Losing...heartbroken

I write tonight with a very heavy heart.

One of my children has been bullied this year by someone she thought to be friend. It has caused her a lot of emotional turmoil.

Let me just say bullying is NOT okay. It damages people. It can ruin people's lives!

We have gone through all the proper channels. The offender was told to stay away from my daughter, no more contact. She was told that on Friday.

Today the bully continued to embarrass and harass my daughter. Both in class and on the bus. It quickly escalated to a violent act against my daughter.

I did what any mother would do.... I went straight up to the school and demanded answers and action. The school is going through protocol and I have every faith in them. However, after all that has happened we feel there is no other course of action but to press charges against this student. We have to keep our daughter safe, and we have to make sure this kind of behavior doesn't continue. Not against her, or anyone else.

But this post isn't about that really. It's about me needing a place to let out all my frustrations.

As any parent, I hurt for my daughter. Deeply. But a part of me hurts for this other child as well. Where does one learn to be hateful? My first thought, is home. What is going on in her life that makes her feel like being hurtful and hateful is okay? Where did she learn this? I am not saying it is her parent/parents' fault. I don't know her home life. But I am curious. Wouldn't you be?

Here is my confession: A part of me hurts for this girl, the bully. A part of me wants to just hug her, hold her, and tell her it'll all be okay. A part of me wants to invite her into my home weekly and be stable source of love and life for this girl. I want to be some kind of .... light? hope? I don't the know what the word is... positive influence!!!.... in her life. And it's upsetting me. Because how can I feel these things for the person that has caused so much hurt and trauma to my own daughter? I am sure the hateful comments about this are sure to come.

The truth is, I can't invite her into my home. I can't invite my daughter's tormenter into her safe place. I have to protect my daughter first and foremost! She has to come first, and does. But my heart still hurts and bleeds for this other girl as well.

The whole situation is just so sad to me. Two girls... broken in different ways. I am not sure anyone can understand how upsetting this all is to me. My daughter has been though hell and back. And she still has a long way to go. And I am just heartbroken for her. There are no words to describe the hurt. She is such a beautiful, bright, fun, loving, compassionate, smart, funny kid. She doesn't deserve this. No one does. It hurts to know that she has allowed someone the power to take away her self worth and confidence. It hurts to see her pain and what she is going through.

What is wrong with me that I want to keep my daughter safe and yet I hurt for this other kid as well? I don't know.

My daughter and I have a song that is really speaking to us right now (You know me! What is a blog post without a song? Music runs deep in my family). The song with lyrics is below. Come to find out...my daughter and I both are struggling with the "How dare she!? How could she?" and feeling bad for her. I am glad my daughter has that kind of heart.

So as crazy as this sounds.... We are going to pray for her. I still want this kid to know that actions have consequences, and what she is doing is not okay,and never will be. But that doesn't mean we can't lift her up in prayer, right?

So...we pray for her. And we pray for my daughter. And we hope for a better tomorrow......













"Losing"

I can't believe what she said
I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love, this is hate...
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Well it's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times
'Cause Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
Though I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.

This is love, this is hate...
We've got a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Oh, no!

Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart?
We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up but just to burn them down
We think pain is owed apologies and then it'll stop
But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down

[x2]
Oh, Father won't you forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
Yeah, I feel like I've been losing

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losin'

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Who would have guessed?

Life has been.... peaceful lately.  That's not say we haven't had life throw us some curve balls, we have.  And it looks like we may be starring at a few more.  But through all the junk life seems to have in store for us right now, I am still peaceful.  More so than I ever have been.

Something has happened in my journey of life in 2013 and I am not sure when or where it occurred.  Somewhere in the hell that began as this year, and now, there was a change.  A huge change!  A change in me and in my thinking on some pretty major things. 

My relationship with my husband has changed.  We went through hell and back this year.  And now, we have something new... Peace. I have learned a lot about myself this year, and it's not even over yet. 

Is there still stress?  You betcha!  But it's nice you can have a sense of peace in the middle of the storm. 

And a prayer, a long time prayer, a 14 yr old prayer, got answered.  I stopped pushing.  I stopped complaining.  I let go of bitterness.  But I still prayed.  And after all this time, it was finally answered.  It took something we were afraid of happening to happen first.  But when it did, there was really nothing to have feared.  And in the end, it took what we feared to bring upon the answer to the prayer.

I wonder how many times in life we have let fear keep us from a promise or from an answer we have so desperately wanted or needed?  And how many times were we afraid of something to only have to face it?  And by then, it wasn't nearly as awful as we thought it could be.  (most of the time)

Sometimes it takes facing what you fear most to get the outcome you most wanted.

Life is kinda funny like that.

I am still learning about fear and about all it strips away from us.  But who would have guessed that our own fears, our own actions to make sure we wouldn't have to face our fear, is what held up the answer to my prayer?  I was my own worst enemy.  And all this time I blamed God.   I wonder how many other times we blame Him for things, when if we would just "let go and let God" (trust in Him to see us through), things would be answered, or better, or different?  This is definitely a lesson I need to remember.

I am so sorry Lord it took me so long to get to this point.  I am so sorry for blaming You, when the whole time it was me, us.  Help me to let go and trust You more.  In Jesus's name, Amen.