Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Journal Entry from Memorial Day 2011

I keep a hand written journal. I started back in March, a month into our process of building this home. It's been a while since I have blogged here, so I thought I would share my entry from last night.

How did I get here? How did I get to this point?

Tonight, sitting on the couch, holding hands with my husband, I had this . . . urge?. . . feeling?. I wanted to tell him that soon (50 days or so) we'd be in our new home, and how I couldn't wait. I can't really explain it, but I'll try.

I wasn't wishful thinking. It was if it had already been done and determined. All day I have been excited and anticipating this coming week. I have been waiting expectantly for an approval, a final approval, on our mortgage loan. But as important as that in itself is, tonight was different. It was if I already knew. As if I had already gotten the answer. As if it had already been done. No wishful thinking. No hoping. No maybe, or if it's God's will. It was done. It was as if it were final. That's the best I can try to explain it. It was...different, unlike anything I've ever known.

How did I get here? Three (maybe three and half) months ago, we set out on this journey to get a new home. We faced stumbling block after stumbling block. No one seemed to believe this could happen, even those in my own family. Some started out with more faith than they have now. We were told "NO" so many times. But we never gave up hope.

Then the day came we were not only told "NO!", but we were told it just wasn't going to happen at all. Basically we were told it would take a miracle and to just give up for a while (another year or two). The world had told us "NO!".

I remember thinking we'd lost the house. My husband was crushed. I even wrote about that night in this very journal. It was gone, and yet I was surprisingly okay. I was more worried about my husband and kids. I mean I was upset, but not destroyed. I remember turning to the Lord and trusting Him to take care of us. I remember the relief (and dare I say joy) I felt in the fact that we may be losing (or have lost) a big dream, but that I wasn't turning away from God, but instead I leaned on Him and trusted Him to see us through. That was a HUGE step for me.

So many times I prayed for this and over this home for us (some of the time on the lot itself). So many times I told Him I would trust Him and follow Him and love Him, NO MATTER WHAT!. Even if we lost the house. And now, here we were, being told "NO" for the 4th time, and also being told to give it up. It wasn't going to happen for us, at least not now. We were told our dream was over, gone. And here I was, keeping true to my word to trust in Him. And it wasn't forced or hard. I wanted too, and in the end it brought me peace and comfort.

the very next day we got a pre-approval from another bank. And it's been a journey of waiting and patience ever since. And it hasn't been easy, as so many of my entries show. I struggled.

And tonight, I sat here feeling these things. Today, and for several days, I have been in this place of waiting expectantly. How did I get here?

How did I go from a hope and prayer, to the world telling us no and loved ones losing faith and being unbelieving, to this place of faith and certainity I feel tonight?

it's been a long 3/3 1/2 months. It's been quite a journey. But to be where I am right now (for the 1st time in my life), it has been worth it.

I have gone from a dream, to a hope, to the death of the dream, to resurrected hope, to standing in a place of faith. And standing firmer than I ever have.

I know my journey is just beginning. But perhaps . . . Maybe . . . I have begun to build a foundation of my own to stand on. A foundation rich in faith. Let the building and journey continue . . .

Sunday, May 22, 2011

It's that time again...

What a day. Been a looong hard one. Complete with back talk, lies, disobedience, broken dishes, sick kids ..... I'm stopping here. A friend made a comment on my fb page and I am going to try something I did once a few months ago. Yes today was MISERABLE...HORRIBLE. But, I am going to try to focus on some of the good things about today. Before I just focus on my blessings in general. This time I will try to find the good in this day. Trying to change my focus.

1. I woke up. That's pretty big. lol
2. Hubby made it home from work safe and sound
3. I made killer banana bread today. PERFECT! MMMM
4. They did more work on the house. Bottom level completely framed. =)
5. No cicadas landed on me today. lol
6. The dog didn't puke today. Thank goodness he's over whatever he had
7. I made two really good meals today...lunch was awesome and so was dinner.
8. My hubby allowed me to "run away" for about an hour to get away from the madness of the day and just pray and center. He's the best.
9. My kids love me. We may have it rough all around today, but they went to bed knowing I loved them and me knowing they love me. =)
10. My children understood each of their various punishments today and agreed they deserved them.
11. My house smelled like fresh banana bread today. That is always a good thing.
12. I didn't have a headache today!! YIPEE!!
13. I didn't face my challenges today alone. I had help from HIM. Every time I prayed, He answered. Thank you Lord. You are good. =) You gave me patience when I need it most and calmed me when I was upset. And when I felt my lost alone, you were there. Thank you.
14. I cleaned out a cabinet that needed it and through out some stuff. PROGRESS!
15. Hot shower!! I am about to take a nice long hot shower and wash the day away. lol
16. The best thing about this day, is that it's about over. And that tomorrow is NOT today. Tomorrow is a new day. =)

Monday, May 16, 2011

needed this one

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."
~ Unknown

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Cracking again

I think I will be enjoying a drink or two tonight. I just can't take this anymore.

In the past 2 1/2 months:

~ I have learned my Grandfather who has Alzheimer's also has lung cancer.
~ His Alzheimer's had some very scary moments that caused the whole family stress and worry.
~ He is in the ICU tonight due to complications from a previous procedure. He had to have a blood transfusion and my mom is up there tonight with him.
~ I have all the stress of trying to pack up this house
~ The stress of trying to buy/build this new house (do you know how many times we heard banks say, "yes we can do it. wait..maybe...um. no." Do you know how stressful that it is. We are still waiting for final approval from this one.)
~ My husband's grandfather died
~ Financial stress b/c we can't do much b/c we are trying to get this house. We want to make sure we have enough for closing, and blinds and such for the house.

And now I'm trying to plan a combined birthday for my girls. I won't be in the country for one of their birthdays. And since they are only 2 weeks apart, it just makes sense to have one party (they will be 6 and 2). But I can't afford to rent a place out. I need a place to contain my wild toddler. And my house is not big enough and we will be in the processes of packing it up. We thought we had a place to have it, but due to the time the party has to be, it fell through. I just don't know what to do. My girl cried.

What kind of parent am I? My eldest's birthday was cancelled due to the stomach bug hitting. And now I may not be able to have parties for my other two as well. My house will not hold 35 people. It's too small and cramped. And with no spare money to rent anything.... What do I do?

I feel like a failure. I feel like I just keep letting them down. I just don't know how to plan this party any more. I can't take all the stress in my life and I am cracking at the seems this week.

I just feel like I can't do anything right.

I feel like a failure.

And we've calmed our girl down by telling her we'd figure something out, but I honestly have NO idea what that will be. I am lost. She's already upset she is not having her party where she wanted, but to have no party?

God help me. I don't know how much more I can take.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


I saw this online today it really touched me. I just had share!!!

Invisible Mother.....

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'

Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

Some days I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock?, Where's my phone?, What's for dinner?'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature -but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe.

I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devoured - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.

No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it there...'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.

Share this with all the Invisible Moms you know... I just did.

The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

To all the wonderful mothers out there!!

May God give you...

For every storm, a rainbow,

For every tear, a smile,

For every care, a promise,

And a blessing in each trial.

For every problem life sends,

A faithful friend to share,

For every sigh, a sweet song,

And an answer for each prayer

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


I can't believe we got a FREE trip to Atlantis! I have gone from just straight crying, to finally being at a point where the tears come and go.

This is the kind of thing I read about online or on a friend's fb page. This is the kinda thing my BFF would call and tell me about and I would rejoice and be happy for her!

I feel like all my life, I have lived struggling. We watched my mom struggle to raise 3 girls on her own after my father's death. We struggled with the deaths of many friends and 2 cousins.

My husband and I struggled in our marriage. Last year we hit bottom. I couldn't wait to see 2010 go. We have lived through a bankruptcy, financial issues, and losing a home, on top of our already marital issues. We have struggled with a sick girl (she tends to get sick more often and stay sick longer than most kids. Her Asthma doesn't help. She is going to be 6 and has had 4 hospital stays I think and countless ER visits), and a surprise pregnancy in the midst of a bankruptcy and trying to move.

He and I have pasts where we have had our own struggles. Personal ones. And there have been times we have struggled with faith.

Life isn't bad. Don't get me wrong. We are VERY happy now! Struggles or not, we have found a place of joy and happiness and contentment. We've learned how to be partners to and for each other. And it's something we continue to learn about and expand on.

But it feels as if we have struggled more than anything in this life. We are trying to build a house (we "should" know by next Friday if we have final approval on the financing). And during the whole process up until recently, I have said it seemed to good to be true. That good things like this house just don't happen to us. Our good news is him getting a bonus so we can pay the bills AND do something fun with or for the kids. I recently just took them to the zoo on the last bonus. Practical things. Those are our "good" things. Not nice houses. And certainly not free trips to the Bahamas! At least, that was how thought for so long.

The past few months I have been really struggling with receiving blessings. People have commented that we deserve this trip. I don't think so. I don't think we deserve anything. We have never done a great thing to deserve such a lavish blessing. But then again, I have always been of the thinking that we don't really deserve anything really good. It was always for others, but not for me. And I truly rejoice for those whom these things happen too. But for this to happen to us? To me?

I am in awe!! I am in utter awe!! To say we have longed for a trip there for years and years and years, is an understatement. To say we have longed for a great honeymoon is also a gross understatement. And now the two have become one, and are FREE!! Air fare, food, room, gratuities, FREE!!! This has been another desire of ours and now it's here. And there are just no words to describe this feeling. No words to truly describe what this is and what this means to us. Talk about a blessing!!

The only thing we needed to pay for was the passports. Which I freaked out about because we need to save some more money up for closing (I am believing for this house) which is in July. Well, apparently God had other plans there too. A very generous person has come forward to cover the costs of our passports!!! Here come the tears again. =')

I don't think I have ever been so thankful and so in shock (in a good way) ever before in my life!

I am overwhelmed by the all the people who made this happen and their kindness and their generosity. I am overwhelmed by God's goodness!!

The tears are flowing again, but I must say, I'd rather cry for reasons like this than any other. I am so ... very...Thankful.

You aren't going to believe this!!! God is GREAT!!!

My husband just came for lunch. He said he had bad news, worse news, and good news.

Bad news: He wasn't going to be home for dinner
Worse news: We wouldn't be here on the actual day of our youngest's 2nd birthday


GREAT NEWS: He just won an all expenses paid trip for he and I to Atlantis in the Bahamas! No! THIS IS NOT A JOKE!!

He won it through work!! Actually he's dealership won it, and they chose to give it to him. I am so overwhelmed right now!!

We have to get some passports ASAP!! We leave toward the end of June!!

I can't stop crying!!

A Honeymoon!! A real honeymoon!!!

My husband and I got married in October of '99. We paid for it all. His parents did pay for the rehearsal dinner, but everything else fell on us to pay. And it wasn't cheap. We had very little left for a honeymoon. So in October, we took $800 and went to Myrtle Beach, SC. It was cold. It was empty and a lot of places were closed.

And now...we get a FREE trip to the ONE place I have wanted to go for years and years and years! And...NO KIDS!!! My sister, mom, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law are all stepping in to help us by watching them so we can take this incredible trip of a lifetime!

I can't believe this!!!! You guys have NO idea how badly I have wanted this. I check it out online every year. I have prayed, and hoped, and.... I never, NEVER really thought we would be able to go. It's so expensive.

And now...We're going. FOR FREE!!!

God is good!!!

Forgive me Lord for all my doubts I have ever had.

Saturday, May 7, 2011


Tomorrow is Mother's Day. And I am sitting here tonight reflecting on being a mom.

My kids are the most important thing in my life, and the single most important thing I'll ever "do". I am responsible for raising intelligent, responsible, caring adults. What an awesome and heavy responsibility to have.

It's amazing how much children effect you, change you. Every tear they cry, you hold. Every pain they feel, you feel. Their every smile lights the darkest corners of your life. I don't care how bad a day I am having, or even if they helped contribute to it. All they have to do is smile and lifts my spirits.

As babies, I use to love watching them sleep. I still enjoy it. But now I enjoy watching them play. Watching them take joy in each other and in the simple things. They constantly remind me to take it a little slower and enjoy life more. I need to get better at this. They are growing so fast, too fast. One day I will blink, and they will be adults. I want to enjoy them even more than I do now.

I also love seeing their love and compassion for others. It never ceases to amaze me. Our neighbor is in the hospital and the girls wanted to make her get well cards. When ever someone is down or sad, they want to cheer them up. And my eldest loves to pray for others.

There are days when being "mom" wears me out. I am exhausted physically and emotionally. And yet, as moms, we keep going. We push through it. No real sick days, coffee breaks, or time off.

No pay check comes our way for the cooking, cleaning, teaching, driving them where they need to be (or want to be), or being their personal shoppers and assistants. No, we are paid in a different way. We are payed in love. And not just their love for us, but our love them as well. It grows with each passing day. It's amazing. They can screw up in the worst ways, and if they haven't already, on day they will severely disappoint us and let us down. But we will never stop loving them. Ever.

Being a mom is the single most rewarding and the single hardest job I have ever done. It's hard to punish them. It's hard to step back sometimes and let them make the mistakes in order to really learn the lesson. All we want to do is protect them. And sometimes it feels like we let them down when we step back and let them learn the hard lesson we know they won't learn any other way. But I keep trying to remind myself that in doing that, we are protecting them. We are teaching them and preparing them for their future.

Being a mom is also the one job that is most judged by others. "She let her kids do what!?" "I can't believe that she ....." "If those were my kids, I'd...." We are constantly under the microscope. And just by strangers, but by other moms. We are hard enough on ourselves, I can't believe we still judge each other they a lot of us do. We need to support each other more, even when it isn't what "we would do".

I can remember holding each one of my girls as infants. I remember their sounds, their smiles. I remember their first times in the snow and at school. I can't believe how fast they are growing.

I hate it when I screw up and make a mistake with them. Raise my voice when I shouldn't. Have more grace when I should.... I'm not as good as mom as I wish I was. But I know I love my kids. And I know they love me too. Each in their own way. I am still learning this job. And just when I think I got it figured out, it all changes on me. They get older and things change. Or what works with one child does not with another. It's a crazy, wild ride. But oh, how it is worth it!!

I pray I don't screw them up too bad. I pray they grow up to be those responsible, caring adults.

I think of how life is today vs. how it was when I was a kid. When I was little I ran around outside most of the time, jumping from friend's house to friend's house. I came home at the dinner bell. Today I must know where my kids are each minute of the day. They can't just be left to play outside without supervision. It's such a different, scarier place than it use to be. I just want them to grow to be those good kind of adults, but I also want them to enjoy their childhood.

I think of my mother too. Of all the sacrifices she made for us. First staying at home with us, then having to get a job to help support our family of 5. When my father died, so did a part of her. She became mother and father. She became sole provider for 3 young girls. She moved us to another state to start over. What a brave thing to do. She not only worked her tale off for us, but she made time to support us in our extra-curricular activities as well. Being at every game and competition, raising money for us. She never stopped. I wonder when she slept....

I'm sure when she looks back over things, she thinks about the mistakes she thinks she made here and there. But I hope she realizes, they weren't mistakes. Each decision she made has gotten us to where we each are now. We grew up to be loving caring people. We have our own families. We have strong roots in family and loyalty to it. She was, and still is, our role model for strength and love. She is an amazing woman. She could have easily become bitter and angry with life. But she hasn't. She still looks upon the moments with her daughters and granddaughters with great joy.

Motherhood... No one ever tells us how hard it can be. How our heart breaks the first time (and every time) our kids get sick, or when they come home from a friends with hurt feelings. No one tells you about all the sleepless nights you get AFTER they have long been sleeping through the night for years, because they are sick and you just can't bare to leave their side. They may need you. No one tells you that you can be sick with 103 fever, and will still have to meet their every need no matter what you feel like or are going through. No one tells you that there will be days you feel like a complete failure because you can't solve their problem or make them feel better or heal their sickness, because isn't that what Moms are suppose to do?

But, they also don't tell you that you will feel how it is all worth it. How with every accomplishment they achieve, your heart sores with them. How you wouldn't change a thing. How you would do anything for them, at any time of day. They don't tell you cut and bleeding, with two broke legs, on hot coals to end up in a sea of salt water...just for them. And how you wouldn't change that either. Not for anything.

Every smile, Every giggle, Every "I love you", Every hug and kiss and "thank you" make it all worth it.

Being a mom may be the hardest job in the world...but it's also THE most rewarding.

My children mean more to me than I could ever show them in this one life time or tell them, even with all the words we have to express ourselves. They are my single best accomplishment. They are my world, my everything. And I hope one day, they will know this feeling. But even if they don't....I will still be proud of each of them. I will go on loving them when time is on longer relevant.

Motherhood (my children) are the best thing to have ever happened to me.

Friday, May 6, 2011

What a day!! Info on it all.

We ran about 1/2 hour or so late this morning for the funeral. BUT...we made it!!
And someone forgot part of the Eulogy at home and then we were only slightly delayed on that. lol My husband neglected to tell me he was a pallbearer. I thought he was just speaking at the funeral. So he was the ONLY pallbearer without a jacket/suit. Just a nice shirt and tie. *rolls my eyes* lol If I had only known.... Oh well. It kinda just goes with how we all roll. lol It all turned out well though, in spite of these things. What a crew we all make. lol

It was a good ceremony. My husband's cousin sang (slight snafu with the timing of that, but it wasn't his fault), a few speeches were given, a slide show was shown of him, and then we all prayed.

It's kinda "funny" how on Tuesday night, right after he died, a huge storm came through. And in middle of his funeral today, another one.

We went to the grave site and said our goodbyes. We watched as they folded the flag and placed in Great Mother's arms (He served with the merchant marines in WWII). When taps were being played a jet flew over head. It wasn't planned, but it is "funny" how it worked out.

And even though my MIL and FIL had a nasty a divorce, it was not only good to see him there, but his mother and her husband too.

The church fed us all afterwards and the food was phenomenal!!

I think day was more of a celebration of who he was as a man, father, grandfather, husband, ect., and a celebration of where he is now more than a grieving ceremony. Not that we didn't have our moments. But it was nice to see how happy everyone really was for him.

My washer machine has issues. Several. We are hoping to get a new one...but that is a whole 'nother headache/ Hopefully it will work out.

Then there is my husband tooth. His canine tooth. It's loose. Badly. There is a slim chance it's the crown, but the general consensus is that the tooth is fractured and needs to come out. Now...he works in sales. He can't go around with a gaping whole in his grill. So we need to get him an implant tooth (fake tooth). And from what we are finding, they cost about $3000 and insurance does NOT cover it. Not sure what we are going to do.

We should know next week if my grandfather has Colon Cancer on top of this Lung Cancer and Alzheimer's. I pray he does not.

We should know about the house in the next 10 days or so.

Yup. Life is stressful right now. VERY MUCH SO! Some days I handle it all better than others. This morning I felt down right overwhelmed. Tonight I have breathing room.

It's been a very long few days to say the least. Mother's Day is this weekend and I'm still trying to finalize plans to see everyone. I hoping next mother's day maybe I can have a cook out at our new house... We'll see...still praying!

I do want to say I am surprised. A few people have reached to us/me. We have gotten a card in the mail and I have received FB messages, PMs, emails, blog posts (mostly on another blog of mine)... Sometimes I lose sight of blessed I am to know such wonderful people. I hate that it takes times like these to bring it back to my memory. But I am SO VERY THANKFUL to know each one of these people.

It's been a long week. I think I shall enjoy a glass of wine or two, unwind, and think on the blessing I have in my life instead of the complications.

Thursday, May 5, 2011


We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

~Laura Story

I heard this song the other day and LOVED it immediately. I have had several conversations with several people in life lately. I hope and pray they see this and think on it. I know they are loved...not just by me, but by Him.

I'm off to get some sleep. We have a funeral in the morning.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Bring the Rain

"Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain"

I praise you Lord tonight for your goodness and your faithfulness!

I give you thanks for your goodness and mercies. Thank you for ending his suffering.

Thank you, Lord, for preparing a place for us! Thank you for welcoming us Home when our time here is over. I find comfort and joy in knowing where he is this night, with YOU! How amazing it is that YOU made a way, a place, for us! You are so good!!

Thank you for your loving kindness. Thank you .... for everything!


Tonight we lost a great man, my kids' "Great Dad" (their great granddad). He left us at 8:43 p.m. But he left with us his legacy of love, faith, strength, & dedication. We are joyful that he is no longer in pain, yet we mourn as well. It's the craziest thing to feel both emotions at once, and so so strongly.

We tried waking the kids to the tell them. Our eldest kinda got it. I'm sure she'll ask us about it in the morning. Our youngest was so deep sleep. There was no waking her. We told her anyway, but we know we will have to deal this blow to them again tomorrow. I worry about their reactions. I wonder if they will be anything like mine? One minute I'm fine, the next I'm not, only to be fine again a few minutes later.

I worry about Greatmother, his wife. Her life will never be the same. She is a very strong and determined woman. But I got a glimpse of how difficult this has been for her the other night. And now........ She is going to need even more prayer. She just lost her husband, her friend, her companion of the last ... I don't know how long, 50-60 years. My heart goes out to her tonight. It goes out to his children as well and their families.

R.I.P. Bruce. I love you. I'm glad you aren't hurting anymore. I'm jealous you are with Jesus! But hopefully, I'll see you soon enough. All in good time, right? Rejoice! We'll all be together again some day.

Father, please be with the family now. Continue to wrap your comforting arms around us all. I lift up Betty to you, Lord. You know best what she needs now. Surround her with your love, strength, comfort, and peace. Guide her over the coming days, weeks, and months Lord. In Jesus' name.

Monday, May 2, 2011

for conspiracy theorist


Bin Ladin (OBL) was killed and his death announced EXACTLY 66 days from the day that Hitler's was. OLB was 54. 5+4=9 turn it upside down...666

Now conspiracy theorist don't know if he is really dead. Media claims...shot in the head. Anti Christ is dealt fatal blow to the head and in 3 days "rises" from the dead. Wonder if they are waiting for May 4th???

If you watched any of the videos in my blog, you can see where this would tie into Islam.

I'm not saying this IS fact or this WILL happen. I just found it all very interesting and thought some people out there might as well.


Happy thinking.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

*No Title*

I have no words for what I am feeling this night. It's an odd mesh of emotions.

I tried to prepare myself for what I would walk into. I think I did a pretty good job of the visual aspect, but not for the sounds. The emotional toll it takes you. I can now say I have heard a "death rattle". It's a very scary thing. I was not prepared for that all. I don't think you can prepare for that. My husband and I both were shocked at how it effected each of us. They say it could take up to week for him to pass now, but we are thinking in the next 24-48 hours he will go.

We said our goodbyes. We loved on him. We prayed over him. He hasn't moved all day. He doesn't even open his eyes. We know his kidneys are failing, and when we left, we thought he was feverish. I'm glad to have been given the opportunity to tell him how much we loved him and what he has meant to me and our family. This was a new experience for me. Everyone else has always been taken quickly from my life. To be able to be given this gift to say goodbye means so much to me.

This is such a weird place to be in. You see him, and you just want peace for him. You know that a part of you will rejoice when he passes because he won't be "like this" anymore.

There is another part of you that is sad. Sad to be losing a good man from our lives.

And then there is part that is peaceful. Peaceful that you know the end is near. Peaceful that you KNOW where he is going. There are no questions about that. I can't put into words the comfort there is in KNOWING, beyond any doubt, that your loved one is going to Heaven. To know you will see them again some day is a wonderful comfort. It frees you up to not only mourn, but to rejoice as well. Sounds a little nuts, doesn't it?

My heart goes out to "Great Mother" during this time. She is handling it all pretty well, but I can't imagine how hard it is to see your husband go through this. Her life is about to change dramatically. I know her to be a strong person. And seeing her in tears tonight was hard. I love her.

I am amazed at how well the family is doing, considering. That's not to say this isn't hard on them, it is. But they have all drawn closer during this time and have relied on their faith to help carry through. I am thankful for every single prayer that has been prayed for them. It is my hope that people will continue to lift them up in prayer.

My children...what will I do? They already have cried over this. They want to say their goodbyes too. My husband and I cannot agree on what to do.

There will be viewing the evening before the funeral. My husband does not want our children to go to this. It will be open casket and he is afraid of what seeing a dead body will do to our 9 and 5 year old. I think they should be there. I had seen dead bodies as a kid. That's what we, their parents, are here for. To help them deal with and process this. He thinks it will be too much for them, especially our 5 year old. However, I was told that our toddler would be welcomed at this event.

The funeral is the following day. I know my youngest cannot go to the funeral. She is not even two. I cannot be chasing her around the whole time (if you know her, you know she is in constant motion). Especially if my children go. They will need their mom to help them deal with this. They have never really been old enough to deal with a death before. And with my husband speaking at the funeral, this will be my burden alone to bare. (I'm okay with that). My husband prefers our children attend this event instead. But here is where I am running into problems.

My eldest has state testing next week and is preparing for it all week this week. She really can't miss school. Plus, I have no one to watch our toddler. I'm trying to find someone but it's hard when I still have no dates or times yet. It's all "sometime this week or next".

So I am worrying about this on top of my mesh of emotions this evening. I feel drained of energy. Numb. All I can do at this point is pray and take everything as it comes.

I am amazed by husband. I've known he is a good man, but to see him tonight... He was able to be there for others while still processing things himself. He was able to really connect with his family and even make them smile and laugh on occasion, while still giving rise to his needs too. To see him so strong and so fragile at once...there are no words. He truly amazes me.

I am going to continue to pray for Bruce, his family, and my children. I can only ask that anyone reading this, please consider doing the same.


I hate goodbyes. Always have.

We got the call tonight. We're going to say our final goodbyes. He is now off all meds and no longer eating. I think the general consensus is sometime in the next 24 hours he will be with Jesus.

I'm not sure what to expect, but I know I want to go and tell him how much I love him and how much he has meant to me. I can't stop the tears. I'm going to try and pull myself together before we leave here in just a little bit to go.

Bruce Gettys was/is a good man. He has left an imprint of love, strength, courage, and faith that will go on in this family for generations. Saying goodbye will not be easy for any of us. But I know we all take comfort in two things:

1. He will no longer be in pain
2. We WILL see him again one day. It is such a comfort to know this.

I smiled to myself a little bit ago thinking "wow. He gets to see Jesus. I'm so jealous".

My kids loved their "Great Dad". My husband looked up to his Grandfather and respected him, loved him; as do I.

This is not the first time I have lost someone I love, but it will be a first for many on my husband's side of the family. Please keep us all in your prayers. Especially his wife and children.

I hate goodbyes, but at least this one is temporary.