Rough one. Today was a rough one, on so many levels.
My eldest is a good kid, most of the time. She is 10. She is starting to try and spread her wings. Not quite a little girl, not quite a teenager. And some of her choices lately have left me spinning and heartbroken. In some ways, I am very proud of her. She has such a great heart. In other ways.... Well, she makes me want to pull my hair out.
She my eldest, which means she is also kind of like a guinea pig. We get to experience everything with her first. We have no idea what were doing at times. Like now. We have never dealt with a pre-hormonal pre-teen before. Some days, like today, I feel so lost. Some days, like today, I feel like I'm failing her has a mother. Especially when she is making all these poor choices. Some days, like today, I am left feeling heartbroken.
Perhaps it's good she is getting some of these out of the way now. Maybe she's learning from them. So far, she hasn't repeated any of her poor choices, so fingers crossed (and prayers said) there. If she never repeats them, then she's learned. And then it'll have been worth it. Only time will tell.
I was told tonight that I will spend more time on my knees in the coming years praying and fighting for her than I ever thought imaginable. Not because she's bad kid, she's not. But because that's what parents do. We "war" for our kids, on our knees.
Maybe I should count myself "lucky". Some parents enter into this season of "warring' for their kids, years before this. Some parents have kids with real discipline problems. Some parents biggest "war" is that their kids be healthy enough to live to get this far, so they can have these types of problems. Other parents, would give anything to have their child back just to go through this time that is weighing so heavily on me.
Does any of this make what I am feeling or going through any easier? No. This is still hard. It still stinks. But it does help me keep perspective. And that's a start.
I was about my daughter's age when my father passed away. I can remember some not so good choices I was making at that time. I lied about my school grades and forged documents to cover it up. I started to get smart mouth. In fact, when he died, I was in the middle of being punished for some of my bad choices. I wonder if he died disappointed in me? Or worried about me?
I know I'm disappointed in my daughter's choices and some of her behavior lately. And if something happened to me, that wouldn't change how I feel. I still love her immensely!! But I'm concerned and disappointed. I can't help but believe that there is a very real possibility that my father went to his grave feeling the same way about me. I'm devastated by this thought. It's eating me up tonight as well. More heart-brokenness.
Yesterday was hard day. My grandfather's health weighs on me. Today was a hard day. I'm sick of this eye infection that doesn't seem to want to go away. I'm stressed. It's days like today I'm grateful for God's grace. Because I know He's the reason I'm still "holding it in the road".
Father, hold me tonight, please. I'm struggling.
Guide me. Help me be a good wife and mother. Help me not to over react to my children's mistakes and poor choices, but to handle them with grace and care. Surround me with good people to help guide me. Help me to help my children see the error of their ways. Help me to guide them. I can't do this without you. And I don't want to screw this up. I can't afford to this screw this up.
Please be with my children. Guide them. Protect them. Help them to grow into the people you created them to be. Give them a heart for you. A heart that wants to love you and please you and follow you all their lives. Help Wes and I to nurture those hearts and not break them.
Be with each of us tonight, Father. We could use your loving your touch.
In Jesus' name: Amen.