Tuesday, March 29, 2011

God is Good!!

I woke up this morning and the Lord told me: "Be still and know that I am God." I knew it was scripture and looked it up. Psalm 46:10

This brought me peace. And every time I felt like I was getting worried or upset by something, I meditated on this scripture and it brought me peace today. It's been a restful day.

This afternoon I had thought of the scripture once more, when shortly there after, my phone rang. It was our Rep. calling to confirm our appointment with her tomorrow at the model home. However, she brought other news with her as well.

Apparently the developer has decided to discounts some of the lots again. Since we are under contract already, we weren't included. Our Rep didn't think that was fair and went to bat for us with her manager and they went to the developer. She told me when we come in tomorrow for our meeting, that we needed to decided how to use several thousand dollars in FREE UPGRADES we are getting because of this.

WHAT!!! She didn't have to do this. We would have never known!! But she did. And now, the amount is enough to cover the Morning Room we wanted but couldn't afford.

Wait. Did my heavenly Father just give me a free room? One I had wanted but didn't even pray to him to ask for? He truly knows the desires of one's heart!

God is sooooo Good!!!

Monday, March 28, 2011


Hope is more than a word; it's a state of being. It's a firm belief God will come through. Life brings rain.Hope turns every drop into the power to bloom like never before.
-Holley Gerth

What a day

It's only 1:20 in the afternoon and already today had been....heavy? Extreme? EYE OPENING!!! But not in the horrible ways this makes it sound.

I apparently have had some Divine appointments lately. And the one today (which is continuing from a few days ago) has been incredible. Hard, but in a good way. A great many truths about myself have come to light. Who likes to look in the mirror and face the dirt on yourself? No one. But, if you can't see it, you can't clean it up. Right? Time to find my broom, mop, and some heavy duty trash bags. lol

So I'm having this really eye opening conversation all morning, and some friends on FB have been busy posting. Here are some of the little things that jumped out at me today:

"The weaker we feel, the harder we lean. And the harder we lean, the stronger we grow spiritually, even while our bodies waste away." - J.I. Packer

It may be rainin' but there's a rainbow above you....

I walked outside and looked up at the dark clouds that were just starting to part with sun beams breaking through. And at that moment, a bald eagle flew out of the breaking light and over my head. I know God is good.

unveil the eyes Jesus.. to see your beauty! Radical freedom to love You Poppa!!!!!!! Come Holy Spirit come......... Rivers of living waters wash over us!!!!!

Good Morning! It might not be the sunniest day...but it is a NEW day.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Twenty two years ago today

Twenty-two years ago today, my father died. He left behind his wife, his high school sweetheart, the love of his life; and three young daughters, ages 6, 9, and 11. Twenty-two years ago today my mother found herself a widow, being suddenly thrown into the role of both mother and father, while only in her 30's. Twenty-two years ago today, three young girls lost their hero. Twenty-two years ago today life changed forever for our family.

I could sit and recount the day it happened. I could sit here and tell the story of how we were told, when, what happened, who was there, ect. But that's not what this about. This is about honoring the two people who have been MOST influential in our lives, our mother and father.

My father was good man. He stood over 6 feet tall, with dark hair, olive-ish complexion (he was FAR from pale), strong jaw and cheek bones, and beautiful eyes. He was of a strong build, but had a bit of gut (I loved it!). He loved food and beer. lol He spoke with a German accent, having being born and raised there until high school. Yes, my father was German.

As a child I can remember him honoring my mother. He backed her up when it came to us children. He bought her gifts and flowers for no reason. He loved her. No one ever doubted that. They met in high school, married, had 3 girls and two dogs. The American dream.

We girls were his life. His LIFE!!! When mom went back to work (as you eventually have to do with three kids), he made sure to be home in the afternoon with us after school. He taught us responsibility. He also taught us how to ride our bikes and started teaching us how to cook. We started with easy stuff like PB&J sandwiches, moved to grilled cheese, and then started helping out with dinner sometimes.

Some of the fond memories I hold are:

Eating fried chicken in the back yard over a fire.

Walking in the rain.

Lightening watching before storms.

Teaching us the game about fun shapes in the clouds.

Every Christmas morning he made sure to give each of equal attention as he videoed us.

Our beach trip.

His funny faces.

Helping him in his work room.

Wearing his shirts to bed.

Going to the pool.

4th of July fireworks in the backyard

They way he "helped" with homework. LOL I think my mother can attest to the tears I shed in frustration sometimes. But he always helped me work through it. He always got me to understand. In seeing my husband help our Eldest with her math these past few weeks, he reminded me a lot of my father.

I could go on and on and on. The point being he made time for his family. He made sacrifices, including getting up at 3 a.m. to be home with us in the afternoons. He was an honest man. A man who valued family. He loved to make others laugh. At family gatherings, you almost always heard his voice above the others. He got loud. LOL He was a man's man, but he also cherished his girls...all four of us. He taught me to be myself. And that as long as we had family, we were richer than all the millionaires of the world.

I miss him. More than words can say. More than most people could ever understand. He was my hero.

My mother, wow. I am about the age she was when she lost my father, with three young girls of my own. I cannot imagine how difficult it was for her to lose the love of her life and suddenly be thrust into the role of both parents. I appreciate what she has done for us, more now than ever.

My mother is woman of character. She has taught me strength, perseverance, grace, what sacrifice is, and the will to never give up. She is not only my mother now, but my friend. She has made more sacrifices in her life than most people do in their ENTIRE lifetimes. She lost her husband early in life. She dedicated the portion of her life directly after that to raising three kids and being a single mom. She worked hard and made sure to be home with us when we were home while we were young. She gave up any and every luxury, want, and some needs; just to give us children a good life and make us happy. She was constantly trying to make up for the loss of our father in our lives. She made some choices others didn't always agree with. But we know why she did it. And she made every decision out of love. She was amazing!! And still is.

While we were in high school, she kept her job, and volunteered to help us out with our extra curricular activities. Including working concerts at a local amphitheater to earn the money for our competitions, uniforms, and such; AFTER her day to day to job and on weekends. She never stopped.

She always supported us. I'm sure, looking back, there were times she must have felt over whelmed, and possibly even felt like she was failing us in some way or falling short. But she never failed us. She never fell short. She always gave her all, plus some. We were always loved. We were always taken care of. She met all our needs and most of our wants, all the while neglecting her own. She too is my hero.

Twenty-two years ago today I lost one hero, but gained another. Twenty-two years ago today our lives were thrust in a direction we never imagined. A family's worst nightmare came to pass.

There is still a gaping hole where he should be, here with us. He is still loved, admired, and missed terribly.

Had he not passed, I may never have known what an awesome person my mother truly is. Or met my husband and had my kids. I just don't know. I do know, that we have all tried to make the best of it. I do know that he will ALWAYS be loved, ALWAYS be missed, ALWAYS be our dad.

I love you, Daddy. I miss you. And one day, we'll be together again.

We remember.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

And just then....GOD SHOWED UP!!!

Ok, so today around lunch I get call from my hubby. They have had one customer all day. He said a 10 unit day would be a bad day, but now it would be a miracle. They really needed at least 15 units out. He sounded worried. He called to ask me to stop and pray for miracle. Because that is what it would take. I prayed while we were on the phone and again once we got off the phone. I prayed for at least a 15-20 car day. I also prayed for over 20 cars, and for that to be sign to us about the house. Back to this in a moment.

Late this afternoon I took my kids (along with my mom, sister, and nieces) to a fundraiser for our local Humane Society. They had a raffle and my eldest was eyeing one particular object, a dog bed for our dog. She asked if she could use the last of HER money ($5) to purchase raffle tickets. I told her it was her money, and if she wanted to donate it to this cause, it was fine by me. They got to see kitties and puppies and such. A friend of ours volunteers there and showed up to "work" the event. It was good to see her!

Later on tonight I got a text. "someone special in your house won something!" On our way home we stopped by her house to pick up the dog bed (she was nice enough to bring it home to give us!). She said the volunteers bought a ton of tickets and won everything but this. Emma won this.

I looked at our daughter on the way home and told her:

"Emma, you need to say a prayer and thank God for this. He has given you a gift. He knew the desire of your heart, and has given it to you. You were the ONLY non-member/volunteer to have won anything. He loves you. Thank Him." =)

Ok...now back to the beginning of this story. I just called my hubby (He was working extra late selling 2 units! YAY!!). I asked him how the place did today. He put me on speaker with his boss.
He asked his boss "Would you say that today was a miracle?"

His boss answered, "Yes! Yes I would. Today was miracle?"

So I asked how many units they sold. You ready for this?


He not only answered prayer, but he went above and beyond it!! He showed up!! Twice today when you think about it.

Now I will not presume to think that this means we will get the house. But I think it is so incredibly awesome that He has shown up today like this.

God is good!!!

I'm so magoo sometimes! lol

Today I received the testimony of Godly woman and her family. She recounted to me the struggle she and her family went through getting a new home. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for them during that time. To hear her tell it now, wow. She makes it sound easier than you know it must have been. She has a great faith I can only one day hope to have. She and her story are a blessing to me and give me something to aspire too.

In my interactions with her, I was telling her about our journey. And I sent her some links to some of my blogs. In the running tidbits one in Feb., I had written this:

"2/20/11: There is no storm too big that isn't followed by a rainbow (The night that we went through believing for a while we weren't going to able to get a home at all for another year. It devastated us on so many levels. But it made Wes realize what he liked and wanted.)on FB by a friend"

Not a month later I wrote another blog entry about rainbows and storms, sparred on by a FB comment on my page about rainbows after storms on one of the worst days I had faced in a while. I had totally forgot about this previous entry. Was that another "tid bit"? A reminder that there does come a rainbow and this whole mess I have been walking through maybe actually have a good outcome somewhere?

Looking back on it, that second FB post came on one of the worst days my family has seen. It was definitely the worst in many many years. Was it meant as Word of Hope and I just missed it? I was so caught up in my emotions that night.... Sometimes I'm way to Magoo and miss things. =/ I wasn't in a place to really hear and receive it that night. But maybe now.... maybe....

Lord, I need CLEAR answers. Please...PLEASE!!!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

If nothing else

It would seem that the most supportive people in our lives with this whole house fiasco, are the one's I have met online. More and more it is becoming clear that those closest to me are just pretending. I don't want their fake support. No thanks.

I have tried standing on faith. I have prayed, and prayed, and prayed and PRAYED. I have declared. I have stood on faith. Just to have it all crumble beneath me.

I know this last ditch thing we are trying is probably going to fall through. Everyone...EVERYONE has said no to us. Everyone thinks they can do it, but in the end, they can't. I just can't hold on to this hope anymore. Not like I once did. I am weary and worn out with it.

They want us to pick colors, flooring, fixtures, and do the wiring plans so "when you get this loan we can jump right to building". *sigh* We picked the exterior colors yesterday and go tomorrow for the floors and such. Wiring meeting in April. I can't enjoy any of this. I don't any more. At least, not like I should.

Are we doing these things...of course. For two reasons:

1. The story of the farmers in scripture. There were 2 farmers who needed rain and prayed for it. One farmer prepared his field for it, the other did not. Guess who got the rain? In the same, we are preparing because we haven't given up all hope. But it's not what it once was.

2. There are FREE dates with my hubby!! We get to go and be creative for free. lol I know it sounds silly. And yes, Sara is with us, but we try. We don't get out much with 3 kids. SO anything fun and free is worth the time, even if this all does fall through.

With every passing day I become more resigned to staying here. It will be what it will be. *shrugs* Interest rates did drop a half a percent. Did you anyone know that? Wouldn't it be something if all this happened so we could get a lower payment?

But to know the thoughts of others close to me, hurts. Several have messed up and said "what happens when you don't get this loan? I mean...if you don't get this loan?" BUSTED!!! It's been more than one person. I refuse to let people speak that over us.

I keep going back to the little things I felt like God told us as confirmations. I try to stand on those. I do. But like I said, every day I become more and more resigned to staying here. Will I be sad. Yes. I HATE IT HERE!!!! But life goes on. Devastated? I already have been. Over and over and over again. I am beginning to expect a "no" answer again and have to wait. Sad, isn't it. That one can start out with so much faith, but after weeks of battery of Yes, maybe, no, cycle has worn me down. I have enough going on. So you can say I have been somewhat conditioned to another "no" answer.

This whole process has taken a toll on me and my relationships with others. I know now who I can trust to be supportive, and who I can't. I know who is really there, and who isn't. Very eye opening. It hurts. These insights will definitely have an impact on those relationships.

As if I didn't have enough reasons to want to leave this place, now I have one more...as HORRIBLE as it is. I want this loan for all the same reasons I always have. But now, I admit, I'd love to get it just to show all those who have not been supportive that it wasn't all for nothing. My flesh cries out for justice. It's wrong, I know. It also cries out that I shouldn't share my good fortune (should I get it... please God let us get it) with those who have been un-supportive. But deep down, I love these people. Deep down I know that would be wrong. So I won't be that way. But I'd be lying if I said a part of me didn't feel that way. No matter how big or little that part is. It's still there. I will have to work on this.

So, tomorrow, my man and I are going to pick out the floors and lights...because you never know. (taking baby bean with us...should be interesting. lol) If nothing else, we'll have fun.

If nothing else, we got my credit fixed (some stuff on it that shouldn't be)
If nothing else, I have learned some things about others in my life.
If nothing else, we've gotten a few dates out of this. Time together.

Please God, give me the strength to endure this journey, no matter the outcome. ~IJN~Amen.

things to remember.

James 1:2-8 (New International Version, ©2011)
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

Matthew 21:22 (Amplified Bible)
22And whatever you ask for in prayer, having faith and [really] believing, you will receive.

2 Corinthians 5:7 (New International Version, ©2011)
7 For we live by faith, not by sight.

Hebrews 11:1-2 (New Living Translation)
1 Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. 2 Through their faith, the people in days of old earned a good reputation.

Matthew 7:7-8 (New International Version, ©2011)
7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

blah...private ventings

Blah. That's how I feel right now.

On one front, things are good. My kids are awesome. My hubby is amazing. And in the midst of the family crisis, my family (aunts, uncles, sisters, ect.) are once again banding together. I love how my family is so close. We get together for EVERY birthday and holiday. Most of us live less than 10 miles from each other (yes..cousins, mom, sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncles). And the few who aren't here, we keep in touch with and visits are made as often as they can be. I love how close we are all. I wish all families could experience this. I draw a lot of strength from my family (including some of my in-laws as well).

I have been a bit run down lately. I'm not going to go into all the reasons, yet again. But some of the people I thought would be there for me, have backed off. Some of them have their own things going one. And maybe they think I'm crazy. Or maybe they are just tired of hearing it. I can't blame them. But I really need their support. I feel a bit abandoned.

I think they are tired of the this whole house mess. How do they think we feel. We keep getting told, "This is it!" And then we're told "This is your last option." And then we're told "No. Not this time. Oh but wait...we were wrong...try this." Just to go through it all, all over again. We are exhausted over this too. It's been one hell of an emotional roller coaster. I wanted people to be excited for us. And they were...at first. But now...They have all seemed to have left and I feel all alone on this roller coaster ride we are one. Just me and my hubby. I was hoping some of my friends would be along for the ride for support. And a few have stuck around...2. I am sooo thankful for them. I have found some people online who appreciate what we are going through and are saying prayers and being there for me. That has helped a lot.

About a month ago, I lost a friend I really liked over stupid stuff. Now to have more pretty much ignoring me, and some people close to me being very un-supportive, is weighing on me hard.

I know I will get passed this. I know in the end, no matter what happens, I'll be okay. I have a my awesome family and a few good friends. But it doesn't make this time in my life any easier right now.

I can see my mood swings lately. I fear as Sunday approaches, it will only get worse. I am under a ton of stress. Yes, this house thing is VERY stressful. My Granddad's health is VERY stressful. My kids being sick, somewhat stressful. More just sick of it at this point. And now I'm adding my emotional baggage with Sunday looming. I dread this time of year, every year.

I want to smile again, and really mean it and not have it be forced. I want to feel like everything is okay again. I want.... hope maybe? I have some. But it's dwindling. Fast. I am trying to hold on to it though...in several areas of my life.

I just needed a place to vent this out. No one wants to hear it. And this point, I doubt there are many that really care. I just need to let it out, so I can move on and move past this. This too shall pass. That's the good news. =)

Whatda' know

Last night before bed I had the strong urge to read James (book in the bible...only 5 chapters). I can't explain why, but the feeling was with me for hours and hit hard right before bed. So, I did. This is what awaited me:

NIV Version James 1:2-8
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,a]">[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

Message Version James 1:2-8
2-4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

5-8If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.

Huh. Interesting. =)


I am so sick of people who care about me NOT supporting me b/c either
A) they don't understand or
B) it's not what they would do or
C) both

Right now, I am at a point in my life where I need all the support I can get. I am not ashamed to admit that. We all go through these periods of our life. Right now I'm in one. I share what I share for support. I am quickly learning there are still people in my life who are not and will not be supportive because of the above reasons.

I made the mistake of sharing something today I KNEW I shouldn't have shared with someone because deep down, I knew they would crap all over it and me. I guess maybe I was hoping they would surprise me and prove me wrong instead of right. They lived up to my original expectation and were in no way supportive of anything. I knew better. I blame myself.

I don't think I'll be sharing any information regarding the house, loans, legal stuff, ect with people in my day to day life anymore. It's just not worth it. I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt by people I care about and who care about me (yes...they do care about me...most of them. lol)

I need to keep this part of my life private from those closest to me to avoid the hurt and disappointment in the future. Just because you don't agree with or understand something, doesn't make it wrong. Just because it's not for you or what you would want or do, doesn't make it wrong. Sometimes, you have to have faith in people and/or support them, despite your personal preferences.

So far, I'm not a big fan March. It's led to nothing but heartache and disappointment.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I miss him

It's been over 20 years. This Sunday he will be gone 22 years. I still miss him soooo much.

With everything going on right now, I could really use a hug from him and his common sense. He was my hero. I wonder what he would think of me having 3 girls, just like him and mom. I know he'd love them and my husband.

Man, I'd love to sit down with him right now and just talk. Tell him about the kids. How we struggling with this house thing and ask what he would recommend. Because we are fighting till the end. You could say this is our last stand. Wonder what he would think. Tell him about my Granddad. About his mental state and now the other health scare. Sometimes, a girl just wants her Daddy.

My baby sister is getting married soon. I'm sad he won't be there to give her away. She reminds me of him sometimes. And he would love her fiance' to death too.

My father was good man. He loved his family more than anything. He helped instill family values in us. He loved to play with us, but he was good disciplinarian as well. He taught us responsibility. He was the one who started teaching me how to cook. Can you believe that? When Mom went back to work, he was supper supportive. He treated her like a queen. I only ever saw them argue I think twice. lol At least that I can remember. I'm sure they disagreed more often, but they were good about not letting us see for the most part.

He loved us all so much. You could tell it in his every word and action.

I could sit here and write about the tent he put outside, or the little Christmas tree he got for down stairs, or our walk in the rain, or going to work with him, or trips to the pool, or his April fools joke with the lawn mower, or any number of things. But I miss the sound of his voice. I miss cuddling up to him. I miss the way he said my name.

With life so stressful right now, I could really use my dad. And wouldn't it figure that all this stress would come along right around the anniversary of his death. My luck. lol

I love you Daddy. I always will. I miss you.

Monday, March 21, 2011


I just don't know how much more bad news I can handle. I really don't. And tomorrow, I'm pretty much guaranteed to get more (granddad's health).

Sick kids. Find out another one has asthma. Lost the house/home/dream. My granddad's illness got worse, and now we are facing cancer with him too. I'm stuck in a place I LOATHE for another 12-18 months. We need to build credit by making a large credit purchase and paying it off. Well, we don't need a car and we have everything we need but a home. So at a loss at how to do that when you don't need to buy anything. And don't want to "just because". That's how people get into bad situations.

I feel like my sanity and life are cracking all around me. God, help me hold on, because I think I'm slipping.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

storms and rainbows

Someone told me tonight, that you need thunderstorms to appreciate the rainbows. I have so many thoughts on this, ranging all over the board.

My family was rocked to it's core today. A man we love is now in the hospital.

Alzheimer's is in no way a fun disease. It reeks havoc on families.

So many emotions tonight. Relief. Fear. Love. Uncertainty.

I am sitting here, a modge-podge of emotions. Both full of so many them, and yet so numb. And yet, the one question we all want answers too, "What happens now?", has no answer. We just have to keep putting one foot ahead of the other. One step at a time. One moment at a time.

Is this storm brought about to help else dwell on the wonderful, strong man he once was? Is that rainbow? Or is it to bring us together once again in the face of adversity? Because, let me tell you, my family has seen more than it's fair share of that. Too many good people, good men, lost before their time.

Storms scare us. They are rough. They beat down upon us. Sometimes they are so loud and hard, they drown out our tears.

Storms and rainbows.... What could the rainbow to this storm possibly be? And when will it appear? At then end of the storm right? Isn't that when most rainbows appear? Is it that the rainbow to this part of the storm be that when this storm ends, it's over? Is that it? The rainbow is the signal to the end is here? I'm not so sure that's a rainbow we want to see. Then again, I'm not so sure it isn't as well.

Rainbows..... Some say there is gold at the end of them. I'm here to tell you, I don't foresee any treasure awaiting at the end of this "rainbow".

You know what? Rainbows are fleeting. They don't last but a few moments, and then are gone. Storms are going to come again and again. That is a given. And not every storm has a rainbow. Something pretty and beautiful to look at when the storm is over.

I don't see any rainbow for this storm.

Perhaps some will say that the strength of my family and our closeness is our rainbow. Our something beautiful to look upon. But I disagree, for several reasons.

1. My family's strength is ALWAYS present. It doesn't fade.
2. My family's closeness can ALWAYS be counted on, no matter the miles between some of us
3. These tributes are his legacy. They are what he has taught us. They will always remain. They will not fade away like a rainbow does. When this storm passes, they will still be here. Just as they have been with every storm we have weathered.

I see nothing beautiful going to come out of this. And right now, Alzheimer's (as far as I can tell), is a storm to be weathered. There isn't any real preparation for it. You have to wait to see the path the storm takes and then re-act accordingly.

This storm is a dangerous storm. This storm is monster of a storm. It's a storm I'd wish upon no one. But since we have no choice on which storms come our way, I can at least say I am blessed enough to be weathering this particular storm with very best people I know.

Storms and rainbows.....sometimes....there are no rainbows. Sometimes, you leave a storm battered and bruised and beaten down. Sometimes, you are left in the aftermath asking why. Wondering how you are going to pick up the pieces and move on. And then you remember.... one foot in front of the other. One step at time. One moment at a time.

Have mercy Lord. On him. On us. Help us. Give us strength to put one foot in front of the other.... now.... and after. Amen.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

What to do in the storm?

I was sure by now
Lord, You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say, Amen and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry, You raised me up again
But my strength is almost gone
How can I carry on if I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
And as You mercy falls I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

~Praise You in this Storm by Casting Crowns

A great song and reminder

Monday, March 14, 2011


I haven't written since my poem I think. So I figured I'd sit down this afternoon and write. About what? I have no idea. I'm just gonna write what's on my heart.

So far 2011 has been hard. I was so happy to see 2010 end. I was so sure 2011 HAD to be better. So far, not so much. But, my marriage is definitely better than it has been the past few years. It hasn't been an easy run of things. But I'm so glad we worked through it. He is amazing. He is wonderful. He is my best friend. Not perfect, but perfect for me. I have removed the "D" word from my vocabulary. Never to be uttered again! =) It's nice to know that we can fight, fuss, disagree, bicker, argue, not see eye-to-eye, or any of those horrible other things couples go through, and still know deep down that I am with my soul mate. I will never again question if I made the right decision to marry him. I know now, beyond all doubt, that I did. He truly is my best friend.

It's amazing how sometimes, such storms in life can strengthen your relationships. Other times, they tear them apart. My life has been topsy turvy for a while now. My marriage has come out stronger than ever. I am so thankful for that. Another relationship, a friendship, has ended. It's been on the fence I suppose since just about the very beginning. I am sad for that. But relieved too. No more worries about that. Kind of freeing not to worry anymore.

I feel like the winds of this storm keep changing. First it was relationships. Now, bigger things. The whole thing with us trying to get a house. It was hard to find a house we fell in love with, and in the end be told "no, not for another year to 18 months". There is still one little glimmer of hope. I am still praying for a miracle. But this hasn't been easy on my husband, me, or our children.

Then there is my Grandfather's failing health. This has hit me extremely hard. We have some answers, but even more open-ended questions that have no answers at this time. At this point, I'm just praying for mercy.

Through all of this over the past two years, I found myself wondering in wilderness, so to speak. Before all this even thought to come to a head, I cried out. He answered. There came a time where I felt all alone, abandoned. I thought there was no way the Lord would welcome me back. But he has. =) He never left me. I may have "wondered off", but He never left me. He was there with me. He experienced all I went through with me, by my side. I just had blinders on.

It's nice to be "home" again. I still struggle. But all of this has helped me find my way back to Him, and just in time. . . so to speak. He is merciful and full of grace. I am still learning about it all myself. Sometimes I find it hard fathom the depths of his love. There is a difference if feeling abandoned and actually being abandoned. He never abandoned me. No matter how I felt.

Each day is still a struggle right now. I still hold out hope the He might move on our behalf with the house, but I'm also a realist too. So the battle within right now over this rages on. Losing a friend is never easy, and I'm still trying to deal with this. And with the current situation with my Grandfather's health continuing to unfold (and not in a good direction), I struggle daily. My kids are once again fighting healthwise. I'm tired of being on this sickness merry-go-round. It's exhausting all on it's own.

Each day His mercies are new. Each day, I somehow have the strength to keep going and finding reasons to smile. I can only attribute that to His grace. I am relatively calm and peaceful. It's still hard, but it's nice NOT to be freaking out at every minute of the day. Definitely an improvement. Maybe the storm I have been in the past few years has helped me grow some. Maybe it's just God helping me. Maybe it's a bit of both.

I try to look out to the horizon but it's all just a blank page, waiting to be written. I don't know what the future holds, for me or any of my family. And looking out into that blank horizon can be a very scary thing, if you don't trust in the One who holds it all in His hands. Thankfully, I do.

Friday, March 11, 2011

THE STORM...by noey

The storm is raging all around
I run to You to quiet the sound
My tears are falling and will not end
Please, Your mercy, will you send

The waves are crashing into me
Strength to stand is hard you see
I need your help to weather this storm
In Your arms I'll be safe and warm

Help me, guide me, lead me please
Here I am upon my knees
I need your guidance, mercy, and peace
I need this pain inside me to cease

Please Lord, we need you now
to show up and show us how
Your love and mercy never end
to feel Your love and grace descend

Upon us now, and help us through
This pain we're in and confusion too
Hold us tight, and never let go
Right now, we need Your love to show



We have been advised that the economy tanking is NOT extenuating circumstances, because it happened to everyone. Grundle Mumph. They are thinking death, illness, ect. Kinda what we figured, but we had to try. You never know unless you try.

However, as silly as it seems, I am still holding on to hope. Hope that this will somehow still happen. I know the Lord CAN change things, situations, and people's hearts. But WILL He is the question?

I will not give up hope until the very last door is shut in our face. No matter how bleak the situation may seem.

I am still working on finding contentment here for the next year (or possibly 2). But my hope is not gone. Sometimes you just have to believe in something good.

Should this fall through, and every door shut, I will not abandon my faith. I have struggled with this question a lot the past week. And I have come to the conclusion that I know where my heart lies, and it's with Him. Now and always. I will have questions, as I do even now, but I have to trust He knows what's best. There aren't always reasons for everything. So I may never get answers. But having faith means believing without answers or proof or anything else we want in life. Having faith means loving Him and trusting Him...no matter what. It's not always an easy thing to do. Especially when you lose something you want and/or love. You want to know why. If this falls through, we may never know why. I just have to trust it's for the best, and do all I can to move on.

So again, I am sitting here, with some hope. Because....you just never know......

Thursday, March 10, 2011

*crossed fingers*

My husband said there was a small chance we could get an exception and possible get the loan. The requirements on line read:

"A borrower whose previous residence or other real property was foreclosed on or has given a deed-in-lieu (us) of foreclosure within the previous 3 years is GENERALLY not eligible for an insured mortgage. HOWEVER, if the foreclosure of the borrower's principal residence was the result of extenuating circumstances beyond the borrower's control AND the borrower has since established good credit (oh yeah), and exception may be granted."

Okay, I capitalized and I added the parentheses stuff. We did a deed-in-lieu and our credit is super above the 500+ something guidelines. Not too far off the 700 mark.

We paid our mortgage up until we filed bankruptcy. We were NEVER behind!!

As far as extenuating circumstances go, the economy tanked right then. Gas prices soared. First industry to suffer was the car business and my husband lost over $1000 a month in income. We were just happy he still had a job for the most part. I'm not sure if that would count as "extenuating circumstances beyond our control" but I can hope.

So, God help me, I have re-newed hope. It's all in the underwriter's hands now, so to speak. Will they or won't they decided that the economy dump and cut in pay are extenuating circumstances, and will they take into consideration we have NO debt but our van, have built our credit back up (by using credit a little and then paying off), and NEVER missed a mortgage payment.

I know it is a loooooooooooooooooong shot. But if you don't mind saying a little prayer, it couldn't hurt. I know I am.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I'm crazy

I'm scared. And you want to know why? Because....somewhere deep down, I still believe God could do a miracle if He wanted too. There is NOTHING my hubby and I can do to make this happen. It's in the hearts of those who make the decisions (some exceptions can be made). It's in God's hands. We can't turn a person's heart one way or another, but scripture is filled with examples of how God did. And somewhere down deep, I'm still praying for this miracle. That maybe all this has happened so that there was nothing we could do to make it happen. It had to be a gift from God...totally. And we'd have to know that. I'm crazy aren't I?

I'm scared what will happen when we get the call and all our money back. I'm so scared of losing faith. I'm scared of depression. I'm scared to look again. I'm scared what our future holds here.

Please God...one way or another.... I need you.

Please stop


We were suppose to go pick out colors for the new house today. Instead.....*sigh*

My wonderful husband still holds out hope for some kind of miracle. Last I heard, our best chance was for me to do the mortgage with a co-signer who wouldn't even live there. That's NOT gonna happen. I could never ask anyone to do that. It's not anyone else's problem. It's ours. It's so hard to have a dream with in your grasp and then have it yanked away. To bad it's not like a job where you can gather references. I'm sure a few people we know would vouch for us.

It just kills me. We didn't squat in the house. We paid every payment until the bankruptcy. THen we included the house so the bank could hurry up, get it back, sell it and get their money back. We didn't squat in it and waste our time and the bank's. Maybe we should have.

How do you file for a BK in Jan., go to court in March, have it discharged in April, the house transfer to someone else in Nov, and yet have a foreclosure notice in Dec.? We did a deed in lieu...not exactly the same.

Anyway, now we are waiting to hear if we have to wait 1 more year from the April discharge, from the deed changing hands in Nov. or the actual file date of December (which would put us into 2013 for a house). Yup....this was my day. This news. On the day we were suppose to be designing the house. *sigh*

This whole thing just sucks. I hate saying that, but it does. And I know we're blessed. I know things could be worse. But that doesn't mean it doesn't suck any less. And if one more person tells me "everything happens for a reason" I may slap them. Sometimes there are no reasons. Sometimes, life just happens this way. No reason needed. Just ask any mother who has lost a child, or wife who's lost a husband. When you have something wonderful in your hands and then it slips away, the last thing you want hear is "everything happens for a reason".

Today I cried and just was...sad. Felt everything was hopeless. Now, I'm angry. Bitter. I know I'll get my head on right soon. Maybe even tomorrow. But today, I'm mad. Today, I'm hurting. Today I don't want excuses like "everything happens for a reason". Today I want answers. I want it fixed. I want my house!!

Maybe this is all my fault. Maybe my sins have come back to haunt me and have ruined this for my family. Maybe I'm being punished. That's the ONLY thing I can think of as to why we were led astray...

I know my marriage has struggled the past 2 years. I know we are finally in a better place, and if it weren't for those struggles, we wouldn't be where we are today. I get that. But this is different. We asked for confirmations, got them. Asked for closed doors each step of the way, double and triple checking with our lawyer and an outside lender. Everything was good. We finally gave up resistance and believed that this wonderful thing was really happening to us, just to have the rug pulled out from under our feet. I don't see the reason in that at all. I don't understand the reason behind being led astray and then having a broken heart. Maybe it's not for me understand. Maybe there is no reason. So please, quit telling me there is one.

Quit making me feel worse by telling me things could be worse. I know that!! And I also know you are at a loss as to what to say and are just trying to help. But just hug me. Tell me it stinks. Allow me this pain. Just because it isn't the worse thing in the world, doesn't mean I don't have the right to feel terrible about this. Would tell a mom who lost a twin that it could be worse? She could have lost them both? NO!!! That would be wrong! You would just be there for her and support her, and let her grieve her loss.

I'm not saying this is in anyway on that kind of level, I was just trying to make a point. Let us grieve this loss. I don't see houses getting cheaper or interest rates going down in the next two years. So I don't see how this could be a good thing. I know, I know... I can't see the whole picture. Again, today I'm hurt and bitter.

A very good friend told me the Lord has wonderful things in store for me. Today, that is hard believe. I do believe Him to be a good God. But as far as something wonderful for me goes...I think this is my punishment. And unfortunately, it effects my husband and kids. And it stinks. I just want the best for them. I really do.

Eh. blah. I hate today.

Gas Prices...WAKE UP OBAMA!

I am at loss here. Gas prices haven't been this high in 3 years. And if my memory serves me correctly, they were high because we were in a war directly with the countries with whom we get a lot of oil. Right?

Flash forward to today. Libya, from what I have gathered from the news stations, is responsible for about 2% of the world's oil. Really? Just 2%? AND...AND AND AND....MOST of it is shipped to EUROPE!!!

So can someone please explain to me why our gas prices are sky rocketing? Other than the fact the crazy oil companies made a "prediction" last year that said the prices would be $5 a gallon by this summer?

And for that matter, these barrels of gas we are using now, weren't even bought at higher prices so why gauge us so fast now? CROOKS! The oil companies are crooks! It would seem like all they care about is the almighty dollar. However, they will be directly responsible for this next wave of economic crashing.

When gas prices go up, so do the price on food, clothing, and anything else that is shipped. They have to make up the gas expense. And if prices of staples like these go up, Americans will be spending less and less on frugal things. Thus tanking our economy once again.

My message to Obama:

HELLO OBAMA!! If I, a housewife, can figure this out, why can't you and your administration? You want to earn more approval points, STEP IN AND HELP THE CITIZENS OF THIS COUNTRY! You are going to allow the oil companies to take us right back into the very recession you have tried to get us all out of.

People HAVE to work to pay bills. Now, when gas prices sky rocket like this, it's not like the companies are compensating their employees' paychecks to get to and from work. More of their paychecks are going toward gas. Which mean less is around for bills and food and clothing and such. When this happened 3 years ago, people started struggling with paying their mortgages. Because gas to get to work and food in their kids bellies was WAY more important. Do you remember the housing mess you stepped into when you became president? Well if you don't do something, and soon, you are going to recreate it. Is that legacy you want? Taking us right back to the very ways your hope and change promised to fix? Your legacy will be that of an ineffective president, a liar.

I stay home now most days a week. It's depressing really. But I try to make my outings count these days. I may not have a choice in what to pay at the pump right now, but I do have a choice on how much of it I use. If I'm going out, I'm going to make it strategic. And no more fun outings for me and the kids either. No more driving to get dinner or dinner out, or ice cream at the ice cream place. No more park play dates for a while. I don't even visit my sister who lives less than 5 miles away as much these days. No more anything that uses gas I don't absolutely have to use. This is my way of standing up to these criminals. Does anyone else care to join me?

Oh, and in case you missed it Mr. President...that means I'm not spending my gas to go out and do things to further the economy. FIX THIS!!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
But long that we'd have the faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Boulder Dash!

If you haven't read my last two recent blogs, you may want too. The 2nd one from last night and then this mornings.

Ok, so last night, I tried to make peace and be content. And for the most part, I have. It's still hard, but it is what it is and I can't change it, right?


Because of this and that, and blah blah blah, they now think they can put the mortgage in my name with a non-resident co-borrower. Meaning: Noelle, we need for you alone to try for this mortgage and have someone who isn't going to live there, co-sign the mortgage for you. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Really? You want me to ask someone to co-sign a mortgage? It's not like you are co-signing for a student loan or a car. IT'S A MORTGAGE!!! They say it's our best shot. Um...no. Not an option. I would NEVER ask anyone to do that!! EVER!!! Even if I ever thought there was someone who could or would. That's just...not right. What are they thinking? I think they are grasping at straws here.

I could go into all the reasons why they think this might work...but why bother? To me, it's dead in the water. I understand they are in the business of selling homes and if they can do this for us...it's good for them too. But this is just crazy. It's apparently not meant to be. Please, have mercy on us. Let us let this go. We need to move on. I appreciate all you are trying to do. But I have no more room for false hope. Let us move on.

Today went pretty well, other than this. I handled all this better than expected and only teared up about the house once while talking to my family and cooking dinner. Today wasn't as bad as I had feared it to be. I really do have peace that we are good in hands and that HE has a plan for us. I hate not knowing what the future holds, but that is where faith comes in. Not knowing and still choosing to believe. I have faith. I know one day, we won't be in this house, and we will be someplace nice to raise my girls. A place where my kids will have enough room to play and have all their clothes in closets and not hanging off their beds. LOL

Not on our time...but His. One day, everything will make sense. One day, everything will work out. =) One way or another. =) In the meantime...we are going to going to be content, give our children stability by staying put, and just be happy we are all in this together. =)

A new dawn, a new day

Yesterday was a very hard day. By the time I went to bed I felt like had been beat up. Swollen puffy eyes that hurt (not mention I cried so much everything was blurry/foggy. If you wear contacts, you know what I mean). My body ached. In a matter of few short hours, everything changed.

We went from being on high to being devastatingly crushed. I went from disappointment, to hurt, to confusion, to anger. And then some kind of meld of all of them. And for moment...I was bitter.

I spent the evening grieving the loss of our dream. I had that right. And it was something that needed to be done. But when my middle girl climbed up in my lap last night again, and started balling her eyes out (she's almost 6), I knew it was time to calm my emotions and think rationally. It was time I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and moved on. I have to show my kids, they have to learn, that life is going to deal you some hard blows. And it's okay to be upset for a little while, but then you have to move on past the hurt. This isn't the first time I have had to do this. But I'm thankful that this time, I'm not doing it because I lost yet someone else I love (although that day is rapidly approaching).

The first thing you do when you don't understand why something bad has happened is look for an answer, something to help you understand why. We rarely get that answer. And if you sit around and keep waiting for it, you are doing nothing less than wasting time.

Then you look for "silver linings" so to speak. Yes it was our dream home, but we compromised on location of the nieghborhood, lot size, lot location, and one of the schools we were dead set against the kids attending, they would now attend. *shrugs* Eh...now no house, but we still have the hope of the perfect place....eventually (although sadly, we probably won't build it). It will probably be a home that was already lived in. And if that what it has to be, so be it. On a cul-de-sac would be nice.

We lost a house. A house, a thing. No big deal in the grand the scheme of life. We didn't lose each other or a loved one. And, we already have a roof over our heads (and yes, we are out growing it, but it's a roof and we aren't being a burden on anyone by living with them). Things could always be worse. We are healthy (well, the creepy crud is still hanging around, but no one is in the hospital fighting some horrible and/or terminal disease).

Now, I could sit here and speculate on our future. On rising interest rates (maybe this oil crisis will work in our favor until next year? lol), on my husband's income, what we'll be able to afford. But honestly, that does nothing but upset me. So what if it is going to be that way. What is worrying about it going do? It certainly won't change it. It will make me feel horrible. Not a good thing in either case. So why worry? It's going to be whatever it's going to be. I can't waste my time worrying about it. The best thing I can do is just move on with my life from here and accept that this kind of stuff just happens. That's life.

The truth is we have NO idea what's going to happen in the next year. My husband could lose his job, or get promoted. Interest rates could stay same, go up, or even down. We just don't know. But the Lord knows. I trust in Him. I believe us to be in good hands, HIS hands.

Maybe moving into that house would have been horrible for us. Maybe my husband would have lost his job and we'd be stuck with that house and no way to pay it. Or maybe on his longer drive home one night he got in some car wreck. Maybe living off the main drag, one my kids would have hit by a car. Maybe one my children would have fallen into the wrong crowd at school. You just don't know. You can't see the future. But I trust in the one that can.

What's one more year in the grand scheme of life? Really? One more year here. The rent is cheaper than anything else we can find right now. My kids are stable here. They have friends here and a school they love. It'll be okay. It is what it is.

I can't change any of this. The only thing I can do is accept it for what it is, find something in it to smile about (no matter how small), and move on. I am. I spent all last night making peace with this. Does it still suck? OH YEAH!! But I'm ok. My family will be ok. And we're in good hands.

Oh, and that something little to smile about? We are taking some of the money saved for house and going on vacation this summer. We haven't been in 3 years. It's time we go. We deserve it. =) Otherwise, we are going to pretend that the rest of that down payment money isn't there and keep living like we have been. We'll keep trying to add to it over the next year. And who knows what next year may bring!?!

Today is the start of a new day for us and yet an old one too. That particular dream may be gone, but there are always more to be had. And in the mean time, we will try and practice contentment. =)

Monday, March 7, 2011


We lost a house. A home. A dream. Yes. It hurts.

But I didn't loose a loved one tonight. I didn't lose a child.

Yes, we are hurting, but deep down, we believe God has a plan for us... to prosper us and give us hope.

Things could always be worse, right? That's not to say that we don't have a right to feel hurt or let down right now or confused. We do. But it could always be worse.

God, I did this before...once. I stood at Disney in front of the castle about to watch fireworks and I died to a dream. I gave up having another child. A boy in particular. But I remember saying that I give up having anymore children. I'd be okay with that. And I asked you for your dreams for us. To give me your dreams. I got pregnant that night with Sara.

Here I am again, in tears again, asking you to give me your dreams for us. Help us die to this and be open to what you do have for us. I know it will take time. But I'm in this for the long haul. Lead us Lord. Give us Your dreams. Tonight I die to the dream of THIS house. I die to having any new home now. I will wait for whatever it is You have for us. Help through this. We can't do this without you. I can't do this without you.

Your will be done.



Gone. Just like that.

We have been very very upfront with everyone from day one. We kept nothing hidden. A lawyer, 2 different mortgage loan reps with 2 different companies, and the rep of Ryan all told us we were good. Turns out , we aren't.

In Jan. of 09 we filed for bankruptcy, including our home.
In March we went to court.
In April of 09 it was discharged.

But somehow, in Dec. of 09 a foreclosure was filed on our last property anyway. We were never served papers. And yes, we had a change of address filed.

We are now are stuck for another year before we can get any loan anywhere for a home. Prices and interest are going up. That is NOT good news for us at all. What we can afford now, the quality home, will not be in our price range a year from now with interest rates over 5%.

It would SEEM as if we are stuck living in crappy houses, in crappy neighborhoods.

I am beyond crushed. I am devastated. Over and over again we asked all these people. Over and over again we were told no problem. Turns out, everyone was wrong.

Telling my kids was the hardest. My middle girl just broke down completely. "Why can't we ask someone else? Can Daddy get bonus?" Were just a few of the heart felt pleas she threw at me. I knew they'd be disappointed, but she fell apart...literally. Just fell down in tears. I caught her in my arms.

I kept saying I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Turns out I was right. I knew this was way to good to be true for us. We never had ANYTHING that wasn't a struggle or had some sort of horrible thing go along with it. And yes...my children are our biggest blessing, but even each on of their births came with horrible things.

All I want is a beautiful home in a nice neighborhood for kids to grow up in. I feel like we'll never get that.

We prayed this whole time for signs and confirmations, which we seemed to get. We prayed for God to shut the door if this wasn't for us before we took the next step. He never did. I am hurt. I don't understand how a loving God would allow this kind of pain. I have had enough damn pain in my life. And HE knows it. Not to mention the pain the children are now in.

Yes, my faith is shaken. Not entirely. I know who the Lord is. I still love him and will follow him. But my faith in how he is wonderful loving father who wants to bless his children and answer prayers and not lead us astray is definitely shaking. My core belief in who is has not changed. I still choose to love him, even if it feels like he doesn't love me. But right now, I'm angry and hurting. And I've told him as much.

Our dream was shattered tonight. And yes...this too shall pass and no one can predict the future. But going on all we DO know and how my life has played out, it doesn't look promising.

My poor husband is taking this as a personal failure. It's not his fault. That just kills me.

We are devastated. Crushed. My kids are hurting which only hurts me more. It would take a miracle for this turn around. But we aren't counting one. It is what it is. We. Are. Screwed.


So...here we are trying to build a house. Exciting stuff, huh? Unless you are me.

Do you how many meeting there are just before Construction starts?

Colors meeting
Flooring meeting
Guardian Meeting (electrical)
Pre-construction meeting
Pre-drywall meeting
2nd meeting with Guardian

Most of these I have been advised (by several people) last about 2 hours each.

Ok..now remember. I have a toddler who MUST HAVE her naps. She's a terror without them. Forget about meetings with a toddler who has not had a nap! After that the kids get off the bus. Time for homework and dinner. It takes my kids at least an hour for homework. So any hope of afternoon meetings are O.U.T.! OUT!

So morning meetings it must be! Bean is at her best in the a.m. anyway. lol Won't be easy, but it is what it is. HOWEVER my hubby thinks that all this should revolve around his work schedule (getting off at 6 at night on his early nights). Um...No. Building this home is a temporary thing. One of his bosses did it a few years ago. And amazingly, he was able to leave work and do what needed to be done. His boss knows about us building and is supportive of it.

I told him he was going to have to be late some and just work later to make it up. He was not happy with that. I am not either. My kids and I love having him home for dinner for the few nights a week he is home for them. But like I said, this is temporary. It's about priorities. We need to get all this out of the way so building can begin. We need the move to be done before school starts. I don't want to yank my kids out of one school and into another after the school year has begun (in August).

I am prepared to do these meetings alone if I have too. He knows that. It won't be easy by myself with Bean with me, but I can do it. He knows that too. But the thing is, I want us to do this TOGETHER! He wants us to do it together too.

I just have to pray that his boss will be understanding. Supportive and understanding are two different things.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Sinking In

We'll, we are officially building a new home. This is a new adventure for us. I am full of so many emotions right now. I literally fell to my knees last night in the kitchen while trying to make dinner, cried, and thanked God. I've been thanking him ever since!

I have been blogging (another blog) about our experience with trying to get a new home. I changed the name of it now to include the fact we are building. A running blog of the experience.

When I researched Ryan Homes online, a lot of complaints did show up. Good things too, but mostly complaints. But I also remembered that people who are satisfied go on with their lives. It's people with issues and complaints, people who are unsatisfied that take the web.

I thought I would keep my blog running and keep an honest account of what we go through and deal with. I won't sugar coat.

I became kinda proud of myself for doing this. But then a thought hit me, what if others are doing this too? And you know what? THEY ARE!! Just today I got a comment from some who are doing the same thing! (I changed the name of the blog last night to include Ryan's name).

I am now following several other blogs from people who are building with Ryan homes. The closest one is in D.C. Most are Penn. and Ohio. Hard to find anyone in the south blogging about the experience. But I'll keep looking. lol

From what I can tell, in the north, Ryan has closed homes with NO driveway yet. Several reported it having to be poured in the spring (they do have gravel in place for now). I can only attribute that to the awful winter weather they have up north.

I am excited!! A bit nervous, but excited! I still can't believe all this is really happening to us! It's too good to be true. We have prayed and prayed about this. We prayed honestly. Yes, that we wanted this home, but not if we couldn't afford it, would get in trouble later with payments, or it somehow did not fit into the Lord's plans for us. I'm in still in awe!

We've been pre-qualified for our loan. Meaning we meet all the qualifications of getting it, and the lender Rep does not foresee a problem. HOWEVER, it does not mean pre-approved. And when it goes to underwritting it's all in their hands. This is the cause of my concern. The qualifications state bankruptcy discharge of 2 years, a credit score of at least 580 (Dude...I'm well above that), and good credit history since.

On April 15th, we can officially send it to underwriting. We have paid off our credit cards (well, I have $100 left on mine which will paid off soon). I do have a blip though. A medical bill that went to collections. They IDIOTS sent the bills to our address from 2 freaking years ago . We had NO idea until collections called. I paid immediately over the phone. I am thinking they are going to want to letter stating what happened there. No problem. What ticks us off is that the collection people understood the issue and said it would NOT be reported on my credit since the error was not mine. It was reported. =/ This is when I wish I knew someone who was an underwriter who give me an honest thought/opinion about this. Sadly all we know is one lender, no underwriters.

Still, with every little tid bit that came my way that seemed to confirm this step of building, with the offer being so darn good, I believe that this is God's will for us. And yet at the same time, it's still so hard to believe that. I know, confusing, right? But we kept praying for him to close the door to building this home if it wasn't right for us. He never did that either. So, if this is truly a blessing he wants to bestow on us, I have to believe we will be approved by underwriting.

It's finally all starting to sink in. Slowly. I want to run back over to the model! LOL But it's a good 30 min drive from here and with gas prices, not a trip worth taking just because I feel like it. If I had someone who wanted to see it or a question about it or something to measure, sure!

We meet with our Rep on Wed. to pick out our color scheme. I think we already have it. LOL

I still find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that we are building a new home, in a wonderful location. A nice place to raise my kids!! And we plan on putting our roots down. This is our home for the next decade at least (or so is our plan). We will finally have a beautiful home, in a good neighborhood, to raise our three girls. A place we can all call home. A place we all love. How does it get any better that?

Thursday, March 3, 2011

bygones be bygones

So, a friend and I had this falling out. It all started with a misunderstanding.

I was hurt to say the least and wanted to wash my hands of the whole thing.

But I have come to realize that this person did mean something too me. So lately I have been thinking about the friendship, all the misunderstandings, ect. I had realized that friendship meant more to me than some of the childish antics that have played out.

I have tried to slowly reach to out the this person. Nothing. No answers. Someone close to them gave a reason for no answers that seemed plausible. Apparently she even told this person we were all good, so to speak.

Since the issue of no answer was resolved, I have tried again to reach out to them. Again, nothing. I am hurt. And despite what they apparently tell others, things are not fine between us. I am no fool. It is what it is. I will not chase after anyone. Especially one who has caused me great heart ache in the past.

I will still chose to be friendly when around said person. We'll call it "neighborly". The friendship seems to definitely be gone. It does hurt. But that hurt at least goes to show me that I really did care.

I have chosen to not hate. I have chosen to let bygones be bygones. I will smile. I will wave. I will say hello. I will still treat them as I always have, but will never again go out of my way for them like I had in the past. I will not hold on to any ill will or hurt. What is the point in that? I hope for the very best for them. We both are apparently going on with our lives.

Someone told me I was being the "bigger person". Maybe. But that's not what this is about. This about moving on and not holding on to toxic emotions that just eat you up and make you bitter. This about my way of having some kind of closure. My way of moving on and being happy.

Life goes on and so must we all it with it.


So... we submitted our offer yesterday on the house. We know it was a bit low, but we needed to them to know what we needed...a discount and help with closing costs. We were told the counter should be in today, but could be as late as tomorrow. There are no words for this place I'm in and how I'm feeling.

We know that the March incentives are different. $10k off where ever you need it and a free fridge, washer and dryer. The $10K off puts us about $3K off from the top amount we could finance and be comfortable with the payments. As far as the appliances go, we're hoping they will use that money to put toward closing instead. If they will just come down the other $3k (although we are hoping it might be a bit more...you never know!)

You just never know which direction things will go. You know?

So, we are waiting.... And I am surprisingly okay with that. lol

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

A break in the clouds

Some new information has come through. We have to meet tomorrow and re-adjust our offer.

This is one of those times where if this works, there is only one reason, God.

So we are going to meet tomorrow and do what little we can, and put this in God's hands. He will either close this door, or push us through it. We are at a moment where no matter what we do here, it is all in HIS hands.

As disappointing as it would be not to get this home, I know deep down, God has a plan for us.

We are doing our part and putting this in God's hands once and for all. Either we're all in this, or we walk away. No matter what, I chose to trust in the Lord.

Breaking point

I think I have a sinus infection now. I won't go into the gross details, but...yeah. At least I have some Amox. here to take.

Yesterday I got terrible news about a family member.

Today we find out some very disheartening news about the home we wished to purchase.

We're back to looking on the market I think. But because of the loan mix-up, we now have to look at cheaper houses. Cheaper houses that put us in neighborhoods like this one.

What's wrong with where I live?

A neighbor who is pothead who gets their stuff from the teenager down the street. The mom near by who tries to score of first said neighbor. (she should just visit the teenager down the street).

The bomb/meth lab found down the street.

The suicidal guy.

The grown men (20's and 30's) fighting outside my house...WITH METAL PIPES!! Yes, EMT's had to be called out.

I just want a good, decent neighborhood to raise my children in. I want a house where we aren't on top of each other. This one we rent is too small. The kids are hanging clothes off of their bunk beds!! There is no storage space or closet space.

I know I trust the Lord here. I know he has a plan. But right now, I am very disappointed. Right now, I don't know how much bad news I can handle or take. So far 2011 is sucking just as bad as 2010. Did you know someone in my house has been sick every week since the 2nd week in January? That alone is very stressful. Ask any mom. Now I have 2 sick kids, I'm sick, I'm not sleeping, the bad news yesterday, and the bad news today.

Yup... I am ready to crawl in bed and just stay there a while. I know this too shall pass. But right now, I'm at a breaking point.