Ever have so many thoughts going through your head at one time, you know you need to sort them, but have no idea where to start? Well, that's me right now. So let me apologize now if this post goes a little hay wire and doesn't seem to flow like it should. I'm sorry.
Life has been all kinds of crazy lately for sure. And before the proverbial "crap" hit the fan, we were faced with a choice. Life as we knew it? Or a path not taken? We chose the path not taken.
It was not a choice we came to lightly. We talked, a lot. We talked about benefits and possible consequences. We talked about the changes it would mean for our family. We sought out wise counsel. We prayed. A lot! And in the end, we came to the same conclusion.
It's not been easy. We have taken each step on this new path in prayer, "Lord, we believe this to be Your will for us. If it's not, close the door.". So far, so good. But fear...oh that fear...is knocking at the door of my thinking lately.
We know it's time for change. A big change. And, like is normal with life, change is scary. No matter how good the perceived change may be, it's still change. It's still different. That makes it scary. The unknown always comes with fear. Unless, that is, you choose to walk in faith.
That is where we are right now. That is where I am. I am trying to stay in faith.
We found out some things lately that just had our head spinning and just seemed to really solidify for us that we needed to choose a new path. That is comforting. But then, then you really start to want it. You really start wanting what you think this new path has in store for you. You get fixated on it. You make it a desire of your heart. You long for it, even. And as soon as you do that, fear starts knocking.
What if this isn't meant to be?
What if we got our hearts set on something that just is not meant for us?
What if we get hurt?
Ah...there it is, that last one: What if we get hurt?
I have been in prayer a lot lately. It's not easy to say "Lord, you now how bad we want this, but if it is not what's best, please shut the door". Especially when you realize how badly you want it. Especially when you are already a good ways down that new path. Because, what if it was all about taking that leap of faith? What if it was all about divine appointments that would have never been made had we not started down the new path? And now it's time to turn around and head back? How would that feel?
OUCH! That's how that would feel. It would hurt. A lot. We'd be glad for the good that did come out of it, don't get me wrong! But it would be hard to know that we had to go back to what wasn't working. Especially when we are both so ready for something that will work. It would be hard to go back to the drawing board, and start again. We don't have a lot of energy left in us right now to do that over and over again.
Oh those little seeds of doubt and fear. They suck the life out of you if you let them. I have fed them some, no doubt. I wanted to deal with them. They are still there, knocking. I won't lie. But the knock is softer now, not so much of a hard banging anymore. =)
I now that all things work together for the good of those that Believe. I know we've prayed about this. I have to let go. I have to trust that God knows what's best, no matter what I think it may be. I have to trust that He will take care of us. I have done this before. I did this when we built the house. I can do this now. Right?
If everything turns out the way we think it will, the way we hope it will, it will ALL have been worth it. ALL OF IT!! (and one day I'll be able to expand on that more) I have to trust in His timing. I think this is it. My husband and I are both on the same page (which is rare when it comes to big changes). We seemed to get confirmations. Our hearts our invested. The door hasn't shut yet (although it does seem to be shutting where we need it too, which is yet another confirmation). This seems to be the answer to years of so many prayers. (yes, I said years).
I don't know how a God I love would choose to bring us this far, put us through so much, be pushing us out of one area and have us agree on it, and then take this all away; just to pull it all out from underneath us. I don't. So I am choosing to stand on faith here. I'm choosing to believe with all I have that this new path we are on is the right one. And I choose to believe there will be no U-Turns for us. I choose to believe that there is a happy ending in all this. And I will continue to believe all this, unless God does shut the door. And if that be the case, I will have to trust that His ways are right and good and just. I will have to trust that He knows what's best.
No matter what, no matter if this is our path or if this was just a way to see if we were willing to take a new path, I know we are in the right hands. And if this is all just some big test, meant to help a few others out along the way, so be it. If this isn't our path, I pray that the Lord make the path we are to take known. And no offense Lord, but the sooner the better. ;-)
We feel it's time for change. I keep going back to something I wrote down in my journal back in January. I wrote the word "Promises" down. I kept seeing that word in the spirit when I thought on this year and asked about this year. I kept feeling like that was the word He kept whispering in my ear. I wasn't exactly sure what that meant, but I have an idea. And I hope I'm right. Only time will tell. And right now, one thing I do know is, it's time for a change. Whatever change that may be.