Monday, March 5, 2012


Life sucks.  REALLY SUCKS so far this year.  I don't understand.  I don't.

Why is this happening? 

I have been dealing with illness all year in some form or fashion.  I lost someone I loved greatly.  My marriage has taken a hit.  And now this last thing...  We kept praying in faith.  The doors never closed.  We kept taking each step one at a time and we got to the last step of a long journey to have the door shut in our faces.  It really seemed like an answer to so many years of so many prayers.  And to get to the end and have the rug pulled out from under us....  Why?  What was the point of all of this?  Why do we have to hurt again?  And so soon!  I find this cruel, very cruel.

I know all things work together for the good of those who believe, but where is the good in all of this?  I don't want to wait and see.  Then again, who am I to question You?  I want answers and understanding though.  I'm sorry.  But I do.  I'm hurting.  I'm hurting so bad.  I just don't know how much more I can take.  And  I need You to fix this.  Please, fix this.

This seems all too familiar.  The build up and disappointment.  We did this song and dance last year.  I really didn't plan to do it again.  I don't want to do it again.

I'm angry.  I'm really angry.  I'm disappointed.  I hurt.  I'm confused.  I just don't understand.  And I know, Lord, I KNOW you know what you are doing.  I know you see the end outcome.  It would help if we could.

I don't know what your plans are for us anymore.  And to be quite honest, I'm starting to doubt whether or not they are good.  Maybe I just screwed up too much to have anything turn out good anymore.  Maybe this is my penance.

Father, I'm hurting physically and emotionally.  I need you to help me.  I need you to fix this.  Please. Help me understand.  I don't need every answer, just something that makes some kind of sense would be nice.

I'm struggling with faith right now.  I really am.  A part of me knows better.  But the part of me that hurts wants to lash out and put up walls.  I'm struggling not to do that.  Please help me.  Please renew and restore my faith, for right now it's weak (not gone but weak).  I feel weak all over.  I just don't know how much more disappointment and heartache I can take this year.  It's an awful lot to bare in such a short time.

I'm scared.  I'm scared of what the future holds.  I'm scared to trust in You right now for fear we will get hurt again.  I'm so tired of hurting.  Help us through this please.   And give me strength.  I need it.

Please forgive me for lashing out in my pain.  I'm sorry.  Please help us.

In Jesus' Name,

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