What If.....

This song came on the radio on the way to the store today (I know it's been posted before). I love it when I get gentle reminders like this.

His healing came through our tears. We prayed for mercy and got it. And now he is pain free and we are still crying. "The pain reminds this heart, that this is not, this is not our home." I needed that reminder. This life is going to hurt. We are going to lose ones we love. We are going to face trials and tribulations (if you read the bible, you know that Jesus promised we would). It's good to know that it's time like these, we still have Him to comfort us.

My grandfather's death did more than just leave a void in my life. It brought up old wounds and opened the door to ones. So maybe this is a blessing in disguise in more ways than one. It is forcing me to deal with things I did not want to deal with, or wasn't done dealing with. My Granddad had a fear. He feared his passing might leave a hole. But I think instead, he's going to get his heart's desire. I think, in the end, his death is going to bring us all even closer.(we're all pretty close now)   We have to deal with some things. Each of us has our own hurdles. But what if....

What if my Mom and sister's get a better relationship with their mom out of this? (it's not bad at all! But what if it gets even better?)
What if my relationship with my mom gets better? (again, nothing wrong there...just better)
What if I am able to become even closer to my aunts and cousins and other family through this?
What if my marriage (in case you haven't guessed, has taken a direct hit) comes out stronger on the other side of this?

I'm already learning a lot about love and forgiveness. Please don't get me wrong. I still have a lot more to learn. And I have a feeling I'm only just beginning to scratch the surface of this. But, I'm not sure these are lessons I would ever have learned any other way.

I keep a journal. Every night before bed, I write in it. I documents my life and my prayers. It's my open communication with the Lord. If you think I share too much here, you should see the journal. lol Yet another perk of the journal, it allows me to go into more details and not have the world know it. I don't mind. I would love to share all my deepest things here, but others might mind. And I have to be respectful of them. Anyway, as the Lord is revealing things to me about love and forgiveness, I see amazing things happening daily. For example:

With all my grieving (or lack there of, depending how you see it), I was hurt tremendously by my husband during a course of events following my Grandfather's death. (please know, my husband is a good man. Kind. Caring. Honorable. Faithful. Generous. Smart. Loving. This is in no way meant to slander him. He is amazing.  He did not beat me or cheat or anything major like that.  He's a good man.) Things were done, though, that can never be undone (again, awesome man! I promise). And I'm having a hard time dealing with this on top of everything else. And every night since, I have written in my journal about this. I have written how I feel, how I hurt, how I am at loss at what to do. I write my prayers for help and what I think I need in order to heal, and give it all over to Him. It is all very heartfelt, very real, very deep, very honest, very painful. But every day, I am learning more about me, my heart, and this love and forgiveness thing. And every morning, the Lord has answered a prayer. There is some change or something said or done that is in direct correlation to my prayers. I have never in my life seen answer to prayer so fast. Ever. It usually more of a "hurry up and wait and trust" kind of thing. But I am blown away right now by His faithfulness. I am learning so much about myself, about my marriage, about life, and yes (as mentioned before) love and forgiveness. And as I also already stated, I'm just scratching the surface. I still have much to learn. But, again...What if?

What if my husband is right? What if everything does happen for a reason?
What if the reason is just stupidity? Or bad choices due to extreme circumstances? What then? Well, doesn't scripture say that He will work all things for the good of those that love Him? And if I believe that, then no matter if was meant to be, or just bad choices, why can't I believe that Lord has a plan and can turn this around for good? I just need to trust and follow Him. And that's what I'm trying to do. God knows I can't do this on my own. I don't have the answers. And I'd just screw it all up anyway. I have to believe that my marriage is going through this for a reason. And in the end, we'll be stronger than ever. We've come through so much already.

So "what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise"

What if ... a year from now, we are all happy? What if this forces us to face demons we haven't wanted to or even knew existed?

A great man is gone. But we didn't lose him. We gained him for eternity. (Thank you to the wonderful woman in my life that brought this perspective to me). I have to hold on to this. We all do. And I have to trust, through all this, the Lord has a plan for our family, as a whole, and individually.

I loved this song once for it all meant during a different period of my life. And now I have new appreciation for it. I think, maybe, I'm not the only one.

Laura Story - “Blessings” Lyrics

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise