HER

I want to write about her.  I want to honor her in some way.  But I have no idea where to start.  Words are not coming easily to me lately, just feelings.

I feel terrible that she is in so much pain.  I feel lost at what to do help my mom and sisters through all this.  And I feel sad.  I feel sad knowing that when she is gone all our lives will change.

She, is my grandmother.

She is an amazing woman.  A good woman.  She never took any guff from anyone.  If she had something to say, she said it.  She was opinionated.  And she could be just as stubborn as her husband, my Granddad.  (And those that know me and my family, you wondered where we got it all from?)

She was one of the ones that helped to teach me about respect.  Respect towards others, especially my elders.  I suppose I'll remember her as tough soul, yet a loving one.  Even now, this past year, she has fought hard against the aggressive cancer that is now taking her life.

As a child, I think ever time I visited her home she was in an apron, cooking in the kitchen.  It took a while for me to realize she didn't live in the kitchen.  But I can always remember her kitchen smelling delicious.   

I can also remember when she would babysit us.  It wasn't very often, but when she did, she was no nonsense.  She made us do our chores and try on clothes.  She would even cut her hair.  She helped to teach us something about responsibility.  If there something to be done, she did it. 

I actually have a very fond memory of her taking us berry picking!  Boy they were good.  I didn't realize I liked berries.  I only found out because of that berry expedition.

She also has this amazing collection of costume jewelry.  And sometimes, when our cousins and us got together, she let us play with it.

She is tough woman, a brave woman.  About a year and half after my grandfather's death, she was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer.  She was still grieving him, and now she was in a fight for her own life.  And has fought.  And has been tough.  And she has been brave. 

I have always had a very close family.  As a child, my paternal grandparents lived in my neighborhood (as well as my dad's brother and his family).  We walked there all the time.  My mom's parents lived a short car ride away.  .  Anywhere from maybe an hour away (I was a kid, all I know is that it wasn't too long a journey, or at least didn't seem like one), to a 20 minute drive  away, to actually living in my neighborhood as well for a time.  I use to pass their house walking to and from school every day. 

After my dad died, we moved to North Carolina ( I was 12 when we moved).  I had an aunt and cousins here that we loved very much. It was a way for us all to get a new start.  It wasn't too long after that, that my grandparents moved down here as well.  And once again, they lived in my neighborhood.  Once again we walked to visit them.  When they moved, the just moved to the other side of the neighborhood, even closer to us (about 3 houses up the street).   When they moved after that again, it was just a few minutes down the road.   In fact, now, all most all my family lives with in a 15 minute car ride from me.  My Grandmother of which this is written about, my sisters and their families, my mother, my aunts and cousins.  I have some family in PA and some extended family in FL.  But for the most part we all live close together.  I even have several family members in the neighborhood in which I live now. 

We get together on holidays.  Every holiday.  Every birthday.  We get together for sporting events.  And sometimes, we get together, just to do it.   Personally, I feel like we have a story book kind of family.  It's not perfect.  But it sure does love one another and celebrate that.  I guess my point is that my family is close. And that, for as long as I can remember, my grandparents have been a big part of my life.

When my grandfather died a few years ago, it was a hard blow on us all.  And now, it's her turn to leave us.  And it's just as crushing.  Nothing will ever be the same again.  She was diagnosed about year ago.  She has fought hard.  And now, we don't want to lose her.  And yet, we don't want her to endure another day of pain.  I, personally, pray for mercy for her.  She is a good woman.  And seeing anyone die is never easy.  But seeing someone you love and respect die in pain, is excruciating. 

She is a woman of faith.  She is loyal woman.  She is a strong woman.  She is hard working woman.  She is stubborn woman.  She is a brave woman.  She is a woman who loves.  She is a cornerstone for our family.  She is my grandmother.  God have mercy on her.

WTFH...Words.

What The Fucking Hell!?!?

9/11....she was attacked...again.  He didn't like the way her beautiful face looked.  He thought she needed a makeover.  He went at her with a sharpie (stolen from another kid).   When she finally wrestled it away from him...he came at her again...bare handed....intent on hurting her. God love her!  She wrestled him away again.  The 3rd time he came at her, she raised her hand in both a defensive and offensive manner.  He finally backed off, only to attack another kid.

What makes someone attack another person?  What make them think they have that right?  And the words he attacked her with... fat, whore, ugly...and so on.  We asked her, "Why didn't you knee him in the groin?"  "Why didn't you hit him in throat and go for help?"   Her response?  "It never even occurred to me.  I didn't want to hurt him, I just wanted him to leave me alone."

That's my girl.


Proud she stood up for herself.  Proud she got him to leave her alone.  What boy starts a physical fight with a girl?  Sad for the other kid.  Sad for this kid.  Hurting for my daughter.  She told us what hurt the worst were the words.

Ever heard Eminem: Her Song?  I hear it and cry.  Parts of it remind me of how she feels.  I know she knows we love her and we care.  But we have been there.  We have helped her through some of her darkest times.  She can't go back to that.  But, I know it's hard for her.  Especially when she hears all the degrading comments again.....

We are only mom and dad.  She only takes what we say so far......   I worry for the coming year.  It's not starting out too well.  Nothing hurts worse than your child in this kind of pain.

Last year she heard horrible things all year long.  Several told her to go ahead and end her life, no one would care.  How do you help her past that?  Therapist?  Telling her every day how much you love her and how much she matters?  We did it all.  She can't have another year like last year. 

She has changed.  After last year, she doesn't trust.  She expects everyone not blood to hurt her.  And the one friend she thought would be there and would understand, didn't.  They all left her.  She's alone.  And it sucks.  And she doesn't trust a soul.  She is cynical.  And that makes it hard to make new friends.

What do you do for your child who is scarred and hurt so badly?

I hurt for her.  I cry for her.  I pray for her.

 God... protect her.  Keep her safe.  Restore to her what she's lost 10 fold.  PLEASE.  Her self-worth...friends... that light in her eyes....all of it.  She deserves a friend at the least, one good one.   She deserves love.  She is so caring.  It hurts to see her this way.  Please...help her.  And help us to help her.