I am not sure. Maybe I have had the guts to put this down before. Maybe not. And if I am honest, it was more than just a "day" that changed my life.
I grew up in a very loving home. I had a mom and dad who loved each other. They were high school sweethearts. And I had 2 younger sisters, and oh God... the pet. We had 2 dogs, hamsters, birds and fish. No wonder they wouldn't get us a pony. lol
Flash forward to February of 1989. I was 11. My sisters were, 9 and 6. My father got sick. He was sick for what seemed like forever to a kid, but in all honesty, it was probably more like 2 weeks or so. I am talking not getting out of bed sick. We thought he had a cold. Then we thought possibly the flu. It was time for him to get some serious help.
I remember the day like it was yesterday. He was standing on the landing in front of the front door in his blue robe and jammies. My sisters and I all gathered around to hug him and love on him. We were told he was going to the hospital to get better. I remember hugging him and telling him good bye. He replied, "Don't say good bye, say I love you". I did. That was the last time I ever say my father.
He went to the hospital and he did start to heal. But just before his release he got a horrible headache. That was it. He ended up suffering a brain aneurysm. He was hospitalized over a month.
I remember Easter that year. It was March 26. Easter Sunday. All our family came to visit. And I mean all our family. We lived in Virginia at the time. And our family from in state, out of state, and from Germany; all came. I remember staring at his empty place at the supper table during Easter dinner. It was the worst Easter dinner of all time. Something wasn't right. Everyone kept starring at that empty chair. Something in the air wasn't right to me.
After supper, we all gathered at my house. My mom had our priest come to the house to visit with us. I remember him asking us if we had any questions after a short talk with him about God's love. Then my mother called us over to her on the couch. My entire family around. I remember feeling so scared. Something didn't feel right. That's when she said, "This is probably the hardest thing a mother ever has to tell her children....". I remember starting to tear up and shaking my head no. I am not sure if I actually said "No, don't say it!" out loud or not. But I know I was definitely thinking it.
She told us that the doctors said my dad wasn't doing ever going to come home again. They didn't think he live through the following day. Everything after that is kind of a blur. I ran to room to cry for a few minutes. Then I came out and confronted our priest. "I have a question! If God loves us so much, why is he killing my daddy!?" He told me that God wasn't killing my dad. But I didn't believe him. And to be honest, I held on to that hate for a very long time. But this isn't about that.
My father died the next day around 1 pm.
My life has never been the same. He left behind a wife and 3 girls. It was not one of those things where you knew it was coming and had time to kind of prepare for it. He had a brain aneurysm and never recovered.
I was 11 years old.
It's been 26 years today since he passed. And I miss him all the time. He taught me a lot. He taught me how to start taking responsibility for myself, how to cook, how to shoot, and a lot of life lessons that I still carry with me to this day. He got up and went to work at 3 a.m. so he was sure to be home by the time we all got out of school once mom got a job. He adored my mother. He loved her so very much. And she him. And he adored us kids. I look at my children and am sad that they will never get the chance to know him. He was an amazing guy. He was hard working, loyal, funny, loving and everyone liked him. He liked war movies, and country music, as well as watching Night Court and Cheers (Those were some great shows!!). And every Saturday night, we ordered pizza and hoagies and watched Star Trek: The next generation. He was man who made sacrifices for his family. And as far as I knew, he never complained.
Sometimes I can still smell his pipe......
It really and truly breaks my heart that my kids will never know him. Man, he would have adored them so much. It's not my wedding, or my sisters' weddings.... It's not all the death's since he would have helped us get through.... It's the kids. That is what I regret. That he and they never met, never had the chance to know one another or love each other. Maybe one day, they'll meet in the life after this one. That is my hope.
REST IN PEACE DADDY. You may gone, but you are not forgotten. You live in our hearts and memories.... always. And I look forward to the day where we hug once more and say "I love you".
Friday, March 27, 2015
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
HP Computers Are a Waste Of Your Time and Money (in my opinion)
So here's our story.
Less than 2 years ago, I received a laptop as gift. A very nice laptop at the time. With in the first 3 months we had to send it back. The thermal drive was bad. Shortly there after, my screen stop working properly. It got sent back for a screen repair/replacement. Since that time the screen has had issues. Do you know/remember what tv's use to do when the programing went out? They got all fuzzy and full of static. Welcome to my new computer screen. We have called about it. They told us to loosen screws and do this and that. The problem not only still exists, and got worse. We have actually had this one laptop fixed under warranty several times. And yet, the screen issue still exists.
We got so fed up we bought a 2nd laptop the last time the original was in the shop. We were talked into buying from the same company, HP. I really did not want too. But we were told the problems that our original laptop had were truly an anomaly, a fluke. That HP made great products and had good warranty and customer service, blah blah blah. I was skeptical, but we bought a 2nd laptop.
It's been sent in for repairs under warranty as well. Twice. It's less than a year old.
We do take very good of our laptops. They don't travel outside of home. They are not carried or dropped. They are not on the floor to be stepped on or kicked. They are in wonderful shape. Our children do not use them or touch them.
Back to laptop #1. As I have said, we have contacted the company several times about this. The laptop is finally out of warranty. And now they want us to send it in. And they want to charge us half the price of a new laptop to fix it. Really?
My husband had been on the phone, today alone, over 2 hours now and is being transferred to yet a 6th person to talk to about this. The problems stemmed from a warranty repair on the screen. We have contacted them about the issues sense. And only now do they want us to send it in and they want to charge us way too much to fix it.
To say we are frustrated is an understatement. The fact that we have bought 2 laptops from this company and BOTH needed several warranty repairs with in the first few months say a lot all on it's own. And we are not talking about $250 laptops here folks. We are talking both laptops cost between $700 and $1000 all on their own.
It would seem that the people at HP did want to bothered to fix the problem they created until it was finally out of warranty so they could charge us for it. The products don't last. To have purchased not one, but 2, and have them both in warranty repairs with in the first few months. That's just crap. That's a crap product.
Since we started voicing our displeasure with HP, many have also told us very similar stories of purchasing an HP laptop/notebook, only to have in for repairs with in the first several months. In my opinion, I would not invest your time and money into buying HP products at this point.
Less than 2 years ago, I received a laptop as gift. A very nice laptop at the time. With in the first 3 months we had to send it back. The thermal drive was bad. Shortly there after, my screen stop working properly. It got sent back for a screen repair/replacement. Since that time the screen has had issues. Do you know/remember what tv's use to do when the programing went out? They got all fuzzy and full of static. Welcome to my new computer screen. We have called about it. They told us to loosen screws and do this and that. The problem not only still exists, and got worse. We have actually had this one laptop fixed under warranty several times. And yet, the screen issue still exists.
We got so fed up we bought a 2nd laptop the last time the original was in the shop. We were talked into buying from the same company, HP. I really did not want too. But we were told the problems that our original laptop had were truly an anomaly, a fluke. That HP made great products and had good warranty and customer service, blah blah blah. I was skeptical, but we bought a 2nd laptop.
It's been sent in for repairs under warranty as well. Twice. It's less than a year old.
We do take very good of our laptops. They don't travel outside of home. They are not carried or dropped. They are not on the floor to be stepped on or kicked. They are in wonderful shape. Our children do not use them or touch them.
Back to laptop #1. As I have said, we have contacted the company several times about this. The laptop is finally out of warranty. And now they want us to send it in. And they want to charge us half the price of a new laptop to fix it. Really?
My husband had been on the phone, today alone, over 2 hours now and is being transferred to yet a 6th person to talk to about this. The problems stemmed from a warranty repair on the screen. We have contacted them about the issues sense. And only now do they want us to send it in and they want to charge us way too much to fix it.
To say we are frustrated is an understatement. The fact that we have bought 2 laptops from this company and BOTH needed several warranty repairs with in the first few months say a lot all on it's own. And we are not talking about $250 laptops here folks. We are talking both laptops cost between $700 and $1000 all on their own.
It would seem that the people at HP did want to bothered to fix the problem they created until it was finally out of warranty so they could charge us for it. The products don't last. To have purchased not one, but 2, and have them both in warranty repairs with in the first few months. That's just crap. That's a crap product.
Since we started voicing our displeasure with HP, many have also told us very similar stories of purchasing an HP laptop/notebook, only to have in for repairs with in the first several months. In my opinion, I would not invest your time and money into buying HP products at this point.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
It's Worth It
Lately, my Facebook feed is becoming more and more littered with "friends" bashing marriage. Mostly it comes in the forms of jokes and memes. But sometimes, not so much.
I also get to see my single friends struggle with the dating life. Some have kids, others do not. But that never seems to matter much. They all pretty much have the same struggle, finding that right person who will accept and love them as they are.
Seeing all these things escalate on an almost daily basis has really made me think on my own relationship more. And I got to tell you, I for one am so happy to be married and not single again.
This year we will celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary. And yes, I can say that with all confidence. And here's why: We learned how to make it.
You don't make it 15+ years into marriage without a few major hurdles. Of course we had the financial hurdle. But we also had the unexpected child hurdle, the change of job/hours hurdle, and the biggest hurdle of all. The one no one ever talks about but is there. The people grow and change hurdle. It's that last one that is the one that sneaks up on you.
When you get married, you have all these wonderful notions of how the marriage will be. You have expectations and dreams. And that's all well and good, but then after a while, you start to realize it's not like what you expected at all. You aren't the same person 5 years into your marriage as you were the day you got married. And guess what, neither is your spouse. With in those first 5 years or so, someone usually has a job change. Or there may be child. You may move. Something big (maybe more than one thing) is going to happen. It's going to change the way you and your spouse relate to each other. Because no two people are the same. And you both will adjust differently to whatever it is life has thrown at you. You will adjust the way you always have. They will too. And that's not always going to put the two of you on the same page. If you both adjust differently, and expect the other one to adjust in the same way you do, and they don't, it leads to stress and tension. You will expect them to act one way, and when they don't, you are disappointed, hurt, let down. That can, and often does, lead to resentment and anger. And before you know it.... it's a major hurdle you have to overcome you never saw coming. And sadly, this is a reason for many splits. They end it saying things like "you weren't the person I thought you were" or "we've grown apart" or "you've changed", or "I am just not happy anymore".
And you know what? This unexpected hurdle, it happens over and over again in marriage. Life will keep throwing things at you. And you and your spouse have to learn to adjust together, instead of seperately. That comes from being able to be open and honest with each other. Communication is very important. It's trusting your spouse with your feelings. It's being able to to listen to your spouse and take what they are feeling and saying to heart. It's working on a solution together. My husband and I have learned to speak up when we feel ourselves growing apart. Something like "Hey honey, can we talk? I know things have been hectic lately and you've been super stressed. And I really don't want to add that, but I feel like we are starting to drift apart again. How about a lunch date next week and maybe a movie night, just us?" Nine out of ten times, the other one of us is starting to feel it too. And it's almost a relief to get it out there and make a plan to work on us. The other one time, the other one thinks the one saying it is completely off their rocker, but we don't say that. We may say, "Really? I hadn't noticed. But yeah, lets make some time for each other."
It's making time to be with one another and enjoy each other again that will help you build your relationship. After a working on time with one another, you will usually find it easier to talk to one another about what the issue(s) are. You feel close again. You trust again. And you want to work it out. But you have to make the time to make your spouse a priority first.
Another thing that we have learned, is to be able to say how we are felling without placing blame. That's a tricky one. It's one thing to say "I feel lonely these days" or "I really miss spending time with you" than it is to say "you work all the time and are never here". One way is just being open and honest about how you feel without placing blame. The other is just going to make your spouse defensive. And once they become defensive, they aren't going to really hear what you are trying to say. Try and word your feelings honestly, but carefully. Really listen to everything your spouse says to you during that crucial time you are discussing issues. Try not to take it personally (easier said than done) and really try to understand what they are trying to say and how they feel.
It's not easy. Especially the first few (read dozen) times. You will find yourself questioning your marriage a few times in your marriage. (Something no one ever really tells you when you say I do). And you know what? I think that's human nature. It's hard. It's not working at the moment. You are hurt and disappointed. Of course you'll question it. But that is where your vows come in. That's when you dig in and say "Nope! I am gonna give it all I have and we are going to work through this".
Here's a little secret: Several years ago, on Valentine's Day of all days (it wasn't planned), I asked for divorce. My husband and I were both miserable. And after yet another argument and hurt feelings, I was finally done. He refused. He said he wasn't gonna let me go. That we could work through it. And you know what? We did. It wasn't easy, but we did it. And I am so very glad of it. It was worth it.
Here is something we have learned over the years. We love each other. If we didn't then we wouldn't be hurt or disappointed in one another at times. It's because we care that we get hurt.
My husband knows me. He knows my past. He knows all my flaws. He knows what makes me happy and what doesn't. He knows what I believe in. He knows my passions. He knows my fears. We have little inside jokes that are all ours. And I know these things about him. That is what makes the fight worth it. I don't want to try to do all this again with someone else. Because the truth is, I'll find myself right back in this same situation eventually. Where one or both of us is hurt or disappointed. Where we have changed, and not together. Then what? Another divorce? Another break up? No. I refuse to do it. And so does my husband. We love one another. We want to do life together. And we know better than most, it does get hard. It does get ugly. But we are worth it. And we are happier and stronger today then we were almost 16 years ago, 10 years ago, 3 years ago, last year. We are learning how to do life together. That's marriage. Learning to do life together. Even the hard stuff. You will always be learning, always be adjusting. You will have times of hard work and hurt. And you will have times of complete and total happiness and comfort. It really is working through the hard stuff that makes the good stuff even better.
I don't envy my single friends. I'll take my marriage over being single any day. It's worth it. They may not agree. And that's okay. I still love them. ;)
I also get to see my single friends struggle with the dating life. Some have kids, others do not. But that never seems to matter much. They all pretty much have the same struggle, finding that right person who will accept and love them as they are.
Seeing all these things escalate on an almost daily basis has really made me think on my own relationship more. And I got to tell you, I for one am so happy to be married and not single again.
This year we will celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary. And yes, I can say that with all confidence. And here's why: We learned how to make it.
You don't make it 15+ years into marriage without a few major hurdles. Of course we had the financial hurdle. But we also had the unexpected child hurdle, the change of job/hours hurdle, and the biggest hurdle of all. The one no one ever talks about but is there. The people grow and change hurdle. It's that last one that is the one that sneaks up on you.
When you get married, you have all these wonderful notions of how the marriage will be. You have expectations and dreams. And that's all well and good, but then after a while, you start to realize it's not like what you expected at all. You aren't the same person 5 years into your marriage as you were the day you got married. And guess what, neither is your spouse. With in those first 5 years or so, someone usually has a job change. Or there may be child. You may move. Something big (maybe more than one thing) is going to happen. It's going to change the way you and your spouse relate to each other. Because no two people are the same. And you both will adjust differently to whatever it is life has thrown at you. You will adjust the way you always have. They will too. And that's not always going to put the two of you on the same page. If you both adjust differently, and expect the other one to adjust in the same way you do, and they don't, it leads to stress and tension. You will expect them to act one way, and when they don't, you are disappointed, hurt, let down. That can, and often does, lead to resentment and anger. And before you know it.... it's a major hurdle you have to overcome you never saw coming. And sadly, this is a reason for many splits. They end it saying things like "you weren't the person I thought you were" or "we've grown apart" or "you've changed", or "I am just not happy anymore".
And you know what? This unexpected hurdle, it happens over and over again in marriage. Life will keep throwing things at you. And you and your spouse have to learn to adjust together, instead of seperately. That comes from being able to be open and honest with each other. Communication is very important. It's trusting your spouse with your feelings. It's being able to to listen to your spouse and take what they are feeling and saying to heart. It's working on a solution together. My husband and I have learned to speak up when we feel ourselves growing apart. Something like "Hey honey, can we talk? I know things have been hectic lately and you've been super stressed. And I really don't want to add that, but I feel like we are starting to drift apart again. How about a lunch date next week and maybe a movie night, just us?" Nine out of ten times, the other one of us is starting to feel it too. And it's almost a relief to get it out there and make a plan to work on us. The other one time, the other one thinks the one saying it is completely off their rocker, but we don't say that. We may say, "Really? I hadn't noticed. But yeah, lets make some time for each other."
It's making time to be with one another and enjoy each other again that will help you build your relationship. After a working on time with one another, you will usually find it easier to talk to one another about what the issue(s) are. You feel close again. You trust again. And you want to work it out. But you have to make the time to make your spouse a priority first.
Another thing that we have learned, is to be able to say how we are felling without placing blame. That's a tricky one. It's one thing to say "I feel lonely these days" or "I really miss spending time with you" than it is to say "you work all the time and are never here". One way is just being open and honest about how you feel without placing blame. The other is just going to make your spouse defensive. And once they become defensive, they aren't going to really hear what you are trying to say. Try and word your feelings honestly, but carefully. Really listen to everything your spouse says to you during that crucial time you are discussing issues. Try not to take it personally (easier said than done) and really try to understand what they are trying to say and how they feel.
It's not easy. Especially the first few (read dozen) times. You will find yourself questioning your marriage a few times in your marriage. (Something no one ever really tells you when you say I do). And you know what? I think that's human nature. It's hard. It's not working at the moment. You are hurt and disappointed. Of course you'll question it. But that is where your vows come in. That's when you dig in and say "Nope! I am gonna give it all I have and we are going to work through this".
Here's a little secret: Several years ago, on Valentine's Day of all days (it wasn't planned), I asked for divorce. My husband and I were both miserable. And after yet another argument and hurt feelings, I was finally done. He refused. He said he wasn't gonna let me go. That we could work through it. And you know what? We did. It wasn't easy, but we did it. And I am so very glad of it. It was worth it.
Here is something we have learned over the years. We love each other. If we didn't then we wouldn't be hurt or disappointed in one another at times. It's because we care that we get hurt.
My husband knows me. He knows my past. He knows all my flaws. He knows what makes me happy and what doesn't. He knows what I believe in. He knows my passions. He knows my fears. We have little inside jokes that are all ours. And I know these things about him. That is what makes the fight worth it. I don't want to try to do all this again with someone else. Because the truth is, I'll find myself right back in this same situation eventually. Where one or both of us is hurt or disappointed. Where we have changed, and not together. Then what? Another divorce? Another break up? No. I refuse to do it. And so does my husband. We love one another. We want to do life together. And we know better than most, it does get hard. It does get ugly. But we are worth it. And we are happier and stronger today then we were almost 16 years ago, 10 years ago, 3 years ago, last year. We are learning how to do life together. That's marriage. Learning to do life together. Even the hard stuff. You will always be learning, always be adjusting. You will have times of hard work and hurt. And you will have times of complete and total happiness and comfort. It really is working through the hard stuff that makes the good stuff even better.
I don't envy my single friends. I'll take my marriage over being single any day. It's worth it. They may not agree. And that's okay. I still love them. ;)
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Working it out
Something has come to my attention. And I am not at liberty to say what it is for several reasons. The main one being it is not my thing to tell. But it has put me in quite a confusing place.
I have spent days trying to figure out the best thing to do. And after much thought and contemplation this is all I have come up with:
How do you make someone do something they don't want to do, but they need to do? Even though you know the outcome will be messy and hard, it is still something you truly believe they need to do?
My heart is broken. And it's not something I can just fix. No one can fix this for her. But I feel like her not speaking up is only going to allow her to continue to live in the mindset of a victim.
I can't force her to do a thing. And I don't want to force her. But I am at such a loss.
I have contacted a few people I know who have some kind of say in the matter for help and guidance. I feel like I am still in shock. And I know she is.
Oh God help us. No matter what happens, help her. Help us know what to do, exactly, without causing more harm.
This has got to stop.
And help me know to do what is right.
I have spent days trying to figure out the best thing to do. And after much thought and contemplation this is all I have come up with:
How do you make someone do something they don't want to do, but they need to do? Even though you know the outcome will be messy and hard, it is still something you truly believe they need to do?
My heart is broken. And it's not something I can just fix. No one can fix this for her. But I feel like her not speaking up is only going to allow her to continue to live in the mindset of a victim.
I can't force her to do a thing. And I don't want to force her. But I am at such a loss.
I have contacted a few people I know who have some kind of say in the matter for help and guidance. I feel like I am still in shock. And I know she is.
Oh God help us. No matter what happens, help her. Help us know what to do, exactly, without causing more harm.
This has got to stop.
And help me know to do what is right.
Friday, October 24, 2014
Grief
She died a few a weeks ago. Her funeral is tomorrow. I can probably count the tears I have allowed myself to cry over her.
When I first found out she died, I was having lunch in a pub with one of my sisters. We weren't alone when we got the news. That was good. We teared up right there, in the booth. But no out right crying though. We were in public.
There was a night shortly after that, I began to tear up again, but wouldn't allow myself to cry. I didn't know why. I just knew I couldn't allow myself to "go there".
The other day I was over "her" way for the first time since her death. I have avoided "over there" like the plague. I had no choice this time. There was a soccer game over that way. As soon as I got close, I started tearing up again. And yet again, I fought back the tears.
The soreness, tightness, squeezing feeling I have in my chest is not getting any better. I imagine it's anxiety, with her funeral tomorrow. There are times it literally hurts to breathe. I had to take my kids out shopping for a few things after school today (it was a half day for them here), and the tears kept coming up out of no where. And I kept fighting them back. It's not good to cry and drive. EVER. So there was not time for tears.
I know I have to let this go, let her go. I know I have to grieve her. But I don't want too. I don't want to grieve her. I don't want her to be gone. I don't want what that means for my family and the changes it will bring to our lives. I don't want to miss her. I want her here. And if I do this, if I allow myself to cry, to let in the pain, and the grief; then it's real. And she's really gone. And I can't go on pretending she is still here.
How's that for honesty?
I know I have to do this. I know have to go and say goodbye. I know I have to quit pretending and let her go. I have to let the grieving process really start. Logically, I know all that. But emotionally, I am just not ready. I thought I was, a few weeks back, but now.... I am not so sure. And yet, I can't keep stuffing it down (so to speak). It's getting harder and harder to do that.
I don't want to hurt like this again. I don't want to cry over the loss of life over another loved one. I don't want to miss yet someone else. I don't want to say goodbye again. Not to her.
I am so afraid to feel what I know is there below the surface. And I am so afraid of what tomorrow brings. I hurt so bad, and yet I don't want too. I don't want to feel it.
"Pain demands to be felt." (AFIOS reference)
It looks like that is very true. But I am trying so very damn hard to keep it at bay.
Grief sucks.
When I first found out she died, I was having lunch in a pub with one of my sisters. We weren't alone when we got the news. That was good. We teared up right there, in the booth. But no out right crying though. We were in public.
There was a night shortly after that, I began to tear up again, but wouldn't allow myself to cry. I didn't know why. I just knew I couldn't allow myself to "go there".
The other day I was over "her" way for the first time since her death. I have avoided "over there" like the plague. I had no choice this time. There was a soccer game over that way. As soon as I got close, I started tearing up again. And yet again, I fought back the tears.
The soreness, tightness, squeezing feeling I have in my chest is not getting any better. I imagine it's anxiety, with her funeral tomorrow. There are times it literally hurts to breathe. I had to take my kids out shopping for a few things after school today (it was a half day for them here), and the tears kept coming up out of no where. And I kept fighting them back. It's not good to cry and drive. EVER. So there was not time for tears.
I know I have to let this go, let her go. I know I have to grieve her. But I don't want too. I don't want to grieve her. I don't want her to be gone. I don't want what that means for my family and the changes it will bring to our lives. I don't want to miss her. I want her here. And if I do this, if I allow myself to cry, to let in the pain, and the grief; then it's real. And she's really gone. And I can't go on pretending she is still here.
How's that for honesty?
I know I have to do this. I know have to go and say goodbye. I know I have to quit pretending and let her go. I have to let the grieving process really start. Logically, I know all that. But emotionally, I am just not ready. I thought I was, a few weeks back, but now.... I am not so sure. And yet, I can't keep stuffing it down (so to speak). It's getting harder and harder to do that.
I don't want to hurt like this again. I don't want to cry over the loss of life over another loved one. I don't want to miss yet someone else. I don't want to say goodbye again. Not to her.
I am so afraid to feel what I know is there below the surface. And I am so afraid of what tomorrow brings. I hurt so bad, and yet I don't want too. I don't want to feel it.
"Pain demands to be felt." (AFIOS reference)
It looks like that is very true. But I am trying so very damn hard to keep it at bay.
Grief sucks.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
That One Friend.....
There is this person in my life, and well..... I guess I should start off by telling you about my friend.
This person is an encourager! They have always encouraged me. Every good thing in my life that went right, or if I had to fight my way through something, they were right there the entire time, cheering me on and telling me I could do it. No matter how hard it was. They never stopped believing in me, even when I did. And that's no easy thing.
Every moment in my life when I failed or felt defeated, they were there. Every time I didn't want to go on; they were there, telling me it was all going to be okay. Even when it was the last thing I wanted to hear. Again they would encouraged me. They helped me find strength I didn't know I had, in so many different circumstances. And sometimes, it was their strength, not mine, that carried me through. I have to be honest about that.
When life devastated me and my heart hurt so bad it was hard to breathe, literally, they were there. Every time. I felt their arms around me, and felt comforted. They brought me comfort. They weren't able to fix it, make it better, or give me all my answers. But they knew what I needed, and somehow, I made it through. I still hurt, but I wasn't alone. I still hurt, but I did make it through. And even though I hurt, I could feel (and was thankful) for their comfort.
I do believe I have called on this person on just about every hour of the day at some point. And you know what? They never cared. They listen, every time. They comforted. They encouraged. And if I was absolutely in the wrong, they don't interrupt me. They let me get it all out. And after all the comfort and support and love they gave, they would gently guide me in the other direction. Again no easy feat.
And me? I have not always been a wonderful friend in return. Sometimes life gets busy and days go by before we talk again. And yes, there were times in my life where weeks passed, months passed. Even years went by and we didn't talk. They never pushed me. But no matter what, they were always there when I came a calling again. They never left me, even when I left them. Loyal is not even close to describing this person.
And you know what? There have been times this friend was there for me, and I turned on them. I turned on them out of pain, hurt, confusion, anger, and many other reasons that are no good reason to turn on a friend. And I am ashamed. But they have been patient with me. They forgave me.
This friend has loved me at my most unlovable moments. This friend knows all my mistakes and doesn't care. This friend has never once given up on me, even when there was a time I gave up on them. And even when I gave up on myself.
And so... this is to my That One Friend:
Thank you. Thank you for always being there for me, even when I didn't think you were or didn't want you to be. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for helping me get through this life, even when it hurts. Thank you, Jesus, for being the best kind of friend a person could ever ask for. I couldn't do life without you. Thank you for helping to guide me. Thank you for your comfort, encouragement, and strength. Thank you, Jesus, for showing me what true friendship and love is. And for showing me the kind of person I want to be. I am so proud and honored to call You my Friend.
This person is an encourager! They have always encouraged me. Every good thing in my life that went right, or if I had to fight my way through something, they were right there the entire time, cheering me on and telling me I could do it. No matter how hard it was. They never stopped believing in me, even when I did. And that's no easy thing.
Every moment in my life when I failed or felt defeated, they were there. Every time I didn't want to go on; they were there, telling me it was all going to be okay. Even when it was the last thing I wanted to hear. Again they would encouraged me. They helped me find strength I didn't know I had, in so many different circumstances. And sometimes, it was their strength, not mine, that carried me through. I have to be honest about that.
When life devastated me and my heart hurt so bad it was hard to breathe, literally, they were there. Every time. I felt their arms around me, and felt comforted. They brought me comfort. They weren't able to fix it, make it better, or give me all my answers. But they knew what I needed, and somehow, I made it through. I still hurt, but I wasn't alone. I still hurt, but I did make it through. And even though I hurt, I could feel (and was thankful) for their comfort.
I do believe I have called on this person on just about every hour of the day at some point. And you know what? They never cared. They listen, every time. They comforted. They encouraged. And if I was absolutely in the wrong, they don't interrupt me. They let me get it all out. And after all the comfort and support and love they gave, they would gently guide me in the other direction. Again no easy feat.
And me? I have not always been a wonderful friend in return. Sometimes life gets busy and days go by before we talk again. And yes, there were times in my life where weeks passed, months passed. Even years went by and we didn't talk. They never pushed me. But no matter what, they were always there when I came a calling again. They never left me, even when I left them. Loyal is not even close to describing this person.
And you know what? There have been times this friend was there for me, and I turned on them. I turned on them out of pain, hurt, confusion, anger, and many other reasons that are no good reason to turn on a friend. And I am ashamed. But they have been patient with me. They forgave me.
This friend has loved me at my most unlovable moments. This friend knows all my mistakes and doesn't care. This friend has never once given up on me, even when there was a time I gave up on them. And even when I gave up on myself.
And so... this is to my That One Friend:
Thank you. Thank you for always being there for me, even when I didn't think you were or didn't want you to be. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for helping me get through this life, even when it hurts. Thank you, Jesus, for being the best kind of friend a person could ever ask for. I couldn't do life without you. Thank you for helping to guide me. Thank you for your comfort, encouragement, and strength. Thank you, Jesus, for showing me what true friendship and love is. And for showing me the kind of person I want to be. I am so proud and honored to call You my Friend.
Monday, September 29, 2014
HER
I want to write about her. I want to honor her in some way. But I have no idea where to start. Words are not coming easily to me lately, just feelings.
I feel terrible that she is in so much pain. I feel lost at what to do help my mom and sisters through all this. And I feel sad. I feel sad knowing that when she is gone all our lives will change.
She, is my grandmother.
She is an amazing woman. A good woman. She never took any guff from anyone. If she had something to say, she said it. She was opinionated. And she could be just as stubborn as her husband, my Granddad. (And those that know me and my family, you wondered where we got it all from?)
She was one of the ones that helped to teach me about respect. Respect towards others, especially my elders. I suppose I'll remember her as tough soul, yet a loving one. Even now, this past year, she has fought hard against the aggressive cancer that is now taking her life.
As a child, I think ever time I visited her home she was in an apron, cooking in the kitchen. It took a while for me to realize she didn't live in the kitchen. But I can always remember her kitchen smelling delicious.
I can also remember when she would babysit us. It wasn't very often, but when she did, she was no nonsense. She made us do our chores and try on clothes. She would even cut her hair. She helped to teach us something about responsibility. If there something to be done, she did it.
I actually have a very fond memory of her taking us berry picking! Boy they were good. I didn't realize I liked berries. I only found out because of that berry expedition.
She also has this amazing collection of costume jewelry. And sometimes, when our cousins and us got together, she let us play with it.
She is tough woman, a brave woman. About a year and half after my grandfather's death, she was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. She was still grieving him, and now she was in a fight for her own life. And has fought. And has been tough. And she has been brave.
I have always had a very close family. As a child, my paternal grandparents lived in my neighborhood (as well as my dad's brother and his family). We walked there all the time. My mom's parents lived a short car ride away. . Anywhere from maybe an hour away (I was a kid, all I know is that it wasn't too long a journey, or at least didn't seem like one), to a 20 minute drive away, to actually living in my neighborhood as well for a time. I use to pass their house walking to and from school every day.
After my dad died, we moved to North Carolina ( I was 12 when we moved). I had an aunt and cousins here that we loved very much. It was a way for us all to get a new start. It wasn't too long after that, that my grandparents moved down here as well. And once again, they lived in my neighborhood. Once again we walked to visit them. When they moved, the just moved to the other side of the neighborhood, even closer to us (about 3 houses up the street). When they moved after that again, it was just a few minutes down the road. In fact, now, all most all my family lives with in a 15 minute car ride from me. My Grandmother of which this is written about, my sisters and their families, my mother, my aunts and cousins. I have some family in PA and some extended family in FL. But for the most part we all live close together. I even have several family members in the neighborhood in which I live now.
We get together on holidays. Every holiday. Every birthday. We get together for sporting events. And sometimes, we get together, just to do it. Personally, I feel like we have a story book kind of family. It's not perfect. But it sure does love one another and celebrate that. I guess my point is that my family is close. And that, for as long as I can remember, my grandparents have been a big part of my life.
When my grandfather died a few years ago, it was a hard blow on us all. And now, it's her turn to leave us. And it's just as crushing. Nothing will ever be the same again. She was diagnosed about year ago. She has fought hard. And now, we don't want to lose her. And yet, we don't want her to endure another day of pain. I, personally, pray for mercy for her. She is a good woman. And seeing anyone die is never easy. But seeing someone you love and respect die in pain, is excruciating.
She is a woman of faith. She is loyal woman. She is a strong woman. She is hard working woman. She is stubborn woman. She is a brave woman. She is a woman who loves. She is a cornerstone for our family. She is my grandmother. God have mercy on her.
I feel terrible that she is in so much pain. I feel lost at what to do help my mom and sisters through all this. And I feel sad. I feel sad knowing that when she is gone all our lives will change.
She, is my grandmother.
She is an amazing woman. A good woman. She never took any guff from anyone. If she had something to say, she said it. She was opinionated. And she could be just as stubborn as her husband, my Granddad. (And those that know me and my family, you wondered where we got it all from?)
She was one of the ones that helped to teach me about respect. Respect towards others, especially my elders. I suppose I'll remember her as tough soul, yet a loving one. Even now, this past year, she has fought hard against the aggressive cancer that is now taking her life.
As a child, I think ever time I visited her home she was in an apron, cooking in the kitchen. It took a while for me to realize she didn't live in the kitchen. But I can always remember her kitchen smelling delicious.
I can also remember when she would babysit us. It wasn't very often, but when she did, she was no nonsense. She made us do our chores and try on clothes. She would even cut her hair. She helped to teach us something about responsibility. If there something to be done, she did it.
I actually have a very fond memory of her taking us berry picking! Boy they were good. I didn't realize I liked berries. I only found out because of that berry expedition.
She also has this amazing collection of costume jewelry. And sometimes, when our cousins and us got together, she let us play with it.
She is tough woman, a brave woman. About a year and half after my grandfather's death, she was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. She was still grieving him, and now she was in a fight for her own life. And has fought. And has been tough. And she has been brave.
I have always had a very close family. As a child, my paternal grandparents lived in my neighborhood (as well as my dad's brother and his family). We walked there all the time. My mom's parents lived a short car ride away. . Anywhere from maybe an hour away (I was a kid, all I know is that it wasn't too long a journey, or at least didn't seem like one), to a 20 minute drive away, to actually living in my neighborhood as well for a time. I use to pass their house walking to and from school every day.
After my dad died, we moved to North Carolina ( I was 12 when we moved). I had an aunt and cousins here that we loved very much. It was a way for us all to get a new start. It wasn't too long after that, that my grandparents moved down here as well. And once again, they lived in my neighborhood. Once again we walked to visit them. When they moved, the just moved to the other side of the neighborhood, even closer to us (about 3 houses up the street). When they moved after that again, it was just a few minutes down the road. In fact, now, all most all my family lives with in a 15 minute car ride from me. My Grandmother of which this is written about, my sisters and their families, my mother, my aunts and cousins. I have some family in PA and some extended family in FL. But for the most part we all live close together. I even have several family members in the neighborhood in which I live now.
We get together on holidays. Every holiday. Every birthday. We get together for sporting events. And sometimes, we get together, just to do it. Personally, I feel like we have a story book kind of family. It's not perfect. But it sure does love one another and celebrate that. I guess my point is that my family is close. And that, for as long as I can remember, my grandparents have been a big part of my life.
When my grandfather died a few years ago, it was a hard blow on us all. And now, it's her turn to leave us. And it's just as crushing. Nothing will ever be the same again. She was diagnosed about year ago. She has fought hard. And now, we don't want to lose her. And yet, we don't want her to endure another day of pain. I, personally, pray for mercy for her. She is a good woman. And seeing anyone die is never easy. But seeing someone you love and respect die in pain, is excruciating.
She is a woman of faith. She is loyal woman. She is a strong woman. She is hard working woman. She is stubborn woman. She is a brave woman. She is a woman who loves. She is a cornerstone for our family. She is my grandmother. God have mercy on her.
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