Tuesday, January 25, 2011


I have, as of lately, surrounded myself with good people. Friends I can trust. Friends I count on.

I can honestly say that I have some of THE BEST FRIENDS a girl could ever hope to have. Some I have known for years. Some I have met through the internet and may have never met or only met once or twice. Others are I have only known a short time. But when I take stock of the people in my life... I am one lucky, blessed woman. I have a wonderful "network" of friends that I trust. That are there for me. And I pray they know that I'm there for them.

I have a great kids. A great family. Immediate and extended. I have great friends. I don't deserve this. I don't. But I'm so very grateful.

Tonight, I'm feeling grateful. Thankful. Overwhelmed by the good I have in my life. Please Lord, Let me give back to them all they have given me.

My family has been for me through thick and thin.....all of them. Aunts, uncles, cousins, mom, sisters, ect. My in-laws have been too. Not many married women have good relationships with their in-laws. I grew up seeing the dispute between my mom and her mother-in-law. But my in-laws are so much more than "in laws" . There as much family to me as my own.

My friends.... Jennifer I have known for 20 some years now. I love her. Andrea for the past 15 years. Love her. Then there are my mommy friends, Julianna, Dale, Nikki, Andrea, Tori, Erica, Jolene, and so many more if I took the time to name...would take too long. And there are my friends of the past year or two....Loren, Tiffany, ect., Then there is Jason, Jamie, and Anna. Three people I have met online, and have become an intricate part of my life. Three people who enrich my life beyond words. The women at church like Dar and Rae and Sybil, and a few others who never abandon me. Ever. And other long time friends....like Chris.

I love each of them. I do. I am truly blessed.

I am looking at my life tonight, taking stock of it. I am not perfect. I have made many mistakes. But the friends in my life don't hold them against me. My family doesn't either. The take me as I am. How many people out there want just one person to love them for who they are?

I am beyond words for what these people mean to me. Some I have been unable to mention...but they know who they are.

Who in the world deserves friends like this? I know I don't. And I can't imagine why they are here, but I love each them in some way. And am so very proud, and honored to call them friends.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

My eldest.

My eldest is 9. And tonight she wanted me to hear a song she heard a girl at school sing, "Firework" by Katy Perry.

She said she heard the girl sing a part of it. I had never heard it. She wanted to hear the rest of it. Gotta love youtube. lol We listened to it. She said she thought it was great song for those in life who feel let down, or weird, or like they don't belong. She thought it was a great song to give strength to people who didn't believe in themselves.

Wow. My 9 year came up with that all by herself. She helps out around the house. She wants to pray every time we see lights and siren go by, or if we see someone in crutches, a walker, or wheel chair while out. If I'm having a bad day, she's tries to make me laugh or smile in some way.

She's starting to think for herself. Her heart for others just amazes me. I am so proud of her. Maybe it's just me. But I think she's doing great for 9 years old.

Anyway...I just wanted to brag on her minute. She's isn't perfect by any means. But she's starting to "grow up", and it brings tears to my eyes.

I'm so very proud of her.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

round and round we go

Well, my 5 yr old got sick (superstar). It was horrible. The doctor was amazed she wasn't hospitalized yet. Her asthma complicates EVERYTHING. She seems to be on the other end of things now and finally healing. We'll see. She still has her moments. But at least they are getting further and further apart.

Now my baby (Bean...18 1/2 months) is sick. Croup. It's horrible. As I just typed that she awoke from her nap crying. She is now laying next to me on the couch. Only Mommy makes it better. This is SOOOO not her. She is my independent girl. Snuggling is NOT her thing. She only does it when she is super sick. A cold, sinus infection, ear infection...they don't usually warrant snuggle time at all. The only thing that really has is when she had the stomach flu for 3 days. The noise she makes during her coughing fits, when she is trying to take in air and breathe before the next cough comes, is heart wrenching. I couldn't believe how instantly tears welled up in my own eyes in hearing it. I hate this for her.

She crys, A LOT. That is how ill she is. Again, not like her. She usually doesn't shed a tear after 60 seconds for anything. The last time she did, it was because she broke her arm in a fall. I knew it was broken when she didn't stop crying. The few times a day she isn't crying, well, her eyes just water and water and water. They are so swollen and red. And underneath is starting to chap because of how much they water. She's so pitiful looking and sounding right now.

I won't even to go into how bad her little nose is. ='(

I keep taking breaks from typing to stroke her hair or rub her back. Anything to help comfort her. I'm trying to keep her hydrated as she does have a low grade fever. She usually loves food. Loves to eat. These days, not so much. But as long as she is drinking, I'm happy. And she is definitely drinking!!! =)

I'm ready to have healthy kids again!! They take their vitamins, they eat their fruits and veggies and yogurt. And yet, they seem to stay sick most of the winter months. It's frustrating. Not to mention expensive. But you know what? I'd pay anything to get them well again and keep them that way.

I have fought tears off several times today already. Her illness is just...it makes your heart ache to see her, to hear her. I wish there was more I could for her other than the steroids she is on. She tries to play. And does great for a few minutes, then she's coughing and wants to lay down next to mommy again. It is sooo not her. It's so sad. Maybe it's the lack of sleep we both got last night that makes me more susceptible to the tears today. Or maybe I'm just sick of having my kids sick and really makes me sad I can't do more for them. Maybe it's a bit of both. I know no matter how bad I feel seeing them this way, they feel even worse. =(

Funny. You decide to become a mom, and you know you are going to love someone in a way you never have before or ever will again. But you really don't know how deep that love goes until they're here. You think you know during pregnancy. But then they arrive. And your whole world changes. And every year that passes your love grows with them. You'd do anything for them. And nothing they could ever do would ever make you stop loving them. And when they're sick, all you want to do is move heaven and earth to make them feel better.

I just know that this illness merry-go-round will soon come to a stop. But until then, I will keep doing everything I can for them. I'll keep praying. I'll keep doing the mom thing, because that is what we do. We hide how much it kills us to see them that way. We show strength instead. And we do what we can until this too does pass.

Monday, January 3, 2011

a new year, a new start??

I'm sick. Literally sick. I have some kind of kick butt cold that's really wearing on me. And now today, I'm fighting nausea on top of it. BLAH. So this is not helping me. lol

My nerves are so close to being shot. I'm trying to stay in peace. I am. But here is my situation:

Currently, we rent where we live. We went through a bankruptcy 2 years ago and lost our home in it. We've been renting ever since.

My husband has been talking to a mortgage guy he knows. His friend says in April, once our bankruptcy has been discharged for 2 years (it will be in March...but whatever), we will qualify for an FHA loan at 4.75 % with only 3% down. SO..... we need about 5 grand....seasoned (not gifted. Sitting in savings for this). BUT...we can deplete the savings to buy the house and it won't matter.

My head is swimming. I want to move ASAP! I hate it here. Nothing good has happened here. I have made a good friend or two. My kids have made great friends. But this place is whack. A house down the street was busted for bombs. ADULTS fought right outside my house, one using a pipe on another! The guy behind us we think tried to commit suicide. This house in itself is not full of fond memories at all.

When we first moved here I was pregnant and going through the bankruptcy. Needless to say it was hard on me. It took a toll on our marriage and twice last year I asked for a separation. I need to get out of here. I want to start over again. I need to start over again. My marriage is FINALLY back on track and we both want a place to start over again fresh. For us. For our family. Not here amoungst the craziness and bad memories.

If I could, I would have moved YESTERDAY!! But it looks like it won't be until at least around June sometime. UGH. I don't want to wait. It's driving me crazy. lol The anticipation. The excitement. The promise of better days maybe?

As for my kids, I know leaving their friends will be hard on them. But I also think a new place, new memories, a happier mommy and daddy would be wonderful for them!! I do.

So even though I'm chomping at the bit to leave here, I am stuck in this waiting process. Waiting to save enough money (oh please God help us do that). Waiting for April to get here. Then waiting until we find the right place for us. I have all this pinned up....anticipation and hope and I don't know what, lol. And I have to sit on it. And as I sit on it. I worry. Where will the money come from? Can we still find a nice place like the one I found today? Will my kids be able to stay at their school ( a BIG thing for me. They need stay going where they are at).

So here I sit....full of anticipation, hope, stress, and worry....all at once.

I'm trying something I haven't done in about 2 years. I am trying to put my faith in the Lord. Telling myself He has a plan for us. That stressing out is NOT going to help me or my family. I just need to trust in Him. And in trusting Him, I have to realize that He knows my heart's desire, but He also knows what is best. When I get to this place...I'm okay. It's just staying here that's hard. But I'm going to try.

In the mean time....One step at a time. Pre-approval. My husband is on the phone with his guy now. Let's see if this goes how his guy thinks it will. One step at time. One hurdle at a time. Put my trust in the LORD, not man. No matter what.

I know, no matter how this goes, it will not deter me from the path I am on to renew my faith. That makes me feel good. =)

So.... here we go.... on this journey of a new year, a renewed faith, and hopefully (possibly) a new home.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Willing to fight

"I'll show them I'm willing to fight
I'll give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone"

We won't be alone.

I had high hopes for tomorrow. Church for our family for one. Now that won't happen. I could still take the kids and go. But I don't want to leave him here. I want him there. He NEEDS to be there. *heavy sigh* What do I do? Go without him? Or abstain, stay here, and slowly work on him? I don't want the kids to see their dad NOT going.

I have made resolutions. A healthier life. Both physically and spiritually. I am already trying! =) But I see him and it hurts. I can't make his decisions for him. I can't force him to change his ways. I can only be responsible for me. I can just try to live a life to be followed and cover in prayer, right?

The song I quoted above brings tears to my eye every time I hear it. EVERY TIME. I want this to be him. I want him to lead us. To be there. To fight. But I see now, it's up to me. I have to be willing to fight. I have to lead. I'm not sure I know how. But someone has too. And it's clear he is not ready.

A short conversation we had left me realizing tonight, that he really doesn't know me as well as he thinks, or I had hoped. My heart started to break. Then I realized where his thoughts and motives were, and my heart sank even more. I just wanted to give up. Breakdown. Cry. Fall apart. But then I realized, if I break, who's left to fight for us? Our marriage? Our family?

He is no monster or bad guy. He is good people. And I love him. I do. But I see him going down that very slippery slope. And I feel scared. I feel powerless to stop it. I'm worried. Worried beyond words. Scared is not a good enough word. It's more than that. I'm terrified. Because I'm on it too. And I'm trying so hard to not fall. And I don't want him pulling me down.

Terrified I will lose him to .... this slope he's one. That he will never become the man of God he was called to be. Never be the leader of this home, this family. I'm scared if I mention it, it's nagging. And then he'll just slip further away. Away from me, from the family, his responsibilities (all of them), from God.

So for now, I just need to a safe place to let it all out. This place seems good. Everything I put here goes un-noticed. I'm invisible here. That's good. This gives me a place to let out what I feel without going crazy or starting anything.

For now, I will work on me. It's all I can do. And pray. And hope that's enough to eventually get through to him. That he'll "wake up" one day.

He's a good man. He is. But I need more. Our kids need more. But we need more than the bills paid. We need a head of household. We need a spiritual leader. We need more of his time and love. I fear that will be disappearing soon as well.

I pray he will really get to know me again. He seems to have forgotten. I can't totally blame him. I lost me too this past year. But ... there are some things that are so...embedded in who we are....

Lord, help him understand me better. Help him off this slope I'm referring too. Help me to do what's right. Help us both to love You in ways we never have before. Help build my family into what YOU would have it be Lord.


UPDATE: shortly after posting this he came to me and we talked about a few things. It was nice. I am encouraged!