Venting....

I just need my place to vent tonight.  I need to get things off my chest.  I'm running out of.... I don't know what.

I have three beautiful children.  I do.  I love each of them more than I could ever attempt to put down in words.  They are my life.  Both literally and figuratively.  But since summer break, the bickering has gotten at least 10 times worse.  It's driving me nuts.  I don't want to be a mean person, but I have finally threatened to keep them in their rooms if it doesn't stop. 

My youngest has a nasty cold which makes her very cranky and temperamental.  Not to mention clingy.  So that's fun too.

I have burnt my wick at both ends lately.  My husband has been working btwn 60-70 hours a week for the past few weeks (since his promotion) leaving me to deal with everything alone.  The kids miss him, I miss him.  And since all this has happened, I have held 3 different events at the house to prepare for and host.  Not to mention getting all the gifts ready for the kids (yes plural) birthday parties.  I'm exhausted physically and emotionally at this point.  Not to mention lonely.  And loneliness can be a b*tch.

This promotion he got has turned out to be the worst thing in the world for our family.  He works more than ever and is under more stress than ever.  Oh...and like I said...no increase in pay.  Which is not good for the several thousands of dollars in medical bills we owe and can't pay.  Some have even went to collections already.  This sucks.

I'm doing everything I can to keep my husband upbeat and encouraged both with home and his job.  But it's getting harder and harder to do that.  It's getting harder to support something I am coming to loathe and despise.  But he doesn't need this from me.  He needs me strong and positive.

My husband drives a 1993 Toyota sport coupe thingy.  It doesn't fit the kids in it.  So when we need service on the van, I can't just take his car.  I'm left without a vehicle for me and the kids.  We thought we had found a good, reliable, safe car for our family and were very excited about it.  But that, unfortunately, fell through too.

I have a lot to be thankful for.  I know this.  I have my 3 beautiful girls.  I have a wonderful home.  I have family that loves me and some of the best friends a gal could ever hope for.  We may not have money in the bank anymore and we may not know how we are going to make it financially next month, but I know we have each other.  And that helps.  I really am trying to stay positive.  I am.  But like I said, I'm stressed and exhausted.  And I just needed a place to vent some of this out.

I didn't get dressed until after 3 pm today.  I was feeling defeated.  But I realized I can't just sit around and wait for something good to happen.  I can't wait for some magical change to happen.  I'm just wasting my time if I do.  I have to be proactive.  Even when I don't feel like it.  Even when I don't have the energy.  Especially during those times.  Other wise....  Well, it's just not good for someone's spirit to that.  You know?  

I'm trying.  And I'm going to continue to try.  I'm not giving up on anything or throwing in any towels.  But some days are harder than others.  And this was one when everything just seemed to go wrong.  This was one that kinda beats you up.  But I'm still here.  And tomorrow is a new day. 

This is my life.  I have to take control.  I can't control everything.  But I can continue to try and control how I'm dealing with it.  Things don't seem likely to change for the better any time soon.  And that it was it is.  I can go on feeling defeated, but good does that do anyone?  I'm better off doing all I can to keep myself busy, and the kids and my husband positive and happy.  At least that's a start.  I just pray the Lord give me the strength to endure.