Monday, February 20, 2012


I'm sorry, but I need my place to just talk tonight.

These past 2 weeks have been really hard.  My husband and I are still dealing with those two roads.  We think we've picked one, but...  One step at a time, right?  I wish I could go into more detail, but I can't.

Then about 2 weeks ago, my Granddad fell and ended up in the hospital.  A few days later, he ended up in Hospice House.  The night he was admitted I started falling apart a little.  My poor husband was so worried about me.  He forced me to face the truth, I had not yet begun to face what lied ahead.  And I didn't want too.

Then my girl got sick.  She ended up in the ER and then with her very own admittance to the children's hospital where we live.  Classic symptoms of Appendicitis.  Several tests, some xrays, and ultra sound later... NO APPENDICITIS! Thank you God!  However, she was in pain and fevers over 103.  Just then it hit.  The feared stomach virus.  She was finally discharged in time for my eldest to get sick.  No hospital stay for her.  (Again, thank you God).  However, my middle girl (Superstar) still battled her fever all week.  Missed just about a whole week school.  She was finally able to go back on Friday (they both were).  Friday was a 1/2 day.  They were home for lunch.

After the kids being sick for weeks, then my Granddad's fall and what-not, then this last fiasco of illness we needed something normal again.  So off to my sisters we went for dinner.  It was great to just have some kind of normal back in our lives.

We had been to see my see my Grandfather a few times before Superstar got sick.  She could only handle it once.  She told him how much loved him and tried to make peace.  Friday she dropped the bomb that she wanted to see him again.  I told her I would work something out Saturday or Sunday.  Saturday was my niece's birthday party.  It would be tricky.   She never got the chance though.  Friday night the call came in a little after 10 (just after I posted my LET GO poem.  Literally).  My Grandfather has passed away.  The rest of that night was a train wreck for me.

Saturday I struggled very hard with my grief, stress, and getting ready for the party.  It was a rough day to say the least.  But the party was just what we needed.  The kids laughter made us all smile and feel a bit lighter.  Although I think both my sister and I did think of Granddad often during it.  He would have loved it.  It was planned around the kids and him.

Afterwards my entire family came together to cook a meal together.  It was nice.  Then we all gathered, prayed, talked, reminisced, read poems, toasted my Grandfather a few times, before ending in prayer again.  It was good.

But since Saturday, my struggle has not been a good one.  Wait, is there such a thing as a good struggle?

I am at a point where I am afraid to fully feel this loss.  I fight tears constantly.  So afraid that if they start, they won't stop.  This man meant so much to me.  More than anyone really realized I think.  He really was an amazing man.  And yes, I'm going to take this moment to brag on him.  The staff at hospice couldn't believe all the people that were constantly in to see him.  His wife, 4 daughters and their spouses, his Grandchildren and Great Grandchildren.  He had relationships with us all.  Good relationships.  Great ones.  That has to be testament to how wonderful a man he was.  Generous.  Kind.  Respectful.  Honest.  Funny.  Loving.  I could go on and on.  I'll spare you.  ;)

The truth is, I am afraid to cry that tear.  But I also know that if I don't allow the grieving process to hit, it isn't going to be pretty.  The last time I built walls to not feel pain, my husband picked me up off the ground outside my aunts house following the loss of my cousin.  So I'm stuck between knowing what I need to do, and afraid to travel this path once again.  If I grieve, it's real.  If I grieve, I may not stop.  I'm not sure I can handle the loss of another loved one.  I'm stuck between knowing what I need to do and being so afraid to do it.

On top of all this, and the thing we're still trying handle (the two roads), something else has crept up.  Something I am having a really hard time dealing with.

I swear, if I could, I would be renting car and driving to Florida for a few days.  I need time away from my life right now.  Time to face the things I am facing.  Time to work through it and come back more peaceful.  Come back ready to take life by the horns again.  Come back rested (Did I mention how I haven't slept more than a 4 hours a night since he passed?).  Come back having dealt with it all and able to be the Mommy, wife, sister and friend I know I am, and not this mess I have become.

However, the Florida plan (or any plan) is not going to happen.  There is no one to help with the kids.  There is no money for this kind of thing either.  So I am having to deal this here.  And maybe I'm just a big fat wimp.  But this is hard.  Really hard.   Death is hard.  Change is hard.  Sick kids are hard.  Forks in the road are hard.  And this other thing is really freaking hard.   And yes, there are days when being a mom is hard.  (but I still love them)  And before you judge, lets just say, until you have walked a mile in my shoes....

I'm struggling.  A lot right now.  A whole lot.  But I think the fact that I know it, is a good thing in a way.  And the fact I know exactly where I stand & the struggles I'm facing, says I am self aware (to a point).  And I know some of those close to me are worried, but if I know all this, then I think (in the end) I'll be okay.  I just need to work through it.  Some how.  Some way.  It's going to take some time.  I am going to have to do that in my own way.  I can't promise I'm not going to break down, but I can promise that I am going to do my best not too.  That I know what lies ahead if I don't face some of things I fear.  And I promise I'm doing my best.  Promise. 

It's going to be okay.  This too shall pass.  And so on, and so forth.  I have survived many things in my life.  I will survive all this crashing in on me right now too.  I'm determined to (some how, some way).  I promise.

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