Friday, March 23, 2012

=) =) =)

TGIF!!  Thank Goodness It's Friday!  My kids only have a 1/2 day of school today, so they'll be home for lunch and I am soooo excited about that!  =)  I can't wait!  And since they are calling for rain most of the weekend, when I'm out running errands in a bit, I'm going to stop by the Redbox Kiosk and pick up the movies I have on hold for us!  I even have cookies I may make this weekend.  =)  I love having them home.  I can't wait for summer!

Last night, I made an entry that many may think me weird for.  *shrugs*  That's okay.  I am who I am.  Well, last night my husband came home from work and gave me two nuggets of good news:

1.  He was able to secure something really fun and nice for someone who could use "nice" right now and I am just over the moon excited about it.  I love it when things like this happen.  It makes your heart smile when something you or a loved one does to put a smile on someone else's face. 

This alone, made my night last night.  But then told me something else.....

2.  We get to take the kids back to the GWL!!  ( Great Wolf Lodge!)  For anyone that doesn't know what that is, it's a themed hotel and indoor/outdoor water park.  In the summer they have an outdoor pool that's open.  But the indoor water park is open all year around to guests staying at the lodge only.  It also has an ice cream parlor, restaurants, gift shops, spas for adults and children, story time at big tree, and something they call Magiquest.

We took the kids 2 years ago and they loved it!  They have mentioned wanting to go back, over and over and over and over (well you get the gist here) again.  I can't wait!!  We just need to narrow down when to take them.  My youngest is going to love it!  She loves water now!  The first time she was just a year old and wasn't sure what to make of it all.  I can't wait to see what she's like this time!

We opted not to take a "real vacation" this year for several reasons.  One being we have plans to start improving our backyard for the summer so we can entertain (extend the patio, get a grill, get patio furniture, maybe a gas fire pit and a tent like gazebo thing, ect).  That takes money.  And I really hope we can get it all done.  It would mean a lot to me.

The other reason is that we would like to take the girls to Disney next year.  So we're going to save up for that.  That means no vacation this year.  We were a little bummed about not getting to go anywhere this year, we need a family vacation.  So now, getting this little nugget of information, put my already good spirits even higher!  When we went two years ago, we talked about how it was like a vacation!  We may be in our home town, but it feels like we're miles away from everything.  It was just a time of good family fun!  We loved it.  I can't wait to do it again!

So maybe I am little weird, or superstitious.  But when that songs pops in my head (from the last entry) for seemingly no reason, it seems to mean something to me.  And whether you count it coincidence or something else, makes no difference to me.  I just know that I am thanking God for both these things today. 

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Somethings Coming...

So about a year ago, I made a post about this song that just popped into my head out of the blue.  I hadn't watched the movie it was in, in years!  I found it odd, strange.  And I had hoped there was some meaning to it.

Here is the link to it:

So today I'm at my sisters and we are talking and watching some show and I get up to use the rest room, and what pops in my head? 

"Something's coming, I don't know what it is,
But it is
Gonna be great!" 

It's from that song.  I have NO idea why it popped in my head and I started singing it.  But after singing some of the song, it hit me that this same thing happened last year.  And last year, we got a house.  So yeah...when this song hits me completely out of the blue, I do wonder what it may mean.  I guess only time will tell.....

Tuesday, March 20, 2012


Today has been yet another one of those days that you can add to the list of days that really sucked this year so far.  I have had a lot of those.  More than usual.  More than I want.  More than anyone would want.  But, so many others out there have it so much worse than I do.  If these are my problems, I should be thankful they aren't worse.  For example:

I got super upset when something we really wanted and thought was an answer to so many prayers of ours didn't work out for us not long ago.  But they say everything happens for reason (btw, don't tell this to a person who has been devastated by something.  It only makes them want to smack you.  Wait until they are really in a place to hear it).  A friend of mine told me this not long ago (it was after the initial shock of the devastation, so she was good.  lol).  I could not for the life me understand what that reason could be.  And it didn't seem as if the Lord was going to answer me about it either.  I felt like nothing was going to be good enough anyway.  Boy was I was wrong.  And I have to tell you, I actually cried today at how selfish I was about it all and how foolishly I reacted to it.  I felt so badly about it.

You see, my husband got a phone call here at home today from a total stranger, while he was out doing our taxes.  She was given his name as a contact to help with a fund raiser for little boy that's 2 1/2 years old and is dying from brain cancer.   The little boy's name is Carter.  And I have been following him on both Facebook and on his Caring Bridge page.  He is a local boy.  And what he and his family have gone through the past 6 months since getting his diagnosis have astounded me.  His mother's faith is inspiring!!  I cry every time I read an update just about.

Little Carter doesn't have much time left.  In fact, they thought they were going to lose him about a week ago.  But he's still here.  Still fighting.  He is so brave and strong.  Such a fighter.  He's coming home soon.  And the community is having a fund raiser for him and his family.  They want it to be full of things Carter likes.

I had no idea this was going on, as Carter's family doesn't know.  So it's not in the updates.  When the phone call came today for husband about this fundraiser, I was floored!  My husband would not have had a clue about anything, as I have not told him about Carter and he is too busy working to follow it.  But I knew.  I knew his story.  I had been following it, shedding tears and offering up prayers along the way.  So it was good that my husband wasn't home to get the call.  God works in mysterious ways!

I got all information I could from the caller.  When my hubby got home I got to explain to him about this brave little boy the age of our youngest daughter.  Then I told him about the phone call.  He got right to work making calls with contacts and seeing what he could do help.  I'm not sure he would have been in a position to do that had the other path worked out.  If this is the reason we are on the same old path, I can handle this.  This is worth it.  This is worth every heartache we have ever had on this path if it helps out Carter and his family.

It's things like this that get me thinking.  Life is going to be hard.  And we are going to go through periods of rough times.  But my rough time is not having to make funeral arrangements for my dying toddler.  My rough time is not having to watch as my child goes through hell and all I can do is hold their hand and pray for miracle.  It really gives you perspective.

Life may not be all wonderful right now, but it is going to get better.  And I get to decide if I want to keep looking at what is wrong and letting it get me down, or if I want to look out into the horizon at the hope of tomorrow and every day after that.  I get to decide on how much I let things get to me.  It's my choice.  I can choose to stay miserable or I can choose to try and be more positive.  If energy begets energy, then I want the energy I'm putting out into my life to be positive energy and not negative.  I surely don't want a double dose of that!

No matter what problems I am facing right now (whether physical, emotional, financial, whatever), I know that one day things will change and get better.  I have faith in that.  And if I have faith in that, then why stay so glum?  I have family I love and whom love me.  I have friends I adore.  I have a beautiful home.  And we pay our bills, have food in the kitchen, and clothes on our backs.  We have vehicles, and a dog.  We are all relatively healthy.  My husband has had the same job for going on 12 years.  We have health insurance.  So if we have issues of any kind, I have to keep perspective.  In the end, I have it pretty good.  And I shouldn't take that for granted.  None of us should.  It's okay to have a bad day or rough period.  But we can't let it consume us.

Yup.  Things are going to get better.  I just know it.  ;-)

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Gray Matter

I was catching up on a show I DVRed tonight.  (One episode left and I'm caught up!  YAY!!)  And although the actual show is all make believe, and based on such, it got me thinking about life.  My post on FB (Facebook) tonight was this:

Catching up on a show tonight. Makes me think... Funny how everyone wants life to be black and white. And how quick people are to judge. But they don't always have all the facts. And yes, right is right and wrong is wrong. But I do believe there is a gray area that God sees. A gray area we all get lost in from time to time. Maybe that's where grace comes in....

It amazes me how quick people are to judge others.  I'm not saying I have never judged.  I have.  I'll admit it.  I'm not proud of it.  As life moves forward, I find myself trying harder and harder not to judge others.  I remind myself that I don't have all the facts about any given situation, that there are 2 sides to every story always.  And somewhere in the middle of those two stories is the absolute truth.  Our truths are not always the absolute truth.  No one is perfect.  We all make mistakes.  And even though, yes, right is right and wrong is wrong, I think that gray area effects us more than we know.

Lets say you find out a neighbor is having an affair.   What do you think of them?  Are you quick to judge?  Let's say it's the wife this time.  Do you think she is an awful person and her husband deserves better?

Now what if I tell you that the husband beats her behind closed doors.  What if he has threatened the life of her and anyone else she is ever involved with should he find out.  What then?  What if she tried to leave before and was beat within an inch of her life?  What now?  What if the wife didn't plan on it, but did finally find a love that was real with her affair?  Does that somewhat change your view of the situation?  Yes, it's wrong, but now you have understanding and perhaps feel sympathy for her.

What if it was the man having an affair?  Would you think scumbag?  Or perhaps "way to go!"?  What if I told you that his wife worked long hours.  And when she came home she had no time for him.  What if he had been neglected emotionally for years by her.  And she didn't care.  What if he never set out for the affair?  What if he just slowly over years built a friendship with someone and then that turned to more.  What if this woman truly cared for him and him for her?  What if the husband was torn between the two women?  The one he married and made vows too, and the one he loves will all he has in him?  What then?  Any difference in your thinking now?  What if the husband and wife had tried all they could, and she was unwilling to change?

Here is one for you:  What if him being married led him to the love he was always meant to be with?  Do to choices made by the other person, things didn't happen as they should have and this was the only way for them to get together?  Do you believe in that?

Don't get me wrong, affairs are horrible!!  They are wrong.  Period.  But as this show made me think, sometimes we don't have all the facts and we judge.  We judge without walking a minute in this other persons shoes.  And we judge based on who we are and how things effect us, not on who THEY are and how things effect them. 

Gray Matter.

What if a man was arrested for murder.  Burglary gone bad.   He beat a man to death.  The home owner.  What do you think now?

Now lets say that the man arrested was laid off over a year ago and despite his best efforts couldn't find work.  He was losing his home.  Lets say he was a widower, with 3 young children.  Lets say he ran out of government help and needed to feed his kids and knew this house had more than enough.  All he wanted was food for his kids.  What if he reasoned with home owner, and the home owner pulled a gun on him anyway and it was a struggle for life and death.  Not just his life, but that of his kids as well.  Because if he dies, what will happen to his kids?

Yes, theft is wrong.  Period.  But desperate people do desperate things.  What if because of circumstances we cannot even imagine, he was driven to this?  What then?  Yes he was wrong to break in.  The death was accident.  The man who died had no compassion.  Does it even make a difference in how you see the situation at all?

Gray Matter.  It's everywhere.  We all have made poor choices because of it at one time or another.  And if you haven't yet, God bless you.  Someday, you will.  When we are ruled with emotions, we can't always see black and white for what they are.  Sometimes it's all gray and blended.  Sometimes we just want... an escape?  A way out?  To be loved?  To be be thought of as important?  To take care of our loved ones?  Whatever it is....  one day I think everyone will face it.  I pray that is where God's grace comes in.  I really do.  Because I think we all get caught up in it at one point or another.  I pray we learn from it if we are caught up in it and let it makes us better people.

I wish things were always black and white.   But the truth is they aren't.  There is gray, whether you admit it or not.  And until you have lived that gray area, you have no right to stand in judgement of anyone.  After all, we are all human.  We all make mistakes, right?

Gray matter.  No matter what it is, no matter how big or small, I think it stinks.  I think it can ruin lives if we let it.  OR, we can learn from it and move on.

Gray matter.  I wish everyone would remember it's out there.  I wish everyone would remember that they don't have all facts before they pass judgement on others.

Gray matter.  It's there.  Whether you like it or not. 

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Beware the Ides of March.....

The title is from Julius Caesar.  The Soothsayer said it, I think.  I'm not sure about the "Ides" exactly (which is the 15th of March I to believe), but I can tell you right now, I HATE MARCH!  HATE IT!!  (okay... a few years ago my car was totaled on March 15 by an idiot who ran a stop maybe there is something to it after all.  lol)

Every year, from March-May, my husband's work goes on this competition to sell as much as possible.  My husband practically lives there anyway, but these 3 months are the worst. He will pretty work 12 -14 hour days, EVERY day, 6 days a week most weeks.  Although we both will do our best to make sure that no longer happens, sometimes it is what it is.  It's hard time for me.  It's hard for him.  We call this time "Hell".  Because to us, it is.

Then there is remembering....

My cousin died in a car accident when he was 16 (he was not driving and not at fault).  His birthday is this month.  He would have been 34 I believe. You can't have March without thinking of him.

He was the kinda guy, even at 16, that just infected you.  His smile lit up his face and the room.  He was a big family man.  Always was.  He loved being with family, all of us.  On holidays, he would bring fun things for us all to do together.  I like to imagine that if he were still around today he probably would have served in the armed forces.  He'd have a wife.  And he would have been an amazing dad.  He wasn't your typical teenager.  That's not say he didn't like some of the typical things teenage boys like, but I have never met another man that age that was as deeply rooted in common sense and family values as he was. 

My father died when I was just a little girl on March 27th.  That alone is enough to just hate this month.  So anyway, you can see, that this time of year (March) has my family deep in thoughts of loved ones passed.

This year, we add another one that list, my Granddad who just passed.  You see, Granddad was Irish.  And his favorite holiday (other than Christmas) was St. Patrick's Day.  My family always gets together for this holiday.  We make a ton of food!  It's always a good time.  This year, it will be the first holiday we will celebrate with my Grandfather here.  Add to that, that it was one of his favorites, well....  You can imagine. 

I, in some ways, am not looking forward to this weekend.  I'm not looking forward to the tears and pain I know this weekend holds for all of us.  It's the first holiday without him.  It's another reminder that our lives are going on without him (without all of them). 

But in other ways, I am looking forward to this weekend.  I am looking forward to the comfort of being with family, my family.  I am looking forward to the talks and laughter.  I'm looking forward to the food.  I'm looking forward to us all just being together again and going through this together.  I love that my family is like this.  I know a lot families out there live too far from each other or don't make the effort to stay close.  I know a lot of families are full of drama and they only think that families like mine only exist on the big screen.  And that just makes me all the more thankful for what I have.  It makes my family all the more precious to me.  All of them.

March is not my most favorite month.  It's probably my least favorite (after January).  But as painful as this month is, it also serves as a reminder of all I do have, of the family I still have that love me, and how I love them.  It helps me to stop and stock of where I am in life and remember some of the things that passed family members have taught me.  

March is when spring is ushered in.,a time of renewal and new life.  A time of hope.  I stop and think of what my family members who are no longer here meant to me. I am reminded of the blessings they were to me, to have such great men in my life... amazing.   I stop and look at all who are in my life now, family and friends, and smile at the blessing each one is to me.  March forces me to look at my life and count all my blessings.  So perhaps, in some ways, it's a renewal time for me too.

Perhaps March isn't all bad.  Maybe it's more of a two edged sword.  One side does hurt, no doubt.  But without that hurt perhaps I would not stop and take the time to realize all the good I have in my life today. 

I can't wait to be with my family again this weekend.  I think a part of me really needs it. 

I don't know if I'll write again before this weekend.  So just in case:  Happy St. Patrick's Day Y'all!  Enjoy the time you have those who mean something to you.  You never know when it may be the last.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Looking Back

The past few days I have been looking back over the past few months.  I have been trying to see the bigger picture.  I have been trying to evaluate where I have gone wrong, or what I could have done differently. 

I know my house has been riddled with sickness.  But we eat pretty healthy, and my kids take vitamins.  I don't know there was a lot I could do here.  EXCEPT....

While pretty much being home bound lately due to either sick kids or a sick me, I did realize one thing towards the end of all the illness:  As stir crazy as I was becoming from not being able to go many places because we were sick, I did enjoy our place of solitude.  I don't know that I have ever been that content for that long because of illness.  And I realized, almost a little too late, that I at least had the blessing of home I love (REALLY love) to stay couped up in.  It helps to like the place you are stuck in.  It only adds to the frustration when you can't stand where you live.  And I am very thankful I got to be quarantined in our new home.

As far as my Granddad goes....  I know he knows I love him.  Always has.  That has to be enough.  I can't go back in time and spend more time with him before he was sick.  I can't go back fix things I didn't like about how I handled certain things.  However, I can use what I have learned in the future.  I can make sure the ones in my life now know what they mean to me and how important they are to me.  I can make sure to try my hardest to communicate better with everyone and not make the same mistakes.

Then there is what took place to that put bump in my marriage.......

The truth is, it hurt.  Still does.  But who among us is without fault?  Which one of us has never needed forgiveness?  I gotta tell ya, I know I need it.  A lot.  I know I have screwed up in some major ways in the past. 

The truth is I love him.  And he loves me.  And that means we have to learn from our mistakes and forgive each other.  When I look upon my life, there is really no one else I want beside me.  He is going to screw up and make mistakes.  Some bigger than others.  But then again, so am I.  We have to love each other in spite of our faults and screw ups.  We have to learn from what we can and move forward, together.  And that's what I want to do.  He's my best friend.  I can't imagine my life without him (or some of those faults that drive me crazy).  He's a part of me.  He is worthy of forgiveness because I love him.  I know there have been times I have needed his forgiveness.  And let's face it, we both know there will be more.  That's life.  So we are moving forward from here.  Slowly, but together.  And that makes me happy.  =)

As far as the path we took that didn't work out goes, I'm glad we did it.  Yes it hurt that it didn't work out.  But the experience opened both our eyes up to new possibilities.  And it also stretched us and was yet another round of learning to deal with disappointment.  And I know that we can take the next narrow path that comes our way together and not have the fear that if it doesn't work out we will fall apart.  We have leaned on each other and helped each other through this disappointment.  That was good.  And it was good for my marriage.  We may not understand why things happen as they do, but we may not always need to (as much as we want to).  This experience helped us build character and strength in our marriage.  Isn't that worth it?

Ok, so life has been a bit rough lately.  And ... yeah.... we have had plenty of disappointments in the past two months.  But I need to learn from these experiences.  I need to try to find some good in every situation.  It's okay that life knocks us down sometimes, as long as we learn from it.  Then we get back up and go again.  And that's what I'm trying to do here.  I'm not saying that life isn't going to crap me out again.  I'm sure it will.  But I want to be better prepared the next time.  I want to be able to move past it with more grace, and forward more quickly than this round.   And maybe one day, with enough practice (geesh, that does NOT sound fun), I won't get knocked down.  Maybe one day I'll be able stand through what life has to throw at me.  And perhaps even throw a great punch back at life, and win.  Who knows!? 

Until then, I will have to continue learning and growing.  And it may not always feel good or be fun, it may down right hurt, but that is life.  Isn't it?   It's like marriage.  You take the good and the bad.  Learn from it all.  And then keep going.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

A two post kind of day

So, earlier today we got some unfortunate news.  And yes, it knocked me for a loop.  I gotta tell ya, I'm learning something about myself, and I'm not real sure if I like it.

I don't deal well with disappointment.  Especially when life seems to throw it at me over and over and over again.  It would seem as if I feel every damn hurt and sting deeply for a time period.  Whether it's a few hours, a few days, or God forbid a few weeks....  I feel it and I feel it deep.  That sucks.  I do get knocked down.  Hard. But after whatever time period I guess my mind and my heart deem it necessary to wallow in defeat, I seem to find my gumption again.  

Today I was knocked down.  I spent the afternoon asking the normal questions:

Why?  Why us?  Why did this happen?  What could we have done differently? And so on and so forth.  But then I always come back to this question:

If I had the answers, what would it change?  The truth is no matter how awful something is (or we perceive it to be), it is what it is.  We can't change it.  What matters now is how we deal with it.  It's like that saying:

"It is what it is, but it will become what you make it."

I don't know if me falling apart for a period is a good thing or a bad.  But I do know it's my way of starting to deal with things.  I get it all out, however long it takes.  Then I am able to move on.  And that's where I am at tonight.

The road less traveled in this case had a dead end.  So we're back to the road we know all too well (and hate and loathe and despise).  But we know it, this path.  And until we are called once again to try yet another path, we will stay on this one and do all we can to kick it's butt and not have it kick ours.

The time for wallowing is over.  Does it suck?  Yup.  Still sucks.  But it's time to put on my big girl panties and move on.  So what if it is not the direction we were hoping to head in.  I have to trust that somewhere down that road was something that wasn't pretty, even uglier than this, and it wouldn't have been good for us.  This, this we know how to do.  We've done disappointment before.  We know to lean on each other and our faith.  And we are.  Perhaps with all we have going on personally, another change wasn't good for us at this time.  I still believe with all my heart that a big change is still needed and I still hope it's on the way.  But timing is everything, right?  And I want it when the time is right.

So, here we ago again.  But at least we have each other.  I have to tell you, things in my marriage may not be all sunshine and roses right now, but that's okay.  I know there is no one I really want beside when things get rough. And that says it all, doesn't it?

So tomorrow is a new day.  We'll tackle it together, and work through our bump and detour as a team.  Life isn't always going to to be good to us.  In fact, if I have learned anything it's that life is full of gloom and disappointment more than anything else at times.  But we can't let that color the way we see life all the time.  Give the hurts, the disappointments, the gloom, the bad and the ugly their moment.  Feel it, but don't wallow in it for too long.  Remember, there are days full of sunshine too.  Days where the flowers bloom bright.  We have to find a balance.  Best way to do that?

1.  Look for the silver linings on the gloomy days
2.  Stop to smell the roses and enjoy the sunshine when possible.  It will get you through the rough storms.
3.  Find someone or something to hold onto when the storms of life come your way.  A Rock.  I have learned I have many.  My family, my husband, and my Faith.
4.  And when all else fails, cry with the rain when needed, then go out and dance in it.  Own it.  Make it yours.  Splash in the puddles.  Because as the saying can't have rainbows with out the rain.

Monday, March 5, 2012


Life sucks.  REALLY SUCKS so far this year.  I don't understand.  I don't.

Why is this happening? 

I have been dealing with illness all year in some form or fashion.  I lost someone I loved greatly.  My marriage has taken a hit.  And now this last thing...  We kept praying in faith.  The doors never closed.  We kept taking each step one at a time and we got to the last step of a long journey to have the door shut in our faces.  It really seemed like an answer to so many years of so many prayers.  And to get to the end and have the rug pulled out from under us....  Why?  What was the point of all of this?  Why do we have to hurt again?  And so soon!  I find this cruel, very cruel.

I know all things work together for the good of those who believe, but where is the good in all of this?  I don't want to wait and see.  Then again, who am I to question You?  I want answers and understanding though.  I'm sorry.  But I do.  I'm hurting.  I'm hurting so bad.  I just don't know how much more I can take.  And  I need You to fix this.  Please, fix this.

This seems all too familiar.  The build up and disappointment.  We did this song and dance last year.  I really didn't plan to do it again.  I don't want to do it again.

I'm angry.  I'm really angry.  I'm disappointed.  I hurt.  I'm confused.  I just don't understand.  And I know, Lord, I KNOW you know what you are doing.  I know you see the end outcome.  It would help if we could.

I don't know what your plans are for us anymore.  And to be quite honest, I'm starting to doubt whether or not they are good.  Maybe I just screwed up too much to have anything turn out good anymore.  Maybe this is my penance.

Father, I'm hurting physically and emotionally.  I need you to help me.  I need you to fix this.  Please. Help me understand.  I don't need every answer, just something that makes some kind of sense would be nice.

I'm struggling with faith right now.  I really am.  A part of me knows better.  But the part of me that hurts wants to lash out and put up walls.  I'm struggling not to do that.  Please help me.  Please renew and restore my faith, for right now it's weak (not gone but weak).  I feel weak all over.  I just don't know how much more disappointment and heartache I can take this year.  It's an awful lot to bare in such a short time.

I'm scared.  I'm scared of what the future holds.  I'm scared to trust in You right now for fear we will get hurt again.  I'm so tired of hurting.  Help us through this please.   And give me strength.  I need it.

Please forgive me for lashing out in my pain.  I'm sorry.  Please help us.

In Jesus' Name,

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Tornados last night

We had some HORRIBLE storms come through the area last night.  HORRIBLE!!  The same front had sparked killer tornadoes all throughout the east before hitting here.  One of my biggest fears is tornadoes. 

I woke up when the first storm hit.  I have never in my life seen lightening as crazy as that.  Ever.  The wind had the rain going sideways.  And I felt something I have never felt before, fear. 

I have lived through a lot.  I have lived abusive situations, I have lived through scary car wrecks,  and I lived through really difficult births.  I have even had a 2 month old in the hospital with a fever of almost 105 (104.7).  But this fear was different from all of those. I'm not sure I can explain it.  It was fear deep down to the core of you.  I just know I'll never forget it.  Ever.  (this wasn't to discount any of the other experiences, but this fear was just different.  Very different)

My husband went and checked on the kids and got our phones (so we could track the storms on radar).  I began praying before he even woke up.  I prayed for the safety of all our loved ones.  I was praying in fear and faith.  I prayed until the storm passed without ceasing.  Several more storms hit, and I prayed through those as well.   It was a long night to say the least.

I wake up this morning and my Mother-In-Law (MIL) contacts me.  She was woken up in the middle of the night too, but not by storms, per say.  She says the Lord woke her up and told her pray.  (we all live in the same area).  So she did.

Guess what?  A tornado came through last night.  It just missed my husband's aunt's house not far from us (10 minute drive by car maybe, a whole lot less by the crow flies).  It's been a very surreal morning, that is for sure.  Today I am so thankful for answered prayers.  Everyone we know and love is safe.  And amazingly enough, the news is only reporting 3 injuries at this time.  No fatalities. 

Here are some photos from it all:

I am so thankful I was awake and felt the burden to pray.  This just hit a little to close to home for my liking.  I do believe in prayer.  And mine, and my MIL's were answered.  And from looking at some of the is damage, if only 3 people were hurt, and no one killed, I'd say that is a miracle in itself. 

Thank you God for answered prayers.  Thank you for keeping us all safe.

Friday, March 2, 2012


I know it's only been 2 weeks. But I love you. I miss you, Granddad. I'm glad you are where you are. And one day, one day I'll see you again. ♥

Thursday, March 1, 2012

It's Time for a Change.

Ever have so many thoughts going through your head at one time, you know you need to sort them, but have no idea where to start?  Well, that's me right now.  So let me apologize now if this post goes a little hay wire and doesn't seem to flow like it should.  I'm sorry.

Life has been all kinds of crazy lately for sure.  And before the proverbial "crap" hit the fan, we were faced with a choice.  Life as we knew it?  Or a path not taken?  We chose the path not taken.

It was not a choice we came to lightly.  We talked, a lot.  We talked about benefits and possible consequences.  We talked about the changes it would mean for our family.  We sought out wise counsel.  We prayed.  A lot!  And in the end, we came to the same conclusion.

It's not been easy.  We have taken each step on this new path in prayer, "Lord, we believe this to be Your will for us.  If it's not, close the door.".  So far, so good.  But fear...oh that knocking at the door of my thinking lately.

We know it's time for change.  A big change.  And, like is normal with life, change is scary.  No matter how good the perceived change may be, it's still change.  It's still different.  That makes it scary.  The unknown always comes with fear.  Unless, that is, you choose to walk in faith.

That is where we are right now.  That is where I am.  I am trying to stay in faith.

We found out some things lately that just had our head spinning and just seemed to really solidify for us that we needed to choose a new path.  That is comforting.  But then, then you really start to want it.  You really start wanting what you think this new path has in store for you.  You get fixated on it.  You make it a desire of your heart.  You long for it, even.  And as soon as you do that, fear starts knocking.

What if?

What if this isn't meant to be?
What if we got our hearts set on something that just is not meant for us?
What if we get hurt?

Ah...there it is, that last one:  What if we get hurt?

I have been in prayer a lot lately.  It's not easy to say "Lord, you now how bad we want this, but if it is not what's best, please shut the door".  Especially when you realize how badly you want it.  Especially when you are already a good ways down that new path.  Because, what if it was all about taking that leap of faith?  What if it was all about divine appointments that would have never been made had we not started down the new path?  And now it's time to turn around and head back?  How would that feel?

OUCH!  That's how that would feel.  It would hurt.  A lot.  We'd be glad for the good that did come out of it, don't get me wrong!  But it would be hard to know that we had to go back to what wasn't working.  Especially when we are both so ready for something that will work.  It would be hard to go back to the drawing board, and start again.  We don't have a lot of energy left in us right now to do that over and over again. 

Oh those little seeds of doubt and fear.  They suck the life out of you if you let them.  I have fed them some, no doubt.  I wanted to deal with them.  They are still there, knocking.  I won't lie.  But the knock is softer now, not so much of a hard banging anymore.  =)

I now that all things work together for the good of those that Believe.  I know we've prayed about this.  I have to let go.  I have to trust that God knows what's best, no matter what I think it may be.  I have to trust that He will take care of us.  I have done this before.  I did this when we built the house.  I can do this now.  Right?

If everything turns out the way we think it will, the way we hope it will, it will ALL have been worth it.  ALL OF IT!!  (and one day I'll be able to expand on that more)   I have to trust in His timing.  I think this is it.  My husband and I are both on the same page (which is rare when it comes to big changes).  We seemed to get confirmations.  Our hearts our invested.  The door hasn't shut yet (although it does seem to be shutting where we need it too, which is yet another confirmation).  This seems to be the answer to years of so many prayers.  (yes, I said years).

I don't know how a God I love would choose to bring us this far, put us through so much, be pushing us out of one area and have us agree on it, and then take this all away; just to pull it all out from underneath us.  I don't.  So I am choosing to stand on faith here.  I'm choosing to believe with all I have that this new path we are on is the right one.  And I choose to believe there will be no U-Turns for us.  I choose to believe that there is a happy ending in all this.  And I will continue to believe all this, unless God does shut the door.  And if that be the case, I will have to trust that His ways are right and good and just.  I will have to trust that He knows what's best.

No matter what, no matter if this is our path or if this was just a way to see if we were willing to take a new path, I know we are in the right hands.  And if this is all just some big test, meant to help a few others out along the way, so be it.  If this isn't our path, I pray that the Lord make the path we are to take known.  And no offense Lord, but the sooner the better.   ;-)

We feel it's time for change.  I keep going back to something I wrote down in my journal back in January.  I wrote the word "Promises" down.  I kept seeing that word in the spirit when I thought on this year and asked about this year.  I kept feeling like that was the word He kept whispering in my ear.  I wasn't exactly sure what that meant, but I have an idea.  And I hope I'm right.  Only time will tell.  And right now, one thing I do know is, it's time for a change.  Whatever change that may be.