It's been a week today (okay, tonight it'll be a week) since he left us. I have questioned so much. I'm holding on to the one thing that I know I have, my faith. But today has been a struggle. Today has been so hard.
I should have..... fill in the blanks. I should have, could have, would have....so much. And it hurts. I want so much to hug him one last time. Tell him how much I love him. How much I have always loved him. How much he will always mean to me. How important he was to my kids and husband too.
Today hurts. I hurt. This hurts. I hate this. Another important man in my life, gone. Oh God...this hurts. And now...with everything else going on.... I don't know how much more losing of the men I love I can take.
Tonight is not going to be a good night. It hasn't been a good day. I bought some bubbly. I'm going to do my best to celebrate him. But if I'm being honest, I think a part of me will be drowning my pain as well. Right. Wrong. I don't care. We each cope in our ways. I've had hard time with all of this. But I'm doing it, one day at a time. I think I'm allowed to fall apart tonight if I need it. It's grief. We all handle it differently. And I'm just being honest.
I know I'm going to be okay. I KNOW it. It's just getting there that's hard. I'm not going to roll over and give up. I'm going to be okay. But I have refused to try and deal with this. And I think I owe it him and me and my family to start. And tonight is as good a time as any.
I can't believe a week has passed. I can't believe he has passed. I can't believe a lot of things about all of this. I feel alone in this. I know I'm not, I do. But I feel that way.
I hoping that tomorrow will be a much better day.