Monday, August 7, 2017

A Letter to "You" :

Dear You,

All my worst fears have come true.   We have tried to save this so many times.  But it never sticks.  So when this ends, I don't think it will be a surprise to you.  Although I am sure to you, it will be all my fault.

A marriage cannot survive when only one person tries.  You were never willing to put forth any effort unless I did so first.  And when work and games got in the way, and I felt neglected, I no longer felt like trying.  So you would just give up too, instead of fighting for us.  I was never worth your effort. 

I have lived through you screaming at me, cornering me, throwing furniture, that one New Year's Eve where I was lucky to wake up, lucky to have lived.  Between you and Chris E. from my past, I no longer can stand anyone putting anything around my neck.  I do try and wear necklaces, but it's so very hard now.  And most recently, when I was pushed to the ground and into a parked car, for trying to help you, I think that was it for me. 

I am not blameless.  Our fights only escalated over the years.  But I can no longer be the only one willing to try or put in effort first.  I can no longer live with the constant fighting and immaturity level.  And yes, I fight back now.   Which only makes you dislike me even more.  I don't just take it and cry.  I will never cry again.  Not because of you.  And I haven't cried because of you in a very long time.  I will no longer be made to feel like I am worthless unless I am wanted for sex. 

I will no longer stand for you emotional blackmail when arguments are not going your way and you can't handle the truth in front of you.  I am tired of you saying you will kill yourself when you just can't handle the truth.  I don't feel bad when you say that.  All it does is piss me off, because I let it make me feel bad for far to long.  It's just something you say to emotionally manipulate me and the situation.  Which is why the last time you "threatened" it, I told you to go ahead and do it.  I called your bluff.

I will no longer be subject all your broken promises and things you said you will do, but never do.  You are not now, nor have you ever been dependable or a man of your word.

This is not the life I wanted.  I wanted a husband who put me and our family first.  Not just financially, but in all areas.  All you could see were the dollar signs, as long as you were providing money, you figured you were doing your job.  There is more to being a husband and father than making money.

Don't get me wrong, we were grateful!  And still are and always will be.  Your sacrifice allowed the kids and me to have a good life outside of you.  But you weren't there emotionally.  You came home and checked out on to your computer or work.  You never made any family plans.  You never put us first except financially.

Is it any wonder that I fell out of love?  And as the years past, you did too.  But honestly, I don't think you were ever in love.

Did we make a mistake all those years ago getting married?  No.  I wouldn't trade our children in for anything.  Did we make a mistake staying together for so long?  I don't know.

I know you know this thing is on it's way out.  And I know you don't care.  If you did, you'd be trying.  But you aren't.  You are just wanting the misery to end and be over with, same as me.

I thought we were staying together for the kids.  That's what we both tell ourselves.  But are we really doing them any favors?  Maybe we are.  They have a good home, great schools, and lack for nothing.  So, we both do our best to pretend.

I am exhausted and tired of pretending.  I am tired of trying.  I am tired of having to be the first one to try, when I feel in my heart it should be you trying.  You trying to show me you do love and care for me outside of being the mother of your kids, or wanting to have sex.  But you could never do that.  Ever.  In almost 20 years of marriage.

My 40th birthday is coming up.  And the biggest present I can give myself is the truth, to face it head on and quit pretending anything is ever going to change or get better.  It never does. 

I think we both know this is over.  It's only a matter of time.

I wish you no ill will.  You have been a big part of my life for almost half of it.  I hope when the final nail is put in this marriage's coffin, we can walk away friends.  For the sake of our kids, for the sake of all we have been through together.  I will always love you, as you are the father of my children.  But don't we both deserve some happiness before it's too late?

I just can't do this much longer.  And neither can you.  Let's stop pretending and be honest with each other.  We owe ourselves and our family that much.