Tuesday, March 8, 2011

A new dawn, a new day

Yesterday was a very hard day. By the time I went to bed I felt like had been beat up. Swollen puffy eyes that hurt (not mention I cried so much everything was blurry/foggy. If you wear contacts, you know what I mean). My body ached. In a matter of few short hours, everything changed.

We went from being on high to being devastatingly crushed. I went from disappointment, to hurt, to confusion, to anger. And then some kind of meld of all of them. And for moment...I was bitter.

I spent the evening grieving the loss of our dream. I had that right. And it was something that needed to be done. But when my middle girl climbed up in my lap last night again, and started balling her eyes out (she's almost 6), I knew it was time to calm my emotions and think rationally. It was time I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and moved on. I have to show my kids, they have to learn, that life is going to deal you some hard blows. And it's okay to be upset for a little while, but then you have to move on past the hurt. This isn't the first time I have had to do this. But I'm thankful that this time, I'm not doing it because I lost yet someone else I love (although that day is rapidly approaching).

The first thing you do when you don't understand why something bad has happened is look for an answer, something to help you understand why. We rarely get that answer. And if you sit around and keep waiting for it, you are doing nothing less than wasting time.

Then you look for "silver linings" so to speak. Yes it was our dream home, but we compromised on location of the nieghborhood, lot size, lot location, and one of the schools we were dead set against the kids attending, they would now attend. *shrugs* Eh...now no house, but we still have the hope of the perfect place....eventually (although sadly, we probably won't build it). It will probably be a home that was already lived in. And if that what it has to be, so be it. On a cul-de-sac would be nice.

We lost a house. A house, a thing. No big deal in the grand the scheme of life. We didn't lose each other or a loved one. And, we already have a roof over our heads (and yes, we are out growing it, but it's a roof and we aren't being a burden on anyone by living with them). Things could always be worse. We are healthy (well, the creepy crud is still hanging around, but no one is in the hospital fighting some horrible and/or terminal disease).

Now, I could sit here and speculate on our future. On rising interest rates (maybe this oil crisis will work in our favor until next year? lol), on my husband's income, what we'll be able to afford. But honestly, that does nothing but upset me. So what if it is going to be that way. What is worrying about it going do? It certainly won't change it. It will make me feel horrible. Not a good thing in either case. So why worry? It's going to be whatever it's going to be. I can't waste my time worrying about it. The best thing I can do is just move on with my life from here and accept that this kind of stuff just happens. That's life.

The truth is we have NO idea what's going to happen in the next year. My husband could lose his job, or get promoted. Interest rates could stay same, go up, or even down. We just don't know. But the Lord knows. I trust in Him. I believe us to be in good hands, HIS hands.

Maybe moving into that house would have been horrible for us. Maybe my husband would have lost his job and we'd be stuck with that house and no way to pay it. Or maybe on his longer drive home one night he got in some car wreck. Maybe living off the main drag, one my kids would have hit by a car. Maybe one my children would have fallen into the wrong crowd at school. You just don't know. You can't see the future. But I trust in the one that can.

What's one more year in the grand scheme of life? Really? One more year here. The rent is cheaper than anything else we can find right now. My kids are stable here. They have friends here and a school they love. It'll be okay. It is what it is.

I can't change any of this. The only thing I can do is accept it for what it is, find something in it to smile about (no matter how small), and move on. I am. I spent all last night making peace with this. Does it still suck? OH YEAH!! But I'm ok. My family will be ok. And we're in good hands.

Oh, and that something little to smile about? We are taking some of the money saved for house and going on vacation this summer. We haven't been in 3 years. It's time we go. We deserve it. =) Otherwise, we are going to pretend that the rest of that down payment money isn't there and keep living like we have been. We'll keep trying to add to it over the next year. And who knows what next year may bring!?!

Today is the start of a new day for us and yet an old one too. That particular dream may be gone, but there are always more to be had. And in the mean time, we will try and practice contentment. =)

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