Not what I wanted to write about

I had been thinking of writing a different blog, but unfortunately that is going to have to wait.  Instead, I need my place to let "it" out tonight.

Today has been so emotional.  My husband and I have some decisions to make and they aren't easy ones.  They are life changing.  And we can't afford to make any mistakes.  We have asked those we love to please lift us up in prayer, for we need guidance.  

After getting more information on somethings today, I have found myself in tears and in prayer most of the afternoon.  I just feel so overwhelmed.  The weight we feel we have upon us right now is heavy.  I just want clear answers.  I don't want us to screw this up.  So many "what if's".  So many ... everything.  We have just come out of a season of struggling and we don't want to go back to that.  We just want to do the right thing.  We just need to know what that is.  As it effects others. 

And just as I thought I cried my last tear in frustration and fear, I got the call.  And now I feel even more lost.

Hospice has run test, and apparently the time we thought and hoped we'd have with my grandfather isn't going to be as long.   And with how quickly his mental state is diminishing...  I found out today that he forgets who my grandmother is now.  Sometimes a few times a day.  This has got to kill her!  I took little "Bean" with me to visit yesterday and he seemed ok.  Child like, but in good spirits.  I can't say if he knew who we were or not.  Probably not.  Simple words in a sentence are hard for him to remember now.  But he was in good mood.  And it was good to see him smile. 

I feel like my legs have been kicked out from under me.  Just when I thought I was done with tears.

I love this man so much.  No one knows how much he has meant to me.  And to see him like this...  To know his days are more numbered than we thought, is gut wrenching.  But I guess when you have two deadly diseases working against you, your body just doesn't have it in itself to fight.  At least, not his age.

So tonight, I am going to toast the strong man I have always known.  The man who loves his family deeply.  The man who brought to life "The Big Bad Elephant".  The man who read us "Twas the Night Before Christmas" every Christmas when we were little.  The man who would mix drinks behind the bar at family gatherings and give me ginger ale.  I always felt so special drinking it at the bar.  It was the only time I ever got it.  lol (he had a bar in his basement).  The man who split McDonald's fries with me after a football game.  I don't think he wanted them, but I think he could see that I wanted to do it with him.  God bless him.

Yes.  God bless him.  Please.  Make is suffering, and my Grandmother's and Aunts' short lived.  Please.  Take him quickly and painlessly.  I know we aren't ready.  Is anyone ever ready? 

We've lost some really good members of my family over the years.  My father for one.  It took us kids by surprise.  Then we loss 2 of my cousins to car accidents (years apart).  Suddenly.  So death is not something new to us. 

When this whole journey with my Grandfather started, we thought it was a blessing to be able to say our goodbyes.  To be able to know and spend more time with him.  To be able to tell him and show him just how much he means to us.  Now, well, now I'm not so sure that is a blessing after all.  Especially in the case of Alzheimer's.   It's really is agony to lose someone this way.  In cases like this, I think maybe perhaps, it is better when they are taken suddenly.  Then again, when we found out it was Cancer, we thought that would take him first.  Maybe that's why we thought it was a blessing.  But now it seems almost as if the two diseases are in competition to see who can do him in first.  It's not fair.  It's not fair to him.  It's not fair to my Grandmother.  It's not fair to his daughters.  It's not fair to any of us.  But I guess the argument could be made, "When is life fair?"

I'm just hurting tonight.  I know my family is hurting tonight.  I just want it all to be okay.  And it's not.