the way our luck has fallen with things. The only time I think I ever owned anything was car. It was totaled in less than a year (not my fault). I would love for our "luck" to finally be changing!!! But....I can't hold on to that hope. I just can't afford to be that disappointed if it doesn't happen.

We're going out to talk to the woman about building a house on Sunday. We'll see what kind of numbers we walk away with. But that being said...who knows if those same prices will still hold up in April when we become available for financing. I expect to walk away disappointed. I'm trying to prepare myself now.

I'm so afraid we're gonna get screwed over in this whole house buying thing. I'm afraid we're going to settle for something we're aren't real happy with.

I started this blog to talk about all the little "tid-bits" that are popping up in my life. The songs, the quotes, ect. I think it will be neat to keep track of them. I didn't mean to go off on a tear about my fears. But I had to explain perhaps why these tidbits might be a part of my life. Who knows. Maybe I am reading to much into things. Maybe. The only way to find out is keep this log of it all. So here we go!! 2/18/11

2/19/11: Tonight I got this from a friend online...on FB actually: It is Psalm 31:24 ~ Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

He is speaking!

2/20/11: There is no storm too big that isn't followed by a rainbow (The night that we went through believing for a while we weren't going to able to get a home at all for another year. It devastated us on so many levels. But it made Wes realize what he liked and wanted.)on FB by a friend

2/21/11: License Plate today: HVNOFEAR (have no fear)

2/22/11: Decided to step out in faith believe in this. As soon as I did, I saw this immediately following:
Trust Crowds Out Worry: Commit your way to the Lord...and He shall bring it to pass. Psalm 37:5

2/23/11: "good things come to those who wait" This is what suddenly went through my mind while my MIL and I talked today by phone.

2/24/11: Checked my FB first thing this a.m. Usually I do the news first, then email, then FB. This is what awaited me on my news feed: "Be not afraid, only believe...." Mark 5:36 And was from the radio station NEW LIFE 91.9.

I decided to walk in faith on the 22 and then on the 23 I did an about face when faced with an obstacle. Not sure if that was a firey dart to test my faith, or a dose of reality. I know where I stand. I know that despite what we think we want, the Lord knows what's best. And I'm ok with that.

Last night, my darling husband started to trying to figure out the new offer and banging out numbers on a scrap sheet of paper, or so he thought. He flipped it over and it ended up being a receipt for jeans I had bought online. The word in the middle of the paper: MILAN. Apparently a type of jean I bought and it's also the model house we are trying for. What are the odds?

3/2/11 continued: in another blog entry I put this but thought it deserved to be here too. The place we are looking at building had all construction stopped and was abandoned for about 2 years (maybe a little more). I called my hubby out of the blue and asked if he had heard anything about this place recently. He chuckled and said he was about to call and ask me the same thing. Odd huh?
Then I research it online and found out they JUST re-opened!! LITERALLY!! We were one of the very first people to show up over there. And as of now, that we know of, they have been re-opened about a month (the week we checked into it!) and no offers have been put in yet.

How do 2 people think of the same abandon place, on the same the day if that is not God? Let alone, one that JUST re-opened and NO ONE knew about it! We have not driven by the place in over two years! There are no signs anywhere. So it's not like it's a constant reminder. It was literally out of the blue. A God thought perhaps?

3/10/11: Okay. We have been through, you have the house, you don't, you do, and then you don't. And now, a ray of hope. Yesterday we thought we would picking out colors for the new home. NOPE. Waiting to see if God move's. It was a very hard day yesterday. Then on one of the shows I watch they kept talking about going to Milan (the name of the model house we are building is Milan). It felt like salt in a wound. I didn't think too much of it. Then at bedtime, I posted a GN to FB about the same time a friend posted something that I have NO idea what it meant. Here it is, can you guess what stood out first thing to me?

"And so my beloved #ACMilan fails to advance in the UEFA Champions League. Better luck next time, #rossoneri!"

It was posted right below my post. MILAN stood out immediately.

Maybe more signs to have faith? Maybe not. But I CHOOSE to have faith.

4/1/11 APril Fools. I have standing in faith and trying to fight the fear of a rejection letter in the mail today. Imagine my relief when there wasn't one in there. lol Anyway, I have been struggling some and really trying to stay in peace in Lord.
I was picking up my den and under my table was a church bulletin from Nov 1/2 2008, 2008. On the very front is the word: BLUEPRINTS stamped on blueprints. lol It mus have fallen out of my bible. =D God is good.

Something's Coming

Been singing this all day. Who knows? lol

Could be!
Who knows?
There's something due any day;
I will know right away,
Soon as it shows.
It may come cannonballing down through the sky,
Gleam in its eye,
Bright as a rose!

Who knows?
It's only just out of reach,
Down the block, on a beach,
Under a tree.
I got a feeling there's a miracle due,
Gonna come true,
Coming to me!

Could it be? Yes, it could.
Something's coming, something good,
If I can wait!
Something's coming, I don't know what it is,
But it is
Gonna be great!

With a click, with a shock,
Phone'll jingle, door'll knock,
Open the latch!
Something's coming, don't know when, but it's soon;
Catch the moon,
One-handed catch!

Around the corner,
Or whistling down the river,
Come on, deliver
To me!
Will it be? Yes, it will.
Maybe just by holding still,
It'll be there!

Come on, something, come on in, don't be shy,
Meet a guy,
Pull up a chair!
The air is humming,
And something great is coming!
Who knows?
It's only just out of reach,
Down the block, on a beach,
Maybe tonight . . .

Thursday, February 17, 2011


Stress? What's that? LOL

I have lost two people I considered very close to me in the past two weeks. My husband and I are trying to save up and buy a house. We don't agree on what we want. My kids and husband ... one of them has been sick for the past 4 weeks!! My kids are finally healed and now he's sick.

And then...then there is someone close to me right now with a health scare. And it's scaring me to death. They don't want others to know, so I can't reveal who it is. But I'm so frightened. I don't want them to know though. I broke down in tears tonight at the kitchen sink. They HAVE to be okay. I can't lose them. I can't.

I need to cry. I need to scream. I need to get drunk. I need a hug. I need...... Damn...I wish I knew. I need a break from stress. But I can handle it. I just need to be strong until more info is found out.

The stress of buying a house is tough on all couples. Losing a friend is hard. Losing two is twice as hard. And all I can do now is worry about the possibility that I may lose this person too. I know I'm jumping the gun until results get in. But....I can't lose them. Not now. Not ever. There are very few people in my life I trust with my life. I trust with my secrets. Very few people that I can honestly say that there aren't enough words in the English language to put down how I feel about them. This person with the health scare is one of those people.

I feel like I'm closing to a breaking a point. Or at least I did until I started typing this. Now, now I feel....stronger. Less scared, more ready to kick butt. I will do whatever I have to, to not lose another person in my life. I WILL BE STRONG!!!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I wish

I wish I could tell you the following:

I wish you could see how foolish you are being. Truly.

You sent your kid to school untreated with lice. My kid sits next to yours on the bus. I find out DAYS later about all this because your man was venting to mine about life. WTH? You didn't think I deserved a phone call? A text?

Yes, most die within the 10 minutes of the treatment, but not all do. You were irresponsible. As your friend, I deserved a heads up. As a mother to a child that sits with yours I did. As someone who picks up YOUR kid after the bus drops off I did. But no. You didn't do that. Just a "hey..this is what's going on. I did treat her once she got home, but you may want to watch your daughter, just in case." But you were just incapable of being a decent friend, parent or human being in this case. *sigh* You were plan out irresponsible.

When I found out I informed the mother of the other child I thought sat on the bus with them (I hate they sit 3 to seat). I did the RIGHT, the RESPONSIBLE thing. Something you did not do.

I'm sorry that other mother, told someone else, who told their kid, who made fun of your child, and your child's feelings were hurt. I am. But in the end, all this is just ripple effects from YOUR decisions to begin with. I am not blame. And for you to blame me and cut me out of your life for this, is just asinine and childish.

I liked you. I thought we were friends. But looking back over the past few months, I can see we weren't. You seemed to always be looking for an excuse to be upset with me for something.

I'm hurt. But I can't figure out if it's because I feel the pain of an ended friendship, or if it's because I am aware there was never any real friendship there to begin with. Maybe both.

You are being childish about this. And because of all of this, I have cut you out of my life as well. You yourself never even talked to me about any of this. You sent your husband/boyfriend to do it. I'm sorry you can't see that all this comes back to you and to your decisions to being with. I'm sorry that my apologies were not enough for you. I'm sorry you couldn't see the friend you had and threw me away. I just don't care anymore and want nothing more to do with you.

You are now my driving force to leave this God forsaken neighborhood. I had enough reasons before. But now, the sooner the better. We can't even be neighbors. How sad. And why? Because you are too immature to own up to your own mistakes. You have to blame everyone else. I'm tired of being a whipping post. Not just to you, but to others too. And they have been cut loose too.

I'm sure you guys will party hard once we're gone. Have fun!!

Monday, February 14, 2011

It's V day, but ouch.

It's Valentine's Day. I have had the best time with my kids the past few days. =) Today went well too. =) I am content. I like saying that. Not many people can. I am married to a great guy. I have wonderful kids. I have an awesome family. And the friends in my life at this moment, well... A person couldn't ask for better. We're about to embark on a journey to purchase a new home. Life isn't perfect, but it's good.

All this being said...

I'm hurting a little. I didn't want to believe it. I have tried hard to just concentrate on the good I have right now. But, it's there. Buried.

There was a friend of mine who I really liked. A misunderstanding has lead to a falling out. I miss this person. I wanted to not care. But the truth is, I do. I'm sad at the loss of the friendship.

Then there is another friend who I have seemed to have lost. They made one to many negative comments about my marriage on the web. I told them I wasn't going to tolerate that anymore. Instead of an apology, I got a passive-aggressive comment/stance. I tried to be patient and point out the flaw in their logic. It went ignored and got deleted. But their attacking comeback to me remained. I just am not going to stand by and let people bash my marriage who not around to even see it. I have a good marriage. It wasn't always so. Last year was very hard. But we have moved passed it. Every marriage has their ups and downs. And we have moved through our down and worked on it and are still working on it. We are happy. I will stand up for my man and my marriage.

This person had a very selfish way about them. They said whatever they wanted about anything they wanted. Even if it wasn't right to do so. I use to tell them that they had no filter. We argued about it several times. I expect children to say whatever comes to their mind. But adults are suppose to mature passed that to a point where you know what's ok to say and not to say (most of the time. Lets face it...none of is us perfect). They way they saw things was the ONLY way. They could never be wrong. And apologies, well, they never really existed with them. It was so much easier for them to attack me then, then just say they were sorry.

I had to cut this person out of my life too. It was hard and still is. And of course, I am still the bad guy and in the wrong. It can't be them or their fault. But what kind of woman or wife would I be if I just let them talk smack about my marriage? They'd would want their spouse to do the same thing I did if they were married. But of course, that doesn't matter.

Two people I truly care about are gone from my life. And as wonderful as everything else is going, my heart aches due to these loses. It will take time to heal.

Sunday, February 13, 2011


Wow, what an interesting, fun, and yet destructive tool.

I have been able to keep in touch with family and friends all around the country! It's been amazing! I love the support system it gives each of us. I am addicted. lol But, recently, I have also found out how people can use it as weapon of sorts.

A "friend" and I seemed to have had a falling out. I really wasn't too aware of it. I thought we had a misunderstanding. But this person has pretty much cut off all contact with me. Things we were invited to be a part of, we were suddenly not so welcome to be a part of. And their blatant ignoring of us on facebook also did not go unnoticed.

So the time has come to clean out the wonderful FB list. While I'm at it, I'm going to delete people from as far back as high school. It's one thing to comment and support each other. Call each other. See each other if you're in the same area. But why be a FB friend to someone you NEVER talk too? I could care less about hurting their feelings at this point. They know if we are really friends or not. I don't need a bunch of nosey people butting into my life. If you really aren't a part of it, you have no business reading about it. Period. Sorry, but that's just my view.

I'm not out in life to win a popularity contest. I don't need 300 friends. I just need people in my life I can trust. People I like and who like me. People who aren't addicted to drama. People who appreciate me and I them.

Time to simplify!

Saturday, February 12, 2011


Friends. I have many many good friends. I love them each dearly. But I have been made painfully aware that one person I called friend is in no such way that at all. Their actions over the several months would suggest otherwise. Oh....they can play a good game. I give them that.

I'm tired of being the punching bag they use when they get pissed off about something. Sometimes, the blame lies within. Sometimes it's YOUR decisions, YOUR choices that create what you hate most. Yes...this statement is toward them, but I can really draw from it too.

I made the decision to move passed past hurts. I loved this person. I cared. I see now that it was one way. I was never truly seen as a friend to them. What was I to them? I may never know.

I am neither stupid nor blind. I know how women are. Kinda why I always got along better with men all my life I suppose.

A part of me is beyond livid tonight. Livid at the audacity said person has to blame me for THEIR mistake. Livid that I was stupid enough to care about them. Livid I even find myself in such a situation at this age in life.

*sigh* To continue to be upset is to continue to care. I refuse to do that. I'm done. I do not have time in my life such drama. Life is too short to waste. People always show their true colors. I tend to give the benefit of the doubt. We all make mistakes. Shoot. None of us is perfect. We have all fallen short.... But in the end, a person's true colors always show through.

To this person: I am not sure why you pretended to be a friend to me. I truly thought of you as one. I understand your hurt and anger. But in the end, it all came back to the choices YOU made to begin with. But you will probably never see that. And for the record, I was pissed too. Make no mistake about it. But, I forgave b/c I cared about you. I will NEVER make that mistake again. I promise. I'm done with you.

It is what it is. Life moves on and so must I.

Friday, February 4, 2011

trying to find the words

Well, last night apparently I lost a friend. We find out my husband's granddad is ill. Tonight he went to the hospital. Not good. Today my eldest came down sick. And it has been horrific.

She was horrible at the dr. office. To the point where she was almost to the point of twisting my wrist to the point of breaking it. With tears in my eyes, I told her to stop before she broke it. She lashed out and said "Good! Since I'm in pain you will be too." All this because they had to do a finger prick.

This is SOOOOO unlike her. Broke my heart. She's pushed me away, kicked me. And thrown several fits all day. Knowing she was in pain and hurting and sick, I have been patient today. Never once raising my voice to her. She continued to treat me poorly all day long. Tonight she took it the world wide web. She told out right lies online trying to hurt me. And when I confronted her about it, she didn't deny it. My heart has been breaking all day due to her actions. But I have shown so much patience and grace with her....

A dear friend of mine delivered today. Her baby was too early. He's fighting to breath in the NICU. I'm concerned for her and him, and their family. I want to be at a friend's loved one's funeral tomorrow to support her, but I cannot make it now and feel like a heel for it. Both families are in my prayers.

The past 24 hours have been so crappy. I feel the tears. They are ready to pour down my face. I'm not letting them though. It would be great to be with a girl friend and have a glass of wine and talk. But ... It's not going to happen. So here I sit...trying to let some of this out. I hate feeling this weak over all this crap. So I will be strong. Crying never really solves anything anyway. Not in cases like this. I keep holding onto the fact that tomorrow is a new day. It will better. "This too shall pass."

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The road to hell is paved....

...with good intentions.

I did something today. I did the "right" thing by all accounts. However....others got involved and now a little girl was hurt. Not physically. But emotionally. I feel lower than low.

I have tried to tell myself that if the initial party did the right thing to begin with, this all could have been avoided. And there is truth to that. But . . . In the end my actions hurt a child.

I don't know. Maybe it's a combination of every one's actions. In the end, does it really matter who is to blame? Me? The party who said something to someone else? The third party for running their mouth? The parents of the hurt girl? All that matters is a little girl is hurting tonight and no one can do a damn thing about it. When I learned of it, I felt physically ill. I thought I was gonna be sick. My heart aches for her and her parents. What happened should have never happened. Ever.

I want to turn back time. But I can't. I'm sure her parents do too.

I know in my heart, there was no malice. There was no "gossip". There was no wrong doing. There was only good intentions. There was only doing the right thing.

However other people who were to NEVER be involved somehow got involved. And not by my hand.

Now, I have to decide on another matter.

Do I let my children play with the offending child (not the offended)? She is already is no longer allowed in my home. The child has no respect for anyone or their things. She has been known to be cruel. A lot actually. What she did to today....was ... too far. However my kids were not there and we were not involved. We weren't even home. But I'm not so sure I want my kids around such a kid at all anymore.

But this child's parent's...aren't the most responsible parents. I know she likes me. Do I try to be a good influence in her life still? Even after all she's done? What will happen to my children if I allow her to stay in their lives? When does one say enough is enough?

I know all this is cryptic. But to give details would be to air other people's business and no matter how confusing this is, or how awful a light it seems to paint me in, I know better. And I can't air other people's stuff.

I just needed to vent. To let it all out. I wish I could help the child that is hurting. More than words can say. =(