Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Journal Entry from Memorial Day 2011

I keep a hand written journal. I started back in March, a month into our process of building this home. It's been a while since I have blogged here, so I thought I would share my entry from last night.

How did I get here? How did I get to this point?

Tonight, sitting on the couch, holding hands with my husband, I had this . . . urge?. . . feeling?. I wanted to tell him that soon (50 days or so) we'd be in our new home, and how I couldn't wait. I can't really explain it, but I'll try.

I wasn't wishful thinking. It was if it had already been done and determined. All day I have been excited and anticipating this coming week. I have been waiting expectantly for an approval, a final approval, on our mortgage loan. But as important as that in itself is, tonight was different. It was if I already knew. As if I had already gotten the answer. As if it had already been done. No wishful thinking. No hoping. No maybe, or if it's God's will. It was done. It was as if it were final. That's the best I can try to explain it. It was...different, unlike anything I've ever known.

How did I get here? Three (maybe three and half) months ago, we set out on this journey to get a new home. We faced stumbling block after stumbling block. No one seemed to believe this could happen, even those in my own family. Some started out with more faith than they have now. We were told "NO" so many times. But we never gave up hope.

Then the day came we were not only told "NO!", but we were told it just wasn't going to happen at all. Basically we were told it would take a miracle and to just give up for a while (another year or two). The world had told us "NO!".

I remember thinking we'd lost the house. My husband was crushed. I even wrote about that night in this very journal. It was gone, and yet I was surprisingly okay. I was more worried about my husband and kids. I mean I was upset, but not destroyed. I remember turning to the Lord and trusting Him to take care of us. I remember the relief (and dare I say joy) I felt in the fact that we may be losing (or have lost) a big dream, but that I wasn't turning away from God, but instead I leaned on Him and trusted Him to see us through. That was a HUGE step for me.

So many times I prayed for this and over this home for us (some of the time on the lot itself). So many times I told Him I would trust Him and follow Him and love Him, NO MATTER WHAT!. Even if we lost the house. And now, here we were, being told "NO" for the 4th time, and also being told to give it up. It wasn't going to happen for us, at least not now. We were told our dream was over, gone. And here I was, keeping true to my word to trust in Him. And it wasn't forced or hard. I wanted too, and in the end it brought me peace and comfort.

the very next day we got a pre-approval from another bank. And it's been a journey of waiting and patience ever since. And it hasn't been easy, as so many of my entries show. I struggled.

And tonight, I sat here feeling these things. Today, and for several days, I have been in this place of waiting expectantly. How did I get here?

How did I go from a hope and prayer, to the world telling us no and loved ones losing faith and being unbelieving, to this place of faith and certainity I feel tonight?

it's been a long 3/3 1/2 months. It's been quite a journey. But to be where I am right now (for the 1st time in my life), it has been worth it.

I have gone from a dream, to a hope, to the death of the dream, to resurrected hope, to standing in a place of faith. And standing firmer than I ever have.

I know my journey is just beginning. But perhaps . . . Maybe . . . I have begun to build a foundation of my own to stand on. A foundation rich in faith. Let the building and journey continue . . .

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