Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Please stop


We were suppose to go pick out colors for the new house today. Instead.....*sigh*

My wonderful husband still holds out hope for some kind of miracle. Last I heard, our best chance was for me to do the mortgage with a co-signer who wouldn't even live there. That's NOT gonna happen. I could never ask anyone to do that. It's not anyone else's problem. It's ours. It's so hard to have a dream with in your grasp and then have it yanked away. To bad it's not like a job where you can gather references. I'm sure a few people we know would vouch for us.

It just kills me. We didn't squat in the house. We paid every payment until the bankruptcy. THen we included the house so the bank could hurry up, get it back, sell it and get their money back. We didn't squat in it and waste our time and the bank's. Maybe we should have.

How do you file for a BK in Jan., go to court in March, have it discharged in April, the house transfer to someone else in Nov, and yet have a foreclosure notice in Dec.? We did a deed in lieu...not exactly the same.

Anyway, now we are waiting to hear if we have to wait 1 more year from the April discharge, from the deed changing hands in Nov. or the actual file date of December (which would put us into 2013 for a house). Yup....this was my day. This news. On the day we were suppose to be designing the house. *sigh*

This whole thing just sucks. I hate saying that, but it does. And I know we're blessed. I know things could be worse. But that doesn't mean it doesn't suck any less. And if one more person tells me "everything happens for a reason" I may slap them. Sometimes there are no reasons. Sometimes, life just happens this way. No reason needed. Just ask any mother who has lost a child, or wife who's lost a husband. When you have something wonderful in your hands and then it slips away, the last thing you want hear is "everything happens for a reason".

Today I cried and just was...sad. Felt everything was hopeless. Now, I'm angry. Bitter. I know I'll get my head on right soon. Maybe even tomorrow. But today, I'm mad. Today, I'm hurting. Today I don't want excuses like "everything happens for a reason". Today I want answers. I want it fixed. I want my house!!

Maybe this is all my fault. Maybe my sins have come back to haunt me and have ruined this for my family. Maybe I'm being punished. That's the ONLY thing I can think of as to why we were led astray...

I know my marriage has struggled the past 2 years. I know we are finally in a better place, and if it weren't for those struggles, we wouldn't be where we are today. I get that. But this is different. We asked for confirmations, got them. Asked for closed doors each step of the way, double and triple checking with our lawyer and an outside lender. Everything was good. We finally gave up resistance and believed that this wonderful thing was really happening to us, just to have the rug pulled out from under our feet. I don't see the reason in that at all. I don't understand the reason behind being led astray and then having a broken heart. Maybe it's not for me understand. Maybe there is no reason. So please, quit telling me there is one.

Quit making me feel worse by telling me things could be worse. I know that!! And I also know you are at a loss as to what to say and are just trying to help. But just hug me. Tell me it stinks. Allow me this pain. Just because it isn't the worse thing in the world, doesn't mean I don't have the right to feel terrible about this. Would tell a mom who lost a twin that it could be worse? She could have lost them both? NO!!! That would be wrong! You would just be there for her and support her, and let her grieve her loss.

I'm not saying this is in anyway on that kind of level, I was just trying to make a point. Let us grieve this loss. I don't see houses getting cheaper or interest rates going down in the next two years. So I don't see how this could be a good thing. I know, I know... I can't see the whole picture. Again, today I'm hurt and bitter.

A very good friend told me the Lord has wonderful things in store for me. Today, that is hard believe. I do believe Him to be a good God. But as far as something wonderful for me goes...I think this is my punishment. And unfortunately, it effects my husband and kids. And it stinks. I just want the best for them. I really do.

Eh. blah. I hate today.

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