Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Updates and Randomness

For those of you who read this pretty regularly, I am sorry if I left anyone hanging or worrying.  I have had a lot going on.

Quick recap:

6 weeks ago my kids got sick and so did I.
4 weeks ago my little girl got sick again and was put in the hospital
2 weeks ago my grandfather died
This week, my kids have the flu.

And yes, my husband and I had some choices and stress before all this hit.  And afterwards, things took a dramatic turn for... well, not the better.  So life has been a bit stressful to say the very least.

This past Friday was very hard on me.  I started facing things head on.  Starting with my grief.  I'm not done grieving.  But at least I'm not running from it now.  Or burying it.  And I'm okay. 

I have had my hands full of sick kids lately.  And as stressful as that is on me, I can only imagine what it's been like for them.  I pray this flu is the final round of illness for my household for a very, very long time to come.  But I must say, I am proud of my kids.  They are handling this all better than I could have asked for.  They are good kids.  And I can't wait for them to be healthy again.  I can't wait to play!  lol

My middle girl has the flu and is asthmatic (she's 6).  She's been doing so well.  But she literally just came and told me her chest hurts.  Crap.  She's taking her nebulizer treatments (and is taking one now as I write this).  I'm going to have to watch her carefully.  Her fever has done well today.  If it spikes at all again, I may take her for x-rays, just in case.  She just got out of the hospital, I don't need her going back in.

So other than this, things have been ... okay.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching on my marriage lately.  A LOT.  I know I haven't given details (except to say he has not beaten me, belittled me, or cheated on me; and that he is a good man), and that's for a good reason.  I'm not going to go into detail either.  Just know that sometimes, we get hurt in marriage.  Sometimes you don't have to beat, or do drugs, or cheat to cut the one you love to core.   There are other ways to feel betrayed or lose trust in someone.

Have you ever sat down and really took stock of your life?  Where you have been, and where you'd like to be going?  Have you ever really thought what it would be like to live life without your spouse by your side?  Needless to say (with all the events in my life right now) I have.

I'm not sure I know how to move past a deep breach in trust.  But I do know I want to try.  I know my life was forever changed when my husband came into my life.  I know he's a good man.  I know that I love him.  I owe it him, to my kids, to my marriage, and to myself to try work all this out.  And it's what we're trying to do.  I'm sure we'll have our struggles with it.  (Okay, I'm sure I'll have my struggles with it and he'll have his struggles with me. lol  How's that for honestly?) 

I knew a few weeks ago, when my Grandfathered died and everything "hit the fan", that I was way too emotional to make any major decisions about anything (marriage or other wise).  And not wanting to deal with anything because I was feeling so overwhelmed was only  making everything worse.  Often in life, the only way to overcome it, is to go through it.  Not hide from it or dodge it. 

If you have followed me at all, you know I have a passion for music.  It helps me.  It can often put into words what I feel better than I know how too.  Below are the lyrics to a song by Superchick (older song.  You can look it up on youtube later if you are interested in how it sounds).  I think it personifies how I've been feeling:

"Stand In The Rain"

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from, wants to give up and lie down.

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

*I bolded the sentence that kinda stuck out to me while typing this blog

So here I am, going through it all.  You know that saying, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"?  I think maybe, perhaps, that's where I am at.  It's definitely a trying time right now.  But what if all this trial is for some kind of greater purpose?  Then, in my opinion, (in a way) that would also make this the best of times.  Because, in the end, I'm willing to endure just about anything, if it means a change for the better or something better in store down the road.  If I look back a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years from now even, and can see that all this changed my life for better, then I'll be able to say it was all worth it.

Maybe in life, we make the mistake of acting out of our pain too often, instead of waiting and really weighing things out.  Maybe we've become such an instant gratification society, that when things aren't going as planned, we are too quick to jump ship instead of staying and putting in the effort and work to make it work out.  Maybe.

This is the only life I am given to live.  I want to make the most of it.  I don't want to curl up and let it get the best of me.  I don't want to look back over my life and regret a thing.  And I know I'll never regret going though a hard time, and coming out the other side stronger.  We may not want to go through tough trials in life, but they are going to come.  We don't have a choice about that.  What we do have a choice about is how we handle the hard times.  Will we stand through the storm or let it beat us down?

I choose to stand.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

A break in the clouds (and some ramblings about strange dreams)

*Warning:  If you are not a Christian or have not enough knowledge of the Christian faith, you will probably think I'm completely off my rocker by the end of this.  But don't say I haven't warned you.  Try and keep an opened mind.  And...well... GL! Oh, and no worries, this is not a teaching on the faith.  It is rambling of my dreams.

Yesterday morning I woke up and remembered 2 dreams I had.

The first was fairly odd indeed.  I dreamed that my children's bus for school so late coming to get them, that they almost decided to come home and have their daddy drive them.

Back Story:  My husband gets the kids ready in the morning and the bus stop is one house away.  Literally.  We watch them from the house walk up.  I usually have very little to do with it.  I get to sleep til 8 a.m.  My hubby rocks like that!  With his work schedule, it's some of the only time he gets with the kids.  So it's a win/win for everybody!

Ok, I digress.  Back to the story.  The other dream I had was just a snippet I could remember.  My husband was placing the most amazing ring on finger.  Diamonds, but not too ornate.  Simple, elegant, beautiful.

I came down stairs contemplating both of my dreams.  My DH (Darling Husband for new readers) asked me how I had slept.  I was perplexed.  I told him I had some odd dreams and then asked him about the bus.  Guess what?  My dreams was spot on.  The bus was very late that morning.  Crazy huh?  He considered having them come home but then it finally showed up.  That took me surprise.  How could such a simple, seemingly meaningless dream, been at all accurate?  And more importantly, what did that mean about the 2nd dream?

I'm not sure I have all the answers.  Maybe it's all just some weird coincidence.  But  what if the purpose of the 1st dream was to show me something about the 2nd?  What if the 2nd dream was telling my my marriage would be restored?  Beautiful even?  I'm still chewing on all this.

Then last night was ... I think I came close to hitting bottom.  It was a rough rough night.  But I started dealing with things.  Slowly.  I started dealing with missing my Granddad.  I started dealing (on some small level) with the rift that has happened with in my marriage.  I went to bed totally exhausted, emotionally and mentally.

When I awoke this morning, I was shaking.  Literally shaking.  I remembered my dream again this morning.  It was a different dream.  One that scared me in some ways.  I will try my best to re-tell it, but please remember, as dreams often do, it jumps around a little.

I was a character in a story.  I was surrounded by "loved ones".  Not sure I really knew any of them.  But it was something out of a Tim Burton movie.  Everything was dark and gray and cloudy and eerie.  We all looked like what you would imagine his characters to look like.  We were all dark and weird.  We all had "masters".  There was this one girl, a bride.  And evil looking bride.  She kept looking for her right suitor or husband.   And she kept eyeing anyone I came in contact with.  And she devoured them.  Wanting them for herself and loving the fact she thought she was causing me pain.  She fed off destruction.

But then, I had an unseen suitor.  Whenever he was around my eye would glow red, or something around me that had eyes, it's eyes would glow red.  I can't remember what I called him.  I think his name was "unseen".  And the bride was very intrigued as to why eyes would go red. It consumed her.  And then I made the mistake of saying he was on the way to where I was, Unseen was coming.  And when the suitor bride was so jealous that he had chosen me.  When he called, I was to obey.  I had to do what he said.  He was my pursuing me.  To be my master and mate.  (I know...weird right?)  He was the most powerful of all suitors.  He frightened me.  And I knew better than to anger him.  It would be disastrous.   But, that crazy bride wanted him.  Why not let her have him?  I didn't want him.  Never did.

So I ran.  He chased after me.  The evil bride chased him.  Then the dream skips.

I was in a house with my entire side family (husband, kids, sisters and their families, aunts, mom, grandmother...everyone).  We were on the 2nd story of this house.  And a horrible storm was brewing up outside.  HORRIBLE!!  I don't know if it was the "unseen" and the evil bride who made this storm, or if this was a totally different dream.

The clouds were incredibly dark and swirling.  The wind was going in all different directions and taking the clouds with them.  It was doing incredible things to the clouds.  Rain was slamming onto the side of house.  Lightening and thunder surrounded us.  Tornadoes were in the distance.   They surrounded us. Everyone inside the house, but me, was calm.  I kept running from window to window keeping an eye on the storm.  And as conditions changed, I was making a plan.  Where were all going to go should a tornado hit us?  From where would it hit?  What were our best options?  We needed to make it downstairs!  But do to the storm, for some reason, we couldn't.  We were trapped on the 2nd floor of this home.  Everyone kept telling me it was going to be okay.  But looking out those windows, I don't know how they could say that.

Just then, the clouds and wind and storm did something I can't quite explain.  The all culminated into this massive wind tunnel.  A massive super tornado.  And here it was, heading right towards us.  If it hit us....  I ran down the hall and opened a door to what I thought was downstairs to check to see if we could get down there now.  The wind was fierce.  The answer was no.  We couldn't leave the floor.  But I took a deep breath of the wind, and then shut the door.  I felt re-energized.  I walked back to the window and watched just as the storm was about to hit the corner of the house.  The corner everyone was in.  And just then, it happened.

The clouds broke.  The sun came shining through.  Everything dissipated.  It was beautiful out.  And my family never flinched.  And after I took that breath of air in, well, it affected me.  I was calm.

I woke up shaking.  First evil things, then my biggest fear, tornadoes.  The whole dream (or dreams, still not sure if it was one or two), had me wondering.  I sat down to have my coffee and pondered this dream(s).  And that's when I heard it, "A break in the clouds".

I feel like I have been in one hell of a terrible life storm lately.  It was beating me down.  It has me worried.  But what if....  What if this dream is to encourage me that I just to keep breathing Him in, and I'll see that break in the clouds?  What if it's just another reminder that it won't last forever?

Now the Tim Burton-Y stuff.....  I'm lost on.  I have a few thoughts.  What if the bride was Jezebel?  What if the Unseen one is the devil?  What if I'm in some sort of spiritual battle with the 2? 

What if this dream is showing me my spiritual battles right now and showing me that all I need to do is trust in Him, and it'll be okay?

Then again, it could all be because I ate before bed.  *shrugs*

You never know with dreams......


*notes on Jezebel

In the Bible, Jezebel was a powerful, wicked queen, and wife of a passive king called Ahab. She was a false prophetess who worshiped the false god, Baal. Baal was the god of prosperity, god of the harvests, god of fertility and sex. (Does this sound like some of the modern day gospels that some people preach?)
Child sacrifices were common. She was killed by several eunuchs at the order of commander Jehu.   Some say she was witch.

There is Spirit of Jezebel is still around.  It is hard to explain.  But it's about control.  It's about deception.  It's false doctrines.  It's about distorting things.  It's about power.  It's lust, sexual and non-sexual (as in lust for money, ect.)    It's carries with it a lack of humility and a sense of pompousness.  It's all about destroying that which is true and good.  It's manipulation.  Huh.  The more I think about it, maybe she is the perfect bride for Satan. Kinda the female version.  Kinda.  It's a very powerful spirit.  It's along study.  But I tried to sum it up the best I could to give you some kind of idea of what in the world I was talking about.
Like I said...maybe there is a point to all these seemingly crazy dreams.  Or maybe not.  Time will tell.  I do know I have peace today.  I know that I do believe a break in the clouds is coming for me.  And that gives me hope and happiness. 

Friday, February 24, 2012

The Hurt & The Healer

"The Hurt & The Healer"

The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all the scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

It's been a week...

It's been a week today (okay, tonight it'll be a week) since he left us.  I have questioned so much.  I'm holding on to the one thing that I know I have, my faith.  But today has been a struggle. Today has been so hard.

I should have.....  fill in the blanks.  I should have, could have, would have....so much.  And it hurts.  I want so much to hug him one last time.  Tell him how much I love him.  How much I have always loved him.  How much he will always mean to me.  How important he was to my kids and husband too.

Today hurts.  I hurt.  This hurts.  I hate this.  Another important man in my life, gone.  Oh God...this hurts.  And now...with everything else going on....  I don't know how much more losing of the men I love I can take.

Tonight is not going to be a good night. It hasn't been a good day.   I bought some bubbly.  I'm going to do my best to celebrate him.  But if I'm being honest, I think a part of me will be drowning my pain as well.  Right.  Wrong.  I don't care.  We each cope in our ways.  I've had hard time with all of this.  But I'm doing it, one day at a time.  I think I'm allowed to fall apart tonight if I need it.  It's grief.  We all handle it differently.  And I'm just being honest.

I know I'm going to be okay.  I KNOW it.  It's just getting there that's hard.  I'm not going to roll over and give up.  I'm going to be okay.  But I have refused to try and deal with this.  And I think I owe it him and me and my family to start.  And tonight is as good a time as any.

I can't believe a week has passed.  I can't believe he has passed.  I can't believe a lot of things about all of this.  I feel alone in this.  I know I'm not, I do.  But I feel that way.

I hoping that tomorrow will be a much better day.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Broken - Lifehouse (with lyrics)

I found this by accident tonight while surging YouTube. It's perfect. Not just for me. I know a lot of people going through a lot of different things. Some have lost a loved one, some have marital issues, some lost a child, one's lost a spouse and has young kids, job loss..... I just wanted to share. In case anyone who reads this ... well, in case it speaks to your heart too.

(psst...btw...I know some of you follow this through other blogs. Thank you. I appreciate it. Never be afraid to comment or follow. Just know you are appreciated.)

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In Your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to You

The broken locks were a warning You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see Your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In Your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to You

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what You throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words You say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In Your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to You

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to You

What If.....

This song came on the radio on the way to the store today (I know it's been posted before). I love it when I get gentle reminders like this.

His healing came through our tears. We prayed for mercy and got it. And now he is pain free and we are still crying. "The pain reminds this heart, that this is not, this is not our home." I needed that reminder. This life is going to hurt. We are going to lose ones we love. We are going to face trials and tribulations (if you read the bible, you know that Jesus promised we would). It's good to know that it's time like these, we still have Him to comfort us.

My grandfather's death did more than just leave a void in my life. It brought up old wounds and opened the door to ones. So maybe this is a blessing in disguise in more ways than one. It is forcing me to deal with things I did not want to deal with, or wasn't done dealing with. My Granddad had a fear. He feared his passing might leave a hole. But I think instead, he's going to get his heart's desire. I think, in the end, his death is going to bring us all even closer.(we're all pretty close now)   We have to deal with some things. Each of us has our own hurdles. But what if....

What if my Mom and sister's get a better relationship with their mom out of this? (it's not bad at all! But what if it gets even better?)
What if my relationship with my mom gets better? (again, nothing wrong there...just better)
What if I am able to become even closer to my aunts and cousins and other family through this?
What if my marriage (in case you haven't guessed, has taken a direct hit) comes out stronger on the other side of this?

I'm already learning a lot about love and forgiveness. Please don't get me wrong. I still have a lot more to learn. And I have a feeling I'm only just beginning to scratch the surface of this. But, I'm not sure these are lessons I would ever have learned any other way.

I keep a journal. Every night before bed, I write in it. I documents my life and my prayers. It's my open communication with the Lord. If you think I share too much here, you should see the journal. lol Yet another perk of the journal, it allows me to go into more details and not have the world know it. I don't mind. I would love to share all my deepest things here, but others might mind. And I have to be respectful of them. Anyway, as the Lord is revealing things to me about love and forgiveness, I see amazing things happening daily. For example:

With all my grieving (or lack there of, depending how you see it), I was hurt tremendously by my husband during a course of events following my Grandfather's death. (please know, my husband is a good man. Kind. Caring. Honorable. Faithful. Generous. Smart. Loving. This is in no way meant to slander him. He is amazing.  He did not beat me or cheat or anything major like that.  He's a good man.) Things were done, though, that can never be undone (again, awesome man! I promise). And I'm having a hard time dealing with this on top of everything else. And every night since, I have written in my journal about this. I have written how I feel, how I hurt, how I am at loss at what to do. I write my prayers for help and what I think I need in order to heal, and give it all over to Him. It is all very heartfelt, very real, very deep, very honest, very painful. But every day, I am learning more about me, my heart, and this love and forgiveness thing. And every morning, the Lord has answered a prayer. There is some change or something said or done that is in direct correlation to my prayers. I have never in my life seen answer to prayer so fast. Ever. It usually more of a "hurry up and wait and trust" kind of thing. But I am blown away right now by His faithfulness. I am learning so much about myself, about my marriage, about life, and yes (as mentioned before) love and forgiveness. And as I also already stated, I'm just scratching the surface. I still have much to learn. But, again...What if?

What if my husband is right? What if everything does happen for a reason?
What if the reason is just stupidity? Or bad choices due to extreme circumstances? What then? Well, doesn't scripture say that He will work all things for the good of those that love Him? And if I believe that, then no matter if was meant to be, or just bad choices, why can't I believe that Lord has a plan and can turn this around for good? I just need to trust and follow Him. And that's what I'm trying to do. God knows I can't do this on my own. I don't have the answers. And I'd just screw it all up anyway. I have to believe that my marriage is going through this for a reason. And in the end, we'll be stronger than ever. We've come through so much already.

So "what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise"

What if ... a year from now, we are all happy? What if this forces us to face demons we haven't wanted to or even knew existed?

A great man is gone. But we didn't lose him. We gained him for eternity. (Thank you to the wonderful woman in my life that brought this perspective to me). I have to hold on to this. We all do. And I have to trust, through all this, the Lord has a plan for our family, as a whole, and individually.

I loved this song once for it all meant during a different period of my life. And now I have new appreciation for it. I think, maybe, I'm not the only one.

Laura Story - “Blessings” Lyrics

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Found It!!

At first I forgot I ever had it.  Then I just thought I lost it.  But I think I found it today!  And I'm so happy!  I don't know what I'd ever do with out it.  It's gotten me through so much in life. 

The last time I lost it, I found it with my kids.  This time, I found with some other loved ones, in their caring words and thought and concerns.  (and okay...maybe some with my kids too) 

What is it I lost and found?  My gumption!  My will to survive and come out stronger in the end.  My will not to let life and all it's problems beat me down.

I'm tired of being in this place of.... What is it?  Mopiness?(is that how it's even spelled?)  Crankiness?  Sadness?  Sorrow?  Confusion?  Anger?  Guilt?  Doubt? I'm not sure there is a right word or combination of words for it.  But I'm sick of it.  And I'm sure those who love me are sick of it too.

Do I have all the answers yet?  Nope.  Not in the least.  But I don't have to have them.  I just have to be willing to fight through this mountain of crap being thrown at me.  And I don't have to be strong enough to do it all at once either.  One thing at a time.

The first thing on my agenda is really dealing with my Grandfather's death.  I don't want too.  I'm sure as hell not looking forward to it.  But I need to do it.  Maybe I'll do it this weekend.  A nice bottle of wine...maybe even with some others I know are struggling.  We'll see.  But somehow, someway, I need to find closure.  I think not having a formal funeral is really screwing me up.  But I do have to find a healthy way to deal with this, because he wouldn't want me to be the mess I have become.  That's for certain.

After that, I can deal with certain things that surrounded and followed his death, and have had direct influences on relationships in my life.  And then I can deal with those relationships.

That sounds like a nice little timeline to follow, right?  I'm not sure how long each section is going to last.  I'm not sure how to go about each section that needs dealt with.  But I am sure if I take each thing one at a time, and give it whatever time is needed, I can come out the other end stronger.

I'm sure I'm still going to have rough days.  I'm sure I'm going to cry, a lot.  But that's okay.  As long as every day isn't bad, I'm good.  As long as I let it out and not hold it in, I'm good.  I know it's going to take time, and that's okay.  As long as I give it however much time is needed.

I'm done rolling over, moping, trying not feel, and not being myself.  I'm tired of letting it all pile up on top of me (much like this mountain of socks I have been putting off matching.  I guess I know what I'm doing once I hit post).  I can do this, with support, one day at a time.  And I'm going too.  Period.  Because anything less is unacceptable. 

Relationships, Life, and Roller Coasters.

I have had some talks lately with several dear friends.  Why is it relationships seem to have either a high or low, but really not much of middle a ground.  We're either happy or we're not.  *sigh*  And then I have talked with some who have been single and never in a real committed relationship (lets say one that lasted longer than year).  And they seem to romanticize  relationships and marriage.  I worry for them.

Relationships are hard work.  It's that roller coaster ride of ups and downs.  And sometimes, just for giggles, life likes to throw in a loop-DE-loop.  And sometimes it offers the rides backwards.  It seems like maybe the two have a lot in common, relationships and roller coasters. 

Would you enjoy the ride of a roller coaster that just went flat.  No sharp turns, to hills, no tunnels in darkness, no loop-DE-loops?  Probably not.  Maybe relationships are the same way.  If it is all flat, smooth, easy; then  perhaps it's boring.  Maybe it's our up and downs that make it worth ride?  Maybe.

When life/relationships/roller coasters give you too much up and downs and turns at once, you start to feel sick and want off the ride.  But then it mellows out for a bit, long enough to get your barrings before the next wave hits.  And when the ride stops, it's over.

And yet, we go back time after time riding the same rides.  Why is that?  Is it the thrill it gives us? 

We all go through ups and downs in our relationships.  When does someone know it's time to get off the ride?  How do you know it's okay to stay on and go another round?  I think in life, relationships, and roller coasters, it differs from one person to another.  We each have our limits.  We have our own sets of beliefs.

I think the downs make the ups worth it.  Right?  Maybe that's the point.  Maybe.  Some rides make us sicker than others.  Yet, we still ride them.  They still do something for us.  Maybe it's when the ride ceases to do something for us, we get off.  Maybe, as long we still find things amusing about it, it's still worth the ride.  Maybe.

My roller coaster of life and relationships is definitely in the middle of twist and turns.  I don't think it takes much of genius to figure out I'm dealing with some things.  But I'm not ready to jump off this ride yet.  Not yet.  Sometimes, I guess, we're just too invested. ;-)

Monday, February 20, 2012


I'm sorry, but I need my place to just talk tonight.

These past 2 weeks have been really hard.  My husband and I are still dealing with those two roads.  We think we've picked one, but...  One step at a time, right?  I wish I could go into more detail, but I can't.

Then about 2 weeks ago, my Granddad fell and ended up in the hospital.  A few days later, he ended up in Hospice House.  The night he was admitted I started falling apart a little.  My poor husband was so worried about me.  He forced me to face the truth, I had not yet begun to face what lied ahead.  And I didn't want too.

Then my girl got sick.  She ended up in the ER and then with her very own admittance to the children's hospital where we live.  Classic symptoms of Appendicitis.  Several tests, some xrays, and ultra sound later... NO APPENDICITIS! Thank you God!  However, she was in pain and fevers over 103.  Just then it hit.  The feared stomach virus.  She was finally discharged in time for my eldest to get sick.  No hospital stay for her.  (Again, thank you God).  However, my middle girl (Superstar) still battled her fever all week.  Missed just about a whole week school.  She was finally able to go back on Friday (they both were).  Friday was a 1/2 day.  They were home for lunch.

After the kids being sick for weeks, then my Granddad's fall and what-not, then this last fiasco of illness we needed something normal again.  So off to my sisters we went for dinner.  It was great to just have some kind of normal back in our lives.

We had been to see my see my Grandfather a few times before Superstar got sick.  She could only handle it once.  She told him how much loved him and tried to make peace.  Friday she dropped the bomb that she wanted to see him again.  I told her I would work something out Saturday or Sunday.  Saturday was my niece's birthday party.  It would be tricky.   She never got the chance though.  Friday night the call came in a little after 10 (just after I posted my LET GO poem.  Literally).  My Grandfather has passed away.  The rest of that night was a train wreck for me.

Saturday I struggled very hard with my grief, stress, and getting ready for the party.  It was a rough day to say the least.  But the party was just what we needed.  The kids laughter made us all smile and feel a bit lighter.  Although I think both my sister and I did think of Granddad often during it.  He would have loved it.  It was planned around the kids and him.

Afterwards my entire family came together to cook a meal together.  It was nice.  Then we all gathered, prayed, talked, reminisced, read poems, toasted my Grandfather a few times, before ending in prayer again.  It was good.

But since Saturday, my struggle has not been a good one.  Wait, is there such a thing as a good struggle?

I am at a point where I am afraid to fully feel this loss.  I fight tears constantly.  So afraid that if they start, they won't stop.  This man meant so much to me.  More than anyone really realized I think.  He really was an amazing man.  And yes, I'm going to take this moment to brag on him.  The staff at hospice couldn't believe all the people that were constantly in to see him.  His wife, 4 daughters and their spouses, his Grandchildren and Great Grandchildren.  He had relationships with us all.  Good relationships.  Great ones.  That has to be testament to how wonderful a man he was.  Generous.  Kind.  Respectful.  Honest.  Funny.  Loving.  I could go on and on.  I'll spare you.  ;)

The truth is, I am afraid to cry that tear.  But I also know that if I don't allow the grieving process to hit, it isn't going to be pretty.  The last time I built walls to not feel pain, my husband picked me up off the ground outside my aunts house following the loss of my cousin.  So I'm stuck between knowing what I need to do, and afraid to travel this path once again.  If I grieve, it's real.  If I grieve, I may not stop.  I'm not sure I can handle the loss of another loved one.  I'm stuck between knowing what I need to do and being so afraid to do it.

On top of all this, and the thing we're still trying handle (the two roads), something else has crept up.  Something I am having a really hard time dealing with.

I swear, if I could, I would be renting car and driving to Florida for a few days.  I need time away from my life right now.  Time to face the things I am facing.  Time to work through it and come back more peaceful.  Come back ready to take life by the horns again.  Come back rested (Did I mention how I haven't slept more than a 4 hours a night since he passed?).  Come back having dealt with it all and able to be the Mommy, wife, sister and friend I know I am, and not this mess I have become.

However, the Florida plan (or any plan) is not going to happen.  There is no one to help with the kids.  There is no money for this kind of thing either.  So I am having to deal this here.  And maybe I'm just a big fat wimp.  But this is hard.  Really hard.   Death is hard.  Change is hard.  Sick kids are hard.  Forks in the road are hard.  And this other thing is really freaking hard.   And yes, there are days when being a mom is hard.  (but I still love them)  And before you judge, lets just say, until you have walked a mile in my shoes....

I'm struggling.  A lot right now.  A whole lot.  But I think the fact that I know it, is a good thing in a way.  And the fact I know exactly where I stand & the struggles I'm facing, says I am self aware (to a point).  And I know some of those close to me are worried, but if I know all this, then I think (in the end) I'll be okay.  I just need to work through it.  Some how.  Some way.  It's going to take some time.  I am going to have to do that in my own way.  I can't promise I'm not going to break down, but I can promise that I am going to do my best not too.  That I know what lies ahead if I don't face some of things I fear.  And I promise I'm doing my best.  Promise. 

It's going to be okay.  This too shall pass.  And so on, and so forth.  I have survived many things in my life.  I will survive all this crashing in on me right now too.  I'm determined to (some how, some way).  I promise.

Friday, February 17, 2012

In Memeory...

He was born during the Great Depression.  He worked hard to help his family and saw the tides turn.

He lived to see this country fight many wars; WWII, Vietnam, Desert Storm, and the latest round we have fought in Iraq and Afghanistan to name a few.  He even served our country at a time.

He remembered the Kennedy Assassination and Watergate.

He saw the desegregation of schools and society.

He lived through several recessions and come backs.

He lived to see our first black/African American president.

Technology went from a phone, to TV's, to the broad spectrum we have today of color, flat screen TV's, smart phones, wireless internet,  ect.  He lived to see it all.

He came from one of the last generations that knew what honor and integrity were.  He came from a generation that knew hardships, and therefore, also knew how to count their blessings.  He came from a generation who did not have any sense of entitlement, but instead knew that to get anywhere or have anything in this life, you have to work hard for it.   And he passed this all on to his family.

He was a rich man, but not monetarily speaking.  No.  He was rich in his faith.  He was rich in tradition.  He was rich in family values.  He was rich in the sense that he was loved by many.  Respected.  Trusted.  Adored.  He had wisdom and laughter.  He had character.  He had integrity and generosity.  So yes, he was very rich man indeed.  Rich where it really counts.

He leaves a legacy of love.

Going on to live a life without him in it is almost unimaginable.  But it's something we must do.  Life will never again be the same.  We have a new reality once again.  But somewhere, amongst our pain and sorrow, is also relief.  Relief that this great man is no long in pain.

His legacy of love and family values lives on in us.  He leaves us memories.  He leaves us with love.

RIP James McGoye.   We'll see you again someday.    We love you.

It's okay....let go.

Why do you hold on so tight?
Why not go, head toward the light?
Is there still work left to do?
Is there still something here for you?

You know we love you and wish to see
that from all your pain you'd be set free.
A life without you is hard to face.
I'm praying for some kind of grace.

As we struggle with what is and what's to come.
A part of me right now is numb
Not wanting to face a future without you in it
But wanting the pain to be gone, I admit it.

Please know we love you, and always will
Your memory will be with us still
With each and every passing day
Our love for you is here to stay

We need not your body to love you so
It's okay to let go
We know we'll see you again someday
On the other side, be on your way

Where peace and happiness abound
Where family past can be found
Where your tears will be wiped away
And the joy found will be there to stay

And we'll see you again when our time is through
But for now, we have work to do
Just know when it feels right
It's okay to go towards the light

We love now and always will
Your passing can't change that, nothing will
This isn't goodbye, it's see you later
It's time to go and be with our creator

I love you Granddad, we all do
Thanks for being all that was you.
We'll take care of her, now worries there
You and her are in our prayers

See you soon, on the other side
May you be greeted with arms stretched wide
So when you feel it's time to go
it's okay,  to let go.

I love you Pop Pop.  

Important information for everyone.

So, this whole process with my Grandfather has taught me a few things. Things I want to share with you,

If you were born, you are going to die.  That's pretty much a given.  Have you discussed your final wishes with those you love yet?  Seriously?  I know it's a morbid topic no one really wants to have, but its a discussion that NEEDS to be had.

Do you want to be an organ donor?
Do you want your body to go to science?
Do you want to be buried or cremated?
Is there a particular place you want your remains to be placed?
Do you want a funeral, memorial service, wake, nothing, some other religious or personal ceremony?
How do you feel about living will?  Do you want to live like a vegetable?  Do you want to be given a chance to "come around"?  If so, how long should your loved ones wait before "pulling the plug"?
Do you have a will?
Do you have life insurance?
Do your loved ones know, without a shadow of doubt, if you have any final wishes, or who is to do what with what or get what?
Do you have young kids?  What arrangements are made for them?
How do you feel about nursing homes?
Would you rather, given the choice, die at home?  What circumstances, if any, would you allow that to be changed?`

I have to tell you, before going through this, there were some questions listed above I had not thought about.  Like having your body donated for a few weeks to science (for cancer or lupus or whatever), before getting your body back.
What about a final ceremony of some sort?  If you have wishes regarding this, make them known.
And what if you have a certain ...  anything... you really want a certain someone to have, or something special you want said or done?  Make it known!

This is not a conversation you should put off having.  You are NEVER guaranteed a tomorrow.  So don't assume that.  It's something we've learned the hard way.

I know this is not a fun conversation to have, but it's one that we all need to have with our spouses and loved ones.  Please consider making this conversation happen sooner, rather than later.  At least think about it.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I'm the parent, dammit! (A vent on Big Government)

So now there are all kinds of things circulating in the news, on the radio, online....   Our government thinks it has the right to dictate what we feed our kids.  I have news for them, THEY DON'T!  And as long as we parents sit on the sidelines passively, they are going to keep blurring their lines and boundries.

A friend said that she heard on the radio yesterday that:
the KINDERGARTNER had a turkey and cheese sandwich, banana, chips and apple juice for lunch. the federal agent took her lunch because there were no veggies. the little girl had to buy a school lunch of veggies and chicken nuggets and they sent her mom a bill for the lunch. the mom told the agent and the school that her daughter doesn't care for veggies and she would just throw them away at school so she has them with dinner so they can sit together and eat their veggies.  All because it didn't meet the new federal guidelines."

Now I have no idea if this is true or not.  I asked her to find a link and send it to me.  But it wouldn't surprise me.  Not in the least. (http://www.foxnews.com/us/2012/02/14/preschoolers-homemade-lunch-replaced-with-nuggets/

You know what Big Government (BG from here on out)?  If I want to feed my kids fries, I can.  That's MY RIGHT!!!  Not your right to take away.  If I want to pack them a banana instead of carrots, again, that's MY right.  BG, YOU are NOT the parent.  I am.  I decide what is best for my children, NOT YOU!!  You don't know if my kids are allergic to something.  You don't know what my kids like and don't like (and if you have ever had kids, you know they go through phases).

I just don't understand why in the hell our government thinks we as parents are going to sit back idly and watch them strip our rights away.  Oh wait... WE ARE DOING THAT!!


Take back our rights!!  Before it's too late.

I'm not saying that kids should always be given chips and soda.  Quite the contrary, actually.  But each family has a different set of standards for what is right and/or healthy for them.  Who is BG to step in and dictate that to us?  I think it's great we have doctors on tv, and the media, making us more aware by the day about how important it is to stay healthy.  I love that people care.  But I don't think it's our governments job to step in and tell families how to raise their kids.  Not like this.  It's a personal choice, for everyone.

I just don't understand why more parents aren't stepping up the plate here and saying enough is enough already.  You want to make recommendations, BG, fine.  Do that.  But do NOT go passing legislation about what I choose to either feed or not feed my child.  That, frankly, is none of your damn business. 

Quit blurring the lines of what is you are suppose to be, and allowed to be, doing.  Please put your energies into our budget, into health care, into education, into research for diseases such as Cancer, Alzheimer's, Lou Gehrig's, and countless other things that would better serve society; and stay out of my personal choices I make for my children.



the article I found link is above and here it is below:

Child's lunch makes Rush Limbaugh
By Catharin Shepard
Staff writer

A child attending pre-kindergarten at West Hoke Elementary last month ate school-provided chicken nuggets instead of her home-packed lunch, and now her story has made the Atlanta Constitution and the Rush Limbaugh Show.
The four-year-olds homemade lunch of a turkey and cheese sandwich, banana, potato chips and apple juice was supplemented with a school lunch tray including chicken nuggets when a state employee at the school deemed the childs lunch didnt meet state-mandated nutrition requirements.
The childs mother, who wished to remain anonymous out of concern for backlash against her child, reported receiving a bill for $1.25 for the school lunch. The child told her mother she ate only three chicken nuggets from the lunch tray and didnt touch her home-packed lunch, the mother reportedly informed state Rep. G.L. Pridgens office.
She couldnt understand that they tell her child her meals not any good and then they end up giving her chicken nuggets, Pridgen said Tuesday. The incident was very upsetting for the child, the representative said.
The larger issue behind what happened lies with state rules supposedly meant to promote nutrition for preschoolers. All lunches, even those brought from home, served in pre-kindergarten programs are supposed to contain milk, two or more fruits or vegetables, meat or meat alternative, bread or bread alternative, according to the state Division of Child Development and Early Education, a part of the Department of Health and Human Services.
The Division of Child Development and Early Education has been in charge of overseeing pre-kindergarten programs since July of 2011, when the N.C. General Assembly transferred the program—previously known as More at Four— to the divisions oversight. The policy about food from home is not new and parents receive written information about the pre-k meal regulations at the beginning of the school year, Hoke County Schools Superintendent Dr. Freddie Williamson said.
The divisions child care rule .0901 regarding food from home states that When children bring their own food for meals or snacks to the center, if the food does not meet the nutritional requirements outlined in the Meal Patterns for Children in Child Care, the center must provide additional food necessary to meet those requirements. Foods such as sweets, soft drinks, potato chips, candy, cakes, cookies and fruit juices that are not 100% real fruit juice are not considered to have any nutritional value.
The rule means that when one of the required items is missing from a home-packed lunch—for example, if a child doesnt have milk or a fruit or vegetable—then the school must provide that item to the child in addition to whatever food the child brought with them. The policy does not mean to take away a home-packed lunch so a child cannot eat it and thats not what should happen, Williamson said.
However, there was a problem with how the situation was handled here.
Clearly this was a communication issue, he said.
The person who inspected the lunch was a state employee with the Child Development Center, not a local school system employee, the superintendent said.

Waiting to see
Pridgen said the state worker might not have really looked closely at what the child brought for lunch before sending her off to the school lunch line.
My understanding is they saw the potato chips and the potato chips may have been on top, and thats all they looked at, he said.
The story spread quickly on news outlets and social media sites Tuesday. Conservative talk radio commentator Rush Limbaugh dubbed those responsible for the incident food Nazis.
Pridgen said he didnt think the government should be involved in what children bring to school to eat for lunch. His office is looking into the issue but awaiting further developments.
Were waiting to see what they do first, he said.
Williamson said the incident shows an opportunity for the school system to improve.
Every opportunity is an opportunity to learn and grow and communicate better, he said.
The list of rules regarding meals for pre-kindergarten children is available in chapter nine of the Division of Child Cares Child Care Center Handbook, posted online at http://ncchildcare.dhhs.state.nc.us/pdf_forms/center_chp9.pdf.

(psst...BG...if you want to be jerks about it all, remember, potato chips come from POTATOES.  So, technically, she did have a veggie.  May not have been the healthiest form of one, but technically, it was still one) =P

Friday, February 10, 2012

Tunnel Vision: Where was my head?

My Granddad ended up in the hospital a few nights ago.  Now he is at Hospice House.  We are waiting for his evaluation to be complete to see what happens now.  From my understanding, he has stopped eating.  I think he had some ice cream a few nights ago.  That's it.  How much longer can a person last if they aren't eating?  ='(  I'm not sure.  I don't know whether to hope things turn around for the better, or ....  God forgive me.

My Grandmother has been an amazing pillar of strength during all of this.  The whole family has just been in awe of her I think.  I know I have found a new, deeper respect for her.  But she isn't going through this unscathed.  She has some health issues too.  And I can only imagine, when my Grandfather's journey is over, what kind of toll it will have taken on her.

I ran across this article online today:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/09/couple-dies-hours-apart-a_n_1266152.html?1328822666&icid=maing-grid10%7Chtmlws-main-bb%7Cdl3%7Csec1_lnk3%26pLid%3D134363 .  In it is says, and I quote:

"A study published in 2007 by researches at the University of Glasgow found that bereaved widows or widowers were at least 30 percent more likely to die within the first six months of their partner's death than those of the same age who hadn't lost a spouse."

Where has my head been!!??!?  We all knew this was our last Christmas with our Grandfather.  But it never crossed my mind it could possibly be our last with her too.  (Not that I'm saying that it WAS.  I just never allowed myself to go there and have that thought)

My family has lost many people, including my father and two cousins.  When my last cousin died (God rest his soul), it hit my Grandmother very hard.  Harder than I think I even let myself realize.  Apparently, there were a few in the family were worried about her.  Now she is losing her husband of over 60 years, her best friend and life partner.  If her heart is acting up like some fear, I worry about the study listed above, and what that could mean for my Grandmother.

It was a worry I hadn't ever allowed myself to have before.  I just assumed we'd have some years left with her.  And we still may.  She has shown herself to be an incredibly strong woman.  We always knew she has been.  But the strength and dignity she has had through this whole process with her husband has been astounding.  So there is still a very good chance we have many good years left with her.  I do hope so.

I guess this article was just a shock and jolt to my system.  Sometimes, I guess, we all have realities we don't want to face.  And this new reality is that my Grandmother, as awesome and super as she is, is not super human.  She will not live forever.  (again, where was my head at?)  I guess I should be thankful that my eyes have been opened.  I need to cover her in prayer even more.  Maybe that's why I ran across it.  I don't know.

Father, I just life my family up to you.  We don't know how much time is left for anyone, but you do.  Help us, please, to always make the most of the time we have with those we love.  Help us to not take life for granted.  Please continue to wrap my family in your loving comfort.  I pray you will continue to give my Grandmother and Grandfather strength and grace during this difficult time, as well as their daughters.  When the time comes, it's my prayer that my Grandfather go peacefully and without pain.  Protect my Grandmother and don't take her before her appointed time.  Please.  I lift my family up to You.  You know best what is needed.  Meet our needs during this time.  In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

A time for goodbyes..... almost

You light up the room with your smile
Haven't seen in it a while
but that's okay

You put up one hell of a fight
You never lost sight
of what mattered most...

You taught us the value of family
You lead us all so carefully
and we'll never forget

The gleam in your eye may be gone
but your love has not been withdrawn
from our hearts

Your new dawn is drawing near
Almost time to disappear
for a while

But you won't be gone for good
For we know what we should,
We'll see you again

So embrace your new life of being pain free
A life where you know no misery
and look upon us every once and while and smile

For we'll surly remember you in our hearts
For in there, you share a big part  
of our lives and memories

We won't forget you, that's a promise that's true
For in this world so big and wide, there was no one quite like you
and there never will be.

We love you more than you know
And we'll never let you go
but it's just about time to free yourself, and it's okay.

Your flame will always burn brightly in our hearts
but it's almost time for your spirit to depart
and be with those who have gone before you

This isn't goodbye, not by a long shot
It's just going to be a see you later, our time it's not
and that's okay

We still have our own things to do
our destinies to follow through
and we'll carry all you taught us with us

Tell those who have gone on before you
that we love and miss them too
We'll see you all soon enough

You have held on a long time and let shine your light
You fought a good fight
It's okay

 When your time has come, just know...
We love you.  We understand.  And a part of us goes with you.


Tonight I went to the hospital to see my Grandfather. They are trying to get him admitted to Hospice House.  We'll see what happens.  He slept for my entire visit.  He looked.... pretty good.  But his breathing is labored.  I suppose it's going to be with Lung Cancer.  

They talked about getting a hospital bed for him for when he finally comes home.  And I flashed to my husband's grandfather,  whom my kids affectionately called Great Dad.  I'll never forget saying our goodbyes to him, on that bed in his house.  My friends, there is such a thing as a death rattle.  And it's tears your heart to shreds and stabs at your gut.  I'll never forget that night.  Never.

I don't want the same thing for my Grandfather or his family.  There are no words that can describe wanting to let someone go, who wants to go, but their body just keeps fighting to stay when it's not what's best.  Great Dad was an awesome man of God.  We know where he is.  And when he passed a few days after our visit, it was relief.  But getting to that point was so hard.  Hard on him, hard on everyone.

I don't want that for my Granddad or loved ones.  I don't.  I want my Grandfather to know it's okay to go when the time is right.  That we love him enough to let him go.  That he is loved and always will be.  I pray that the Lord be merciful and take him quickly, in his sleep if possible.  The less pain the better.

I know it's not his time yet.  But I also know it's not too far off.  My heart just aches for him and the pain he is in.  It aches for his wife, my Grandmother.  She has been so strong.  She has been amazing.  As one family member put it, she's been heroic.  But her health is taking a hit as well.  Truth be told, I'm scared she may not follow far behind her husband.  I don't think she'll last years and years later.   I'm no doctor.   It's just my fear.

I am not ready to say my goodbyes yet.  None of us are.  But we know each day that passes is one day closer that we get to having to do that.  I don't think my Granddad is all out of fight just yet.  But he is growing weaker.  

It's just been an emotional night. 

Monday, February 6, 2012

Two roads diverged in a wood . . . .

I have been struggling with something lately.  And as much as it helps me blog about it, I cannot at this time.  Let's just say my husband and I have some decisions to make.  And it's not easy.

It's during times like this that writing helps me.  I write my thoughts, my struggles, my prayers.  It helps me to clear my head and focus on what's important.  I guess some people could say it helps me "center".  And since I am unable to divulge any information on our struggles at this time, I will do my best to write around it.

We find ourselves at the fork in the road.  One path is what we have always known.  We the know both the blessings and the struggles that come with it.  It's familiar.  It's comfortable.

The other path is change.  It's different.  It could mean opportunity.  It could be full of disaster.  There is no way to know.  It's a leap of faith.

Change is always scary.

In one of my favorite movies, The Shawshank Redemption, there is a scene where Morgan Freeman's character says this:

Red: These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.

To me it sums up a lot of us in this life when faced with change.

We get so used to what we know, that when the door of opportunity opens, we are sometimes too afraid to step through it.  Afraid of the unknown.  Afraid of no guarantees.  Afraid of making the wrong the choice and falling on our faces.

So how do you know when it's time to choose the different path and venture into the unknown?  Maybe it's when the pain of what you do know becomes too hard to bare.  Maybe it's health or relationships are at stake.  Maybe it when you feel you finally get an answer to prayer.  Or maybe it's when you just need something different or an adventure.  I think maybe for everyone, the reasons differ.

Here we are, staring down 2 paths.  Familiar is one, with it is comfort that we know.  And one that has not been traveled.  At least not by us.

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Perhaps it is our time to take the path less traveled.  Maybe it's time for us take a leap of faith and trust that we are in the Lord's hands and He will care for us.  We are praying and searching for the right answers.  We are praying that whatever path we are meant to take, be made clear to us.  And if we can have that, I know no matter what path it is, we'll be okay.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Chasing rainbows

I guess I should start out on a good note:  WOOOOHOOO!!!  GO GIANTS!!! Lovin' the fact they are the Super Bowl champs!  =)

On another note, my husband and I were both given a questionnaire a few weeks ago.  I filled mine out upon receiving it.  My husband finally got around to doing his today.  The person who gave us the questionnaire came by today to go over them.  My husband went first.  And all I can say is, WOW!

This isn't your normal kind of questionnaire.  it wasn't a "What's your favorite color" kind of thing at all.  I got to  really see his heart.  Where it lies.  What's important to him, who he trusts, and what really weighs on him.  It was an eye opener.  I am a VERY blessed woman. 

Then it was my turn.  It's funny how much we answered alike.  lol  I hadn't even realized it until it was my turn to turn in my answers.  Crazy.  It was one of those afternoons that just opened your heart and your mind and made your spirit soar.  It was amazing in every sense of the word.

But today also had it's draw backs.

I don't want to get into too many details, as to protect his privacy, but.....   I was told tonight I should bring my kids to see my Grandfather, and soon.  I had my baby bean with me last time.  But I do believe they are right.  I do believe the time is growing near.  I feel it in my heart.  I need to take my kids one more time to see him.  I guess I have been a bit worried to do that.  More for my kids than anything else.  My eldest is older and understands.  My 6 year old, not so much.  But I need to do this.  And I know it.

It's just hard to be at this place.  To know the end is nearing, is difficult.  He says he's dying now.  He knows.  He may not recognize his loved ones or be able to remember simple words in a sentence, but this...this he knows.  When he got the Cancer diagnosis, I can remember we all thought it would be a blessing that it would take him and not the Alzheimer's.  However, (and I'm not doctor), it seems like all it really did was speed up the Alzheimer's.  He is loosing his mind more quickly than ever, and his body is shutting down now it seems.  He is so much pain (that is the cancer).  It's so hard.

I wonder how my Grandmother is keeping it together as well as she is.  She is truly one hell of lady.  Her strength astounds me.  She is no "spring chicken".  She has health issues all her own.  And yet, despite her physical pain, she is there for him.  Even in ways I know we cannot even comprehend.  She really is an amazing woman.  This whole thing with my Granddad has really opened up my eyes to this woman.  And for that I'm thankful.

I know that no one wants to deal this kind of thing.  I wish no one had too.  But as hard as it is, there are silver linings. 

~My eyes being opened to just how amazing my Grandmother really is.
~My family coming together to deal with this as a family.  To support each other and him.  It's great to know that I come from a family deep and rich in love and support.
~This has opened up the younger generations' eyes to some conversations we should be having with loved ones.
~Yet another reminder that life is precious.  The we need to live it.  No regrets.
~Yet another reminder to make sure those we care about, KNOW just how much we care.

It's not always easy to try and see good in certain situations. Especially situations like this.  But it helps.  I don't want to always concentrate on the difficulties.  It helps to try and see if you can't find something good in it.  This helps me from becoming bitter. 

So I guess, in some ways, you could say today was full of both sunshine and rain.  And perhaps that is accurate.  But I am going to end this day looking upon the sunshine, and finding the rainbow in the rain.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Not what I wanted to write about

I had been thinking of writing a different blog, but unfortunately that is going to have to wait.  Instead, I need my place to let "it" out tonight.

Today has been so emotional.  My husband and I have some decisions to make and they aren't easy ones.  They are life changing.  And we can't afford to make any mistakes.  We have asked those we love to please lift us up in prayer, for we need guidance.  

After getting more information on somethings today, I have found myself in tears and in prayer most of the afternoon.  I just feel so overwhelmed.  The weight we feel we have upon us right now is heavy.  I just want clear answers.  I don't want us to screw this up.  So many "what if's".  So many ... everything.  We have just come out of a season of struggling and we don't want to go back to that.  We just want to do the right thing.  We just need to know what that is.  As it effects others. 

And just as I thought I cried my last tear in frustration and fear, I got the call.  And now I feel even more lost.

Hospice has run test, and apparently the time we thought and hoped we'd have with my grandfather isn't going to be as long.   And with how quickly his mental state is diminishing...  I found out today that he forgets who my grandmother is now.  Sometimes a few times a day.  This has got to kill her!  I took little "Bean" with me to visit yesterday and he seemed ok.  Child like, but in good spirits.  I can't say if he knew who we were or not.  Probably not.  Simple words in a sentence are hard for him to remember now.  But he was in good mood.  And it was good to see him smile. 

I feel like my legs have been kicked out from under me.  Just when I thought I was done with tears.

I love this man so much.  No one knows how much he has meant to me.  And to see him like this...  To know his days are more numbered than we thought, is gut wrenching.  But I guess when you have two deadly diseases working against you, your body just doesn't have it in itself to fight.  At least, not his age.

So tonight, I am going to toast the strong man I have always known.  The man who loves his family deeply.  The man who brought to life "The Big Bad Elephant".  The man who read us "Twas the Night Before Christmas" every Christmas when we were little.  The man who would mix drinks behind the bar at family gatherings and give me ginger ale.  I always felt so special drinking it at the bar.  It was the only time I ever got it.  lol (he had a bar in his basement).  The man who split McDonald's fries with me after a football game.  I don't think he wanted them, but I think he could see that I wanted to do it with him.  God bless him.

Yes.  God bless him.  Please.  Make is suffering, and my Grandmother's and Aunts' short lived.  Please.  Take him quickly and painlessly.  I know we aren't ready.  Is anyone ever ready? 

We've lost some really good members of my family over the years.  My father for one.  It took us kids by surprise.  Then we loss 2 of my cousins to car accidents (years apart).  Suddenly.  So death is not something new to us. 

When this whole journey with my Grandfather started, we thought it was a blessing to be able to say our goodbyes.  To be able to know and spend more time with him.  To be able to tell him and show him just how much he means to us.  Now, well, now I'm not so sure that is a blessing after all.  Especially in the case of Alzheimer's.   It's really is agony to lose someone this way.  In cases like this, I think maybe perhaps, it is better when they are taken suddenly.  Then again, when we found out it was Cancer, we thought that would take him first.  Maybe that's why we thought it was a blessing.  But now it seems almost as if the two diseases are in competition to see who can do him in first.  It's not fair.  It's not fair to him.  It's not fair to my Grandmother.  It's not fair to his daughters.  It's not fair to any of us.  But I guess the argument could be made, "When is life fair?"

I'm just hurting tonight.  I know my family is hurting tonight.  I just want it all to be okay.  And it's not.