Updates and Randomness

For those of you who read this pretty regularly, I am sorry if I left anyone hanging or worrying.  I have had a lot going on.

Quick recap:

6 weeks ago my kids got sick and so did I.
4 weeks ago my little girl got sick again and was put in the hospital
2 weeks ago my grandfather died
This week, my kids have the flu.

And yes, my husband and I had some choices and stress before all this hit.  And afterwards, things took a dramatic turn for... well, not the better.  So life has been a bit stressful to say the very least.

This past Friday was very hard on me.  I started facing things head on.  Starting with my grief.  I'm not done grieving.  But at least I'm not running from it now.  Or burying it.  And I'm okay. 

I have had my hands full of sick kids lately.  And as stressful as that is on me, I can only imagine what it's been like for them.  I pray this flu is the final round of illness for my household for a very, very long time to come.  But I must say, I am proud of my kids.  They are handling this all better than I could have asked for.  They are good kids.  And I can't wait for them to be healthy again.  I can't wait to play!  lol

My middle girl has the flu and is asthmatic (she's 6).  She's been doing so well.  But she literally just came and told me her chest hurts.  Crap.  She's taking her nebulizer treatments (and is taking one now as I write this).  I'm going to have to watch her carefully.  Her fever has done well today.  If it spikes at all again, I may take her for x-rays, just in case.  She just got out of the hospital, I don't need her going back in.

So other than this, things have been ... okay.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching on my marriage lately.  A LOT.  I know I haven't given details (except to say he has not beaten me, belittled me, or cheated on me; and that he is a good man), and that's for a good reason.  I'm not going to go into detail either.  Just know that sometimes, we get hurt in marriage.  Sometimes you don't have to beat, or do drugs, or cheat to cut the one you love to core.   There are other ways to feel betrayed or lose trust in someone.

Have you ever sat down and really took stock of your life?  Where you have been, and where you'd like to be going?  Have you ever really thought what it would be like to live life without your spouse by your side?  Needless to say (with all the events in my life right now) I have.

I'm not sure I know how to move past a deep breach in trust.  But I do know I want to try.  I know my life was forever changed when my husband came into my life.  I know he's a good man.  I know that I love him.  I owe it him, to my kids, to my marriage, and to myself to try work all this out.  And it's what we're trying to do.  I'm sure we'll have our struggles with it.  (Okay, I'm sure I'll have my struggles with it and he'll have his struggles with me. lol  How's that for honestly?) 

I knew a few weeks ago, when my Grandfathered died and everything "hit the fan", that I was way too emotional to make any major decisions about anything (marriage or other wise).  And not wanting to deal with anything because I was feeling so overwhelmed was only  making everything worse.  Often in life, the only way to overcome it, is to go through it.  Not hide from it or dodge it. 

If you have followed me at all, you know I have a passion for music.  It helps me.  It can often put into words what I feel better than I know how too.  Below are the lyrics to a song by Superchick (older song.  You can look it up on youtube later if you are interested in how it sounds).  I think it personifies how I've been feeling:

"Stand In The Rain"

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from, wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

 

*I bolded the sentence that kinda stuck out to me while typing this blog

So here I am, going through it all.  You know that saying, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"?  I think maybe, perhaps, that's where I am at.  It's definitely a trying time right now.  But what if all this trial is for some kind of greater purpose?  Then, in my opinion, (in a way) that would also make this the best of times.  Because, in the end, I'm willing to endure just about anything, if it means a change for the better or something better in store down the road.  If I look back a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years from now even, and can see that all this changed my life for better, then I'll be able to say it was all worth it.

Maybe in life, we make the mistake of acting out of our pain too often, instead of waiting and really weighing things out.  Maybe we've become such an instant gratification society, that when things aren't going as planned, we are too quick to jump ship instead of staying and putting in the effort and work to make it work out.  Maybe.

This is the only life I am given to live.  I want to make the most of it.  I don't want to curl up and let it get the best of me.  I don't want to look back over my life and regret a thing.  And I know I'll never regret going though a hard time, and coming out the other side stronger.  We may not want to go through tough trials in life, but they are going to come.  We don't have a choice about that.  What we do have a choice about is how we handle the hard times.  Will we stand through the storm or let it beat us down?

I choose to stand.

A break in the clouds (and some ramblings about strange dreams)

*Warning:  If you are not a Christian or have not enough knowledge of the Christian faith, you will probably think I'm completely off my rocker by the end of this.  But don't say I haven't warned you.  Try and keep an opened mind.  And...well... GL! Oh, and no worries, this is not a teaching on the faith.  It is rambling of my dreams.

Yesterday morning I woke up and remembered 2 dreams I had.

The first was fairly odd indeed.  I dreamed that my children's bus for school so late coming to get them, that they almost decided to come home and have their daddy drive them.

Back Story:  My husband gets the kids ready in the morning and the bus stop is one house away.  Literally.  We watch them from the house walk up.  I usually have very little to do with it.  I get to sleep til 8 a.m.  My hubby rocks like that!  With his work schedule, it's some of the only time he gets with the kids.  So it's a win/win for everybody!

Ok, I digress.  Back to the story.  The other dream I had was just a snippet I could remember.  My husband was placing the most amazing ring on finger.  Diamonds, but not too ornate.  Simple, elegant, beautiful.

I came down stairs contemplating both of my dreams.  My DH (Darling Husband for new readers) asked me how I had slept.  I was perplexed.  I told him I had some odd dreams and then asked him about the bus.  Guess what?  My dreams was spot on.  The bus was very late that morning.  Crazy huh?  He considered having them come home but then it finally showed up.  That took me surprise.  How could such a simple, seemingly meaningless dream, been at all accurate?  And more importantly, what did that mean about the 2nd dream?

I'm not sure I have all the answers.  Maybe it's all just some weird coincidence.  But  what if the purpose of the 1st dream was to show me something about the 2nd?  What if the 2nd dream was telling my my marriage would be restored?  Beautiful even?  I'm still chewing on all this.

Then last night was ... I think I came close to hitting bottom.  It was a rough rough night.  But I started dealing with things.  Slowly.  I started dealing with missing my Granddad.  I started dealing (on some small level) with the rift that has happened with in my marriage.  I went to bed totally exhausted, emotionally and mentally.

When I awoke this morning, I was shaking.  Literally shaking.  I remembered my dream again this morning.  It was a different dream.  One that scared me in some ways.  I will try my best to re-tell it, but please remember, as dreams often do, it jumps around a little.

I was a character in a story.  I was surrounded by "loved ones".  Not sure I really knew any of them.  But it was something out of a Tim Burton movie.  Everything was dark and gray and cloudy and eerie.  We all looked like what you would imagine his characters to look like.  We were all dark and weird.  We all had "masters".  There was this one girl, a bride.  And evil looking bride.  She kept looking for her right suitor or husband.   And she kept eyeing anyone I came in contact with.  And she devoured them.  Wanting them for herself and loving the fact she thought she was causing me pain.  She fed off destruction.

But then, I had an unseen suitor.  Whenever he was around my eye would glow red, or something around me that had eyes, it's eyes would glow red.  I can't remember what I called him.  I think his name was "unseen".  And the bride was very intrigued as to why eyes would go red. It consumed her.  And then I made the mistake of saying he was on the way to where I was, Unseen was coming.  And when the suitor bride was so jealous that he had chosen me.  When he called, I was to obey.  I had to do what he said.  He was my pursuing me.  To be my master and mate.  (I know...weird right?)  He was the most powerful of all suitors.  He frightened me.  And I knew better than to anger him.  It would be disastrous.   But, that crazy bride wanted him.  Why not let her have him?  I didn't want him.  Never did.

So I ran.  He chased after me.  The evil bride chased him.  Then the dream skips.

I was in a house with my entire side family (husband, kids, sisters and their families, aunts, mom, grandmother...everyone).  We were on the 2nd story of this house.  And a horrible storm was brewing up outside.  HORRIBLE!!  I don't know if it was the "unseen" and the evil bride who made this storm, or if this was a totally different dream.

The clouds were incredibly dark and swirling.  The wind was going in all different directions and taking the clouds with them.  It was doing incredible things to the clouds.  Rain was slamming onto the side of house.  Lightening and thunder surrounded us.  Tornadoes were in the distance.   They surrounded us. Everyone inside the house, but me, was calm.  I kept running from window to window keeping an eye on the storm.  And as conditions changed, I was making a plan.  Where were all going to go should a tornado hit us?  From where would it hit?  What were our best options?  We needed to make it downstairs!  But do to the storm, for some reason, we couldn't.  We were trapped on the 2nd floor of this home.  Everyone kept telling me it was going to be okay.  But looking out those windows, I don't know how they could say that.

Just then, the clouds and wind and storm did something I can't quite explain.  The all culminated into this massive wind tunnel.  A massive super tornado.  And here it was, heading right towards us.  If it hit us....  I ran down the hall and opened a door to what I thought was downstairs to check to see if we could get down there now.  The wind was fierce.  The answer was no.  We couldn't leave the floor.  But I took a deep breath of the wind, and then shut the door.  I felt re-energized.  I walked back to the window and watched just as the storm was about to hit the corner of the house.  The corner everyone was in.  And just then, it happened.

The clouds broke.  The sun came shining through.  Everything dissipated.  It was beautiful out.  And my family never flinched.  And after I took that breath of air in, well, it affected me.  I was calm.

I woke up shaking.  First evil things, then my biggest fear, tornadoes.  The whole dream (or dreams, still not sure if it was one or two), had me wondering.  I sat down to have my coffee and pondered this dream(s).  And that's when I heard it, "A break in the clouds".

I feel like I have been in one hell of a terrible life storm lately.  It was beating me down.  It has me worried.  But what if....  What if this dream is to encourage me that I just to keep breathing Him in, and I'll see that break in the clouds?  What if it's just another reminder that it won't last forever?

Now the Tim Burton-Y stuff.....  I'm lost on.  I have a few thoughts.  What if the bride was Jezebel?  What if the Unseen one is the devil?  What if I'm in some sort of spiritual battle with the 2? 

What if this dream is showing me my spiritual battles right now and showing me that all I need to do is trust in Him, and it'll be okay?

Then again, it could all be because I ate before bed.  *shrugs*

You never know with dreams......

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*notes on Jezebel

In the Bible, Jezebel was a powerful, wicked queen, and wife of a passive king called Ahab. She was a false prophetess who worshiped the false god, Baal. Baal was the god of prosperity, god of the harvests, god of fertility and sex. (Does this sound like some of the modern day gospels that some people preach?)

Child sacrifices were common. She was killed by several eunuchs at the order of commander Jehu.   Some say she was witch.

There is Spirit of Jezebel is still around.  It is hard to explain.  But it's about control.  It's about deception.  It's false doctrines.  It's about distorting things.  It's about power.  It's lust, sexual and non-sexual (as in lust for money, ect.)    It's carries with it a lack of humility and a sense of pompousness.  It's all about destroying that which is true and good.  It's manipulation.  Huh.  The more I think about it, maybe she is the perfect bride for Satan. Kinda the female version.  Kinda.  It's a very powerful spirit.  It's along study.  But I tried to sum it up the best I could to give you some kind of idea of what in the world I was talking about.

------------------------------------------

Like I said...maybe there is a point to all these seemingly crazy dreams.  Or maybe not.  Time will tell.  I do know I have peace today.  I know that I do believe a break in the clouds is coming for me.  And that gives me hope and happiness. 

The Hurt & The Healer

"The Hurt & The Healer"

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all the scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

It's been a week...

It's been a week today (okay, tonight it'll be a week) since he left us.  I have questioned so much.  I'm holding on to the one thing that I know I have, my faith.  But today has been a struggle. Today has been so hard.

I should have.....  fill in the blanks.  I should have, could have, would have....so much.  And it hurts.  I want so much to hug him one last time.  Tell him how much I love him.  How much I have always loved him.  How much he will always mean to me.  How important he was to my kids and husband too.

Today hurts.  I hurt.  This hurts.  I hate this.  Another important man in my life, gone.  Oh God...this hurts.  And now...with everything else going on....  I don't know how much more losing of the men I love I can take.

Tonight is not going to be a good night. It hasn't been a good day.   I bought some bubbly.  I'm going to do my best to celebrate him.  But if I'm being honest, I think a part of me will be drowning my pain as well.  Right.  Wrong.  I don't care.  We each cope in our ways.  I've had hard time with all of this.  But I'm doing it, one day at a time.  I think I'm allowed to fall apart tonight if I need it.  It's grief.  We all handle it differently.  And I'm just being honest.

I know I'm going to be okay.  I KNOW it.  It's just getting there that's hard.  I'm not going to roll over and give up.  I'm going to be okay.  But I have refused to try and deal with this.  And I think I owe it him and me and my family to start.  And tonight is as good a time as any.

I can't believe a week has passed.  I can't believe he has passed.  I can't believe a lot of things about all of this.  I feel alone in this.  I know I'm not, I do.  But I feel that way.

I hoping that tomorrow will be a much better day.

Broken - Lifehouse (with lyrics)

I found this by accident tonight while surging YouTube. It's perfect. Not just for me. I know a lot of people going through a lot of different things. Some have lost a loved one, some have marital issues, some lost a child, one's lost a spouse and has young kids, job loss..... I just wanted to share. In case anyone who reads this ... well, in case it speaks to your heart too.

(psst...btw...I know some of you follow this through other blogs. Thank you. I appreciate it. Never be afraid to comment or follow. Just know you are appreciated.)





The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In Your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to You

The broken locks were a warning You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see Your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In Your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to You

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what You throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words You say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In Your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to You

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to You

What If.....

This song came on the radio on the way to the store today (I know it's been posted before). I love it when I get gentle reminders like this.

His healing came through our tears. We prayed for mercy and got it. And now he is pain free and we are still crying. "The pain reminds this heart, that this is not, this is not our home." I needed that reminder. This life is going to hurt. We are going to lose ones we love. We are going to face trials and tribulations (if you read the bible, you know that Jesus promised we would). It's good to know that it's time like these, we still have Him to comfort us.

My grandfather's death did more than just leave a void in my life. It brought up old wounds and opened the door to ones. So maybe this is a blessing in disguise in more ways than one. It is forcing me to deal with things I did not want to deal with, or wasn't done dealing with. My Granddad had a fear. He feared his passing might leave a hole. But I think instead, he's going to get his heart's desire. I think, in the end, his death is going to bring us all even closer.(we're all pretty close now)   We have to deal with some things. Each of us has our own hurdles. But what if....

What if my Mom and sister's get a better relationship with their mom out of this? (it's not bad at all! But what if it gets even better?)
What if my relationship with my mom gets better? (again, nothing wrong there...just better)
What if I am able to become even closer to my aunts and cousins and other family through this?
What if my marriage (in case you haven't guessed, has taken a direct hit) comes out stronger on the other side of this?

I'm already learning a lot about love and forgiveness. Please don't get me wrong. I still have a lot more to learn. And I have a feeling I'm only just beginning to scratch the surface of this. But, I'm not sure these are lessons I would ever have learned any other way.

I keep a journal. Every night before bed, I write in it. I documents my life and my prayers. It's my open communication with the Lord. If you think I share too much here, you should see the journal. lol Yet another perk of the journal, it allows me to go into more details and not have the world know it. I don't mind. I would love to share all my deepest things here, but others might mind. And I have to be respectful of them. Anyway, as the Lord is revealing things to me about love and forgiveness, I see amazing things happening daily. For example:

With all my grieving (or lack there of, depending how you see it), I was hurt tremendously by my husband during a course of events following my Grandfather's death. (please know, my husband is a good man. Kind. Caring. Honorable. Faithful. Generous. Smart. Loving. This is in no way meant to slander him. He is amazing.  He did not beat me or cheat or anything major like that.  He's a good man.) Things were done, though, that can never be undone (again, awesome man! I promise). And I'm having a hard time dealing with this on top of everything else. And every night since, I have written in my journal about this. I have written how I feel, how I hurt, how I am at loss at what to do. I write my prayers for help and what I think I need in order to heal, and give it all over to Him. It is all very heartfelt, very real, very deep, very honest, very painful. But every day, I am learning more about me, my heart, and this love and forgiveness thing. And every morning, the Lord has answered a prayer. There is some change or something said or done that is in direct correlation to my prayers. I have never in my life seen answer to prayer so fast. Ever. It usually more of a "hurry up and wait and trust" kind of thing. But I am blown away right now by His faithfulness. I am learning so much about myself, about my marriage, about life, and yes (as mentioned before) love and forgiveness. And as I also already stated, I'm just scratching the surface. I still have much to learn. But, again...What if?

What if my husband is right? What if everything does happen for a reason?
What if the reason is just stupidity? Or bad choices due to extreme circumstances? What then? Well, doesn't scripture say that He will work all things for the good of those that love Him? And if I believe that, then no matter if was meant to be, or just bad choices, why can't I believe that Lord has a plan and can turn this around for good? I just need to trust and follow Him. And that's what I'm trying to do. God knows I can't do this on my own. I don't have the answers. And I'd just screw it all up anyway. I have to believe that my marriage is going through this for a reason. And in the end, we'll be stronger than ever. We've come through so much already.

So "what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise"

What if ... a year from now, we are all happy? What if this forces us to face demons we haven't wanted to or even knew existed?

A great man is gone. But we didn't lose him. We gained him for eternity. (Thank you to the wonderful woman in my life that brought this perspective to me). I have to hold on to this. We all do. And I have to trust, through all this, the Lord has a plan for our family, as a whole, and individually.

I loved this song once for it all meant during a different period of my life. And now I have new appreciation for it. I think, maybe, I'm not the only one.

Laura Story - “Blessings” Lyrics

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Found It!!

At first I forgot I ever had it.  Then I just thought I lost it.  But I think I found it today!  And I'm so happy!  I don't know what I'd ever do with out it.  It's gotten me through so much in life. 

The last time I lost it, I found it with my kids.  This time, I found with some other loved ones, in their caring words and thought and concerns.  (and okay...maybe some with my kids too) 

What is it I lost and found?  My gumption!  My will to survive and come out stronger in the end.  My will not to let life and all it's problems beat me down.

I'm tired of being in this place of.... What is it?  Mopiness?(is that how it's even spelled?)  Crankiness?  Sadness?  Sorrow?  Confusion?  Anger?  Guilt?  Doubt? I'm not sure there is a right word or combination of words for it.  But I'm sick of it.  And I'm sure those who love me are sick of it too.

Do I have all the answers yet?  Nope.  Not in the least.  But I don't have to have them.  I just have to be willing to fight through this mountain of crap being thrown at me.  And I don't have to be strong enough to do it all at once either.  One thing at a time.

The first thing on my agenda is really dealing with my Grandfather's death.  I don't want too.  I'm sure as hell not looking forward to it.  But I need to do it.  Maybe I'll do it this weekend.  A nice bottle of wine...maybe even with some others I know are struggling.  We'll see.  But somehow, someway, I need to find closure.  I think not having a formal funeral is really screwing me up.  But I do have to find a healthy way to deal with this, because he wouldn't want me to be the mess I have become.  That's for certain.

After that, I can deal with certain things that surrounded and followed his death, and have had direct influences on relationships in my life.  And then I can deal with those relationships.

That sounds like a nice little timeline to follow, right?  I'm not sure how long each section is going to last.  I'm not sure how to go about each section that needs dealt with.  But I am sure if I take each thing one at a time, and give it whatever time is needed, I can come out the other end stronger.

I'm sure I'm still going to have rough days.  I'm sure I'm going to cry, a lot.  But that's okay.  As long as every day isn't bad, I'm good.  As long as I let it out and not hold it in, I'm good.  I know it's going to take time, and that's okay.  As long as I give it however much time is needed.

I'm done rolling over, moping, trying not feel, and not being myself.  I'm tired of letting it all pile up on top of me (much like this mountain of socks I have been putting off matching.  I guess I know what I'm doing once I hit post).  I can do this, with support, one day at a time.  And I'm going too.  Period.  Because anything less is unacceptable.