Saturday, January 1, 2011

Willing to fight

"I'll show them I'm willing to fight
I'll give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone"

We won't be alone.

I had high hopes for tomorrow. Church for our family for one. Now that won't happen. I could still take the kids and go. But I don't want to leave him here. I want him there. He NEEDS to be there. *heavy sigh* What do I do? Go without him? Or abstain, stay here, and slowly work on him? I don't want the kids to see their dad NOT going.

I have made resolutions. A healthier life. Both physically and spiritually. I am already trying! =) But I see him and it hurts. I can't make his decisions for him. I can't force him to change his ways. I can only be responsible for me. I can just try to live a life to be followed and cover in prayer, right?

The song I quoted above brings tears to my eye every time I hear it. EVERY TIME. I want this to be him. I want him to lead us. To be there. To fight. But I see now, it's up to me. I have to be willing to fight. I have to lead. I'm not sure I know how. But someone has too. And it's clear he is not ready.

A short conversation we had left me realizing tonight, that he really doesn't know me as well as he thinks, or I had hoped. My heart started to break. Then I realized where his thoughts and motives were, and my heart sank even more. I just wanted to give up. Breakdown. Cry. Fall apart. But then I realized, if I break, who's left to fight for us? Our marriage? Our family?

He is no monster or bad guy. He is good people. And I love him. I do. But I see him going down that very slippery slope. And I feel scared. I feel powerless to stop it. I'm worried. Worried beyond words. Scared is not a good enough word. It's more than that. I'm terrified. Because I'm on it too. And I'm trying so hard to not fall. And I don't want him pulling me down.

Terrified I will lose him to .... this slope he's one. That he will never become the man of God he was called to be. Never be the leader of this home, this family. I'm scared if I mention it, it's nagging. And then he'll just slip further away. Away from me, from the family, his responsibilities (all of them), from God.

So for now, I just need to a safe place to let it all out. This place seems good. Everything I put here goes un-noticed. I'm invisible here. That's good. This gives me a place to let out what I feel without going crazy or starting anything.

For now, I will work on me. It's all I can do. And pray. And hope that's enough to eventually get through to him. That he'll "wake up" one day.

He's a good man. He is. But I need more. Our kids need more. But we need more than the bills paid. We need a head of household. We need a spiritual leader. We need more of his time and love. I fear that will be disappearing soon as well.

I pray he will really get to know me again. He seems to have forgotten. I can't totally blame him. I lost me too this past year. But ... there are some things that are so...embedded in who we are....

Lord, help him understand me better. Help him off this slope I'm referring too. Help me to do what's right. Help us both to love You in ways we never have before. Help build my family into what YOU would have it be Lord.


UPDATE: shortly after posting this he came to me and we talked about a few things. It was nice. I am encouraged!

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