I have no words for what I am feeling this night. It's an odd mesh of emotions.
I tried to prepare myself for what I would walk into. I think I did a pretty good job of the visual aspect, but not for the sounds. The emotional toll it takes you. I can now say I have heard a "death rattle". It's a very scary thing. I was not prepared for that all. I don't think you can prepare for that. My husband and I both were shocked at how it effected each of us. They say it could take up to week for him to pass now, but we are thinking in the next 24-48 hours he will go.
We said our goodbyes. We loved on him. We prayed over him. He hasn't moved all day. He doesn't even open his eyes. We know his kidneys are failing, and when we left, we thought he was feverish. I'm glad to have been given the opportunity to tell him how much we loved him and what he has meant to me and our family. This was a new experience for me. Everyone else has always been taken quickly from my life. To be able to be given this gift to say goodbye means so much to me.
This is such a weird place to be in. You see him, and you just want peace for him. You know that a part of you will rejoice when he passes because he won't be "like this" anymore.
There is another part of you that is sad. Sad to be losing a good man from our lives.
And then there is part that is peaceful. Peaceful that you know the end is near. Peaceful that you KNOW where he is going. There are no questions about that. I can't put into words the comfort there is in KNOWING, beyond any doubt, that your loved one is going to Heaven. To know you will see them again some day is a wonderful comfort. It frees you up to not only mourn, but to rejoice as well. Sounds a little nuts, doesn't it?
My heart goes out to "Great Mother" during this time. She is handling it all pretty well, but I can't imagine how hard it is to see your husband go through this. Her life is about to change dramatically. I know her to be a strong person. And seeing her in tears tonight was hard. I love her.
I am amazed at how well the family is doing, considering. That's not to say this isn't hard on them, it is. But they have all drawn closer during this time and have relied on their faith to help carry through. I am thankful for every single prayer that has been prayed for them. It is my hope that people will continue to lift them up in prayer.
My children...what will I do? They already have cried over this. They want to say their goodbyes too. My husband and I cannot agree on what to do.
There will be viewing the evening before the funeral. My husband does not want our children to go to this. It will be open casket and he is afraid of what seeing a dead body will do to our 9 and 5 year old. I think they should be there. I had seen dead bodies as a kid. That's what we, their parents, are here for. To help them deal with and process this. He thinks it will be too much for them, especially our 5 year old. However, I was told that our toddler would be welcomed at this event.
The funeral is the following day. I know my youngest cannot go to the funeral. She is not even two. I cannot be chasing her around the whole time (if you know her, you know she is in constant motion). Especially if my children go. They will need their mom to help them deal with this. They have never really been old enough to deal with a death before. And with my husband speaking at the funeral, this will be my burden alone to bare. (I'm okay with that). My husband prefers our children attend this event instead. But here is where I am running into problems.
My eldest has state testing next week and is preparing for it all week this week. She really can't miss school. Plus, I have no one to watch our toddler. I'm trying to find someone but it's hard when I still have no dates or times yet. It's all "sometime this week or next".
So I am worrying about this on top of my mesh of emotions this evening. I feel drained of energy. Numb. All I can do at this point is pray and take everything as it comes.
I am amazed by husband. I've known he is a good man, but to see him tonight... He was able to be there for others while still processing things himself. He was able to really connect with his family and even make them smile and laugh on occasion, while still giving rise to his needs too. To see him so strong and so fragile at once...there are no words. He truly amazes me.
I am going to continue to pray for Bruce, his family, and my children. I can only ask that anyone reading this, please consider doing the same.