This is a story.... fit for today's headlines.. only not.
I am a nobody! I am not famous. I have no claim to fame. That said.. #metoo
I have several bad things to survive in my life. But the one that haunts me, that I can't get passed, happened at a small party given by a close friend. I got shitty dunk. I did. Eventually I found my way to my friend's bed I was safe. A man, we will call him B. B and his family lived with me. For some time. I have blogged about a few different things .... but this one has always been the one I can't move past. It was done by someone I trusted and thought of as a brother.
Before I tell it...again.... let me just say this.. This is not new story. This is a time old story....
Took said "brother" to a party with me. We were all friends. I got drunk Many got drunk and high. I was against that. I found my way to my friend's room to pass out..... with his blessing. Bunk beds. I was on the bottom. "B" came in and asked to lay down next to me. I made room. Last of my clear memories.
I awoke some time later screaming for friend Mike. I had no clothes on from the waist down. I was swore and hurting. He came in and helped me find my clothes and comforted me. He and several others confirmed one else was in the room that night.
I felt humiliated. I felt used. Why couldn't I remember? Why did my vagina hurt? Where were my clothes? This couldn't be happening!
It took a lot of convincing....and a phone call to the hospital before I was able to shower. Good tip...can't get a rape kit without police involvement. "B" lived with us..... with his family. His mom was my mom's best friend. I couldn't do it.
Finally I showered, laid down in "c's" room with him guarding me. He gave me some pain pills and I cried myself to sleep. In the morning "B" found another way home.
When I got home, I came clean. I told family, mine and his, about the night before. They ALL defended him. He got home first. He told them we were both drunk and God knows what else. I was told it was my fault for drinking too much, in so many words. Really? I trusted him!!! How was this my fault. He had been living in MY HOME as a brother for over a year?
I remember him talking and me saying goodnight. Then waking up violated. The thing is, we are seeing more and more that this is not an isolated thing, but rather a norm....if you will. It has to stop.
Rape culture is real folks. People want to defend the predators so their reality isn't changed. It's too hard to face for them. They can't even imagine what it's like to be the actual victim. Just knowing one is too hard to fathom. They don't know how to live in a reality of a world different then what they know.
My family hurt me beyond imaginable taking his side. It took years for me to move past it. And truth be told, it still hurts. I choose to move passed it. But I will never forget. Ever. Not what he did, and tried to cover up. He knows "the truth I could tell". I won't forget how they wanted to protect him rather than believe me. I will never ever forget you cannot trust anyone. I won't forget a loved one's words about how a drunk woman pretty much is responsible and asks for it.
This is just one of a few stories I could I tell.... the marine who wouldn't take no for answer, the pastor's son who molested me, being choked by a stalker, the co-worker how pinned me against an wall and fondled me.... And so on. I am not special. You have no idea how many woman/girls have lived though similar things or worse. Truthfully, I am just one of millions....world wide.
What about those married as child brides with no choice? Those sex trafficked? Those who thought their boyfriend loved them and took something from them without consent? What about so many women/girls?
There are so many scenarios.....
To "B".... what you do if it was one of your daughters who came home after party with my story? A man they trusted raped them while they were out cold with no memory? They were too drunk and passed out to consent?
I pray you look at your past actions and atone for them. I will never forgive you. I knew you. I lived with you. I trusted you. You were my brother. And you hurt me. God forgive me, but I don't know that I can ever forgive you because of who you were and what you meant to me. I pray you daughters never know the pain.
I still have nightmares.
Men...boys.. if she is too drunk to stand needs to pass out, she is too drunk to consent. If she is not conscious and talking, it's rape.
Am I damaged? Yes. Many reasons why, but all my assaults....have me still thinking I am only a piece of meat. I have no value. And I am working hard on that. Really hard. But it affects so much of life.... even where you wouldn't believe. How can I be a good mom when I am so very damaged and not worth respect or love? And that is just one of hundreds of questions I ask myself daily.
What you do today has lasting effects. Choose wisely.
