ashamed

I am ashamed to admit this, but I'm losing hope. Losing faith, in us getting this house. Everything has just taken so long. Months. And now that we have done all we needed to do, we find out oops, they forgot to give us a certain paper to fill out. But, they haven't mailed it or faxed to us to do yet. AND they haven't even attempted to contact my husband about it!! I'm livid, I'm hurt. I'm... a ball of emotions. (We only found out about this because our Loan Rep called the mortgage company to check on things. And our Loan Rep doesn't want to "draw any unnecessary attention to us" due to our situation. So, we're stuck in limbo, waiting for someone to get off their butt and send us this one thing to fill out. =/ )

I have NEVER been a patient person. In fact, patience does NOT run in my family one bit. We started this WHOLE thing back in February. I had to wait until the 15th, then I was told to wait until the following Monday. Then I was told I should have an answer that week. Then I'm told oops! Forgot something! Now I'm told that EVENTUALLY they will get it to us.

This whole thing has been hard on me. The stress has effected my health and sleep. Stress has a negative effect on me in a bad way. And now I'm having nightmares about the house and the loan. I need sleep more than ever, but am so afraid to even try to sleep any more. And all this effects my mood, which in turn effects my family. And it's all getting worse. But that doesn't matter. I need to suck it up and "wait". Because GOD forbid we draw attention to ourselves. =/

I am beginning to think it would just be easier to give up hope all together. I don't even want to go the stupid Pre-construction meeting tomorrow. I truly don't. I am ready to walk away. Or at least I think I am. I just can't take this stress anymore. I can't take it! I have been patient for months. For me, I have done DAMN well! But I just can't do this anymore. I NEED answers. My health and my family's well being NEED answers. But that doesn't seem to matter to anyone but me. And let's not forget our landlords who are getting impatient with us NOT having an answer yet. And yes.... I am angry with my Heavenly Father too. Because He knows how this is effecting me, and yet I am stuck waiting on men.

Don't get me wrong, I love Him. But I don't understand this. I don't care too. I just want it over with. I need it over with. I don't understand the point in my family or me suffering any longer. For me, it's easier to walk away. Then I can stop stressing. I'll be able to sleep. I can stop eating pills just to make through the day. It'd be a answer!

It's getting harder and harder to believe in this. And everyone who was once supportive and helped me through my bad days, are slowly disappearing. I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE!! And yet, here I am, all alone. Stressing. Worrying. I have no more "pick me ups" from the Lord or friends or family. I am in the wilderness. And it sucks. Or at least if feels that way.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on to any kind of hope. Yup . . . It's shameful. But I'm being honest. And I needed this cry. I needed to let this out. Maybe this release will help me hold on a little longer.

I'm still here, Lord. I'm still believing...but only by a thin thread. Please God...PLEASE...help me!