Updates and Randomness

For those of you who read this pretty regularly, I am sorry if I left anyone hanging or worrying.  I have had a lot going on.

Quick recap:

6 weeks ago my kids got sick and so did I.
4 weeks ago my little girl got sick again and was put in the hospital
2 weeks ago my grandfather died
This week, my kids have the flu.

And yes, my husband and I had some choices and stress before all this hit.  And afterwards, things took a dramatic turn for... well, not the better.  So life has been a bit stressful to say the very least.

This past Friday was very hard on me.  I started facing things head on.  Starting with my grief.  I'm not done grieving.  But at least I'm not running from it now.  Or burying it.  And I'm okay. 

I have had my hands full of sick kids lately.  And as stressful as that is on me, I can only imagine what it's been like for them.  I pray this flu is the final round of illness for my household for a very, very long time to come.  But I must say, I am proud of my kids.  They are handling this all better than I could have asked for.  They are good kids.  And I can't wait for them to be healthy again.  I can't wait to play!  lol

My middle girl has the flu and is asthmatic (she's 6).  She's been doing so well.  But she literally just came and told me her chest hurts.  Crap.  She's taking her nebulizer treatments (and is taking one now as I write this).  I'm going to have to watch her carefully.  Her fever has done well today.  If it spikes at all again, I may take her for x-rays, just in case.  She just got out of the hospital, I don't need her going back in.

So other than this, things have been ... okay.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching on my marriage lately.  A LOT.  I know I haven't given details (except to say he has not beaten me, belittled me, or cheated on me; and that he is a good man), and that's for a good reason.  I'm not going to go into detail either.  Just know that sometimes, we get hurt in marriage.  Sometimes you don't have to beat, or do drugs, or cheat to cut the one you love to core.   There are other ways to feel betrayed or lose trust in someone.

Have you ever sat down and really took stock of your life?  Where you have been, and where you'd like to be going?  Have you ever really thought what it would be like to live life without your spouse by your side?  Needless to say (with all the events in my life right now) I have.

I'm not sure I know how to move past a deep breach in trust.  But I do know I want to try.  I know my life was forever changed when my husband came into my life.  I know he's a good man.  I know that I love him.  I owe it him, to my kids, to my marriage, and to myself to try work all this out.  And it's what we're trying to do.  I'm sure we'll have our struggles with it.  (Okay, I'm sure I'll have my struggles with it and he'll have his struggles with me. lol  How's that for honestly?) 

I knew a few weeks ago, when my Grandfathered died and everything "hit the fan", that I was way too emotional to make any major decisions about anything (marriage or other wise).  And not wanting to deal with anything because I was feeling so overwhelmed was only  making everything worse.  Often in life, the only way to overcome it, is to go through it.  Not hide from it or dodge it. 

If you have followed me at all, you know I have a passion for music.  It helps me.  It can often put into words what I feel better than I know how too.  Below are the lyrics to a song by Superchick (older song.  You can look it up on youtube later if you are interested in how it sounds).  I think it personifies how I've been feeling:

"Stand In The Rain"

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from, wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

 

*I bolded the sentence that kinda stuck out to me while typing this blog

So here I am, going through it all.  You know that saying, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"?  I think maybe, perhaps, that's where I am at.  It's definitely a trying time right now.  But what if all this trial is for some kind of greater purpose?  Then, in my opinion, (in a way) that would also make this the best of times.  Because, in the end, I'm willing to endure just about anything, if it means a change for the better or something better in store down the road.  If I look back a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years from now even, and can see that all this changed my life for better, then I'll be able to say it was all worth it.

Maybe in life, we make the mistake of acting out of our pain too often, instead of waiting and really weighing things out.  Maybe we've become such an instant gratification society, that when things aren't going as planned, we are too quick to jump ship instead of staying and putting in the effort and work to make it work out.  Maybe.

This is the only life I am given to live.  I want to make the most of it.  I don't want to curl up and let it get the best of me.  I don't want to look back over my life and regret a thing.  And I know I'll never regret going though a hard time, and coming out the other side stronger.  We may not want to go through tough trials in life, but they are going to come.  We don't have a choice about that.  What we do have a choice about is how we handle the hard times.  Will we stand through the storm or let it beat us down?

I choose to stand.