Sunday, August 17, 2014

Winds of Change Blow Again

It's just one of those times in life when everything around you is beginning once again to change.  And it's a lot for me, personally, to take in. 

We got some bad news about a loved one the other day.  Not anything we weren't expecting at some point, deep down, but you always had hope, you know?   And I am sad.  Sad for what she has been through already, and sad for what lies ahead.  Just, sad.

Summer is also coming to an end in our neck of the woods.  Next week school starts back.  This is my last week of summer vacation with my children.  I hate that.  I am not one of those parent's who love to see school start back up.  I love having my kids home with me.  I love not having schedules to follow, projects to do, or homework to worry about.  I love just being able to enjoy them and life with them.  When they are gone from me, my heart aches for them.  I love being their mom.

This year is extra hard.  This year my youngest starts school, kindergarten.  And my heart is utterly broken over this.  I have always had one my daughters home with me over the last 13 years.  When one started Kindergarten, I had another at home to raise, love on, snuggle with, and enjoy.  Those days are now over.  Permanently.   When my baby girl gets on that bus next week, I will have no more children at home during the day.  And that breaks my heart.

All I have ever wanted to be is a mom.  And yes, I know I still am one.  Just because they are in school, does not change that.  And yet, it is very hard for me to try and put into words.  My role as mom is now forever changed (or will be next week).  No more kids at home to care for during the day.  And that was my joy.  At least it played a big part in it.  And not having that part of my role of mom anymore, hurts. 

I know this will in some ways be a blessing.  I am free now to to up the gym and work out.  I am free to birthday or holiday shop when needed.  And there are some chores that will be easier to do without a little one needing my attention.  And I am finally free to be a class mom!  Or chaperone on a field trip.  =)  But ...  I want them with me.  And I would gladly give up all these freedoms to have that again.  Selfish, huh?

I am having a very hard time right now.  Back to school is always hard for me.  The change from summer vacation to school again just sucks for me.  Now I am losing my last child to school.  And it feels like the end of an era for me.  And I feel very sad and somewhat lost.  A part of who I am and what I do is gone.  And it is a loss, at least to me it feels that way.  It's very hard to explain.

I don't really know why I am sharing this.  I suppose most will think I am silly or daft.  But, I guess I just needed to get this out.  To talk about it, without having people throw suggestions at me.  I am really not very interested in what other people think I can, or should, feel or do right now.  All I can do is try to make the best out of this next week and try not to let it ruin me when they all go off to school.  Because right now, the pain of the knowledge my life is forever changing is very hard to keep hiding.  And even more hard to live with.  And I don't think anyone understands that at all.

School, my baby going, and the horrible news we got are just a little too much for me to process right now.  I feel like the air all around me is heavy and it's hard to breathe.  I look into my future and it's....  different and scary.  And most of all, it is empty.   Empty of them.  Empty of her.  The changes my life is headed towards are changes of emptiness.  And that is a very hard thing indeed.

Yes, I am sad.  I am hurting.  I am having a hard time wrapping my mind and emotions around all the change headed my way.  And I know I have no other choice but to face them head on.  To pull up my big girl panties and just do this.  All of it.  Losing them, and her.  I need to make the most of what time I have with them all.  And I will do that.  But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell.

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