TMI: Venting

Ever just feel alone in the world?  I don't mean a life without people who care or love you.  I have that, or at least I believe I do.  I mean feeling like those around you just don't understand you.  You have those that put you in box.  And if you act outside that box they put you in, it throws them. 

Over the past few months I have noticed a trend in my life.  That I am put in a box.  I am expected to act a certain way, and if I don't, it throws people.  Even if other people we know act the same (or even worse).  Why is it okay for some and not for others? 

Sometimes I feel older than those my own age.  Other times I feel way less mature.  I never claimed to have it all figured out.  And sometimes I don't understand why others act like they do.  But I try not to judge.  I don't walk in their shoes.  Other times I just need to be a little less mature and more crazy and just let go some.  Sometimes I feel trapped by life.  Not that I don't love my life, I do.  But I think we all feel trapped every now and again.  And sometimes being a little less reserved helps to let off steam.

Things in my life are changing.  My relationships are changing.  Even those that I never thought would.  I was looking at a home for sale tonight that showed up in one of my feeds.  My daughter questioned me and asked if I would actually ever really leave our area and those we love.  There was a time in my life when there was no way I would ever consider such a thing.  Now, well.... My answer to her question was a resounding yes.  I'd leave in heartbeat if the opportunity presented itself.  I'd have no problem leaving.  And honestly, I don't think those who "closest" to me would have much of an issue either.  I can count on one hand those that would be hard to leave.  And doesn't cover the whole hand. 

Maybe I am just in a funk.  But lately, I feel like a change is needed in my life.  In ALL AREAS. 

I am ready to move to another city, state, country.  Whatever.  I don't think my absence here would make much difference to others.  But I think a new adventure might be good for me.  I don't know.  Sometimes I just need to talk it out and vent.  And I have no one in my life I can really do that with.  Not any more.  There is one amazing lady whom I just love.  But I find myself still somewhat guarded because of past experiences.

 I don't know.  Maybe it's just life again.  Changing.  I am no longer close to those I once was or understood by them.  My kids lives are jumping into major mile stones.  Maybe it's a midlife crises.  OH GOD!  LMAO

Truth is, times are changing.  Relationships are changing.  Everything is changing.  I am up to where ever the winds blows us as long as my husband and kids are by side.

True Randomness

I have so much going through me right now.  So much I can't give actual details too, and yet.... I have to get it out.

My family is going through so much right now.  We are in a time of turmoil, healing and growing.  And it sucks and yet, I have the highest hopes.

We are expecting visitors in a month's time.  And I am so excited to see them again.  Truly.  But They also have ties to someone who abandoned us and hurt us, with no just cause.  And as excited as I am to reconnect, I am also very weary.  It sucks to feel like this.

Then there is this amazing young women.. the daughter of an old childhood friend who lost touch with in the past 10 years or so.  This girl seems so amazing.  She reminds me so much of one of my own daughters in so many ways.  And love I have always had for her is still there and just as it has always been.  Thank God for the internet.  For I am finally able to see what a wonderful person she is.  I miss her mom terribly.  And yet I am so happy at the woman I see her daughter becoming.

Like I said, my family has our own issues.  And I feel torn between loved ones.  I pray I make the right choices.  I pray for healing in our home and family.

Life is crazy.  That's for sure.  It's a very bumpy, curvy ride.  But I am in it for long haul.  And I am all too thankful for those who are in it with me.