I had an experience the other day. I can't remember what was on the radio but it sparked something in me and I gave up. I started to pray. (prayer is not just thanking and asking, it is a conversation, two way. You just have to train your heart to hear it)
me: Lord.... I can't do this anymore. I can't be what you need me to be. I just can't. I just need you to love me how I am. Messed up and flawed and so very screwed up. Can you do that? Because I can't do this anymore. (starting to cry)
Him: What makes you think I don't?
me: um...... Well, I know I have to do .... this and that and so on...... And I am just not ready. I am not. I want to be ready, but I am not. And I am not sure I ever will be at this point. I want to do what you require. But I just can't.
Him: Require? Why? Why do you want to do them?
me: Because I want to please you. but it's too hard to do everything.
Him: Who told you to do all this? Where did you get that? Did I tell you?
me: Well kinda. Some is scripture and some is from all my experiences in the church.
Him: It is good you want to please me, but you are going bout it all wrong. You are holding onto legalism. That is NOT me. The only thing I require is a relationship. How about we start back on the ground floor and work on that first. Just building our relationship?
me: Really? Wow. Really? that would be wonderful!
Him: I have loved you always. Even before you started to know me. And I love you still. I always will. Let's start at the beginning. Allow me to lead you and trust in me, my child, and all will be well.
I know I have a prayer closet moment coming. A time in my room, alone, crying, praying and emptying out how I feel. Once I am empty, he begin to fill me with HIM.
I don't know where this journey is going to go or how it will play out....
I think back to all the requirements I think I need to fulfill or how I think I am "suppose" to be and it's gut wrenching. But I know I need to let go of all of that. Trust in Him. In doing that, maybe things will just be how they should be.
I am yours Lord. I am scared and excited. Mold me. Shape me. Be with me. I want to hear you. I want to love you deeply. I want know you deeper and truer. Not sure if I am totally ready, but then again, I think I am. I am ready to know you. That I do know.