I have so many thoughts and words going through my head this night: Weary. Scared. Angry. Why? Defeated. Tired. All words that my mind keeps trying to push aside this night.
Things have been rough lately. And today, well, let me see if I can start to paint the picture for you (I'm not proud of ANY of this mind you, and am actually kind of embarrassed to put all this out on the "net", but you need to have a good idea). So here it goes.....
This year has been ... rough. I lost my Grandfather in Feb. And due to many different reasons, this lead to a huge hurt and left a scar in my marriage. So things have been rocky. We hoped a job opportunity had opened up for my husband at one point this year. It would have brought a much needed change into our lives, but alas, it wasn't meant to be.
Then there are the medical "oops"es. My husband has been the ER twice this year (early on). Once for hacking his hand with hatchet, and once for blowing out the end of his finger by accidentally hitting it with a mallet (meat and all). I had an ER visit as well along with one of my daughters. Her ER visit, however, turned into a few days stay in the hospital. And all this before our astronomically high deductible was even met (and it's still not met. =/ Yes our deductible went up this year and so did how much we have to pay just to have insurance. *sigh*) So you can imagine our medical bills right now. We owe THOUSANDS!! And now they are coming after us for full payment because what I can send them all a month is no longer good enough. Every day we are dodging calls. So life is real fun.
My husband got a "promotion" at work. We have come to find out that it is really no promotion at all. His pay never increased. In fact, they made it harder for him to make any money at all. Fun when you have bill collectors on your butt. =/ In fact, he got NO perks what so ever. However, he is now working harder and more hours than ever. Not fun for a marriage that is trying to get past some major hits.
In fact, things got so bad I had made an appt. to see an attorney. In fact, the appt was for today. Which is kind of odd.... But I'll get to that in a minute. So we have had emotional stress, marital stress, and financial stress all at once this year. We have been working on the marital stuff. It's not easy, but we are doing it and making it work. I think we are both very happy that I had cancelled my appointment with the attorney. We have learned to communicate better and are learning to know each other all over again. We are even learning to encourage each other, support each other, and lean on each other when needed. It finally feels like we have some real intimacy finally (not all intimacy is in the form of the bedroom people). I would say that our marriage being back on track couldn't have come at a better time. For today (the day I was set to see an attorney and start talks of a separation) we got news of a new battle on our horizon. One we will need each other for more than ever. One our children need us for.
My eldest daughter is 10. And she is funny, quirky, smart, and just plain amazing. Her favorite things to do are listen to music, sing, and write. She is an amazing writer. Sometime the end of May of this year she started complaining that her ear hurt. Before I knew it she said it was hard to hear out of her ear. So off the doctor we went. They found "nothing" wrong and said she'd be okay. Give it some time. So we waited. Over the passed several weeks it's gotten worse. Her ear no longer hurts, but she said the loss of hearing was worse. And we started to notice too. We would have to call her name several times and get loud about it for her to hear us. We'd have to repeat things for her. I was getting concerned. Then this week a ringing started in her ear. We saw the dr. again this morning. I had enough of "waiting".
The doc said it wasn't good. The ringing was cause for concern and she had some scar tissue in her ear. He sent us to see an ENT (ear nose & throat) specialist this afternoon. My girl failed 2 out of 3 tests. Both the technician and the doctor agreed, my girl was losing her hearing and it looked like she would need hearing aids in BOTH of her hears.
WHAT!!! Are you kidding me?
They couldn't tell us why this was happening, or if it would get continue or even get worse. We have no answers at this time. They want to retest her the week after next.
My girl is only 10. And she is frightened. And I don't blame her. I wish I could take this away for her. I wish there was some kind of medicine I could give her for this to fix it, but I can't. One doesn't exist. I can't fix this. And all day I have questioned every thing I have ever done and wondered if it was enough. As a mom, a part of you feels like a failure when you can't fix it. It's part of the "mom" gene I guess. I just want her to be better. I want her to be okay. I want her healed. But most of all, I want to be whatever she needs me to be for her right now.
All the words above have circled my brain endlessly today. But through all my tears, I am trying to pull myself together. My daughter needs me strong, not scared. And if she does end up with hearing aids, well, we are going to celebrate that and she is going to rock those little devices! lol (btw, did you guys know that insurance does NOT cover hearing aids? I think that stinks! That cost thousands of dollars. Not sure how we are going to swing that one if needed. Praying that IF this is God's will, He will make a way).
The truth is we don't know why this is happening. And depending on the tests in two weeks, we'll know how rapidly the loss is progressing, if it's progressing (which they suspect it is), and what this may mean for us all in the future. I feel lost in limbo. It feels like I'm in the middle of some kind of waiting game that is cruel. Judging from what I have seen and heard and been told, things do not look favorable for my girl and her hearing at all. Today may very well be the day our family dynamic changed. We'll see.
You know what though? It's going to be okay. I'm praying a lot right now. And many friends have rallied in support and prayer with us. It's been amazing and we are all deeply touched. How awesome are they?! We are praying for strength, comfort, joy, peace, healing, and restoration. And I'm believing that my daughter's hearing will be healed. My God is a BIG God. With Him, NOTHING is impossible. I believe in miracles, and I believe in the One who makes them. I am trying very hard to stand on this right now. It's not easy.
I'm still in some shock over today's events. I go from feeling defeated in life this year, to standing on the promises of God. Wishy washy. That's what I am. But that's not what I need to be. I need to strong, for my girl, for my family. Hard to feel like you can be strong when you feel beat up by life sometimes. It has not been an easy year so far. However, that is where the prayer for strength comes in. I believe He will give me the strength (and I pray the grace) to be what I need to be for my family during this time.
Our biggest prayer is that, no matter what, God receive glory from this, one way or another. I'm not sure how, but I know there is a way. God has a plan. And I have to believe it is for good, even when I don't understand.