At first I forgot I ever had it. Then I just thought I lost it. But I think I found it today! And I'm so happy! I don't know what I'd ever do with out it. It's gotten me through so much in life.
The last time I lost it, I found it with my kids. This time, I found with some other loved ones, in their caring words and thought and concerns. (and okay...maybe some with my kids too)
What is it I lost and found? My gumption! My will to survive and come out stronger in the end. My will not to let life and all it's problems beat me down.
I'm tired of being in this place of.... What is it? Mopiness?(is that how it's even spelled?) Crankiness? Sadness? Sorrow? Confusion? Anger? Guilt? Doubt? I'm not sure there is a right word or combination of words for it. But I'm sick of it. And I'm sure those who love me are sick of it too.
Do I have all the answers yet? Nope. Not in the least. But I don't have to have them. I just have to be willing to fight through this mountain of crap being thrown at me. And I don't have to be strong enough to do it all at once either. One thing at a time.
The first thing on my agenda is really dealing with my Grandfather's death. I don't want too. I'm sure as hell not looking forward to it. But I need to do it. Maybe I'll do it this weekend. A nice bottle of wine...maybe even with some others I know are struggling. We'll see. But somehow, someway, I need to find closure. I think not having a formal funeral is really screwing me up. But I do have to find a healthy way to deal with this, because he wouldn't want me to be the mess I have become. That's for certain.
After that, I can deal with certain things that surrounded and followed his death, and have had direct influences on relationships in my life. And then I can deal with those relationships.
That sounds like a nice little timeline to follow, right? I'm not sure how long each section is going to last. I'm not sure how to go about each section that needs dealt with. But I am sure if I take each thing one at a time, and give it whatever time is needed, I can come out the other end stronger.
I'm sure I'm still going to have rough days. I'm sure I'm going to cry, a lot. But that's okay. As long as every day isn't bad, I'm good. As long as I let it out and not hold it in, I'm good. I know it's going to take time, and that's okay. As long as I give it however much time is needed.
I'm done rolling over, moping, trying not feel, and not being myself. I'm tired of letting it all pile up on top of me (much like this mountain of socks I have been putting off matching. I guess I know what I'm doing once I hit post). I can do this, with support, one day at a time. And I'm going too. Period. Because anything less is unacceptable.