Thursday, April 16, 2015


I can't believe I am typing this.....

I am almost 38 years old.  And I have attempted suicide 2x in my life. 

Once was in high school.  I had this guy that stalked me, harassed me, and threatened me.  It got so bad, even my best friends left me.  I found myself all alone.  I tried to cut my wrists.  But damn it hurt.  It got infected.  I told everyone it accidentally slammed in a locker.  Most bought it.  In high school no ones wants to be around drama.  And he made my life drama.  If they thought it was being a friend to someone going through it.... well.  I wish they would have put their selves in my shoes for just 5 minutes.  But at 16/17 years old, the world only revolves around you.  So I lost everyone.  That was my first attempt.

My second attempt was just approaching my one year anniversary of marriage.  Yup.  You read that right.  Our schedules were so different.  I felt so lost and alone.  My husband and mom saved my life. Quite literally.

I am not going into great detail, obviously.  But I have attempted 2 times in my life.  The last time left me in the hospital fighting for my life and facing some psychologist.  To this day I think they were too tired by 5 a.m. to really see the holes in my story.  Who lets someone go home who tried OD on pills and booze while trying to cut their wrists.... every way possible?  Yeah.  I was serious.  I was done hurting in life.  I wanted to die.

Anyway..... I digress.......

I am now almost 38 years old  My marriage has been to bottom and come back.  I have 3 awesome children.  I still struggle in life from time to time.  But I can tell you this....  Life DOES get better. 

Someone out there will love you... just how you are... damaged and all.

Someone out there will see you more than just a sex object.

You will find people who really do give a shit about you!!!  (not in high school though...)

You are worthy of love!

You are beautiful!!!  Just how you are!!!

Don't give up hope!!! Life may be hard now (ok... so it down right sucks now), but I promise you it does improve!!!

I have an amazing relationship with my same husband now.  I have 3 amazing kids.  Life isn't always easy... trust me.  But I can't imagine doing life without any of them.  I have finally accepted love... true love.  And I have learned to love unconditionally.  It's easy to learn to love.  It's hard to accept love... real love... for yourself.  Especially if you don't love yourself.  How could anyone really love you?  You are so damaged!  Right?

I am here to tell you, don't give up!!!  Life DOES improve!!!  I promise!!! 

And in case you say our stories are very different.... let me tell you...

I was molested by a preacher's son
I have been raped... more than once
I have been in relationships that were emotionally and physically abusive and manipulative.
I lost my dad when I was 11.
I was stalked, harassed, and threatened.  I was slandered and rumors started... yeah.
I lost all my friends at one point and was completely alone in the world (or it at least felt that way.  I guess what I was going through was too much for them.  Hell the last half of my Jr. year and most of my Sr. year my theme song was Kiss Off Into the Air by Violent Femmes....and yes... I tried to OD a few times but never actually did it.)

There is not much in life I have not lived through.  And it has taken time to forgive a lot of people.  But I have learned this:  Forgiveness is for you, not them.  It doesn't let them off the hook.  It just frees you from the hate, bitterness, and so on.  It frees you.  God will deal with them.

I still have some demons, but I can tell you this... NOTHING is worth your life.  Your life is an amazing gift.  Even if it doesn't feel like it right now. 

Don't give up hope.  Please.  Seek help.  Confide in a friend or family member.  Call the hotlines.  You are worth it.  Your life is worth it.  You are amazing!!!  And your life will get better.  I promise.  Just don't give up!!! 

From survivor to another (b/c trust me.... you ARE a survivor), life is worth it.  It DOES get better.   And with any luck... one day... you'll face these demons and beat them... and hopefully be able to help someone else.  But even if that isn't the case.... I can promise you it does get better.  You are worth it.  And love .... true love.... truly does exist.   It does.  Don't give up.  Please. 

I know what it's like to hurt so damn bad all you want is for it stop all cost.  I know what it is like to feel completely alone in world.  I know what it is like to feel unlovable, to feel too damaged.  I know what it's like to feel like no one will ever understand.   I know what it's like to feel trapped by your life.  And I know what it feels like to just want to stop hurting...... at all costs.  No matter the cost.  I KNOW. 

Please... I beg of you... if you are thinking of ending your life.... reach out for help.   I know it's hard to believe.  I know you can't believe it right now.  But it DOES get better.  You are stronger than you think!!!  I promise!!!

Don't give up.  If I would have given up I would not the wonderful marriage or 3 awesome kids I have today (6 kids if you include dogs.  lol)  Life isn't always fun or easy now.  But it's worth it.  And I have people now that support me and love me.  For me.  Period.  And life is so worth it now.  All of it. 

I encourage all of you looking to for a way to escape the pain, to seek help.  There is NO shame in that.  I promise. 

Life does get better.... sometimes we need a little help to get there.  And that's okay.  ;)  It's those of us who have lived through the tough times that can truly appreciate the good ones.  We have something special to show the world..... how to overcome and love in spite of life and it's cruelty.  We aren't "role models".... but we know what life can deal out.  And we know, eventually, that we are more life's circumstances.  We are more than the hurt.  We are amazing.