Friday, February 24, 2012

It's been a week...

It's been a week today (okay, tonight it'll be a week) since he left us.  I have questioned so much.  I'm holding on to the one thing that I know I have, my faith.  But today has been a struggle. Today has been so hard.

I should have.....  fill in the blanks.  I should have, could have, would much.  And it hurts.  I want so much to hug him one last time.  Tell him how much I love him.  How much I have always loved him.  How much he will always mean to me.  How important he was to my kids and husband too.

Today hurts.  I hurt.  This hurts.  I hate this.  Another important man in my life, gone.  Oh God...this hurts.  And now...with everything else going on....  I don't know how much more losing of the men I love I can take.

Tonight is not going to be a good night. It hasn't been a good day.   I bought some bubbly.  I'm going to do my best to celebrate him.  But if I'm being honest, I think a part of me will be drowning my pain as well.  Right.  Wrong.  I don't care.  We each cope in our ways.  I've had hard time with all of this.  But I'm doing it, one day at a time.  I think I'm allowed to fall apart tonight if I need it.  It's grief.  We all handle it differently.  And I'm just being honest.

I know I'm going to be okay.  I KNOW it.  It's just getting there that's hard.  I'm not going to roll over and give up.  I'm going to be okay.  But I have refused to try and deal with this.  And I think I owe it him and me and my family to start.  And tonight is as good a time as any.

I can't believe a week has passed.  I can't believe he has passed.  I can't believe a lot of things about all of this.  I feel alone in this.  I know I'm not, I do.  But I feel that way.

I hoping that tomorrow will be a much better day.

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