Thursday, October 30, 2014

Working it out

Something has come to my attention.  And I am not at liberty to say what it is for several reasons.  The main one being it is not my thing to tell.  But it has put me in quite a confusing place.

 I have spent days trying to figure out the best thing to do.  And after much thought and contemplation this is all I have come up with:

How do you make someone do something they don't want to do, but they need to do?  Even though you know the outcome will be messy and hard, it is still something you truly believe they need to do?
My heart is broken.  And it's not something I can just fix.  No one can fix this for her.  But I feel like her not speaking up is only going to allow her to continue to live in the mindset of a victim.

I can't force her to do a thing.  And I don't want to force her.  But I am at such a loss. 

I have contacted a few people I know who have some kind of say in the matter for help and guidance.  I feel like I am still in shock.  And I know she is. 

Oh God help us.  No matter what happens, help her.  Help us know what to do, exactly, without causing more harm.

This has got to stop. 

And help me know to do what is right.

Friday, October 24, 2014


She died a few a weeks ago.  Her funeral is tomorrow.  I can probably count the tears I have allowed myself to cry over her.

When I first found out she died, I was having lunch in a pub with one of my sisters.  We weren't alone when we got the news.  That was good.  We teared up right there, in the booth.  But no out right crying though.  We were in public. 

There was a night shortly after that, I began to tear up again, but wouldn't allow myself to cry.  I didn't know why.  I just knew I couldn't allow myself to "go there".

The other day I was over "her" way for the first time since her death.  I have avoided "over there" like the plague.  I had no choice this time.  There was a soccer game over that way.  As soon as I got close, I started tearing up again.  And yet again, I fought back the tears.

The soreness, tightness, squeezing feeling I have in my chest is not getting any better.  I imagine it's anxiety, with her funeral tomorrow.  There are times it literally hurts to breathe.  I had to take my kids out shopping for a few things after school today (it was a half day for them here), and the tears kept coming up out of no where.  And I kept fighting them back.  It's not good to cry and drive.  EVER.  So there was not time for tears.

I know I have to let this go, let her go.  I know I have to grieve her.  But I don't want too.  I don't want to grieve her.  I don't want her to be gone.  I don't want what that means for my family and the changes it will bring to our lives.  I don't want to miss her.  I want her here.  And if I do this, if I allow myself to cry, to let in the pain, and the grief; then it's real.  And she's really gone.  And I can't go on pretending she is still here.

How's that for honesty?

I know I have to do this.  I know have to go and say goodbye.  I know I have to quit pretending and let her go.  I have to let the grieving process really start.  Logically, I know all that.  But emotionally, I am just not ready.  I thought I was, a few weeks back, but now.... I am not so sure.  And yet, I can't keep stuffing it down (so to speak).  It's getting harder and harder to do that. 

I don't want to hurt like this again.  I don't want to cry over the loss of life over another loved one.  I don't want to miss yet someone else.  I don't want to say goodbye again.  Not to her.

I am so afraid to feel what I know is there below the surface.  And I am so afraid of what tomorrow brings.  I hurt so bad, and yet I don't want too.  I don't want to feel it. 

"Pain demands to be felt."  (AFIOS reference) 

It looks like that is very true.  But I am trying so very damn hard to keep it at bay. 

Grief sucks.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

That One Friend.....

There is this person in my life, and well.....  I guess I should start off by telling you about my friend.

This person is an encourager!  They have always encouraged me.  Every good thing in my life that went right, or if I had to fight my way through something, they were right there the entire time, cheering me on and telling me I could do it.  No matter how hard it was.  They never stopped believing in me, even when I did.  And that's no easy thing.

Every moment in my life when I failed or felt defeated, they were there.  Every time I didn't want to go on; they were there, telling me it was all going to be okay.  Even when it was the last thing I wanted to hear.  Again they would encouraged me.  They helped me find strength I didn't know I had, in so many different circumstances.  And sometimes, it was their strength, not mine, that carried me through.  I have to be honest about that.

When life devastated me and my heart hurt so bad it was hard to breathe, literally, they were there.  Every time.  I felt their arms around me, and felt comforted.  They brought me comfort.  They weren't able to fix it, make it better, or give me all my answers.  But they knew what I needed, and somehow, I made it through.  I still hurt, but I wasn't alone.  I still hurt, but I did make it through.  And even though I hurt, I could feel (and was thankful) for their comfort.

I do believe I have called on this person on just about every hour of the day at some point.  And you know what?  They never cared.  They listen, every time.  They comforted.  They encouraged.  And if I was absolutely in the wrong, they don't interrupt me.  They let me get it all out.  And after all the comfort and support and love they gave, they would gently guide me in the other direction.  Again no easy feat.

And me?  I have not always been a wonderful friend in return.  Sometimes life gets busy and days go by before we talk again.  And yes, there were times in my life where weeks passed, months passed.  Even years went by and we didn't talk.  They never pushed me.  But no matter what, they were always there when I came a calling again.  They never left me, even when I left them.  Loyal is not even close to describing this person.

And you know what?  There have been times this friend was there for me, and I turned on them.  I turned on them out of pain, hurt, confusion, anger, and many other reasons that are no good reason to turn on a friend.  And I am ashamed.  But they have been patient with me.  They forgave me.

This friend has loved me at my most unlovable moments.  This friend knows all my mistakes and doesn't care.  This friend has never once given up on me, even when there was a time I gave up on them.  And even when I gave up on myself.   

And so... this is to my That One Friend:

Thank you.  Thank you for always being there for me, even when I didn't think you were or didn't want you to be.  Thank you for never giving up on me.  Thank you for helping me get through this life, even when it hurts.   Thank you, Jesus, for being the best kind of friend a person could ever ask for.  I couldn't do life without you.  Thank you for helping to guide me.  Thank you for your comfort, encouragement, and strength.  Thank you, Jesus,  for showing me what true friendship and love is.  And for showing me the kind of person I want to be.   I am so proud and honored to call You my Friend.