All I could do was stare at it. Wow. Just when I needed it most. Funny. Today I posted this picture:
I have been more than upset lately. I have been in prayer over something for over a decade. Something important. Something life changing. No it's not to win the lotto (although that might be nice. lol). But it is of a personal a nature. And lately, life has thrown it in my face again how this one very specific, very important prayer has yet to be answered. Lately, life hurts.
I don't know if anyone who may actually read this knows what it's like to pray for something so hard for so long. There have been times I have been in tears, screaming at the Lord over this prayer. It's not something I'm proud of. I'm just being honest. After all, the Lord already knew what I was feeling and thinking. But he does want us to tell him (I wouldn't suggest screaming at Him as a first choice. But sometimes, life gets the better of us. I need to learn to control my emotions more and not let them control me. But that's another post for another time).
Lately, this unanswered prayer has come to light once again. Lately, I have become hurt all over again. I would be lying if I said the thought of "God's timing" hasn't crossed mind. It has. But then I get even more angry because how long do I have to hurt? How long do I have to pray and hope and stand in faith? When is enough, enough? Why is He waiting so long?
I don't have the answers. I wish I did. I do know that as much as I'm hurting, I CAN trust Him. Scripture says he collects our tears. I may not like this. Not one bit. But I have to trust that there is a perfect time, and one day, it will all make sense. Sometimes that is really hard to do. Especially when you are hurting, when you're let down and disappointed again.
Today I got a reminder of God's timing being perfect in a way I had not expected. And although it had nothing to do with my prayer, it was a great reminder to trust in Him.
For years I have held a facination with Standard Poodles. We own a small dog now, but I always imagined owning one someday. For the past several months I have been looking for a female, black, standard poodle. WOW! They are expensive!! And no one in my area has them. I would have to travel several states away to get one. =( Oh well. I started to give up hope. Then I got found a woman in my area selling puppies!! And she had a beautiful one!! The girls and I named her Stella. But unfortunately, timing did not work out. I gave up after that. I figured when the time was right, it might happen. That time was today.
I got a call today about a black female standard poodle that was surrendered to our local humane society. She is less than two years old, great with other dogs and children. I talked to my husband about it. Long story short, we adopted her. We pick her up tomorrow. And do you want to guess as to what her name is? That's right. Stella. Her previous owners named her that. Crazy huh? That's God for you.
Sometimes, we have to let go and let God. And you know what? It's never easy. We want to be control. We want what we want and we want it now. And we don't get it, we tend to get angry or hurt or both. Sometimes we don't understand why things happen as they do. Sometimes we wonder why our prayers go unanswered. Is there a reason?
I'm sure there is. I'm sure the Lord is stretching us sometimes. Sometimes He allowing us to grow in some areas. And yes, sometimes that isn't easy and can be painful. Sometimes it's just not his perfect will or timing. But I have to trust, even if I don't understand in the moment, that God's reasons (whatever they are) are good. Scripture says he has plans for good for us, not evil. To give us a future and a hope. I believe that in my heart. (Jerm. 29:11) And sometimes I need to remind my brain of that.
I'm not a "good Christian". I mess up, a lot! I make a ton of mistakes and poor choices. But I do believe. And I do try. And if I believe in Jesus and the scriptures, if I love Him, then I need to trust Him...even when it hurts. Even when I don't understand. Even when it takes 13 years and counting.
Honestly, I can say that praying over this over the past decade or so has brought up things in me I saw I didn't like. Some things I'm still working on. Maybe he wants to better me. I don't know. But even when it hurts, I must trust.
Thank you for the reminder tonight, Lord. You are truly faithful!!