Friday, February 25, 2011


My hubby and I have decided to try to haggle and make an offer on a house to be built. I'm so scared. I didn't really realize how much we wanted this. But after looking at several other homes today, we both really realized where our heart lies. I'm scared for several reasons.

I'm scared we (us and them) won't come to terms on a price we can actually afford. Then I'll be stuck with the crap I saw today. =(

I'm scared we'll get it and then not be able to really afford it. That has happened to us too many times.

I'm scared of being let down and getting my heart broken over this. I have tried not to become too attached to this idea. But after today, I realized I am. I know it's just a house. But not to us. To us, it's a home. There's a difference. I could go on and on about the money and the why's and blah blah blah. But I won't. Just know, I'm scared.

It would be BEYOND amazing for us to get this house and afford it. Our dream house. The perfect place, in our minds, to raise our family for the next 10-15 years. See, a home. . . not a house. A place for us to put down roots and raise our girls. I'm tired of moving. This will be our 5th move in the 12 years we've been married. It's getting old. This would truly be a dream come true in the most literal of senses.

I keep asking the Lord to shut this door if it's not for us. And so far, He hasn't. But that is no guarantee that He won't later on down the road. We just take each confirmation that has come as a clue to take the next step. We're taking this one step at a time. Too afraid to look to far ahead. I want to believe..... I do. It's just so hard to believe that we could actually have something this nice and this wonderful. It's too perfect. And you know what they say about something that seems too good to be true! If it seems that way, it usually because it is.

I'm scared that no matter where we end up, we won't be moved in time.

I'm scared we'll have to settle. I don't want to settle. =(

I keep thinking back over all the little tidbits that have occurred. And my decision to stand on faith. Talk about your wavering. Even as I type this, I realize that where there is fear, there is no room for faith. Yet, I'm so scared of stepping out in faith and falling flat on my face.

I'm scared about other things as well. I'm scared for two people I care deeply about who are having some health issues. And even though one seems to improving, the other is not. It breaks my heart. ='(

I'm worried about several people close to me. I just want them to be happy. And due to circumstances at the moment, a few of them are not. I hope each one of them knows I'm thinking of them and sending warm thoughts and hugs their way.

Yes...tonight....I sit here scared. I'm such a coward.

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