Reflections: 2010

It's the morning of the last day of the year. And here I sit, reflecting back on the year. Most people are making New Year's Resolutions. Like:

Lose weight
Live Healthier (and all that it implies)
More Random Acts of Kindness
Find a church/Attend Church
Find a new house, one we call HOME

Yes, these are my resolutions for the upcoming year. But they aren't all of them. I have one very important one: FIND ME AGAIN.


All year it seems I have waited with baited breath for 2010 to end, 2011 to start. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. I started 2010 out on the wrong foot I think, now that I look back at it.

There are MANY things about 2010 I wish I could forget. Many things I wish I had done differently or not at all. Who had I become this past year? Someone I wasn't use too, that's for sure. I miss the sensible, grown-up me. The one who was a Mommy before anything else.

I lost myself in 2010. I plan on finding Me again in 2011.

2011 wasn't a total loss. I did make some amazing new friends! People I just adore!

I learned somethings about myself in this past year. Things I'm glad to have learned, and things that were pretty hard to swallow. But I think knowing both of these things can only help me in the coming year.

For the most part, I wish I could forget 2010. Just erase it from ever existing. But I know that can't happen. And I know doing that would also erase the few good things that did come from it.
But since this is one wish that isn't worth dwelling on....

Yup. Here I sit. Thinking back over the year. It's been painful. I don't think I have ever been so excited to start a new year as I am today. I can't wait to say Goodbye to 2010. Auf Wiedersehen!! Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Last year, I remember being fearful of the New Year and what it might bring. This year, I am hopeful. Excited. I can't wait. I'm so excited!

Welcome 2011!!! I promise to make the best of it! I promise to find ME again. I promise to be a better wife. A better mother. A better sister and daughter. A better friend. A better woman.

The only person who can change me, is me. (with some help from the Lord hopefully)

So here's to 2011!! May it be all that I hope it will be.

EDITED TO ADD:

My prayer for the upcoming year comes from a song I just love:

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

So...my procedure isn't until after 2 tomorrow...more likely 3. I can't eat after midnight tonight. This is what I'm worried about it. LOL Food. Hunger. LOL

I'm one of those people who get physically ill when I get hungry and don't eat. Now, flash forward to about 6 pm tomorrow night. Not having ate or drank in 18 hours or so. I'm not worried about the anesthesia making me sick. I'm worried about waking up from everything so hungry I'm sick. LOL Only me. I'm the only one I know that would worry about this. LOL THIS is my major concern. I'm so screwed up! lol

I got some good snuggle time with my girls tonight. Was able to ease any fears they had. I got to spend some time with one of my sisters. The other one called me. It's been wonderful. Tomorrow I know won't be pleasant. But by Monday I should be pretty good to go. And I know all this is for the better and that I'm in good hands. I know I have some good people praying for me.

So off I go to enjoy some yummy last minute stuff my husband brought home for me to enjoy. Because even if I am 'starving' when I get home tomorrow evening, chances are all I'm gonna want to do is sleep. So I'm gonna eat this yummy stuff while I can! lol

had no idea where this was going to go.....

I have a surgery...a procedure...the day after tomorrow. And here I sit taking stock of my life.

Nothing should go wrong...pretty routine thing. But what if? Should something horribly unexpected happen...

Will my kids know how much I loved them and how much they were my life?
Will my husband know how much I always loved and adored him?
Will my family...all of them...know how much they made me smile? How much I knew I could count them? How very important each one was to me? How much each of them hold a special place in my heart?
Will my friends know how each of them impacted my life for the better? How each of them brightened my day?

I have done things I am not proud of. I have made mistakes, screwed up. But will they know how blessed I considered myself to know each and every one of them?

I'm even thinking of the other stuff.

I just saw a St. Jude's commercial on t.v. A cause my beloved late father was passionate about. And I found myself (as the commercial stated) giving thanks that I have NEVER had to be a visitor at that hospital. True, my 5 yr old, here on out known as Superstar, is my most sickly. We have had plenty of hospital stays here. But I'm so thankful, that as a whole, she was not more sick. Not sick with something that would land us at St. Jude's or some other elite medical hospital for children with horrible illnesses. I'm thankful for her health, and the health of my all my children.

I'm thankful for every smile. Every hug. For every hand made note and card they have given me. I find myself wishing there were times I wasn't in such a hurry that I quickly pushed those hugs away instead of lingering in their loving touches a few moments longer. =( I am dwelling on the times I was impatient or raised my voice to them. Is that what they will remember?

Or will they remember the hugs I gave them? The notes that awaited for them as they got ready for school? The special things we did together? The laughter we shared? The lessons they were taught? Our "special" days together? My promises kept? That I never lied to them? How I told them repeatedly, every day, that I loved them...even when they were punished? Our cooking together? The little things...like surprise cinnamon roll mornings? Will they remember my love?

I wonder, even when I make it through all of this, as they get older and move on with their lives; if they will ever really understand how much they mean to me. I wonder if they'll ever know how much I truly loved and adored them. Maybe one day...when they are mothers (God willing).

I want so bad to run up the stairs (not an easy thing for me to do, especially when it's cold out and my joints all ache), and just get them, gather them into my bed, and just hold them. I won't of course. No need in waking them. They have school tomorrow and it's not what's best for them. But oh how I want too. However being a mommy means acting in their best interest, not my own. Tonight is out.... But perhaps tomorrow night, we can all snuggle and giggle in mommy's bed.

Will my Darling Husband (DH) know what impact he has made on my life? I know I haven't always been good to him. He has always deserved better than me. And still does. Does he know how much his forgiveness to me has meant over the years?

I know I was tough on him, more than I should have been. But does he know it's only because of how much I looked up to him? How much potential I saw in him? I think most of our arguments and problems in life where do to the fact that I had him on a pedestal. And when he fell from that.....I was heartbroken. And in anger and hurt, I reacted. Man I'm not proud of the things I have said. The things I have done. And yet, this man has always forgiven me. Will he continue to forgive me? How much grace can one man have for a woman?

Will he know how much I have always loved him. . . And still do?

I have much amends to make in this life still. I plan on sticking around to do them. But I can't help but wonder..... what if?

Will my mother know that she always been my hero? How I would pray as child grow up to be like her? She has modeled strength to me. Love. Forgiveness. She showed me, in her actions, what love and compassion was. What sacrifice was. She was an awesome mother. Still is. But she has also become an awesome friend.

Would my sisters know how deeply they are ingrained in my life, my heart. We have our memories, our stories. And as we have grown older, they have become my best friends. They complete the circle that is my life. Everyone should be so lucky to have sisters like I do. We don't always see eye to eye....but our love is never doubted. We have an unbreakable bond that I cherish. Will they know how much they mean to me?

I could go on to name names of my closest friends and how each has enriched my life. But I'd be sitting here all night. They know who they are. I just hope they know how dearly special they all are to me...truly...deeply.

I want to be a better person. I'm hoping that with this improved quality of life my procedure will give me, that I will also be an improved person. I'm working on it. I have a long way to go.

God, forgive me the evils I have done. Please. Please help me to change from the inside out. Help me be the person you created me to be....the friend, the sister, the daughter, the wife, the mother, the woman. Please, if You see fit to take me home (I pray I'd be going home), please....help those I have loved know exactly what they have meant to me. Help them to know....and never forget.

In Jesus' name I pray...Amen.

List

Today has been "one of those days". One of the ones you know you'll always remember. Top 10 material. Shoot...top 5 material.

I'm sitting here...listening to music, not being able shake what I'm feeling. What am I feeling? Unloved. Not respected. Taken for granted. Lonely. Hurt. Alone. I could go on and on. But that's not what this is about.

I have decided that I'm gonna think of some things I'm thankful for instead of dwelling on these "other" feelings. So...here we go...my list. I'm not sure what all this will entail. I'm not sure how long or short this will be. But I need to get out of this funk. And this is my attempt.

MY LIST

1. My Children
2. My children's health...they may have their issues...but they aren't dying.
3. My health (have issues...but could be so much worse)
4. roof over my head
5. clothes on my back
6. food in our tummies
7. able to pay most bills on time
8. great car
9. no car trouble!
10. the holidays
11. my family...mom, sisters, grandparents, cousins, aunts, ect. We are tighter than most families. We're the kind of family people dream of. We have our issues, but we are ALWAYS there for each other...no matter what!
12. my in-laws. I couldn't have asked for better
13. I'm married. Not alone, not divorced.
14. my new tv
15. money in the bank. It's not a lot, but it's still money in the bank. We survive. =)
16. My wonderful friends. I have better friends than most. Most people are lucky to have just one good friend. I can count on TWO hands the number of really good friends I have. How blessed am I!!!
17. My nice bed
18. My faith. I may have ran far and hard away. But I know who the Lord is. And I'm trying to run just as hard back to His loving arms...if he'll have me.
19. That I have lived the "other" life and I know with the Lord is where I belong. There is no place like home.
20. For my hope that he'll accept me back
21. Dreams. I'm thankful for dreams. We all need something to shoot for...believe in.
22. My kids' love
23. My husband is a good man.
24. I can take a decent picture (of others)
25. I'm actually thankful that I can take pleasure in the little things. A pretty flower. A hug. A beautiful sunset. Ect.
26. FURNITURE~!! I not only have a roof over my head, but furniture in my house
27. That I have heat!!! It may 16 degrees out and my downstairs may not heat up past 68 degrees no matter the thermostat says....but I have heat!!!
28. I love music and singing. Can't sing well. Can't play an instrument worth a darn. But I am passionate about both.
29. I'm passionate about dance.
30. I'm thankful that I may not be good at 28 or 29 but, I at least have a passion.
31. My greatest passion is my kids.
32. my kids have toys!! so many don't!!
33. I don't have any freaky allergies....like to the sun.
34. that I'm a good mom.
35. that I'm a pretty good wife
36. That my mom, and other women in my family, are such strong role models.
37. For my best friends!!!
38. I'm thankful that no matter how terrible my day is....spending time with my girls always changes that. My kids are the best!!
39. I'm thankful that tears may come now....but joy comes in the morning!! =) thank you Jesus.
40. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I got an education.
41. That I'm not addicted to drugs
42. That I understand how precious human life is..... or atleast I think I do.
43. I still believe in love.
44. I'm thankful that I tend to see the best in people. No matter how many people think I'm naive'.
45. That I'm forgiving. VERY forgiving.
46. For my memories, well most of them. LOL That I have a memory.
47. That I grew up with two parents who were in love
48. That my father was a good role model
49. That my mother was a good role model.
50. That gas prices aren't $3.
51. For the forgiveness I have received over the years.
52. That I have internet
53. I have cell phone
54. I know the difference between right and wrong. So many these days seem confused on that.
55. Love. I'm thankful for love...in all forms.
56. I'm thankful that the last thing I told my father was "I love you".
57. that I got to see my grandmother before she died.
58. that my aunt is beating breast cancer
59. I have health insurance
60. I'm alive.

*sigh*

I have no idea who is in this video....but youtube doesn't really have a lot to choose from. At least this one didn't have a half naked man from the 70's. It's the song that matters....

Missing Him

Tonight my family went to town's annual tree lighting. It was nice. The 8th grade band was out there preforming. There was also a local dance group doing ballet at one point. The line to see Santa was LONG. We skipped it. The vendors were neat and their prices were VERY affordable! What a nice surprise! The FREE horse and cart rides were a hit with the kids too. There was even a live nativity.

My husband and I took our kids and met my mom, my sisters, and their families. At one point I looked at our little gathering and smiled. The kids were running around playing, laughing, squealing. The adults gathered talking. Baby bean eating a cookie in her stroller. And I thought, "He would have loved this."

I think of him often through out the year. It's been over 20 years since my father's death. And even though I'm not an 11 yr old little girl anymore, it still effects me. In so many ways.

I have a surgery coming up. And I'm writing letters to my girls, just in case. I want to cram as much family time in as I can in the next two weeks...just in case. My husband thinks I'm being a bit silly. But I didn't expect my reaction to that. I didn't expect the answer I gave or the tears that welled up in my eyes when I said it. I told him that you never can tell. You have to plan for everything. My father didn't expect to check into the hospital to die. I had NO idea that was at the core of all of this. I thought it was past medical problems (which do have there merits). But wow...what surprise.

Then tonight, seeing my family all together, enjoying the holidays....

I miss you Dad. I have made mistakes. I have. But I hope as a whole, you would have been proud of me. This time of year is always hard. I know how much you would have loved to have been here. I know how much joy your granddaughters would have brought you. I love you dearly, Dad. I always will. I miss you.

Friends

Ok....so I'm having surgery on the 17th. NOT comsmetic. Not lasik. But a surgery that I hope will change my life for the better. =) It is medically needed and insurance will cover 100%! WOOHOO!!

Because of said procedure, I am nervous. During each of the births of my children, my blood pressure has tanked (epidural). Each one getting worse and worse. During the last one it went horribly wrong. I went in after the birth and issue and problems to get my tubes tied and it got worse!!

I'm freaking out!! What if my heart can't take it this time? What if? I'm gonna write letters to each of my girls, just in case. That's my to-do list tomorrow.

But since finding out about this surgery, I have been talking to some people, friends. And I feel so incredible blessed.

I can count on 2 hands the people I trust. Who can do that? I mean REALLY trust! My sisters, Jennifer, Dale, Julianna, Nikki, Andrea, Andrea (yes ... there are 2), and a few more(even a cousin and aunt or two...hehehe and of course...my momma). It's amazing. I have been blessed some wonderful women in my life. Strong, honest, good women. Great wives and mothers. Great people.

Who can really say that? Not many.

My friends mean the WORLD to me and so much more. I am one EXTREMELY blessed woman. I hope these women know how much they mean to me. Each of them (even the ones not mentioned but know who they are) have been more than there for me. And I hope if I haven't already returned the favor, I someday can.

To my friends: I love you. When I say that. I mean it. You gals are the best ever.

Thank you for blessing my life and making it all the richer!!