Wednesday, December 15, 2010

had no idea where this was going to go.....

I have a surgery...a procedure...the day after tomorrow. And here I sit taking stock of my life.

Nothing should go wrong...pretty routine thing. But what if? Should something horribly unexpected happen...

Will my kids know how much I loved them and how much they were my life?
Will my husband know how much I always loved and adored him?
Will my family...all of them...know how much they made me smile? How much I knew I could count them? How very important each one was to me? How much each of them hold a special place in my heart?
Will my friends know how each of them impacted my life for the better? How each of them brightened my day?

I have done things I am not proud of. I have made mistakes, screwed up. But will they know how blessed I considered myself to know each and every one of them?

I'm even thinking of the other stuff.

I just saw a St. Jude's commercial on t.v. A cause my beloved late father was passionate about. And I found myself (as the commercial stated) giving thanks that I have NEVER had to be a visitor at that hospital. True, my 5 yr old, here on out known as Superstar, is my most sickly. We have had plenty of hospital stays here. But I'm so thankful, that as a whole, she was not more sick. Not sick with something that would land us at St. Jude's or some other elite medical hospital for children with horrible illnesses. I'm thankful for her health, and the health of my all my children.

I'm thankful for every smile. Every hug. For every hand made note and card they have given me. I find myself wishing there were times I wasn't in such a hurry that I quickly pushed those hugs away instead of lingering in their loving touches a few moments longer. =( I am dwelling on the times I was impatient or raised my voice to them. Is that what they will remember?

Or will they remember the hugs I gave them? The notes that awaited for them as they got ready for school? The special things we did together? The laughter we shared? The lessons they were taught? Our "special" days together? My promises kept? That I never lied to them? How I told them repeatedly, every day, that I loved them...even when they were punished? Our cooking together? The little surprise cinnamon roll mornings? Will they remember my love?

I wonder, even when I make it through all of this, as they get older and move on with their lives; if they will ever really understand how much they mean to me. I wonder if they'll ever know how much I truly loved and adored them. Maybe one day...when they are mothers (God willing).

I want so bad to run up the stairs (not an easy thing for me to do, especially when it's cold out and my joints all ache), and just get them, gather them into my bed, and just hold them. I won't of course. No need in waking them. They have school tomorrow and it's not what's best for them. But oh how I want too. However being a mommy means acting in their best interest, not my own. Tonight is out.... But perhaps tomorrow night, we can all snuggle and giggle in mommy's bed.

Will my Darling Husband (DH) know what impact he has made on my life? I know I haven't always been good to him. He has always deserved better than me. And still does. Does he know how much his forgiveness to me has meant over the years?

I know I was tough on him, more than I should have been. But does he know it's only because of how much I looked up to him? How much potential I saw in him? I think most of our arguments and problems in life where do to the fact that I had him on a pedestal. And when he fell from that.....I was heartbroken. And in anger and hurt, I reacted. Man I'm not proud of the things I have said. The things I have done. And yet, this man has always forgiven me. Will he continue to forgive me? How much grace can one man have for a woman?

Will he know how much I have always loved him. . . And still do?

I have much amends to make in this life still. I plan on sticking around to do them. But I can't help but wonder..... what if?

Will my mother know that she always been my hero? How I would pray as child grow up to be like her? She has modeled strength to me. Love. Forgiveness. She showed me, in her actions, what love and compassion was. What sacrifice was. She was an awesome mother. Still is. But she has also become an awesome friend.

Would my sisters know how deeply they are ingrained in my life, my heart. We have our memories, our stories. And as we have grown older, they have become my best friends. They complete the circle that is my life. Everyone should be so lucky to have sisters like I do. We don't always see eye to eye....but our love is never doubted. We have an unbreakable bond that I cherish. Will they know how much they mean to me?

I could go on to name names of my closest friends and how each has enriched my life. But I'd be sitting here all night. They know who they are. I just hope they know how dearly special they all are to me...truly...deeply.

I want to be a better person. I'm hoping that with this improved quality of life my procedure will give me, that I will also be an improved person. I'm working on it. I have a long way to go.

God, forgive me the evils I have done. Please. Please help me to change from the inside out. Help me be the person you created me to be....the friend, the sister, the daughter, the wife, the mother, the woman. Please, if You see fit to take me home (I pray I'd be going home), those I have loved know exactly what they have meant to me. Help them to know....and never forget.

In Jesus' name I pray...Amen.