Tonight is full of Random thoughts.
For one.... I am ready to leave this neighborhood. I find most of the people here judgmental and pretentious. Not all of them, but most of them. Even some I thought I knew. But hey, that's life.
For another... I have realized I am a hot mess. I don't have all the answers. I don't have it all together. And you know what? THAT IS OKAY!!! I think most of us don't. But we all feel like we need to act like we do. Why? To impress others? In the hope that others won't judge us? Guess what? People are gonna judge you no matter what. And most of those that do, don't know the journey you have been on. They don't know your history. And they don't care. They feel better thinking they are better than you with what very little they do know.
I am finally learning (yes, a little late in life) that it does not matter what others think of you. Truly. You know who you are. Those that do you know you, love you, just as you are. And that is all that matters. Everyone else can kiss your ass.
It's never a fun thing to take a long look at your life, who is in it, and how it's going. It can hurt to realize that those you considered a friend, may not actually be friends. That is never a fun realization to come to. Trust me. But it's worth it.
I have spent the last month or so really looking over my life and who is in it. I am so thankful for those I love and trust, and who accept me as I am.
I am done trying to make new friends and acquaintances. I am happy in my life. I am happy with who is in it. And they are all I need, and all I want.
This may sound bitchy. Oh well. When you have walked in my shoes, been judged, and rejected... you will understand.
I plan on spending my summer with my family and my true friends. God love them for loving me. And God knows how much I love them.
I am who I am. I don't try to be anything else. I am flawed. I own that. I would rather be that... be me... be honest... than pretend. I am a mother who loves her kids. I am a mother who screws it up sometimes. I am a wife who is in love with her husband and is devoted to him. I am a good friend who you can lean on and keeps secrets and is loyal. I am both a hot mess and grounded person. I know, a conundrum, right? Yet true. In some ways, I am still trying to figure it all out. And in other ways, I realize there is no figuring it all out. There is just living, and making memories, and being the best you that you can be in any given moment. And yes, sometimes, you fall short of that. And that's okay too.
I am releasing myself of the obligation of getting to know others and trying to be friend to all. I am releasing myself of thinking that you must be liked. I am owning who I am instead. I will embrace it. I am once again at that point where I no longer give a shit what others think of me.
This is a very freeing thing. It's also a scary thing. For everyone wants to be liked. Everyone hates rejection.
I love fun. I love laughing. I love making memories. I think family comes first. And I also think some familly is not blood related. I love to eat good food. I love good wine. I love to hang out with others I can joke with, laugh with, or be serious with; all in a short amount of time. I love all kinds of music. I love poetry. I hate politics. I adore art in all its forms. I often quote movies and songs. And I adore those that sing along with me or understand the quotes. I believe in 2nd chances. I believe in helping others. I could go on, but what's the point? Those that know me... know me. Those that don't, judge me. God bless'em.
Life is short. This is the ONLY one you get. Be true to you, but always be willing to learn and improve. Never be afraid to take a chance on something good. Make good choices. Make good memories. And always let those you love, know it.
