Looking Back

The past few days I have been looking back over the past few months.  I have been trying to see the bigger picture.  I have been trying to evaluate where I have gone wrong, or what I could have done differently. 

I know my house has been riddled with sickness.  But we eat pretty healthy, and my kids take vitamins.  I don't know there was a lot I could do here.  EXCEPT....

While pretty much being home bound lately due to either sick kids or a sick me, I did realize one thing towards the end of all the illness:  As stir crazy as I was becoming from not being able to go many places because we were sick, I did enjoy our place of solitude.  I don't know that I have ever been that content for that long because of illness.  And I realized, almost a little too late, that I at least had the blessing of home I love (REALLY love) to stay couped up in.  It helps to like the place you are stuck in.  It only adds to the frustration when you can't stand where you live.  And I am very thankful I got to be quarantined in our new home.

As far as my Granddad goes....  I know he knows I love him.  Always has.  That has to be enough.  I can't go back in time and spend more time with him before he was sick.  I can't go back fix things I didn't like about how I handled certain things.  However, I can use what I have learned in the future.  I can make sure the ones in my life now know what they mean to me and how important they are to me.  I can make sure to try my hardest to communicate better with everyone and not make the same mistakes.

Then there is what took place to that put bump in my marriage.......

The truth is, it hurt.  Still does.  But who among us is without fault?  Which one of us has never needed forgiveness?  I gotta tell ya, I know I need it.  A lot.  I know I have screwed up in some major ways in the past. 

The truth is I love him.  And he loves me.  And that means we have to learn from our mistakes and forgive each other.  When I look upon my life, there is really no one else I want beside me.  He is going to screw up and make mistakes.  Some bigger than others.  But then again, so am I.  We have to love each other in spite of our faults and screw ups.  We have to learn from what we can and move forward, together.  And that's what I want to do.  He's my best friend.  I can't imagine my life without him (or some of those faults that drive me crazy).  He's a part of me.  He is worthy of forgiveness because I love him.  I know there have been times I have needed his forgiveness.  And let's face it, we both know there will be more.  That's life.  So we are moving forward from here.  Slowly, but together.  And that makes me happy.  =)

As far as the path we took that didn't work out goes, I'm glad we did it.  Yes it hurt that it didn't work out.  But the experience opened both our eyes up to new possibilities.  And it also stretched us and was yet another round of learning to deal with disappointment.  And I know that we can take the next narrow path that comes our way together and not have the fear that if it doesn't work out we will fall apart.  We have leaned on each other and helped each other through this disappointment.  That was good.  And it was good for my marriage.  We may not understand why things happen as they do, but we may not always need to (as much as we want to).  This experience helped us build character and strength in our marriage.  Isn't that worth it?

Ok, so life has been a bit rough lately.  And ... yeah.... we have had plenty of disappointments in the past two months.  But I need to learn from these experiences.  I need to try to find some good in every situation.  It's okay that life knocks us down sometimes, as long as we learn from it.  Then we get back up and go again.  And that's what I'm trying to do here.  I'm not saying that life isn't going to crap me out again.  I'm sure it will.  But I want to be better prepared the next time.  I want to be able to move past it with more grace, and forward more quickly than this round.   And maybe one day, with enough practice (geesh, that does NOT sound fun), I won't get knocked down.  Maybe one day I'll be able stand through what life has to throw at me.  And perhaps even throw a great punch back at life, and win.  Who knows!? 

Until then, I will have to continue learning and growing.  And it may not always feel good or be fun, it may down right hurt, but that is life.  Isn't it?   It's like marriage.  You take the good and the bad.  Learn from it all.  And then keep going.