She died a few a weeks ago. Her funeral is tomorrow. I can probably count the tears I have allowed myself to cry over her.
When I first found out she died, I was having lunch in a pub with one of my sisters. We weren't alone when we got the news. That was good. We teared up right there, in the booth. But no out right crying though. We were in public.
There was a night shortly after that, I began to tear up again, but wouldn't allow myself to cry. I didn't know why. I just knew I couldn't allow myself to "go there".
The other day I was over "her" way for the first time since her death. I have avoided "over there" like the plague. I had no choice this time. There was a soccer game over that way. As soon as I got close, I started tearing up again. And yet again, I fought back the tears.
The soreness, tightness, squeezing feeling I have in my chest is not getting any better. I imagine it's anxiety, with her funeral tomorrow. There are times it literally hurts to breathe. I had to take my kids out shopping for a few things after school today (it was a half day for them here), and the tears kept coming up out of no where. And I kept fighting them back. It's not good to cry and drive. EVER. So there was not time for tears.
I know I have to let this go, let her go. I know I have to grieve her. But I don't want too. I don't want to grieve her. I don't want her to be gone. I don't want what that means for my family and the changes it will bring to our lives. I don't want to miss her. I want her here. And if I do this, if I allow myself to cry, to let in the pain, and the grief; then it's real. And she's really gone. And I can't go on pretending she is still here.
How's that for honesty?
I know I have to do this. I know have to go and say goodbye. I know I have to quit pretending and let her go. I have to let the grieving process really start. Logically, I know all that. But emotionally, I am just not ready. I thought I was, a few weeks back, but now.... I am not so sure. And yet, I can't keep stuffing it down (so to speak). It's getting harder and harder to do that.
I don't want to hurt like this again. I don't want to cry over the loss of life over another loved one. I don't want to miss yet someone else. I don't want to say goodbye again. Not to her.
I am so afraid to feel what I know is there below the surface. And I am so afraid of what tomorrow brings. I hurt so bad, and yet I don't want too. I don't want to feel it.
"Pain demands to be felt." (AFIOS reference)
It looks like that is very true. But I am trying so very damn hard to keep it at bay.