It would seem that the most supportive people in our lives with this whole house fiasco, are the one's I have met online. More and more it is becoming clear that those closest to me are just pretending. I don't want their fake support. No thanks.
I have tried standing on faith. I have prayed, and prayed, and prayed and PRAYED. I have declared. I have stood on faith. Just to have it all crumble beneath me.
I know this last ditch thing we are trying is probably going to fall through. Everyone...EVERYONE has said no to us. Everyone thinks they can do it, but in the end, they can't. I just can't hold on to this hope anymore. Not like I once did. I am weary and worn out with it.
They want us to pick colors, flooring, fixtures, and do the wiring plans so "when you get this loan we can jump right to building". *sigh* We picked the exterior colors yesterday and go tomorrow for the floors and such. Wiring meeting in April. I can't enjoy any of this. I don't any more. At least, not like I should.
Are we doing these things...of course. For two reasons:
1. The story of the farmers in scripture. There were 2 farmers who needed rain and prayed for it. One farmer prepared his field for it, the other did not. Guess who got the rain? In the same, we are preparing because we haven't given up all hope. But it's not what it once was.
2. There are FREE dates with my hubby!! We get to go and be creative for free. lol I know it sounds silly. And yes, Sara is with us, but we try. We don't get out much with 3 kids. SO anything fun and free is worth the time, even if this all does fall through.
With every passing day I become more resigned to staying here. It will be what it will be. *shrugs* Interest rates did drop a half a percent. Did you anyone know that? Wouldn't it be something if all this happened so we could get a lower payment?
But to know the thoughts of others close to me, hurts. Several have messed up and said "what happens when you don't get this loan? I mean...if you don't get this loan?" BUSTED!!! It's been more than one person. I refuse to let people speak that over us.
I keep going back to the little things I felt like God told us as confirmations. I try to stand on those. I do. But like I said, every day I become more and more resigned to staying here. Will I be sad. Yes. I HATE IT HERE!!!! But life goes on. Devastated? I already have been. Over and over and over again. I am beginning to expect a "no" answer again and have to wait. Sad, isn't it. That one can start out with so much faith, but after weeks of battery of Yes, maybe, no, cycle has worn me down. I have enough going on. So you can say I have been somewhat conditioned to another "no" answer.
This whole process has taken a toll on me and my relationships with others. I know now who I can trust to be supportive, and who I can't. I know who is really there, and who isn't. Very eye opening. It hurts. These insights will definitely have an impact on those relationships.
As if I didn't have enough reasons to want to leave this place, now I have one more...as HORRIBLE as it is. I want this loan for all the same reasons I always have. But now, I admit, I'd love to get it just to show all those who have not been supportive that it wasn't all for nothing. My flesh cries out for justice. It's wrong, I know. It also cries out that I shouldn't share my good fortune (should I get it... please God let us get it) with those who have been un-supportive. But deep down, I love these people. Deep down I know that would be wrong. So I won't be that way. But I'd be lying if I said a part of me didn't feel that way. No matter how big or little that part is. It's still there. I will have to work on this.
So, tomorrow, my man and I are going to pick out the floors and lights...because you never know. (taking baby bean with us...should be interesting. lol) If nothing else, we'll have fun.
If nothing else, we got my credit fixed (some stuff on it that shouldn't be)
If nothing else, I have learned some things about others in my life.
If nothing else, we've gotten a few dates out of this. Time together.
Please God, give me the strength to endure this journey, no matter the outcome. ~IJN~Amen.