Tuesday, November 30, 2010
I just want to matter. I mean really matter. But I don't feel as if I do.
Oh it matters if food is made or not. Or if the house is picked up. Or even if the laundry is clean or not. And he's great about helping me out with those things...usually.
But my opinion is never really wanted. And if it's asked for, it's only a smoke screen. I'm tired of not being important enough to be heard.
Why ask for my opinion on something if you really don't give two flips what it is? After 11 years of marriage, I have learned I don't matter. When ever he asks for my opinion on something, or wants to talk about something important, all that happens is that he wants to hear I agree with him. And if I don't, he won't listen to my points at all. He is stuck on his same merry-go-round of HIS points, why HIS way is right and MY was is wrong. He will argue with you, cut you off, and not let up until you give in. I'm running out of the energy I once had to fight with him about such things. He has NEVER taken my opinion into consideration when it came to anything important in our marriage.
I begged for another child, he had 101 reasons as to why we were done. So I gave up on it. (Thank you God for the redemption here! I did have a surprise miracle girl).
I did not want to take a second mortgage out on our old home. I screamed. I begged. I cried....A LOT. He wouldn't budge. In his mind it was STILL the right thing to do (even though we foreclosed on it during our bankruptcy). In my mind, if he would have just taken my wishes into consideration, we'd still be there.
Today's hot topic was finances and insurance and FLEX plan. It really didn't matter what I said. If I wasn't agreeing with him, I was wrong. When I don't agree with him, I always am in his eyes. He really doesn't value me at all. He makes every major decision on his own and bullies me into going along with it. And if I don't, he'll do it anyway. So why bother even trying.
Oh, don't get me wrong, I tried. I talked, I yelled. He just doesn't care. His way is the only way.
I'm so tired of being in a marriage where my opinion means nothing. His actions have told me over and over and over again that I don't matter. Just once, I wish he would really hear me and take what I am saying into consideration. Shoot, if he ever did what I wanted hell would probably freeze over.
Why does he even bother to pretend to care what I have to say on the matter? When it all blows up in his face, I'll still be there saying "you freaking fukktard...you should have listened to me." Not that it will matter. In his mind he will ALWAYS be right.
He's a good man. He is. He works hard. He helps around the house. His kids adore him. He'll even make me coffee and bagel or fetch a snack for me. But to me, at this point, it just really seems like he is kissing my butt to make me happy so I won't leave. How can a person stay in a relationship where in every major decision, they are cut out? Their opinion is never even really heard or considered. That's not a marriage. That's not a partnership. Not in my eyes. You don't bully the one you love into submission. He does that every time something important is on the line. And after the losing our home, I no longer trust him to make the right choices.
What is a girl to do?
I feel so left out in the cold right now. I feel so un-important. I feel like crying. No use in talking to him about any of this. Been there, done that. In one ear and out the other.
So here I sit. Mrs. Invisable. Good for the chores. Good for mothering the kids. Not good for much else. I want a REAL partner. I want it to be him. But he fails me every time. I am beginning to think that men will never get it. They will keep on going through life self-absorbed.
BOYS ARE STUPID
And I guess maybe we are too for believing in them. I no longer believe in my husband, or any man for that matter. I don't think any of them care much for anyone but themselves. And every decision they make is about them.
I have come to grips that the only people I matter too in this house are my kids. And even that's conditional...but that's kids for you. I will live my life being a good mom. Pretending to be the good wife. It's what I do. Need something clean, I'll do it. Dinner made on the table when you get in the door for work. Want sex? Usually that's yes...no matter how I feel about it. I wonder what it would be like to be with someone who didn't take me for granted? Who really gave a damn about me.... I'll never know. I'm stuck. With a really good man who just doesn't really care about me. It could always be worse.....
Monday, November 29, 2010
Now I have a TON of knee problems. Will need surgery eventually. My knee issues are due to my Flag line years. All my hard work and practices. All the dancing and running and marching on asphalt at practice, then a nice mushy field for the show. If I'd known then that I would be having all these issues (some days it hurts to walk or even just sit still), would I have done it?
We had basic training in early spring. All day every day for 3-4 days during spring break. I'm talking 8 am til 5-6 at night. Then practice twice a week until the summer. One for the basics, one for dance training.
Then routine week in June. A week of the same hell. Seven full days of it!! Practice all day, every day!! We break for lunch. That's it. A couple of water breaks, but hey.... we were #1. After this we still practiced twice a week. Then came band camp.
Yes...band camp!! This where our routine hit the field with the band. 8 am - 5/6 pm days a week. 8 am til 9 pm 2 nights a week. We break once in the morning for water, once for lunch in the afternoon. Once in the late afternoon for water. On the later days we broke for dinner too.
Then practice twice a week until school started. Then we had a 2 hour practice everyday after school. Hard when you became a junior and had to dash off to work after practice. Then we had 2 hour practice before football games, preformed at the game. Saturdays were a 2-4 practice before competitions. Then we went to the competition where we warmed up and practiced until time to preform. It was hard. It was grouling at times. Try practicing and warming up out in the snow, in 2 piece spandex!! Regionals and Nationals.... All day practice every day!!
It wasn't easy. It was hard work. It sucked up any social life you hoped to have. Your social became one with those that you knew in the line, in the band. Life long friendships were formed.
Would I have done it differently? Would I have not done it? Knowing that there are days were all the pain meds in my cabinet still don't do enough for the pain and it hinders my ability as a mom?
Well...Differently...YES!! Not done it...HELL NO!! I would have worn better shoes, not Keds. I would have worn knee braces. But I would NEVER have NOT done it.
I made great friends during that time (some I sitll have). I made memories I will forever cherish. I learned about discipline and hard work. I learned about rewards and consequences. I learned what so many young people today take for granted. Life is not easy. It's just gonna hand things to you. You have to work for what you want. And you have to work hard. But the payoff is worth it.
I pray my kids will be a part of something that will teach them the same things. Yes it was hard. Yes we complained. But we loved it. We did. It was a brotherhood/sisterhood. It was blood, sweat, tears...literally. But when you are named #1, it was all worth it. We cried together. We competed together. We won and lost (as a band) together. I learned what friendship was. I learned what hard work and determination could do. I learned that anything worth having, never comes easy. But the work you put in, is what you get out. I learned to deal with disappointment (something the youth of today needs to do if you ask me).
Done it differntly, hell ya. Never done...hell no!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
I spent my afternoon helping my mom and sister decorate their house for Christmas. I came home to NOTHING being done that was suppose to be. And as mad and disappointed as I was, we worked together and got it done.
I helped cooked something for our family gathering (21 in total attendance. Yes...we are close family) =).
My 17 month old toddler woke from her nap in what we now call "the incident". There was very little of her or her crib not covered in watery poo. *shutters just thinking about it*
SO we clean her up and her room. I know she's been trying to cut her eye teeth, so we hope for the best. We are now running late for our family gathering do to this unfortunate occurrence.
We rush out of the house so fast, we forget 1/2 of what we were in charge of bringing. So after getting there, my husband turns around and goes back to our home to get what we left.
We enjoy our family time. Tomorrow is our eldest's 9th birthday. My family has some gifts to give her tonight since we're already all together. It's our tradition. The meal is epic. Mmmm. Ham, turkey, sweet potato casserole, corn pudding, green beans, mashed potatoes, dressing, broccoli casserole, cranberry pudding, rolls. And that didn't include all the lovely desserts that awaited us! Pumpkin pie, brownies, pumpkin cheese cake, chess squares, and apple dump cake. OH yeah...my family can cook!! And when you're feeding 21 people, you cook a lot! lol
Well after dinner it happened.
The dishes are being done, and my eldest is chomping at the bit to open her gifts, and everyone is wanting dessert....and my baby Bean pukes right in the den. She didn't even eat dinner. She hadn't been eating much for a few days and I wasn't gonna push it. Not after "the incident" this afternoon. And if her teeth were hurting, I couldn't blame her. But nope. None of the above listed things were her problem. She puked. It was gross.
We got her cleaned up. While doing that my family went ahead gave my eldest her gifts. They knew we were on our way out. I missed her opening them. =( Ended up, my sister, mom and aunt all offered to keep the girls there a while and bring them home later. So we took them up on it and got baby Bean home.
She puked twice with in the first few minutes in the door (at least she didn't do it in the car). She has puked 7 more times since then. She has had 3 baths in 24 hours. And truth be told...she needs another one. But it can wait til morning at this point. We're monitoring her for dehydration and praying tomorrow goes better. Speaking of tomorrow....
Remember how I said it was my eldest's 9th birthday tomorrow? Well, we've had to cancel her party. We can't have other kids here while Bean is sick with this stomach bug. No one else needs to get it. Both my other girls were upset at that news. A birthday with no party. =( No friends. =(
I'm still going to cook her cinnamon rolls for breakfast. My husband is still going to decorate tonight so she'll be surprised in the morning. We're still going to get her flowers and her cake. We're gonna do the best we can under the circumstances. We're gonna see if we can't have a bowling party or something for her in 2 weeks instead (give this thing time to make it's way through the house).
So, this Thanksgiving we have gotten the stomach bug, and had to break the hearts of my other two children. My head hurts, and I am beyond tired. But with a puking 1 yr old, it may be a long night.
However, I am thankful that my husband is great at helping me out with all of this puking stuff. I'm thankful that my family stepped up and helped us out. I'm thankful that even though my kids are severally disappointed (as they should be), they do understand. I'm thankful that it isn't worse than what it is. It may not be fun, it might suck, but ... it could always be worse!!
So yeah....this Thanksgiving for my family is one for the books. *heavy sigh*
I was sadden to realize that I am not the same way. Please don't get me wrong. Most days I look at my husband and kids and realize how every blessed I am. Those thoughts give way to extended family, my friends, the fact I have a roof over my head and there is food to eat, and wonderful vehicle to shopping for said food. I think about how healthy my middle girl (aka: superstar) has been this year. Yes, I am one extremely blessed woman indeed.
However, there are days when life gets the better of me. There are days when I spend more time concerned about my latest problem, rather than looking at all the wonderful things in my life. There a days I do take it all for granted. I'm human.
Do I feel like we need one day to be thankful? Oh heck no! But unfortunately, most of us aren't as amazing as my friend (and she is amazing!). Sometimes we take all the goodness in our lives for granted. Sometimes we get overwhelmed by our troubles. And it is nice, to me anyway, that there is a day to help give you perspective again. A day where you can STOP worrying about whatever has been taxing you. A day to shift your thinking where it should be all year round, to be grateful for what you have.
I am thankful for the health of my kids and loved ones. I'm thankful that I have heat in my home. I'm thankful for the small amount of money we have in the bank. I'm thankful my husband is employed. I may not always appreciate his job, but I am thankful.
But I'm also thankful for Thanksgiving. A time to reflect. A time to be with loved ones and friends. A time to get our minds and hearts back to where they should be, for those of us who sometimes let life get us down.
And just in time for the holidays...Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza (still a bit confused on this one).
I love this time of year. Yes, I have much to be Thankful for. Most of us do.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
My husband is horrible at freaking out if I don't answer either phone. He thinks something horrible is happening.
I have a friend who takes it personally.
Get over it people!!
Sometimes I'm outside. And no. I don't carry my damn cell with me to go play with kids outside. Leave a message.
Sometimes I'm in the shower or bathing one of the kids. Or maybe I'm in the bathroom taking care of business.
Sometimes I'm on the other line and it's one of those moments in that conversation where you really shouldn't flash over. You know?
Sometimes I'm in the middle of disciplining the kids. NOT a good time to pause to answer the phone. Leave me message!
I'm a girl. Thus my cell phone is usually in the kitchen charging or in my purse. I don't keep it on me. leave me a message.
When out in public, it can get loud (never mind I have 3 kids with me). I can't hear my phone ring in my purse sometimes,. And vibrating mode in a purse does no good. Again...leave a message.
My house can get loud sometimes with three kids and neighbor kids over. I don't always hear the phone. Again...leave me a freakin message!!
If you can't respect the fact that I have a life cannot be attached to a damn phone 24/7, then lose my # and quit calling me. I'm tired of the guilt trips. I don't need them. I don't deserve them.
And honey....don't freak out if I can't dash to the phone. You know how hectic it can be around here. Leave me a message on both phones and give me 10 minutes to call you back. IF something horrible happened...you would have heard about it by now. NO need to freak. 'Kay?
Monday, November 22, 2010
I am so sick and tired of the same conversations with boys. When will they get it? Oh...that's right. NEVER.
I sit here, at my laptop, blogging for the second time tonight. Close to tears again. Tired of all the insensitive crap those donkeys throw at me.
Women are definitely the stronger sex. Not just because we can manage PMS, periods, and having babies. Not because we can work and run the home and balance the checkbook and pay the bills. Not because we can smile as we face life's problems, and do it heels. But because we put up with their B.S. ALL. THE. TIME.
Yup....boys are stupid. They'll never get it. They'll never understand. And until they do, we're all doomed.
This couple has been so strong. They did what so many others couldn't. Every time I see a picture or read a post or blog, I cry all over again. Skylar was one blessed little girl. She may not have lived long, but her legacy will live on. And the love that little girl felt in her short life is more than many children ever get know their entire childhood.
They amaze me. I'm sure the whole country will hear their story soon enough (Shannon and Kip Brooks), as they are news around here and with their Skylar changing the way baby organ donation goes.... I can't imagine the roller coaster ride of emotions they rode during the pregnancy, and even now. This couple, this family, is heroic in my eyes.
To read the blogs, you can really feel the heartfelt emotions they went through and still do. Their lives will never be the same again. They are now the parents of angel. And what really pulls the heart strings, is that they wouldn't dare have done it any differently.
When I read things like this, I just want to scoop up my 3 girls and hug and kiss them and never let go. I am truly blessed.
God is good. He knew that they would love this little girl. He knew that by their love, Skylar would accomplish what she was to accomplish in her short life.
I'm sure to most people, the "God is good" pill would be a little hard to swallow about now. But this couple, no matter how good or how bad their day is, is very proud of their little angel. And they should be.
I just want to thank Shannon and Kip for bringing hope to so many future families, and touching so many hearts. . . . including mine.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
It was a passionate discussion of many people. Most debated was our Freedom of Speech.
Just because something is legal (or perhaps not labeled as illegal), does NOT make it right or acceptable. It's time We the People took back this country. It's time we let our law makers know that some things need to change and garbage like this is not, nor ever will be, tolerated.
I believe a friend of his, Sully, put it best:
"Yes, we have free speech, but in the process of free speech, we as a nation, have become too politically correct to stand up for things that are blatantly wrong. It's a little different when one writes a book on how to build a bomb or some ...other "how to guide" what and ADULT does with that knowledge is up to their dicretion. There should be NO tolerance for ANYTHING that exploits or harms those that cannot defend themselves, mainly our children, and to say otherwise under the guise of "free speech" is just down right ignorant and taking advantage of a democratic system. But as a democratic nation, we need to also be able to exercise OUR freedom of speech and condemn deviant behavior like this and NOT protect it. That is taking it too far. What adults do to each other consensually is completely different than taking advantage of our children."
What I have realized is that there is NO such thing as complete freedom. Yes, our constitution allows us the freedom to pursue happiness, but not absolutely. We cannot infringe on the rights of others.
Yes we have the Freedom of Speech, but it is limited. We are not allowed to threaten another person's life, it's a crime. We are not allowed to write racial slurs on the side of anything, it's considered a hate crime. If you speak about wishing the president dead, you launch an investigation against yourself (treason). In these cases they consider you infringing on the right of others.
Now, concerning this book (which Amazon has finally seen the light and taken down off the website), is it really protected by our Freedom of Speech?
If child pornography is illegal, how is this any different? (again...it's a how to guide). If our rights stop when they start to infringe upon another's, how is this not infringing upon our children's rights? They are too young to protect themselves. Who is their voice? US! That's who.
A friend posted something last night along these lines:
Why is that we as a society want to put an NFL Quaterback away for life for fighting a dog? How come we get all in an uproar when a celebrity wears fur? But when some sick pedophile gets out of jail with a slap on the wrist, we sit on our rear-ends, on the couch, and think: I hope he doesn't move into my neighborhood. Where are our morals and priorities!? (thanks Paul! Great points)
Last night our nation stood up for what was right. We took a stand against such garbage! We became the voice of the children, the voice of those who do not understand and cannot protect themselves. We became the moral backbone of this country once again! I have a renewed hope in the people of this nation.
Way to go America, for finding that moral backbone I thought we so long ago lost. Now lets hold on to it!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Seriously? *face palm*
*SMH* (shakes my head)
What are parents thinking? For one, it is severally unrealistic to think that you and your partner will NEVER argue in front of your kids. Life happens. Ya know?
Now, what happens if kids never see you argue? Ever?
I would venture to say a lot.
1. They will have unrealistic views of relationships later in life
2. They won't know how to deal with conflict when it arises in their lives.
3. They won't learn how to apologize
I'm not saying that every argument should be in front the children. It's good to try and shelter them some. But it's like everything else in life....moderation is good and make it a learning experience.
Set realistic goals for you and your mate when arguments happen. Guidelines. Like:
~ no name calling
~ stick to the topic at hand
~ be fair
~ and when you realize you are in the wrong, apologize, don't make excuses
~ no cussing
I think if people would stick the guidelines above when they argue, our kids could actually learn from our experiences. They can learn that people don't always see eye to eye. They can learn how argue fairly. They can learn that it's ok to fight and make up. It doesn't mean you have to end a relationship. They can learn how to deal with conflict and make compromises.
Being a parent is hard enough already. Why set unrealistic goals for ourselves? NEVER argue in front of the kids? Give me break!
Monday, November 8, 2010
It was soooo nice to connect with someone on that level tonight. And to think we both knew some of the same pretty old stuff (ex. Twas the Night Before Christmas...1974, The Secret of NIMH...1982). It's nice sharing a part of your past, your childhood with someone who gets it. Who knows exactly what you are talking about. It was nice to reminisce over my childhood and think back upon fond memories. It was even better that I got to do it, and I didn't get all emotional. I just enjoyed it.
I enjoyed thinking back over the holidays with my family. I enjoyed thinking of past holidays with my children, and looking forward and sharing plans about this holiday season with them. (ok...CHRISTMAS season... It's my blog...I don't have to be politically correct).
We shared. We laughed. It was just what I needed.
I spent earlier tonight blogging about having to let go of certain friendships and how it can be painful. This was the exact opposite of that. It was just two friends, chatting, sharing, laughing, and enjoying each other's company. No drama. No needs. No wants. Nothing but just light fun and relaxation. I think it was just what the doctor ordered.
Thank you friend, for being there for me, yet again.
I have some pretty terrific friends. More than most I would I say. And that is not me bragging or anything of the such. I just know I have been blessed with people in my life whom I trust and care for and about; and them me.
I know there are people out there like my darling husband (dh), who have little to no close friends. He works entirely too much to have close relationships. On top of that, he holds grudges. If you hurt him, he doesn't get over too easily. So people who were once at the top of his short list, find themselves further down on list more times than not (but not always). But this blog isn't about him and his issues.
I would say, off hand, that I have at least 7 people I could go to any time with anything and they'd be there for me. Whether it was to let me vent, cry, bail me out, feed me, whatever the case may be. I think there are some that would be shocked to probably find out they aren't on list. I'd say that's a pretty good number of close friends...give or take. Most people would kill for just one. I also have many more that I just adore, and I know adore me too.
I know that I have come through a lot the past few years, and I have a good network people that supported me. And I have tried to be there to support them too. Sometimes support is phone call, or money. Sometimes it's just messages back and forth online. It can come in so many forms. And I am so thankful for the friends I have in my life....most of them.
I belong to facebook. And I can honestly say that my friends list ARE my friends. I clean it out a few times a year. I don't keep anyone that I do not consider a friend or really have any contact with. I don't care to boost up my numbers or anyone else's. I do not have time for fake friends in my life.
That being said..... Sometimes I feel like I'm back in high school. Like some of the people I thought/think to call friends really just don't give a damn. I'm a thorn in their side unless I some how can benefit them, or they are bored.
I never can tell if this is just me being fearful of rejection, or if any my feelings on the matter have merit. It's so hard to tell. So I sit, pray, and wait. Never saying a word. Still smiling. Still being friendly. Watching. Waiting for an answer.
It's never easy, no matter what your age, to find out people you liked and trusted and thought were friends, aren't. And I'm finding out more and more, that this is not just a high school thing. It is on going, all your life. I know several women going through the same thing.
I'm tired of one way friendships/relationships. Aren't friendships/relationships suppose to be two ways? I think it's time I start distancing myself slowly from the ones that I know longer believe to be my true friends.
I have a wonderful kids, an awesome husband (most of the time. lol). I have an incredible extended family and I know I have an amazing network of people I care for and that care for me. I don't need, nor do I have time, for false friendships.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
I want to curl up in a ball and die
my reflection doesn't lie
I wish I was more than what I see
I hate what stares back at me
Beauty escapes me in every way
The mirror reveals it every day
I shudder when I see my face
by body is a big disgrace
Lower than low is how I feel
I hate this feeling, it's all too real
I want to beautiful if just for a day
I fear there will never be a way
I face each day full of tears
It'll only get worse through the years.
Friday, November 5, 2010
The money is gone. GONE. My husband's job did what it likes to do, and cut his pay again. We lost $1000 a month. After taxes, like $800. That is the money our family of 5 lived off of a month.
Groceries, gas, school lunches, dr. visits, and medication for 2 of my 3 kids that they have to take regularly. Some went to finish bills, the rest we lived off of. Now it's gone. I am no longer paying bills of any kind. All I pay is the rent. I have to go through and now pick and choose what bills to pay and what not to pay so I can afford some groceries and diapers.
I'm thinking of selling my wedding rings. I know they aren't worth much, but between my engagement ring and wedding ring I may be able to supplement something. My husband is gonna kill me. But I just don't know what else to do. And he just doesn't get it.
I'm not saying I'm out doing this, or gonna do this....I'm NOT...but....
I can say I understand prostitution now. It's a lot of money for so little work. And when you have 3 little mouths to feed and are desperate....
Like I said...I am NOT doing that nor will I ever. It goes against all my beliefs. Against who I am. Against my love and respect for my family, my husband, my marriage, and God. I just understand how someone could get into it.
I am trying not to panic. THANK GOD I already bought Christmas for my kids. It's not much, but at least they'll have one.
We have always lived paycheck to paycheck. There has never been enough to really save so we can fall back on it. This sucks.
I'm scared. So scared. I don't know how we're gonna make it until the end of year, let alone til about March. (that tends to be when his boss decides to give the missing money in each pay period back to us).
I just needed to let this all out. I'm so thankful for this place. No one really knows it's here. And who out there in cyber world is gonna care or read this. I like having a place to come and vent my frustrations and fears like this. A place where no one knows me.
I am a mother to 3 girls. 2 in Elementary school, and bean who is 1. I have looked into jobs. But paying for after school care for the first two and then daycare for Bean... I'm just working to pay for all the childcare. So how is that a help?
I'm lost. I'm scared. I have no answers and there is no one to help. I need a miracle.
But, I can say, no matter what happens, I will NOT let it tear my family apart. We will get through this.....together. One way or another.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
"True crowning moments in life are not those that highlight what we have accomplished for ourselves. If you think about it, once we're gone, no one will remember us for what we wore, how much we wieghed, what house we lived in, or what title we held while we were here.....
Life has taught me this: It is...
our character, not our apperance
our choices, not our possessions our courage, not our comfort
our compassion, not our successes ...
that really matter in this life."
What the hell is wrong with wrong with me?
I’m in tears....hysterical! I can’t stop.
Baby Brianna Lopez. Zahara.
I don’t understand how people can be so cruel! THEY ARE CHILDREN!!!
Who beats and rapes a 6 month old over and over again all her life until she dies!
Who kills their children and feels no remorse? (ok...so Zarhara thing isn’t proven yet....but it appears she is scattered about the county and her parents knew/know about it)
I mean, I’m a mom. I’m not perfect. None of us are. Sometimes we lose our patience and yell when we should exercise a little self-control and grace. But I don’t beat my kids. I don’t understand how parents could do that!!
I read about this stuff, see it. And I just want to grab my kids in my arms and make sure they know how much I love them, and never let go.
And you know the scariest thing....people like this are really out there. And if they can do this to their own kids, what could they do to mine or yours?
My eldest will be 9 in few weeks. She has been following the Zahara thing carefully. We’ve talked about “bad people”. It’s sad we live in a world where we have to have these talks with our kids. But what kind of parent would I be if I just pretended it didn’t exist? If I didn’t warn my children that there are bad people out there who will hurt them. And that they don’t always look like bad people.
My heart is just bleeding for these children.
Why do I let things such as this upset me so much? I can’t stop crying, I’m shaking, I feel physically ill over this.
I just don’t understand some people. I just don’t understand.