The title is from Julius Caesar. The Soothsayer said it, I think. I'm not sure about the "Ides" exactly (which is the 15th of March I to believe), but I can tell you right now, I HATE MARCH! HATE IT!! (okay... a few years ago my car was totaled on March 15 by an idiot who ran a stop sign...so maybe there is something to it after all. lol)
Every year, from March-May, my husband's work goes on this competition to sell as much as possible. My husband practically lives there anyway, but these 3 months are the worst. He will pretty work 12 -14 hour days, EVERY day, 6 days a week most weeks. Although we both will do our best to make sure that no longer happens, sometimes it is what it is. It's hard time for me. It's hard for him. We call this time "Hell". Because to us, it is.
Then there is remembering....
My cousin died in a car accident when he was 16 (he was not driving and not at fault). His birthday is this month. He would have been 34 I believe. You can't have March without thinking of him.
He was the kinda guy, even at 16, that just infected you. His smile lit up his face and the room. He was a big family man. Always was. He loved being with family, all of us. On holidays, he would bring fun things for us all to do together. I like to imagine that if he were still around today he probably would have served in the armed forces. He'd have a wife. And he would have been an amazing dad. He wasn't your typical teenager. That's not say he didn't like some of the typical things teenage boys like, but I have never met another man that age that was as deeply rooted in common sense and family values as he was.
My father died when I was just a little girl on March 27th. That alone is enough to just hate this month. So anyway, you can see, that this time of year (March) has my family deep in thoughts of loved ones passed.
This year, we add another one that list, my Granddad who just passed. You see, Granddad was Irish. And his favorite holiday (other than Christmas) was St. Patrick's Day. My family always gets together for this holiday. We make a ton of food! It's always a good time. This year, it will be the first holiday we will celebrate with my Grandfather here. Add to that, that it was one of his favorites, well.... You can imagine.
I, in some ways, am not looking forward to this weekend. I'm not looking forward to the tears and pain I know this weekend holds for all of us. It's the first holiday without him. It's another reminder that our lives are going on without him (without all of them).
But in other ways, I am looking forward to this weekend. I am looking forward to the comfort of being with family, my family. I am looking forward to the talks and laughter. I'm looking forward to the food. I'm looking forward to us all just being together again and going through this together. I love that my family is like this. I know a lot families out there live too far from each other or don't make the effort to stay close. I know a lot of families are full of drama and they only think that families like mine only exist on the big screen. And that just makes me all the more thankful for what I have. It makes my family all the more precious to me. All of them.
March is not my most favorite month. It's probably my least favorite (after January). But as painful as this month is, it also serves as a reminder of all I do have, of the family I still have that love me, and how I love them. It helps me to stop and stock of where I am in life and remember some of the things that passed family members have taught me.
March is when spring is ushered in.,a time of renewal and new life. A time of hope. I stop and think of what my family members who are no longer here meant to me. I am reminded of the blessings they were to me, to have such great men in my life... amazing. I stop and look at all who are in my life now, family and friends, and smile at the blessing each one is to me. March forces me to look at my life and count all my blessings. So perhaps, in some ways, it's a renewal time for me too.
Perhaps March isn't all bad. Maybe it's more of a two edged sword. One side does hurt, no doubt. But without that hurt perhaps I would not stop and take the time to realize all the good I have in my life today.
I can't wait to be with my family again this weekend. I think a part of me really needs it.
I don't know if I'll write again before this weekend. So just in case: Happy St. Patrick's Day Y'all! Enjoy the time you have those who mean something to you. You never know when it may be the last.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Looking Back
The past few days I have been looking back over the past few months. I have been trying to see the bigger picture. I have been trying to evaluate where I have gone wrong, or what I could have done differently.
I know my house has been riddled with sickness. But we eat pretty healthy, and my kids take vitamins. I don't know there was a lot I could do here. EXCEPT....
While pretty much being home bound lately due to either sick kids or a sick me, I did realize one thing towards the end of all the illness: As stir crazy as I was becoming from not being able to go many places because we were sick, I did enjoy our place of solitude. I don't know that I have ever been that content for that long because of illness. And I realized, almost a little too late, that I at least had the blessing of home I love (REALLY love) to stay couped up in. It helps to like the place you are stuck in. It only adds to the frustration when you can't stand where you live. And I am very thankful I got to be quarantined in our new home.
As far as my Granddad goes.... I know he knows I love him. Always has. That has to be enough. I can't go back in time and spend more time with him before he was sick. I can't go back fix things I didn't like about how I handled certain things. However, I can use what I have learned in the future. I can make sure the ones in my life now know what they mean to me and how important they are to me. I can make sure to try my hardest to communicate better with everyone and not make the same mistakes.
Then there is what took place to that put bump in my marriage.......
The truth is, it hurt. Still does. But who among us is without fault? Which one of us has never needed forgiveness? I gotta tell ya, I know I need it. A lot. I know I have screwed up in some major ways in the past.
The truth is I love him. And he loves me. And that means we have to learn from our mistakes and forgive each other. When I look upon my life, there is really no one else I want beside me. He is going to screw up and make mistakes. Some bigger than others. But then again, so am I. We have to love each other in spite of our faults and screw ups. We have to learn from what we can and move forward, together. And that's what I want to do. He's my best friend. I can't imagine my life without him (or some of those faults that drive me crazy). He's a part of me. He is worthy of forgiveness because I love him. I know there have been times I have needed his forgiveness. And let's face it, we both know there will be more. That's life. So we are moving forward from here. Slowly, but together. And that makes me happy. =)
As far as the path we took that didn't work out goes, I'm glad we did it. Yes it hurt that it didn't work out. But the experience opened both our eyes up to new possibilities. And it also stretched us and was yet another round of learning to deal with disappointment. And I know that we can take the next narrow path that comes our way together and not have the fear that if it doesn't work out we will fall apart. We have leaned on each other and helped each other through this disappointment. That was good. And it was good for my marriage. We may not understand why things happen as they do, but we may not always need to (as much as we want to). This experience helped us build character and strength in our marriage. Isn't that worth it?
Ok, so life has been a bit rough lately. And ... yeah.... we have had plenty of disappointments in the past two months. But I need to learn from these experiences. I need to try to find some good in every situation. It's okay that life knocks us down sometimes, as long as we learn from it. Then we get back up and go again. And that's what I'm trying to do here. I'm not saying that life isn't going to crap me out again. I'm sure it will. But I want to be better prepared the next time. I want to be able to move past it with more grace, and forward more quickly than this round. And maybe one day, with enough practice (geesh, that does NOT sound fun), I won't get knocked down. Maybe one day I'll be able stand through what life has to throw at me. And perhaps even throw a great punch back at life, and win. Who knows!?
Until then, I will have to continue learning and growing. And it may not always feel good or be fun, it may down right hurt, but that is life. Isn't it? It's like marriage. You take the good and the bad. Learn from it all. And then keep going.
I know my house has been riddled with sickness. But we eat pretty healthy, and my kids take vitamins. I don't know there was a lot I could do here. EXCEPT....
While pretty much being home bound lately due to either sick kids or a sick me, I did realize one thing towards the end of all the illness: As stir crazy as I was becoming from not being able to go many places because we were sick, I did enjoy our place of solitude. I don't know that I have ever been that content for that long because of illness. And I realized, almost a little too late, that I at least had the blessing of home I love (REALLY love) to stay couped up in. It helps to like the place you are stuck in. It only adds to the frustration when you can't stand where you live. And I am very thankful I got to be quarantined in our new home.
As far as my Granddad goes.... I know he knows I love him. Always has. That has to be enough. I can't go back in time and spend more time with him before he was sick. I can't go back fix things I didn't like about how I handled certain things. However, I can use what I have learned in the future. I can make sure the ones in my life now know what they mean to me and how important they are to me. I can make sure to try my hardest to communicate better with everyone and not make the same mistakes.
Then there is what took place to that put bump in my marriage.......
The truth is, it hurt. Still does. But who among us is without fault? Which one of us has never needed forgiveness? I gotta tell ya, I know I need it. A lot. I know I have screwed up in some major ways in the past.
The truth is I love him. And he loves me. And that means we have to learn from our mistakes and forgive each other. When I look upon my life, there is really no one else I want beside me. He is going to screw up and make mistakes. Some bigger than others. But then again, so am I. We have to love each other in spite of our faults and screw ups. We have to learn from what we can and move forward, together. And that's what I want to do. He's my best friend. I can't imagine my life without him (or some of those faults that drive me crazy). He's a part of me. He is worthy of forgiveness because I love him. I know there have been times I have needed his forgiveness. And let's face it, we both know there will be more. That's life. So we are moving forward from here. Slowly, but together. And that makes me happy. =)
As far as the path we took that didn't work out goes, I'm glad we did it. Yes it hurt that it didn't work out. But the experience opened both our eyes up to new possibilities. And it also stretched us and was yet another round of learning to deal with disappointment. And I know that we can take the next narrow path that comes our way together and not have the fear that if it doesn't work out we will fall apart. We have leaned on each other and helped each other through this disappointment. That was good. And it was good for my marriage. We may not understand why things happen as they do, but we may not always need to (as much as we want to). This experience helped us build character and strength in our marriage. Isn't that worth it?
Ok, so life has been a bit rough lately. And ... yeah.... we have had plenty of disappointments in the past two months. But I need to learn from these experiences. I need to try to find some good in every situation. It's okay that life knocks us down sometimes, as long as we learn from it. Then we get back up and go again. And that's what I'm trying to do here. I'm not saying that life isn't going to crap me out again. I'm sure it will. But I want to be better prepared the next time. I want to be able to move past it with more grace, and forward more quickly than this round. And maybe one day, with enough practice (geesh, that does NOT sound fun), I won't get knocked down. Maybe one day I'll be able stand through what life has to throw at me. And perhaps even throw a great punch back at life, and win. Who knows!?
Until then, I will have to continue learning and growing. And it may not always feel good or be fun, it may down right hurt, but that is life. Isn't it? It's like marriage. You take the good and the bad. Learn from it all. And then keep going.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
A two post kind of day
So, earlier today we got some unfortunate news. And yes, it knocked me for a loop. I gotta tell ya, I'm learning something about myself, and I'm not real sure if I like it.
I don't deal well with disappointment. Especially when life seems to throw it at me over and over and over again. It would seem as if I feel every damn hurt and sting deeply for a time period. Whether it's a few hours, a few days, or God forbid a few weeks.... I feel it and I feel it deep. That sucks. I do get knocked down. Hard. But after whatever time period I guess my mind and my heart deem it necessary to wallow in defeat, I seem to find my gumption again.
Today I was knocked down. I spent the afternoon asking the normal questions:
Why? Why us? Why did this happen? What could we have done differently? And so on and so forth. But then I always come back to this question:
If I had the answers, what would it change? The truth is no matter how awful something is (or we perceive it to be), it is what it is. We can't change it. What matters now is how we deal with it. It's like that saying:
"It is what it is, but it will become what you make it."
I don't know if me falling apart for a period is a good thing or a bad. But I do know it's my way of starting to deal with things. I get it all out, however long it takes. Then I am able to move on. And that's where I am at tonight.
The road less traveled in this case had a dead end. So we're back to the road we know all too well (and hate and loathe and despise). But we know it, this path. And until we are called once again to try yet another path, we will stay on this one and do all we can to kick it's butt and not have it kick ours.
The time for wallowing is over. Does it suck? Yup. Still sucks. But it's time to put on my big girl panties and move on. So what if it is not the direction we were hoping to head in. I have to trust that somewhere down that road was something that wasn't pretty, even uglier than this, and it wouldn't have been good for us. This, this we know how to do. We've done disappointment before. We know to lean on each other and our faith. And we are. Perhaps with all we have going on personally, another change wasn't good for us at this time. I still believe with all my heart that a big change is still needed and I still hope it's on the way. But timing is everything, right? And I want it when the time is right.
So, here we ago again. But at least we have each other. I have to tell you, things in my marriage may not be all sunshine and roses right now, but that's okay. I know there is no one I really want beside when things get rough. And that says it all, doesn't it?
So tomorrow is a new day. We'll tackle it together, and work through our bump and detour as a team. Life isn't always going to to be good to us. In fact, if I have learned anything it's that life is full of gloom and disappointment more than anything else at times. But we can't let that color the way we see life all the time. Give the hurts, the disappointments, the gloom, the bad and the ugly their moment. Feel it, but don't wallow in it for too long. Remember, there are days full of sunshine too. Days where the flowers bloom bright. We have to find a balance. Best way to do that?
1. Look for the silver linings on the gloomy days
2. Stop to smell the roses and enjoy the sunshine when possible. It will get you through the rough storms.
3. Find someone or something to hold onto when the storms of life come your way. A Rock. I have learned I have many. My family, my husband, and my Faith.
4. And when all else fails, cry with the rain when needed, then go out and dance in it. Own it. Make it yours. Splash in the puddles. Because as the saying goes....you can't have rainbows with out the rain.
I don't deal well with disappointment. Especially when life seems to throw it at me over and over and over again. It would seem as if I feel every damn hurt and sting deeply for a time period. Whether it's a few hours, a few days, or God forbid a few weeks.... I feel it and I feel it deep. That sucks. I do get knocked down. Hard. But after whatever time period I guess my mind and my heart deem it necessary to wallow in defeat, I seem to find my gumption again.
Today I was knocked down. I spent the afternoon asking the normal questions:
Why? Why us? Why did this happen? What could we have done differently? And so on and so forth. But then I always come back to this question:
If I had the answers, what would it change? The truth is no matter how awful something is (or we perceive it to be), it is what it is. We can't change it. What matters now is how we deal with it. It's like that saying:
"It is what it is, but it will become what you make it."
I don't know if me falling apart for a period is a good thing or a bad. But I do know it's my way of starting to deal with things. I get it all out, however long it takes. Then I am able to move on. And that's where I am at tonight.
The road less traveled in this case had a dead end. So we're back to the road we know all too well (and hate and loathe and despise). But we know it, this path. And until we are called once again to try yet another path, we will stay on this one and do all we can to kick it's butt and not have it kick ours.
The time for wallowing is over. Does it suck? Yup. Still sucks. But it's time to put on my big girl panties and move on. So what if it is not the direction we were hoping to head in. I have to trust that somewhere down that road was something that wasn't pretty, even uglier than this, and it wouldn't have been good for us. This, this we know how to do. We've done disappointment before. We know to lean on each other and our faith. And we are. Perhaps with all we have going on personally, another change wasn't good for us at this time. I still believe with all my heart that a big change is still needed and I still hope it's on the way. But timing is everything, right? And I want it when the time is right.
So, here we ago again. But at least we have each other. I have to tell you, things in my marriage may not be all sunshine and roses right now, but that's okay. I know there is no one I really want beside when things get rough. And that says it all, doesn't it?
So tomorrow is a new day. We'll tackle it together, and work through our bump and detour as a team. Life isn't always going to to be good to us. In fact, if I have learned anything it's that life is full of gloom and disappointment more than anything else at times. But we can't let that color the way we see life all the time. Give the hurts, the disappointments, the gloom, the bad and the ugly their moment. Feel it, but don't wallow in it for too long. Remember, there are days full of sunshine too. Days where the flowers bloom bright. We have to find a balance. Best way to do that?
1. Look for the silver linings on the gloomy days
2. Stop to smell the roses and enjoy the sunshine when possible. It will get you through the rough storms.
3. Find someone or something to hold onto when the storms of life come your way. A Rock. I have learned I have many. My family, my husband, and my Faith.
4. And when all else fails, cry with the rain when needed, then go out and dance in it. Own it. Make it yours. Splash in the puddles. Because as the saying goes....you can't have rainbows with out the rain.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Untitled
Life sucks. REALLY SUCKS so far this year. I don't understand. I don't.
Why is this happening?
I have been dealing with illness all year in some form or fashion. I lost someone I loved greatly. My marriage has taken a hit. And now this last thing... We kept praying in faith. The doors never closed. We kept taking each step one at a time and we got to the last step of a long journey to have the door shut in our faces. It really seemed like an answer to so many years of so many prayers. And to get to the end and have the rug pulled out from under us.... Why? What was the point of all of this? Why do we have to hurt again? And so soon! I find this cruel, very cruel.
I know all things work together for the good of those who believe, but where is the good in all of this? I don't want to wait and see. Then again, who am I to question You? I want answers and understanding though. I'm sorry. But I do. I'm hurting. I'm hurting so bad. I just don't know how much more I can take. And I need You to fix this. Please, fix this.
This seems all too familiar. The build up and disappointment. We did this song and dance last year. I really didn't plan to do it again. I don't want to do it again.
I'm angry. I'm really angry. I'm disappointed. I hurt. I'm confused. I just don't understand. And I know, Lord, I KNOW you know what you are doing. I know you see the end outcome. It would help if we could.
I don't know what your plans are for us anymore. And to be quite honest, I'm starting to doubt whether or not they are good. Maybe I just screwed up too much to have anything turn out good anymore. Maybe this is my penance.
Father, I'm hurting physically and emotionally. I need you to help me. I need you to fix this. Please. Help me understand. I don't need every answer, just something that makes some kind of sense would be nice.
I'm struggling with faith right now. I really am. A part of me knows better. But the part of me that hurts wants to lash out and put up walls. I'm struggling not to do that. Please help me. Please renew and restore my faith, for right now it's weak (not gone but weak). I feel weak all over. I just don't know how much more disappointment and heartache I can take this year. It's an awful lot to bare in such a short time.
I'm scared. I'm scared of what the future holds. I'm scared to trust in You right now for fear we will get hurt again. I'm so tired of hurting. Help us through this please. And give me strength. I need it.
Please forgive me for lashing out in my pain. I'm sorry. Please help us.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen.
Why is this happening?
I have been dealing with illness all year in some form or fashion. I lost someone I loved greatly. My marriage has taken a hit. And now this last thing... We kept praying in faith. The doors never closed. We kept taking each step one at a time and we got to the last step of a long journey to have the door shut in our faces. It really seemed like an answer to so many years of so many prayers. And to get to the end and have the rug pulled out from under us.... Why? What was the point of all of this? Why do we have to hurt again? And so soon! I find this cruel, very cruel.
I know all things work together for the good of those who believe, but where is the good in all of this? I don't want to wait and see. Then again, who am I to question You? I want answers and understanding though. I'm sorry. But I do. I'm hurting. I'm hurting so bad. I just don't know how much more I can take. And I need You to fix this. Please, fix this.
This seems all too familiar. The build up and disappointment. We did this song and dance last year. I really didn't plan to do it again. I don't want to do it again.
I'm angry. I'm really angry. I'm disappointed. I hurt. I'm confused. I just don't understand. And I know, Lord, I KNOW you know what you are doing. I know you see the end outcome. It would help if we could.
I don't know what your plans are for us anymore. And to be quite honest, I'm starting to doubt whether or not they are good. Maybe I just screwed up too much to have anything turn out good anymore. Maybe this is my penance.
Father, I'm hurting physically and emotionally. I need you to help me. I need you to fix this. Please. Help me understand. I don't need every answer, just something that makes some kind of sense would be nice.
I'm struggling with faith right now. I really am. A part of me knows better. But the part of me that hurts wants to lash out and put up walls. I'm struggling not to do that. Please help me. Please renew and restore my faith, for right now it's weak (not gone but weak). I feel weak all over. I just don't know how much more disappointment and heartache I can take this year. It's an awful lot to bare in such a short time.
I'm scared. I'm scared of what the future holds. I'm scared to trust in You right now for fear we will get hurt again. I'm so tired of hurting. Help us through this please. And give me strength. I need it.
Please forgive me for lashing out in my pain. I'm sorry. Please help us.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Tornados last night
We had some HORRIBLE storms come through the area last night. HORRIBLE!! The same front had sparked killer tornadoes all throughout the east before hitting here. One of my biggest fears is tornadoes.
I woke up when the first storm hit. I have never in my life seen lightening as crazy as that. Ever. The wind had the rain going sideways. And I felt something I have never felt before, fear.
I have lived through a lot. I have lived abusive situations, I have lived through scary car wrecks, and I lived through really difficult births. I have even had a 2 month old in the hospital with a fever of almost 105 (104.7). But this fear was different from all of those. I'm not sure I can explain it. It was fear deep down to the core of you. I just know I'll never forget it. Ever. (this wasn't to discount any of the other experiences, but this fear was just different. Very different)
My husband went and checked on the kids and got our phones (so we could track the storms on radar). I began praying before he even woke up. I prayed for the safety of all our loved ones. I was praying in fear and faith. I prayed until the storm passed without ceasing. Several more storms hit, and I prayed through those as well. It was a long night to say the least.
I wake up this morning and my Mother-In-Law (MIL) contacts me. She was woken up in the middle of the night too, but not by storms, per say. She says the Lord woke her up and told her pray. (we all live in the same area). So she did.
Guess what? A tornado came through last night. It just missed my husband's aunt's house not far from us (10 minute drive by car maybe, a whole lot less by the crow flies). It's been a very surreal morning, that is for sure. Today I am so thankful for answered prayers. Everyone we know and love is safe. And amazingly enough, the news is only reporting 3 injuries at this time. No fatalities.
Here are some photos from it all:
I am so thankful I was awake and felt the burden to pray. This just hit a little to close to home for my liking. I do believe in prayer. And mine, and my MIL's were answered. And from looking at some of the is damage, if only 3 people were hurt, and no one killed, I'd say that is a miracle in itself.
Thank you God for answered prayers. Thank you for keeping us all safe.
I woke up when the first storm hit. I have never in my life seen lightening as crazy as that. Ever. The wind had the rain going sideways. And I felt something I have never felt before, fear.
I have lived through a lot. I have lived abusive situations, I have lived through scary car wrecks, and I lived through really difficult births. I have even had a 2 month old in the hospital with a fever of almost 105 (104.7). But this fear was different from all of those. I'm not sure I can explain it. It was fear deep down to the core of you. I just know I'll never forget it. Ever. (this wasn't to discount any of the other experiences, but this fear was just different. Very different)
My husband went and checked on the kids and got our phones (so we could track the storms on radar). I began praying before he even woke up. I prayed for the safety of all our loved ones. I was praying in fear and faith. I prayed until the storm passed without ceasing. Several more storms hit, and I prayed through those as well. It was a long night to say the least.
I wake up this morning and my Mother-In-Law (MIL) contacts me. She was woken up in the middle of the night too, but not by storms, per say. She says the Lord woke her up and told her pray. (we all live in the same area). So she did.
Guess what? A tornado came through last night. It just missed my husband's aunt's house not far from us (10 minute drive by car maybe, a whole lot less by the crow flies). It's been a very surreal morning, that is for sure. Today I am so thankful for answered prayers. Everyone we know and love is safe. And amazingly enough, the news is only reporting 3 injuries at this time. No fatalities.
Here are some photos from it all:
I am so thankful I was awake and felt the burden to pray. This just hit a little to close to home for my liking. I do believe in prayer. And mine, and my MIL's were answered. And from looking at some of the is damage, if only 3 people were hurt, and no one killed, I'd say that is a miracle in itself.
Thank you God for answered prayers. Thank you for keeping us all safe.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Homesick
I know it's only been 2 weeks. But I love you. I miss you, Granddad. I'm glad you are where you are. And one day, one day I'll see you again. ♥
Thursday, March 1, 2012
It's Time for a Change.
Ever have so many thoughts going through your head at one time, you know you need to sort them, but have no idea where to start? Well, that's me right now. So let me apologize now if this post goes a little hay wire and doesn't seem to flow like it should. I'm sorry.
Life has been all kinds of crazy lately for sure. And before the proverbial "crap" hit the fan, we were faced with a choice. Life as we knew it? Or a path not taken? We chose the path not taken.
It was not a choice we came to lightly. We talked, a lot. We talked about benefits and possible consequences. We talked about the changes it would mean for our family. We sought out wise counsel. We prayed. A lot! And in the end, we came to the same conclusion.
It's not been easy. We have taken each step on this new path in prayer, "Lord, we believe this to be Your will for us. If it's not, close the door.". So far, so good. But fear...oh that fear...is knocking at the door of my thinking lately.
We know it's time for change. A big change. And, like is normal with life, change is scary. No matter how good the perceived change may be, it's still change. It's still different. That makes it scary. The unknown always comes with fear. Unless, that is, you choose to walk in faith.
That is where we are right now. That is where I am. I am trying to stay in faith.
We found out some things lately that just had our head spinning and just seemed to really solidify for us that we needed to choose a new path. That is comforting. But then, then you really start to want it. You really start wanting what you think this new path has in store for you. You get fixated on it. You make it a desire of your heart. You long for it, even. And as soon as you do that, fear starts knocking.
What if?
What if this isn't meant to be?
What if we got our hearts set on something that just is not meant for us?
What if we get hurt?
Ah...there it is, that last one: What if we get hurt?
I have been in prayer a lot lately. It's not easy to say "Lord, you now how bad we want this, but if it is not what's best, please shut the door". Especially when you realize how badly you want it. Especially when you are already a good ways down that new path. Because, what if it was all about taking that leap of faith? What if it was all about divine appointments that would have never been made had we not started down the new path? And now it's time to turn around and head back? How would that feel?
OUCH! That's how that would feel. It would hurt. A lot. We'd be glad for the good that did come out of it, don't get me wrong! But it would be hard to know that we had to go back to what wasn't working. Especially when we are both so ready for something that will work. It would be hard to go back to the drawing board, and start again. We don't have a lot of energy left in us right now to do that over and over again.
Oh those little seeds of doubt and fear. They suck the life out of you if you let them. I have fed them some, no doubt. I wanted to deal with them. They are still there, knocking. I won't lie. But the knock is softer now, not so much of a hard banging anymore. =)
I now that all things work together for the good of those that Believe. I know we've prayed about this. I have to let go. I have to trust that God knows what's best, no matter what I think it may be. I have to trust that He will take care of us. I have done this before. I did this when we built the house. I can do this now. Right?
If everything turns out the way we think it will, the way we hope it will, it will ALL have been worth it. ALL OF IT!! (and one day I'll be able to expand on that more) I have to trust in His timing. I think this is it. My husband and I are both on the same page (which is rare when it comes to big changes). We seemed to get confirmations. Our hearts our invested. The door hasn't shut yet (although it does seem to be shutting where we need it too, which is yet another confirmation). This seems to be the answer to years of so many prayers. (yes, I said years).
I don't know how a God I love would choose to bring us this far, put us through so much, be pushing us out of one area and have us agree on it, and then take this all away; just to pull it all out from underneath us. I don't. So I am choosing to stand on faith here. I'm choosing to believe with all I have that this new path we are on is the right one. And I choose to believe there will be no U-Turns for us. I choose to believe that there is a happy ending in all this. And I will continue to believe all this, unless God does shut the door. And if that be the case, I will have to trust that His ways are right and good and just. I will have to trust that He knows what's best.
No matter what, no matter if this is our path or if this was just a way to see if we were willing to take a new path, I know we are in the right hands. And if this is all just some big test, meant to help a few others out along the way, so be it. If this isn't our path, I pray that the Lord make the path we are to take known. And no offense Lord, but the sooner the better. ;-)
We feel it's time for change. I keep going back to something I wrote down in my journal back in January. I wrote the word "Promises" down. I kept seeing that word in the spirit when I thought on this year and asked about this year. I kept feeling like that was the word He kept whispering in my ear. I wasn't exactly sure what that meant, but I have an idea. And I hope I'm right. Only time will tell. And right now, one thing I do know is, it's time for a change. Whatever change that may be.
Life has been all kinds of crazy lately for sure. And before the proverbial "crap" hit the fan, we were faced with a choice. Life as we knew it? Or a path not taken? We chose the path not taken.
It was not a choice we came to lightly. We talked, a lot. We talked about benefits and possible consequences. We talked about the changes it would mean for our family. We sought out wise counsel. We prayed. A lot! And in the end, we came to the same conclusion.
It's not been easy. We have taken each step on this new path in prayer, "Lord, we believe this to be Your will for us. If it's not, close the door.". So far, so good. But fear...oh that fear...is knocking at the door of my thinking lately.
We know it's time for change. A big change. And, like is normal with life, change is scary. No matter how good the perceived change may be, it's still change. It's still different. That makes it scary. The unknown always comes with fear. Unless, that is, you choose to walk in faith.
That is where we are right now. That is where I am. I am trying to stay in faith.
We found out some things lately that just had our head spinning and just seemed to really solidify for us that we needed to choose a new path. That is comforting. But then, then you really start to want it. You really start wanting what you think this new path has in store for you. You get fixated on it. You make it a desire of your heart. You long for it, even. And as soon as you do that, fear starts knocking.
What if?
What if this isn't meant to be?
What if we got our hearts set on something that just is not meant for us?
What if we get hurt?
Ah...there it is, that last one: What if we get hurt?
I have been in prayer a lot lately. It's not easy to say "Lord, you now how bad we want this, but if it is not what's best, please shut the door". Especially when you realize how badly you want it. Especially when you are already a good ways down that new path. Because, what if it was all about taking that leap of faith? What if it was all about divine appointments that would have never been made had we not started down the new path? And now it's time to turn around and head back? How would that feel?
OUCH! That's how that would feel. It would hurt. A lot. We'd be glad for the good that did come out of it, don't get me wrong! But it would be hard to know that we had to go back to what wasn't working. Especially when we are both so ready for something that will work. It would be hard to go back to the drawing board, and start again. We don't have a lot of energy left in us right now to do that over and over again.
Oh those little seeds of doubt and fear. They suck the life out of you if you let them. I have fed them some, no doubt. I wanted to deal with them. They are still there, knocking. I won't lie. But the knock is softer now, not so much of a hard banging anymore. =)
I now that all things work together for the good of those that Believe. I know we've prayed about this. I have to let go. I have to trust that God knows what's best, no matter what I think it may be. I have to trust that He will take care of us. I have done this before. I did this when we built the house. I can do this now. Right?
If everything turns out the way we think it will, the way we hope it will, it will ALL have been worth it. ALL OF IT!! (and one day I'll be able to expand on that more) I have to trust in His timing. I think this is it. My husband and I are both on the same page (which is rare when it comes to big changes). We seemed to get confirmations. Our hearts our invested. The door hasn't shut yet (although it does seem to be shutting where we need it too, which is yet another confirmation). This seems to be the answer to years of so many prayers. (yes, I said years).
I don't know how a God I love would choose to bring us this far, put us through so much, be pushing us out of one area and have us agree on it, and then take this all away; just to pull it all out from underneath us. I don't. So I am choosing to stand on faith here. I'm choosing to believe with all I have that this new path we are on is the right one. And I choose to believe there will be no U-Turns for us. I choose to believe that there is a happy ending in all this. And I will continue to believe all this, unless God does shut the door. And if that be the case, I will have to trust that His ways are right and good and just. I will have to trust that He knows what's best.
No matter what, no matter if this is our path or if this was just a way to see if we were willing to take a new path, I know we are in the right hands. And if this is all just some big test, meant to help a few others out along the way, so be it. If this isn't our path, I pray that the Lord make the path we are to take known. And no offense Lord, but the sooner the better. ;-)
We feel it's time for change. I keep going back to something I wrote down in my journal back in January. I wrote the word "Promises" down. I kept seeing that word in the spirit when I thought on this year and asked about this year. I kept feeling like that was the word He kept whispering in my ear. I wasn't exactly sure what that meant, but I have an idea. And I hope I'm right. Only time will tell. And right now, one thing I do know is, it's time for a change. Whatever change that may be.
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